Finally happy, but...

[jab788]

This is a really difficult situation I'm in, and I appreciate any advice anyone has to offer.

Here's the deal.

I've had emetophobia for 6-7 years. I have had periods where I felt fantastic. Happy, confident, and fearless. Those times were when I was living in my hometown, close to my family and close to my work. I moved out of town with my fiance in 2010 and we were married in 2011. My emetophobia came back with a vengeance and I was miserable since 2010 when I left town. I didn't want to admit it to myself at the time, but I really was a mess. I left home weighing 125 pounds and was down to 95 within a year. I haven't been able to get it back up since because I was afraid to eat, always scared and always anxious. I tried many forms of counseling, medicine, and lifestyle changes. Nothing worked.

My husband threw me for a loop when he decided to join the Navy... after we were already married. Not something I bargained for. He was a teacher when we were married, so I wasn't expecting this to happen. However, I saw how happy the thought of being an officer in the military made him. His eyes lit up when he talked about it. I knew I couldn't hold him back from that, so I supported him. I wanted him to be happy. He was miserable himself as a teacher, and in general. He was unfulfilled and very unhappy with his life. I just wanted him to achieve his dream.

So he left for OCS in April. I moved back home with my parents for the time being, and I have felt... so. much. better. I am truly happy for the first time in years. My emetophobia is virtually non-existent, except for the occasional bad day. I feel so good and confident again. I'm eating well and slowly gaining weight. I feel ALIVE again.

I just feel better when I'm home. Not in my parents' house necessarily, but just here in this town. My work is here, my family is here, and a lot of my friends are here. It's familiar and comfortable. I just love being here. I feel so relieved, like a giant storm cloud has finally disappeared over my head.

The problem... When my husband is done training, he wants me to leave again and come travel with him (obviously). I will be risking this incredible happiness and relief I feel to travel to God knows where over the next 4-5 (or more) years. I can't stand the thought of jeopardizing the joy and fulfillment I feel when I am here. So I have been thinking about just staying. I know he wants me to come with him ... and I feel selfish saying this, but... holding onto this happiness means more to me than being with him.

I feel like I should explain something else. Over the course of our marriage, my feelings of him changed. He was much sweeter, happier and self-reliant when we were just dating. After we got married, I always had to take care of him. Because he was miserable, I always had to make him feel better. Took care of him when he drank too much. And he never seemed to care about my feelings much. He knew how homesick I was but got mad at me for it instead of try to comfort me. He didn't do anything around the house. He fell asleep right after work and did nothing for the remainder of the day, even though I worked a full day too. He showed little interest in me other than what I could do for him. I even found emails on his computer of him flirting with another woman. He actually told me that he compared me to other women, and said I need to change. He wanted me to try things I didn't want to try, and be someone I didn't want to be.

So yes, after all of that, I feel like the love I once felt for my husband has dwindled quite a bit. And now that I have to choose my feelings and his, I just feel very compelled to choose my own. He knows how significant it is, that I actually feel good again, but he wants me to risk all that anyway and come with him. More proof that he just doesn't give a damn about my well-being, only his. He owned up to his past behavior and promised he would change, but he has promised to change before. I just don't think I care enough about our marriage to choose being with him over my happiness. In my mind, it's already over. I'm not going. I'm staying here, where I'm happy. He can go without me, and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out and I honestly won't be that broken up about it.

We are planning to go to counseling when he is done, and I think I am going to suggest a trial separation where he can date other people. I don't really care if I date, but I want him to. That right there should speak volumes about just how out of love I am with him, I guess. He said losing me wasn't an option and that he can't live without me.. or be happy without me. But I think he can. He's a good looking guy and there are plenty of women who would be willing to live that life with him, and have his children (that's a whole other thing... I don't want kids and he does. Another revelation that came after the wedding). It seems like there are just so many sacrifices that we have to make for each other I just don't think it's fair to either of us, when we could be much happier without each other. *sigh* We got married way too young. We're dumb.

Anyway, just wanted to see what anyone's thoughts were because I don't have a lot of people to talk to about it. My family and friends just get upset. I appreciate any input or advice.

[jmoore10]

Hi JAB
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told myself when I was 29 and realized I wanted a divorce from my first husband. Life is too damn short to be spent unhappy. You owe it to yourself to do what's best for YOU and screw what anyone else thinks. Staying married to someone who doesn't make you happy just to appease everyone else is only going to hurt YOU in the long run. This is your life and you don't have to justify yourself or your decision to anyone. I'm not advocating staying with or leaving him, but trust your heart and do not allow other people's opinions of your decision to influence you. To put it another way, if you don't put yourself and what's in your best interest first, then who will?
Good luck-I'm very happy that you have found happiness!

[sdfl]

It sounds like you've weighed your pros and cons. He seems to place his happiness above all else. There is no mutual benefits, you have let him do what fulfills him...if he has promised change but has not yet delivered on it then it sounds like he could use some counseling..and a separation. Best of luck on your trial separation. It does speak volumes for your heart for him. You're fortunate as not many can say they've been in that place at the end of a relationship.

[jab788]

Thank you both for your kindness and support!

[chixy]

To me it sounds like you've already made your decision and maybe you just want somebody to confirm it for you. Judging from what you've written, and the whole situation, my only advice is to never, ever do something for somebody at the cost of your own health. Making somebody else happy just isn't worth it if it isn't making you happy as well. You need to put your life and well being first, or anything other than that just won't be worth it!
Best of luck to you

[Lindsey_anne]

The only person who knows what's right for you is you! Don't waste your life but at the same time don't throw it away on this damn phobia! You've obviously got yourself to a strong place and its time you did put yourself first for once, this is the reason most of us have issues, pushing our own needs to the back while we think of others!
Good luck with what you choose to do, I wish you happiness for the future! X

[bakogirl]

I hate to say it but let him go. It doesn't seem like he really loves you. You are more or less a possession of his. If your happy then stay happy. He took off so he could be happy. I know how you feel about feeling better in a more familiar place. I no longer have that but I remember how it felt.
He sounds like a total jerk! Comparing you to women on the Internet. I went through a similar situation years back. My husband started contacting many women and even though I've talked to them he still denies it ever happened. He started emailing an ex girlfriend who obviously still had feelings for him. I knew things weren't right. I'd go days without talking to him and he said he didn't have time. But he had plenty if time for them. Plus his job was stressful and often he was unhappy. But when he started to be unusually too happy, I knew something was up.

I'm still with him. But he keeps my one foot out the door. And given the opportunity I'd go. But you are different. There's nothing to split and no kids. Just serve him the papers when he gets back. If he refuses it goes your way.

I don't mean to give you harsh advice. But it seems like your better off apart. Counseling won't help especially if he won't admit any wrong doing. Hope things work out. Keep yourself happy!