This is a really difficult situation I'm in, and I appreciate any advice anyone has to offer.
Here's the deal.
I've had emetophobia for 6-7 years. I have had periods where I felt fantastic. Happy, confident, and fearless. Those times were when I was living in my hometown, close to my family and close to my work. I moved out of town with my fiance in 2010 and we were married in 2011. My emetophobia came back with a vengeance and I was miserable since 2010 when I left town. I didn't want to admit it to myself at the time, but I really was a mess. I left home weighing 125 pounds and was down to 95 within a year. I haven't been able to get it back up since because I was afraid to eat, always scared and always anxious. I tried many forms of counseling, medicine, and lifestyle changes. Nothing worked.
My husband threw me for a loop when he decided to join the Navy... after we were already married. Not something I bargained for. He was a teacher when we were married, so I wasn't expecting this to happen. However, I saw how happy the thought of being an officer in the military made him. His eyes lit up when he talked about it. I knew I couldn't hold him back from that, so I supported him. I wanted him to be happy. He was miserable himself as a teacher, and in general. He was unfulfilled and very unhappy with his life. I just wanted him to achieve his dream.
So he left for OCS in April. I moved back home with my parents for the time being, and I have felt... so. much. better. I am truly happy for the first time in years. My emetophobia is virtually non-existent, except for the occasional bad day. I feel so good and confident again. I'm eating well and slowly gaining weight. I feel ALIVE again.
I just feel better when I'm home. Not in my parents' house necessarily, but just here in this town. My work is here, my family is here, and a lot of my friends are here. It's familiar and comfortable. I just love being here. I feel so relieved, like a giant storm cloud has finally disappeared over my head.
The problem... When my husband is done training, he wants me to leave again and come travel with him (obviously). I will be risking this incredible happiness and relief I feel to travel to God knows where over the next 4-5 (or more) years. I can't stand the thought of jeopardizing the joy and fulfillment I feel when I am here. So I have been thinking about just staying. I know he wants me to come with him ... and I feel selfish saying this, but... holding onto this happiness means more to me than being with him.
I feel like I should explain something else. Over the course of our marriage, my feelings of him changed. He was much sweeter, happier and self-reliant when we were just dating. After we got married, I always had to take care of him. Because he was miserable, I always had to make him feel better. Took care of him when he drank too much. And he never seemed to care about my feelings much. He knew how homesick I was but got mad at me for it instead of try to comfort me. He didn't do anything around the house. He fell asleep right after work and did nothing for the remainder of the day, even though I worked a full day too. He showed little interest in me other than what I could do for him. I even found emails on his computer of him flirting with another woman. He actually told me that he compared me to other women, and said I need to change. He wanted me to try things I didn't want to try, and be someone I didn't want to be.
So yes, after all of that, I feel like the love I once felt for my husband has dwindled quite a bit. And now that I have to choose my feelings and his, I just feel very compelled to choose my own. He knows how significant it is, that I actually feel good again, but he wants me to risk all that anyway and come with him. More proof that he just doesn't give a damn about my well-being, only his. He owned up to his past behavior and promised he would change, but he has promised to change before. I just don't think I care enough about our marriage to choose being with him over my happiness. In my mind, it's already over. I'm not going. I'm staying here, where I'm happy. He can go without me, and if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out and I honestly won't be that broken up about it.
We are planning to go to counseling when he is done, and I think I am going to suggest a trial separation where he can date other people. I don't really care if I date, but I want him to. That right there should speak volumes about just how out of love I am with him, I guess. He said losing me wasn't an option and that he can't live without me.. or be happy without me. But I think he can. He's a good looking guy and there are plenty of women who would be willing to live that life with him, and have his children (that's a whole other thing... I don't want kids and he does. Another revelation that came after the wedding). It seems like there are just so many sacrifices that we have to make for each other I just don't think it's fair to either of us, when we could be much happier without each other. *sigh* We got married way too young. We're dumb.
Anyway, just wanted to see what anyone's thoughts were because I don't have a lot of people to talk to about it. My family and friends just get upset. I appreciate any input or advice.