Hi everyone! I'm Marty. This is my first time posting here, though I've
dealt with emetophobia for just about as long as I can remember.
For several years, it was never a severe issue, but when I was 13, I
had my first panic attack at the library with my family. I truly
believed I was going to v*, so we all rushed home and I laid in bed for
4 days without eating a thing. I lost a lot of weight and had no desire
to eat anything for a long time. After 2 or 3 days, I started to have
plain shaved ice because I was too afraid to eat anything else.
Eventually, I started to have little bits of bread, juice, and other
types of less bland food. In all, I missed almost 1 month of school and
it took more than a year to get back to a normal diet.
I saw a therapist, and told him that I was afraid of getting ****, and
he prescribed a medicine called Paxil to me. I was quite young at the
time, so I regret taking it now, but my parents didn't understand what
was happening to me, nor did I really, so we were desperate for any
"quick fix."
My fear never truly went away, though I had been dealing with it fairly
well up until this summer. Last year, I lived in the dorms at college,
and I even v*d twice without issue! Of course I was very frightened
beforehand, but afterwards I was very relieved and even able to joke
about the situation with my friends. Now, I'm living at home and won't
go back to the dorms for college. I have panic attacks almost every
time I leave the house and go into big crowds, and I can rarely ever
eat away from home. All it takes is one bad thought and my entire day
can be ruined. It takes a lot to calm myself down, too. For the past
several months, I have honestly thought for at least an hour each day
"I am going to v*."
I generally consider school, home, and work my "safe zones." I am at
those places so often that I feel somewhat comfortable. However, there
are definitely exceptions. When I am away from home, I always think
"All I need to do is go home and everything will be fine," but I
sometimes have attacks at home, too.
One of my biggest fears about v* is doing it in an enclosed bathroom.
Two years ago I came down with something and I v*d twice, both times
outside because I couldn't be inside to do it. I also don't want to
draw any attention to myself. My dad can be really overbearing with the
"ARE YOU OK"s and stuff like that, so I try to get as far away from him
as possible, because I don't want any attention.
I realize most of the time that it is completely in my head, but it is
SO hard to live a normal life! My dream is to study abroad in Japan
next summer and stay with a host family, but I am so scared that I will
have an incident in their home which is the worst possible situation
that I could EVER imagine.
I have faith in myself, though. I had never once flown in an airplane
until I was 17 because I was SO afraid of having an incident inside the
plane perhaps from airsickness or maybe from a panic attack. However,
for my first flight, I went on a school trip to France, which is 7
hours away from my local airport. It was non-stop, and I was definitely
shaking, sweating, and near tears beforehand, but my friends were there
for me and held my hands during take off and all was fine afterwards.
Now, I pretty much have a generalized anxiety disorder. Every time any
aspect of my physical condition deviates from normal, I have a panic
attack and feel like I'm going to v*. I'm constantly worried that I
have some sort of illness, and I don't have medical insurance so
there is no way for me get any opinions from a doctor. I'm sure that
I'm OK now, but just thinking that I can't get regular checkups to
check for potential long-term illnesses kills me inside.
Well, sorry for the long introduction, but I haven't been to a therapist in almost two years, so I have a lot to say [img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]
Nice to meet you all, and I hope to have a l
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