I can't remember what it's like to v*

[chixy]

Hi guys! I'm very active here in the forum, I read a lot of posts and I've realized that most emets seem to remember what it's like to v*. At least on here, the majority can at least talk about the real n* symptoms and so on from experience instead of facts. I'm 19, and I haven't v*d since I was a child. I don't even know when the last time was. I remember the last time I was really about to v*, I had been out in the sun for too long and started feeling really sick. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I was going to v* but it went away and after that I was fine. But I can not for the life of me even recall what that was like. I don't even know what I'm afraid of you know? I obsess daily over something I don't even know is scary or not. I might not fear it at all once it happens, and this whole thing is just my brain getting stuck in a thinking pattern.
Are there any emets out there who have v*d without remembering what is was like prior to it happening? Did it make your phobia worse knowing what it was like? Please tell me! I've kind of come to the breaking point with this phobia and I almost (very quietly... Haha) hope that I will just v* so that if im going to have this phobia, at least I know what it is I'm afraid of!

[chris_alice]

I vomited (a lot) one time BEFORE i became emetophobic, and before that I couldn't remember doing it because I was so young. It wasn't that bad, and it did not make me emetophobic. It came on suddenly with just enough notice to make it to a bathroom across the hall (I had to RUN!) and the few seconds it took to vomit about 4 - 5 times in a row was scary, but it was over as quickly as it started and I felt perfectly fine when I was finished, went to bed, and went to sleep.

[gumdropper1]

Chixy,

I only remember throwing up three times. The last time I threw up, I was 10. The earliest vomit that I remember happened when I was 6. I woke up early in the morning, after sunrise but before my family had gotten up. I had severe abdominal cramps and (I suppose) nausea. I went to my mom and she told me I was going to throw up. I remember having an idea what that was but no real memory of it. I lay in their bed for a few minutes and then someone asked if I was ready to do it, and I said yeah. We all went to the bathroom and I threw up in the toilet. It was "one and done." I didn't have any more vomiting or any other symptoms.

I wasn't emetophobic then but I didn't recognize from my symptoms what was going to happen, and I don't remember being afraid at being told I was going to vomit. That was the last time I threw up without the phobia.

The next time I threw up, it happened in bed when I was 8. It made me emetophobic. I think part of me thought that throwing up was like the chicken pox, it only happens to you once. Another part of me thought if I ever threw up again, it would be just like the last time, where I woke up beforehand and had probably 10 minutes warning. It never occurred to me that I could throw up in bed without warning.

For the next two years, I was emetophobic thinking about the time in bed. Then when I was 10, I was afflicted again. I woke up with mild diarrhea and my mom told me I was going to throw up. I put it off for three hours and finally gave in and did it. If I knew then what I know now, I could have kept myself from puking. My immediate thought after emesis was that it was no big deal and that I had been afraid for two years and nauseated for over two hours for nothing. But that same afternoon, my emetophobia was back.

So I kind of both remember and don't remember what it's like to vomit. My memory is clear enough to know I don't want to do it again. You're very strong if you want to vomit just to see what it's like.

Doug

[cycle]

I'm confused.... How do you make yourself not vomit? Personally, I think I would rather just do it instead of holding it in and prolonging my nausea. But then I again, I think my real fear is actually the anticipation of vomiting rather than the actual act.

[staystrongxx]

Wow, gumdropper, your post was so triggering to me. I don't know why, but my throat started closing. Not blaming you, of course

[gumdropper1]

Cycle, read my Vomiting FAQ: http://emetophobia.byethost15.com/vomiting.html

[dani8mc]

I don't remember what its like either really1 maybe its not something you easily remember tho being an emet i do realise thats a strange thing for me to say!
i dont do all that assocation stuff i really can't remember all the times and specifics of when i've v* only vaguely and as much as i don't remember all the flu's i've had!
Sadly with emet i mostly hold off from letting myself v* unless i was like had extremely drunk too much alcohol where i've actualy wanted to v* to remove it from my body. i just need to be comfortable about sv* in that same way. I do know about the feelings before, the mouth wateryness the closing up feeling, the it being hard to swallow and that when I feel that nauseious v* should generally be happening but with some stuff i've been able to spit or swallow down and stop it. anytime i've been at the verge of v* and not been able to stop it i was probably not fighting it before.

***graphic***!
I dunno what 'happens next' as such, after that stage of nausea where your mouth is all watery, spose I should open my mouth and stick a toothbrush down to allow it to come up.

[chixy]

I don't remember what its like either really1 maybe its not something you easily remember tho being an emet i do realise thats a strange thing for me to say!
i dont do all that assocation stuff i really can't remember all the times and specifics of when i've v* only vaguely and as much as i don't remember all the flu's i've had!
Sadly with emet i mostly hold off from letting myself v* unless i was like had extremely drunk too much alcohol where i've actualy wanted to v* to remove it from my body. i just need to be comfortable about sv* in that same way. I do know about the feelings before, the mouth wateryness the closing up feeling, the it being hard to swallow and that when I feel that nauseious v* should generally be happening but with some stuff i've been able to spit or swallow down and stop it. anytime i've been at the verge of v* and not been able to stop it i was probably not fighting it before.

***graphic***!
I dunno what 'happens next' as such, after that stage of nausea where your mouth is all watery, spose I should open my mouth and stick a toothbrush down to allow it to come up.

I really wish I was like you and there was one "type" of v* that I knew I was ok with! I would like to just shove a fist down my throat and just see what it's like, I don't think it's so much the actual thing I'd be worried about, more how I would feel afterwards and if I would be even worse off with my phobia. It's REALLY annoying to be so afraid of something I don't even know! It's like being afraid of the sensation of flying before even being in an airplane.

[Theropod]

Last time I vomited was, I still remember, November 1998.

I was 6 years old. Sleeping. Slightly feverish, partially and dully dreaming. Saw musical notes. And....wait for it....BWAOOAARGH!! I puked it out. It felt like your stomach is being clenched. It's all rhythmically contracting in there. You can't breathe. It feels like a lifetime than just a few seconds.

[Lornaeve5787]

I have a very similar problem. I can only remember being sick 3 times in my life (Im 26) and the last was 9 years ago. I am at the point now where any stomach gurgle, butterflies, hunger pains make me panic because I fear they might be the reaction to a stomach bug/virus all BECAUSE I cant remember how you feel before you are going to be sick! It is debilitating, but from what I can remember of the last time I was sick, if your body HAS/NEEDS to get rid of something by being sick then you will get to the point where you want it to happen to feel better, then your sick and you do!!

[bluebell242]

I can't either really after the actual buildup, it's totally weird, but unfortunately we have developed our issues.

I don't obsess about feelings or anything. I know what it's like to be at the verge, and that n*. Obviously there is no mistaking it.

[catherine73]

It`s the worst feeling in the world as far as I`m concerned, & I think I`d rather be in pain than v. I have very vivid memories of vting as a child, I felt as if something evil had taken over my body, forcing me to do it.

[Mama76]

I remember when I was in 5th grade I V at a restaurant. I felt sleepy and not hungry, with a friend's family, but don't remember feeling sick. They were all eating ice cream and I had my head on the table, didn't realize I would V until I actually did, I think I knew when everyone else did! I think that was the start of my emetophobia. I also remember being at home, could have been before, after, or the same time as that incident, with a garbage can under my chin the whole time. My mom told me I could just keep it next to me but I was too scared to have it that far away. Years later at that friend's house I spent the night and her sister was sitting in the bathroom saying she didn't feel good and would do it, we should leave the area, and I kind of panicked inside.

As an adult those are the memories I had to draw from. I kept asking my boyfriend when I was about 20 what it felt like to be N and how you knew you were going to V. Obviously that was my emet talking,I just didn't understand it then. And he thought I was crazy and didn't understand my fascination with the topic,I was just afraid it would happen like in the restaurant and I had to learn what N felt like to prevent that. I also felt a lot of anger over preventable situations where people would V from drinking too much, etc. I knew I was different then, but happy it now has a name, support, and meds. And I have since V from drinking too much and SV, not pleasant but I can handle it. I think my fear now is a lot from the lack of control, especially with 3 kids, things could get very out of control!

[wanted]

I also don't really remember what it's like to v. I'm 18 and last time I v* I was 8. We were traveling I didn't take tablets for motion sickness because I never did before that, I was never car sick. But that time I ate a lunch before traveling and it just happened. I can really remember what relief it was after. But I don't really remember how it feels to v*. My emetophobia came after that, but because of the other reason and I didn't v* that whole time I have it.