Having a rough night
Sorry this is long but I just need to type out what's going on in my head or I'm going to explode.
I've had a bad week this week - been fine in the day but at night I've been getting flashbacks of when IT last happened (not much over a year ago). Literally I have been laid in bed shaking and crying because of such vivid recollections that refuse to leave my mind.
Well tonight wasn't the best. I had some family round and my cousin who's recently had a kidney infection she was s* with (ironically this was the last thing I was s* with too) was telling me in graphic detail all about it. Not only that, she's just come back from Ibiza and was talking about how she was s* from alcohol.
The worst bit is we had a BBQ tonight. I was really brave and ate quite a bit of meat - tasted fab and I know it was cooked, as my dad is a very trusted cook... But now as I lay in bed I'm thinking about all the flashbacks I've this week, plus what my cousin was saying, and now the fear we're all going to get FP from this BBQ... I can't sleep because all I bloody think about is v*. I am SO FED UP WITH IT AND I WANT TO SCREAM.
I look back over my week and all I remember is the things that reminded me of v* - for instance I had to do some training about food hygiene for work, and also yesterday I was at a wedding where someone was really drunk and I feared she would v*.
Sorry to go on and on and on about all these occasions involving actual v* or thoughts of v* but this is my mind and it just won't stop. I'm in tears from pure frustration.
The future looks so bleak. When it gets to Norovirus season, I want to lock myself indoors and not eat for the whole if winter if I could.
I would do anything to get better, I mean anything. I'm afraid to do so much - I'm afraid to travel, have kids, do so many life-affirming things because of this rotten phobia.
If anyone is out there tonight I really could do with a little chat. I feel like I am going crazy.