new here, this is my story (no censoring of trigger words here and detail, apologies)

[thesoundmachine]

(if you suffer easily too and are easily triggered, please do not read past this point. i want to look out for the people of this forum)

i am so so glad i have finally found a forum like this for people like me. ive lived nearly 20 years of my life sitting up at night, pulling all-nighters because i cant sleep, lying down makes me very nauseous and i will bolt upright straightaway. ive had quite a history of stomach ailments (gastritis, high stomach acidity and eroding spots on my stomach wall being one of them) and have been emetophobic since young, though it was much worse when i was little and i would even get nightmares from seeing people be sick in the day or being unpleasantly surprised by distasteful throwing up humor on tv or in movies.

anyway its 6:10 am and tonight is another one of those nights, i ate normal food yesterday but somehow managed to get an upset stomach somewhere around midnight - 1am, i have sat up in bed and at my desk rocking back and forth trying to feel better. it has become my coping mechanism as rocking somehow distracts me. it takes me hours and hours to finally decide to go be sick, i will suppress my sickness and endure the pain and nausea as long as i possibly can, even though most of the time i know after doing the deed my stomach will feel so much more settled. the whole night tonight i have been burping and the taste of it is not regular food-tasting burp, it tastes sour like stomach acid and smells rank, the taste is in my nasal cavity as well and it is terrible. i ate two antacids to combat the acidic symptoms but have nothing for nausea and pain, so ive been hugging a hot water bottle trying to soothe/distract from the pain and anxiety. i doze at my desk and am woken up by cramps and sharp pangs of anxiety combined with pain and fear and nausea. however it is slowly, slowly fading, and i hope i can get to sleep soon after the worst passes. i am just passing the time typing out my story now.

i usually throw up only once or twice a year, usually due to extremely bad poisoning or stomach infections. i actually had a very bad viral stomach infection on holiday (overseas, to make it worse) just last month, it took me about six-seven hours of rocking back and forth sitting up in bed to finally get up enough gall (or maybe build up enough pressure..) to run to the bathroom and clear the offending material, then i threw up another two times after that as well as having copious amounts of loose watery stool.

i read on several websites that once you throw up you will get used to it or "see that it is something normal" but somehow that isnt the case for me. i am able to purge multiple times only in the same night as the first time i had thrown up since the adrenaline and the promise of relief after the act kind of just pushes me through till the next day, but after recovery and a state of dormancy im back to panic/anxiety mode the next time i feel sick.

this is especially bothering me now since it is the morning of sunday, and i will be heading to my first day of university on monday in a new school with no friends. i am so so afraid tonights sickness will carry on till monday, and i will have to endure nausea on my first day of school and possibly into the week.

i thank you for reading the entire of my story, if you have stayed for the entirety of this wall of text. like everyone else here i am here to find help, support and encouragement from a community who understands my fear, and also offer these in return. i hope you guys can help me, and i will also share my experiences and any tips and tricks i may have encountered in daily life regarding our common phobia.

- rachel

[Syrup]

Welcome, Rachel!

I am so sad reading your story of what you've been going through! Have you been to see a doctor? It really sounds like some meds could truly help you. I am currently on Lexapro and have found it to be TERRIFIC for my anxiety. There are also meds to help with stomach upset that would work to calm you down as well. Don't give up! Help is available to you.

I am excited to hear about university on Monday! I think having some friends and a support group can/will help you loads. I am sure this pain won't carry through to Monday, but even if it does, you CAN get through it and will overcome!

Keep us posted!

[xxsophiaxx]

Just out of curiousity, do you think you are v* because you really do get sv* that often, or due to v* from anxiety? Before I was super emet of myself, I would v* pretty often from anxiety, it sucked I have v* more from anxiety than anything else in my life, probably.

[thesoundmachine]

syrup,

thank you so much for responding! today was my second day of school. i woke up on sunday morning still feeling a little sick, but stayed in to rest the entire day. i had some kind of stomach spasms that night also, but managed to google up a relaxation breathing technique that somewhat helped me so i could get to sleep and wake up for class the next day. i managed to feel much better for my first day of school! however today on the second day, i must have drank too much of a tea latte which aggravated my weakened stomach and made me feel sick in the afternoon/evening. i couldnt even have dinner today! i have not been to see a doctor in recent times, but several years back (about age 15/16) i visited a doctor who recommended me a daily dosage of omeprazole for several months to try and regulate the irritation in my stomach wall and the acid level in my stomach. nothing related to anxiety though, although several doctors have noticed i react badly to stress-related situations. i will definitely mention this to my doctor the next time i visit him! (in a time of need a few years back, i took some Librax that had been prescribed to my sister for a similar stress/anxiety-related stomach situation which seemed to help so there is a high chance it could be the base of my problems. u__u i know it is bad to take prescription medication belonging to others but... yes.)

xxsophiaxx, (would you prefer i censored my terms? >_< )

i think usually if it is anxiety related, i will be able to hold myself off from throwing up because there is nothing "immediate" or "important" to be expelled so it is usually just nausea. however if its an illness such as food poisoning, its more likely i would have to. so i guess the idea of being sick adds to my anxiety, but anxiety itself doesnt make me throw up.

[gumdropper1]

Welcome, Rachel. I hope we can help you out here.

What jumped off the screen as surprising to me is that you throw up once or twice a year. That is how often normal people puke, but that is an extreme frequency for an emet. About half of emets are "non-vomiters"; they don't even throw up as often as once every five years. Most of the other half are "infrequent vomiters"; they throw up less than once a year but more than once in five years.

Most people who throw up once or twice a year figure out it's not so bad and "get used to it," as non-emets frequently encourage us to do. So it seems like you have the worst of both worlds.

Even emets agree that throwing up isn't as bad as worrying about it constantly. So I really don't think your problem is vomiting; your problem is the amount of anxiety you put into it.

Doug

P.S. Please read my emetophobia and vomiting FAQs at the link below.

[thesoundmachine]

doug,

i find it quite uncommon too after reading more and more of everyone elses posts. i think if i were not afraid of vomiting, i would actually vomit more than twice or so a year - as i am already quite prone to stomach problems and tend to get ill/nauseous easily. the once or twice is when i cant help it (that virus i had overseas on holiday, for instance), or just decide to say "screw it i want to go to bed" so i sit in front of the toilet till it happens. i never really manage to "get used to it" though. u__u i guess this is the second reply ive gotten that hints that my problem is likely anxiety/nervousness related, so i will definitely look into it with my doctor.

thank you so much for your input! you guys are all so helpful!