MY STORY-- New Member, Lifetime Emetophobe

[kbevinb30]

Hello all,

I am a new member to this website, and only discovered I wasn't completely alone in this dreadful phobia a few years ago. I'm 24 years old now, but have had anxiety and panic attacks since I was eight years old. When I was a child, it was debilitating. I hardly slept, ate sparingly, couldn't stay with friends, and cried in fear of my life and sanity almost every night. Not to mention, I kept my parents awake most nights with me in a total panic. As an adult now, I can't even imagine the pain and frustration it must have caused them to watch their child riddled with fear over something none of us understood.

There is no history of anxiety disorders in any of my family. And before me, my family was probably of the mindset that anxiety disorders weren't even "real." Luckily, my parents jumped in with both feet and started learning everything we could about anxiety disorders and panic attacks. Despite countless failed sleepover attempts, and my desire to stay home from school every time a classmate got sick, they encouraged me to go for it! Sure, it often ended it leaving the sleepover at midnight once everyone else had gone to bed and I started to panic... But they were endlessly supportive in helping me live as normal a life as possible. I truly believe my parents saved by life from severe agoraphobia.

As a child, I threw up infrequently. Though a handful of times it did happen. Truthfully, I still often avoid whatever made me vomit those few times as a child (ravioli, vanilla ice cream, Big Red soda...). I honestly don't recall the last time I vomited... It was definitely in childhood. I can't have been any older than 11 or 12, I guess... BUT I know I wasn't emetophobic during those first years of anxiety. I know that because when I was 9, I had a severe panic attack and felt very nauseated. I sat in the floor of the bathroom, by the toilet for hours, thinking I would throw up. Since developing emetophobia, I would NEVER admit defeat to that level! I will be damned if I concede to vomiting by sitting at the toilet, waiting for it to happen. Now when I feel sick, I avoid the restroom at all costs!

I only first was able to verbalize the fear in junior high sometime... Before that, I was never even able to say out loud what the real reason for all my fear and anxiety had become. It is clear that now my anxiety is almost directly linked to my incalculable fear of throwing up. Every time my stomach feels upset in any way (even just fullness or gas), I wonder if it is nausea, and will I throw up? These obsessive thoughts almost always lead to severe panic attacks.

Luckily, after a lifetime of panic attacks and supportive family and loved ones, I am now incredible adept at quelling anxiety when it is unfounded. I can calm myself from most any anxiety situation. Unless there is legitimate cause for concern that I might actually be sick... If I have diarrhea or someone very close to me gets a stomach virus, I am likely to experience uncontrollable anxiety and panic attacks which last all through the night.

I have taken Zoloft since I was a child of 8 or 9 years old, which takes the edge off of my anxiety. I have a prescription for Xanax for flight anxiety and extreme emergencies. I would endorse either of these medications, but would urge users to be very conscientious about their use of Xanax, as it can be highly habit-forming. As an anxious person, I can understand the appeal of alleviating all anxiety all the time... But that can be dangerous.

The happy ending is that I live a perfectly successful and normal life in spite of a lifetime of (sometimes debilitating) anxiety and emetophobia. I have traveled abroad, despite my fear of flying which stems from my fear of motion sickness, I have moved across the country from friends and family for school, I am earning my PhD, and am engaged to the man of my dreams. Everything is still possible to achieve, even if you live with anxiety and fear. You can be in control of it (at least most of the time!).

Please feel free to message me with any questions, comments, concerns, or ideas you may have! I look forward to building a network of like-minded individuals. I cannot stress how comforting it was for me to find out there is a name for this phobia that no one understands and always underestimates! I couldn't believe there were so many other people "like me" out there, suffering from the same (what I thought were) bizarre panic triggers and "irrational" fears.

Stay strong, comrades!
--Bevin

[gumdropper1]

Welcome, Bevin. I hope you've made progress since you posted that.