I've ruined my daughter and my husband hates me.

[bebzorg]

My ten year old daughter suffered a severe anxiety attack today. It came from no where like they always do and I was not able to calm her down, mostly because she thought she was going to throw up. She didn't even want me by the bathroom door to talk to her. What I don't understand is that she had the stomach virus earlier this year and it didn't even phase her. So why the sudden fear? My husband blames me for passing my fear over to my kids and believe me I know it is my fault, but it hurts so bad to be told that. He won't even really talk to me. All he ever does is yell about everything. I'm really tired of feeling shitty, being treated shitty, but most of all being a shitty mother. I have got to get my shit together. How do you mothers and fathers do it? Obviously I'm doing it all wrong.

[jparsons93]

I'm not a mom, but I am in nursing school (HUGE thing for an emet). Nursing has always been my dream. I feel like its my passion and its what I was put on this earth to do. I refuse to let emet take that away from me. I'm sure in the beginning its really going to be hard when people are ill around me but I also believe that it will kind of condition me to be more comfortable with it. Your daughter having this phobia isn't necessarily your fault. Was your mother or father emetophobic or did you become emetophobic on your own? Its really no different than having a phobia of snakes or heights. Your husband needs to accept that you and your daughter have this phobia and be more supportive. My hubby didny understamd at first and I broke it down to him by asking what he was terrified most of and he answered spiders. So I compared me being around v or anything to do with it to him veing covered in spiders. It really put it into perspective for him, so you might try that. You are NOT a shitty mom. Never let him tell you that. Hugs!

[Syrup]

Oh, lady! I am so sorry that you are going through this. LISTEN TO ME, this is NOT your fault. Emetophobia, though we believe is a fear of vomit is actually a fear of the feeling we get when we hear, see, smell, etc. it. It's ANXIETY!!! Anxiety is something that is passed on, but not something you can create in someone. You either have it or you don't. The idea that you can 'force' someone to be afraid of something is ludicrous and untrue. Anxiety can be triggered by so many different things, yelling being one. Your husband's yelling could be a trigger! Check out some different calming routines for yourself and for your daughter. Music, breathing, etc. that you can practice together. Instead of beating yourself up about how this happened to her, embrace this as an opportunity to work through this together! You are NOT a bad mother. You're a caring one who doesn't want to see her daughter suffer through this like you have. Be honest with her, tell her that you have anxiety too and want to help her with it. Beat it together! Therapy could be helpful or some self help. Tell each other when you're feeling anxious so that you can help one another work through it. Rather than seeing this as a bad thing, see it as a great way to bond and grow closer. You're doing great!

[Racheyliz]

Maybe she's not scared of throwing up but she's protecting you? I have a 9 year old and he's aware of my phobia. He's quite sympathetic of it. Last winter when the noro went round our house. He made sure he washed his hands, etc. Maybe she doesn't want you worrying?

[Grace47]

Your daughter is only 10. She's not ruined. *hugs* If she has emet, then now is the time to step up to the plate and show her it can be gotten under control. I don't know what you're husband has said to you, but I'm sure you're a great mom. Bad moms make it on Jerry Springer, Maury or Steve Wilkos. Even if she is an emet, it's not the worst thing in the world. Sure, it can be tough to deal with, but there are a lot of problems out there which are a lot worse.

I also have a 10 year old and I tell her, just because I am an emet does not mean you have to be or that there's anything to be afraid of. Getting sick is a normal part of life. Then I give her a hug. Usually this only comes up when she is actually sick.

[bebzorg]

thank you everyone for your replies. Unfortunately she has been very anxious all day today and locks herself in the bathroom and cries. Its very painful to watch. Although in the light of day I was able to cope with it better. As far as my husband goes I've decided not to talk to him about my or my daughters problems and not give him any reason to yell at us or blame me. thank you again for your kind responses.

[kbscared]

You poor things...both you and your daughter. Your husband doesn't seem to be very supportive. I will tell you tho, my husband is a pretty supportive partner in all that I do BUT he doesn't "get" this fear. He's not patient with it at all. It's so difficult for anyone who is not EMET to understand how we can be afraid of this. You didn't cause this in your daughter, my 13 yr old daughter has seen me crying in fear of v* all of her life. (Not good I know) but she is not EMET and my mom was not and I am so not much of a correlation. My daughter knows she has to stay healthy during noro season and she comforts me through all of it. Very sweet girl. Hope you and your daughter feel better.

[Cynna]

Wonder how much of this anxiety thing is genetic?? HUGS. Just get her treatment is she gets too bad and love her.

[Kittycat319]

Trust me this is NOT your fault, like others have said emet is based in anxiety, different people express their anxiety in different ways. My mom is a quite the hydrophobe, she doesn't know how to swim, and freaks out if she's in water like above her wast, wont even go in the ocean past her toes. When my brother and I were young (were now 18 and 15) we were both terrified of water as well but both outgrew it and our entire family refer to us as fish now. Children tend to mimic without understanding. She may be able to outgrow this, no matter what happens just be there to support her. I'm sure you're a wonderful mom <3

[Tristy Gabriel Tristan]

Hello Bebzorg,
I am really sorry you are going through this! I too am a Mom, of a 2 year old baby boy, and he has not yet showed me any signs of being afraid(he is shy like me though). But trust me it is NOT your FAULT, and whatever your Husband has been saying to you and yelling will not help the situation one bit. Do not give up and HE needs to understand the type of Fear you have and having an understanding will help him realize that its NOT your fault and you didn't have anything to with your daughters anxiety attack. It is true that it is mainly passed on to our kids through Genes, not by Seen us being afraid. I hope this helps and I hope you and your family will be ok. I hope for the best and good luck!

[bebzorg]

Thank you everyone, it's been super hard to watch her struggle these past three days. I think she might be starting her cycle soon which in turn is making her hormonal and emotional. Thankfully her dad has been much more supportive today and has spent all day by her side while I took my other two out to the beach. He even got her to eat, something that I haven't been able to do lately. I really appreciate everyone's support. Please wish my baby girl luck with her struggles!

[jptk]

Wonder how much of this anxiety thing is genetic?? HUGS. Just get her treatment is she gets too bad and love her.

There have been various studies that show that it's not genetic at all and that it is learned. I can't find the links to these studies unfortunately.

[KaydeeJayde]

I think a predisposition to anxiety is genetic but the phobias themselves are learned, they come from experiences. I've read a couple of studies as well, jptk, I have them on my other computer I think. I'll post a link when I can get to it

[bakogirl]

You're definately not alone. I hear it from my husband too. My son catches SVs really easy or he's got a really weak stomach. So before he V he freaks out real bad and has little panic attacks. My husband blames it on me. He says if I didnt make such a big deal out of it then he wouldn't feel like a freak when he's sick. I know my actions have had to rub off on the kids a little. But I don't think by any means that I ruined my kids. And no matter how bad my husband makes me feel I won't accept that I ruined them. Try not to beat yourself up over it. It's not your fault at all. I'm sure you're a great mother.

[Grace47]

I think you're right, Kaydee. The tendency for anxiety may be inherited but not specific phobias. I am not afraid of spiders but my kids are. Spiders are no big deal to me, but my kids won't cross one's path.

[jptk]

I think a predisposition to anxiety is genetic but the phobias themselves are learned, they come from experiences. I've read a couple of studies as well, jptk, I have them on my other computer I think. I'll post a link when I can get to it

I would love to read them if you get a chance to post them

[bebzorg]

I would like to have the same attitude as you, really. It's just that I can't help but imagine her living the rest of her life in fear like I have. You guys all know how much it sucks! She has always had a tendency to over think things and she has a pretty bad temper. In fact she has held a grudge against a boy who cut her shoelaces for four years now! I feel like all these things are working against her...

[Ana Bellini]

My opinion:

She doesn't have to live the rest of her life in fear. She's young, yet old enough to go to therapy and understand what she's doing there. I've been going to therapy since I was three - for emet and anger issues. Therapy helps a lot, you learn how to control yourself when you have to, and when to let go.

Just don't let it stick until it gets worse, the sooner she starts treating, the better