Humiliated.

[Lmarshall198]

This is my first post here. Hi to anyone reading. I have had this phobia for about 11 years now.. I am 25. I haven't had a legit *sv in 7 years. 3 days ago I had dinner at home with my boyfriend of 4 years. I immediately felt kinda off and started right into my rituals. I got dressed and ran outside and started pacing behind a bush. I can't handle the thought of *v in a bathroom because I won't want to ever go into that room again. So here I am, cussing, crying, pacing and begging for it to not be true. My boyfriend watching me, looking helpless and confused. I'm apaologizing for my ridiculous behavior with every breath while still acting like an idiot. Then I felt the *d urge. Went inside and sat on the toilet, put a towel over my lap and begged for him to stay in the bathroom with me. There I am, having * d* while I am shacking and crying and seizing up with fear. This lasted for 3 hours. I never *v, I think I just have great mind control but I am humiliated for what he saw. I was like a child having an extreme panic attack while sitting on a toilet and begging him to never leave me alone.



I wanted to share this and see if any of you ever had a humiliating experience like this where someone saw you at the absolute peak of your phobia and how it made you feel. Am I alone?

[Cynna]

HUGS HUGS HUGS. Have you tried therapy or meds? Been lot of great work with cbt.

[Lmarshall198]

HUGS HUGS HUGS. Have you tried therapy or meds? Been lot of great work with cbt.

Hi Cynna,

Thank you for your reply!! I am weary about meds because of the side effects (surprise, right?) and I did try going to therapy once - my insurance made finding a therapist pretty difficult, and I found one that had no experience with phobics - she seemed just as 'in the dark' as me.. Her final thought was that I had parental issues (hmm?) and maybe if I put something that belonged to my mother in my bathroom, it would calm me...? yeah - i dont know where she was going with that LOL.

Long story short, ive been trying to just ignore this but its getting out of hand. What exactly happens with CBT?

[staystrongxx]

Hugs. My boyfriend has seen me have a crying, hyperventilating, so-weak-i-had-to-sit-down panic attack. He sounds like a great guy to sit there with you for that.

[misslucy1590]

Hi there,

I believe I know exactly how you feel. There was this time when I got so anxious it affected my stomach and needed to go to the bathroom but I was scared to be alone too. My fiance stayed with me. Even though I was embarrassed I feel so happy that I have such a supportive partner. It sounds like your boyfriend is the same to you, he sounds very accepting and understanding.

I'm sorry you had to go through this but you got through it! Well done

[punchbuggy]

Definitely been there with my mom and one of my coworkers. At the absolute lowest of my anxiety disorder. Your not alone but it gets better.

Cynnas suggestion was bang on. Hope you are ok

[a90skidlol]

I'm usually alone when this happens... But I always wish somebody was there with me... But they would see my crying, and full of fear, and they'd call me a worrier.

[TerrifiedGirl]

My boyfriend was kind of freaked out about it at first. At the beginning of our relationship, I drank too much and v* on his carpet, while screaming and crying, having a panic attack, etc. He started screaming at me to get into the bathroom and that only made it a thousand times worse. More than 2 years later, he understands my rituals and tries really hard to calm me down. I have GERD with frequent night n* and he is constantly spending hours with me in the bathroom each night. He just plays his gameboy. It's gotten so much better living with him. I have d* and v* a thousand times in front of him, I was so scared he was gonna leave me but he hasn't. He's the only one besides my mother I can do it in front of, but the beginning was horribly embarrassing as well!!

[golden.protoceratops]

Yeah I have totally had that - in fact it was that experience that made me start to take all this seriously (including finding this forum). I was at a NY party and for some reason I thought I was going to burp and freaked out, had the flight response and ran away into the bushes where I started crying and then turned into a full on panic attack and retching. It was totally scary of course so I was screaming and shaking and I think it took my friends about two hours to get me to come inside (being inside plus v* is a big fear of mine) and then another hour or so for me to finally calm down. meanwhile the turn of the year had been and gone and I totally felt like I'd ruined their night! luckely a good few of those friends also have mental health stuff so they kind of got it, but of course also kind of didn't...