So ridiculous (rant, nothing graphic)

[joubes]

My poor wife ended up v*ing a couple of times this morning around 2am from what she believes was a touch of fp*. Upon arriving at work, her boss said the same exact thing had happened to her, but they both feel mostly ok today (they had gone out to lunch together yesterday, further solidifying the thought that it might have been mild fp*). Meanwhile I’m sitting here at work, unable to focus, feeling like a waste of a human being. I ended up having an anxiety attack last night a little worse than usual. I did the usual plugging my ears and waiting for the hallway light to turn off, signaling that she was out of the bathroom and coming back to bed. I get the racing heart and sometimes I’ll start shaking a little while I know it’s happening, but when it’s over, usually I calm down pretty quick. It lasted a little bit longer for some reason last night and I was still shaking when she came back to bed. This was the first time she’d ever seen that happen. She kept on telling me everything was ok and apologizing and asking if there was anything she could do. She had just been sick, feels awful, and she’s apologizing to me! Seriously?! I felt like complete dirt and I still do, knowing that she was sick and she was more worried about me. She’s fully aware of my emet and has always been understanding. I know she had absolutely no intention of making me so angry at myself by apologizing, but I couldn’t help it. I don’t know why it took me so long to calm down last night, but she was worried having lived together for over 6 years and never seeing that reaction before. She was even asking if she was too loud or if it was different in some way. I needed to be taking care of her and just the opposite was happening. It’s so absolutely freaking ridiculous. I called her today making sure she was ok, but I’m so embarrassed about last night that I didn’t even bring it up. I know she’s worried and she’ll want to discuss it later, and I realize how lucky I am to have someone so understanding, but I’m really not looking forward to it, nor do I even know what to say.

Sorry, had to rant.

[Syrup]

Remember that it's not the SICKNESS that you are scared of, it's the result - ANXIETY!!! Once you get the anxiety under control these fears will go away. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Her support will help get you through. Have you considered getting a copy of, 'Cure Your Emetophobia & Thrive'? With her help I bet you'd have it under control in no time flat! It's a great read and so empowering. Don't feel bad, we've ALL been there. I hate that feeling and guilt certainly doesn't help. Everyone processes their anxiety differently. This is how your brain is processing it right now, but remind yourself that it's temporary and that you will eventually get it under control. Don't be embarrassed, use her concern as a way to grow closer. Be honest with her about how it makes you feel and what it causes you to think about.

[Grace47]

I don't think I can add anything to what Syrup so elequently said. You have a wonderful wife and I'm glad you have such a loving supportive person in your life. Together, you can get through this.

[joubes]

Thank you for your support. Her and I had a long conversation about this whole thing last week. It seems like she's just finding out how much it affects me.

As anyone on this forum knows, explaining emetophobia (or any phobia) to someone not suffering from it isn't easy. After all, it makes NO SENSE, even to emets! Half of what I was telling her made no sense, even to me, so I couldn't possibly expect her to comprehend it all. My best attempt was to take her back to specific events that she was present for where emet had affected me in some form, and describe to her exactly what I was experiencing. She quickly realized that what she actually saw was only a small part of what was going on in my head. The last time I had a bad panic attack was on her birthday last year. She had too much to drink and the drive home from the bar took about 1.5 hours when it usually takes 25 minutes. I was either roadside, or driving very slowly so I could stop quickly, as I needed to over a dozen times. She had a hard time listening to exactly what I was going through at each stage of the evening, even before the car ride home. The worst part of the conversation was when I looked her straight in the eyes and told her that my biggest fear is actually seeing her v*. Not the v* itself, but the fact that, in a split second, despite of how hopelessly in love with her I am, my brain could make me want to be as far away from her as possible for an unknown period of time. It may be minutes, it may be days. I think both of us were on the verge of tears as that sunk in. To this day, it is the single most terrifying thought I've come across in my entire life.

Again, it seems like something hit her when she saw my reaction Wednesday night. I do not want her to feel bad for me, or feel like she has to take precautions around me because of it. I'm the one that's done my best to hide this from her for so long, which after living together this long, it seems like quite a feat. Not sure if it's a good one or not. She knew early on that I had issues with v*, and she has been continuously understanding about it. But the more she discovers, the more she wants to know. I can't deny her that, especially when it's done out of such a caring heart.

I ended up buying Rob Kelly's book this weekend. I need to do something about this before I have kids. I cannot possibly have this get in the way of me being a good father. I've only been proactive about it for a very short amount of time, because like anything that's been part of your life for 20+ years, you accept it. After discovering the amount of support out there for it and the fact that there's hope in getting rid of it, my outlook changed a bit to say the least.