WANT TO LEAVE KIDS -PHOBIA SO BAD !!!!!!!

[pookey30]

I have just joined here tonight.


I am beyond desperation now. I have had this phobia about V**** and S*** for as long as I can remember. It has always been severe. My other half had food poisioning a few years ago and at 3am I drove 15 miles to my mums house so I could be away from him. Years before that I was in a minicab after a night out with friends. One of my friends was very drunk and was burping and felt S***. Another friend told the cab driver to pull over. At this point I had the car door open and went to get out of the moving car. My friend had to pull me back in and slap me round the face to calm me down.


Now I have two lovely children. A boy who is 3 at the end of this month and a new daughter aged 8 weeks old. My little boy felt S*** on Friday night and I was here on my own so I called my mum and she came round to help me. He wasn't S*** and seemed better. Anyway, early hours of yesterday morning he was crying in his bed. My other half carried him through to our room and on the way in he did it. I don't even like talking about it. We have a wooden floor. I don't want to say anymore about that as you must know what it was like. I ended up sleeping downstairs as I couldn't be in the same room as I was so scared he would do it again. My partner had to take the day off work to be here incase it happened again.


Now....... I just want to pack a bag and leave! Please don't think I am a bad mother and that I don't love my children. I would give my life for them but, the thought of being here again when one of them is S*** is just to much for me to take. I want to leave my children rather than be here if it happens again. I saw the doctor today to be refered for help but I'm not optimistic as I had phsycotherapy years ago and it was C**P to say the least. If I don't get help soon I will have to go as I have only had 4 slices of dry toast since Friday. I can't eat, I am that scared of it happening and worried that I will do it too! I have tablets from the doctor to take incase I feel ill. I don't want to talk about that either.


I need to talk to someone. I am so desperate I cannot explain it. If somebody told me I would do it at 6pm tomorrow night I would top myself before then rather than have that happen to me.


Please reply as I don't want to feel alone on this anymore.


Thanks for reading this xxxxxxxxxxEdited by: pookey30

[donna1216]

Pookey, I replied to you under Jennyleigh's topic about her kids!!!

[rileyl]

Pookey, I replied to you under Jennyleigh's topic about her kids!!!

Me too!

[jennyleigh1975]

You are not alone with the feeling of wanting to run away. Sometimes motherhood just gets to be more than I can handle and sometimes I wonder why I ever had three children. Somehow though, I always get through it. Do you have supportive ppl in your life, ones that are understanding of this phobia?

Right now, I want to run away, it is VERY tempting tonight!!!!!!!!!!!

[2jo2]

I can only imagine what you feel like, but I don't have kids. I'm sorry you're feeling desparate right now, but please know that you can get through this.

[japa]

Well, I would imagine that what you are expressing here is similar to when people feel that they would like to quit their jobs or when people feel suicidal. I think that you are just having thoughts and feelings in response to stress, and the thoughts and feelings will pass when the stress passes. It's o.k. You haven't actually run away. You are just feeling that way. Everyone has feelings about escaping situations from time to time whether they are encounters with sickness or just with any other unpleasant things we have to go through. Edited by: japa

[crystalmom]

I also replied under jennyleighs message!

[tcsarah]

I don't have children myself, but when my fiance's young daughter comes to stay and she says she feels s***, I too panic like mad. Thank the Lord she has never actually v*ed whilst shehas been with us but you can bet your bottom dollar I'd want to flee if she did.


You are not a bad mother, nobody would think that - you have a phobia, an illness, that makes you react the way you do. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but things will get better. You say you aren't very optimistic about therapy as you've had it before and it didn't help. Maybe that therapist wasn't very good. Like with some doctors, there are good ones, brilliant ones or quite crappy ones! You kind of need to shop around until you meet the right one.


I've been in the state of mind you are right now, feeling I really can't cope with life anymore and feeling utterly desperate. I used to go to bed at night and pray not to wake up in the morning. But I kept battling on, and now I thank God I didn't do anything silly like try and take my own life (I thought about it many times), as my life is so very much better now. I made the decision when I reached rock bottom to try anything and everything to try and help with my phobias and anxiety(I'vesuffered agoraphobia aswell as emet). I tried cognitive therapy, saw a psychologist, a psychiatrist, went to yoga classes, took a course in aromatherapy and stress relief, learnt meditation and relaxation, had hynotherapy - you name it , I tried it. I also took medication, which helped a lot. I eventually found an anti-depressant that worked wonders for me and have never looked back. It may take a bit of time and a bit of searching but like me, I'm sure you'll find something that helps.


You have taken the first step and been to see your doctor, hopefully you won't be waiting too long before you can start your therapy. Keep coming here, and write about your fears and worries - it really does help to share your feelings with otherswho feel the same. We will offer you as much support as we can. I'm not saying it's going to be plain sailing, but keep battling away andI'm sure you will beat this phobia into submission one day.


Take care.


Tracey x

[pookey30]

Thanks Tracey,


Although my doctor is going to refer me to a gateway worker, this afternoon I took the liberty of phoning the gateway workers myself rather than waiting for the doctor to do it. I told them they will be getting a referal from my GP. I was on the phone to a worker for over 30 mins. I ended up breaking down. They are going to phone me back tomorrow. They know how bad this is for me. I told them I want to leave my children as I don't know when they are going to be sick next and that I havn't eaten for 4 days now. I even had dihorrea last night. Not that I am ill. It is just the fear that has done this. I only had 2 hours sleep. My son came into my bed so I got out of it and went in his. Although he doesn't appear to be ill anymore I can't bear being near him incase he does it again. He is three this month. Poor little man. He needs his mummy and I cant be there for him. Not even when he is well incase he turns ill.


The workers listened to me and they say that they will deal with this URGENTLY. They said they will try to see me within the next couple of days rather than a month. Lets hope they can pass me onto someone who can and will help or my poor children wont have a mother. Not saying I want to kill myself.... I just want to pack a bag and run......


Hope to speak to you again soon.


Thanks again for your reply


Karen


xxx (P.S. don't have kids. I thought I would be able to deal with this for my kids but I can't and now it's too late. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have children!)

[needhelp]

I know so well what you are going through and feeling. I also have two children one 3 1/2 and one that just turned 1. I love them to death, but when they are sick, I am completely unable to be there for them and that hurst sooooo much. My son was just s--- the other night (fortunately it had been about a year and a half since his last bout) and I am a basket case right now. I know how you feel. I want to run away too and on top of that I feel guilty for wanting that. I feel terrible that I got my wife and kids involved in this. I feel that if I had just stayed single, I wouldn't be putting them trough this now. I am so afraid that I might pass this fear onto them and that would just crush me.


On the other hand, I don't know what I would do without them, so I have to find a way through this. I am going to find a therapist too and get help. I have tried hypnotherapy, but it didn't seem to work for me. I am hoping that a cognitive behaviorist might be able to help.


In any case, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't believe that in today's scientifically advanced world we can't find a solution to this horrible problem. But, I guess it just shows the awesome power (for good and bad) of the human mind.


Hang in there. I know am - even if it is just by a thread.

[kate1966]

Pookey.............my heart goes out to you...I have been in your shoes before...it gets easier with time...well it did with me anyway....i know how you feel though...it is so hard to deal with. My boys are older now 15 and 12...so they aren't sick as often as they used to be when they were younger....i hope and pray that you get the help you need to get a hold on yourself...your kids need you...and i know how guilty you are feeling now...but i think with time...and help you will feel better abou this...it's hard for everyone...but somehow you just manage to get through it. Please don't regret having your kids...they are gifts from god...and he would never deal you anything you could not truely handle...I have found that if i look at the big picture...i see that my kids are my life..and they are so innocent and need us so much for guidance....and to know that always makes me feel happy to be their mom...now i am not putting you down...but please think of how your kids need you. I know that you will be fine...and that you love your kids...we all do...and we want to be able to be there for them....i wish you luck....Kate

[pookey30]

Kate and Needhelp.....


Thankyou very very much for your replies. They mean so much.


Last night was tough. My son was in our bed last night so I slept in his bed as I cant spend the night with him anymore incase he is ill. I am constantly checking his colour and feeling his head to see if he is hot.


He seems okay now but I can't be with him. My 8 week old was in our room too so I took the baby monitor into his room where I was trying to sleep but I was so scared that I would hear him wake up and be S*** I turned the monitor off and bought my 8 week old baby into his single bed with me.


My other half works nights on Fridays and Saturdays so I am here on my own with my two children. It is normally bad enough but now my son was S*** the other night I am really really dreading this Friday and Saturday. I don't know what to do. He comes into our bed every night around 2am. I can't get out and leave him on his own but I will have to. I just can't sleep next to him anymore.


What can I do? I need help so badly or I will just have to go. I want to go!!! I don't want to be here feeling like this any longer. I'm still not eating properly and I had dihorreah (cant spell that) last night with all the worry.


Will let you know howI get on tonight.


Thanks again for all your support.


Karen


xxx


Take care everyone[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img][img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img][img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[2jo2]

I know you think you can't stay there in the bed with him, but what you're doing (as someone looking from the outside in) is associating him with sick, but even though you know this logically isn't fair/true, you need to break that association. Just because he sleeps in your bed, doesn't mean every time that he does he'll get sick like he did the other night. It's just like people who are afraid to wear the same shirt they had on when they were last sick... just wearing it isn't going to make them sick. I hope that you can find the courage to stay in the bed and not avoid your son when he comes in. I can only imagine how difficult it must be, but like I said before, I don't have kids. You have incredible courage for just taking that leap, in my opinion! I'm so glad you've sought help, and I hope they can get to you soon. You're in my thoughts.

[tcsarah]

It's good that you are getting fast tracked through for help. It can be a real pain desparately needing to start therapy but having to wait ages for an appointment.


I understand how scared you must be at the thought of looking after your children on your own Friday and Saturday night, but if your son hasn't v*ed since the beginning of the week the chances of him doing it again this weekend areextrememly slim. Whatever bug he had effected him last weekend and has gone now. Would it help to ask your mum to come over again, for a bit of extra support? If she knows what a tough time you are going through right now, I'm sure she'll want to be there for you and help in any way she can.


Regards your diarrhoea, I think you only have that because you haven't been eating properly - if themain thingyou are putting into your body is fluids and only a scant of food, when you go to the loo it will come out as fluid. On top of that all the anxiety and stress, well, that can cause diarrhoea. So please don't worry that you may have what your son had, I'm surethat's not the case.


Please keep us updated with how you are doing.


Tracey x

[donna1216]

Pookey, you are not a bad mother--my daughter was sick last Sunday evening, so I took my 5 yr. old and my 3 mo. old out for a couple of hours and left the sick one with my husband. Of ocurse, she was only sick the 1 time, when I am home alone with them, they v*** all night long!!!!!!! But, I was thankful it was just the once, now I am hoping the v'ing is out of their system for at least a year!!!

[crystalmom]

I can relate to this as well. Although when me son did get a bug quite a while ago (knock on wood) I was actuaaly surprised at my composure. Although his dad had to sooth him, and I just cleaned up.


Now, my fear is he will get a sv this year. My husband and I are getting divorced so the thought of being here alone with him while he is sick terrifies me. I just hope my b/f is on days off or something. Chances of that are slim too, though, since he works 14 days on and 7 off. He's only actually home for about one week a month, and that is very hard when noone is even sick.


I hope that you get the help you need, pookey, b/c that is a scary thought to be having. I know you don't actually want to run away from your children, you want to run away from the situation. You definately need to disassociate your son v*ing in your bed, to him v*ing at all. He's good now. Noone else is sick, and now you are putting your body through hell. See if you can find an outlet where you can shut your mindoff for a while, to try and sleep. I always think about what I would do if I won the lottery! Makes you think, and it's always happy thoughts!


Let us all know how you are doing....and your kids!


Crystal

[sage]

Pooks,


Please know that you are not alone, as many of the replies have shown. And there IS help available. Check the IMPORTANT INFO section of the Treatments section (sticky links at the top). Esp. INFO TO GIVE YOUR DR. OR FAMILY. You may want to print it out and give it to your healthcare professional to read. It usually helps a lot.


I raised 3 kids to adulthood and please believe me that I was EXACTLY the same as what you describe. I, too, felt like a horrible mother and wanted to die. This phobia can be incredibly severe...I understand that. It's not your fault, however. And there is hope.


You can also go to the EXPERIENCES thread and read my story 'CURED OF EMETOPHOBIA' at the top. Take note of what I said about how I was with my kids. To reassure you, my children are 30, 22 and 21 now and they are wonderful, stable, happy and well-adjusted adults! Not having kids is not the answer to this. It is getting proper treatment, being committed to it (forever) and claiming your life back.


Good luck!

[swiftette]

I have suffered the same as you. Two winters ago, I panicked so badly when my now 8 yr old was ill, I tried to flush v**on paper towels down the toilet(which had v* in it) and it over flowed. I screamed and cried and then after I cleaned it all up, I was so ashamed of myself for letting my 2 children see me like that. I'm still ashamed of myself for it. All I can tell you is please don't do anything in a state of panic that you WILL regret later. We can't keep every single virus away from our children. Practice good hygeine and teach them to. Get into the habit of NOT sharing food. I use a mask and gloves when I need to clean up a "spill"and whatever I can throw away, I do. I also keep anti-emetics handy just incase I might get a virus(gulp!) And remember, they won't be little forever. The older they get, the more they can do for themselves and the stonger their immune systems will be. I'm sorry your feeling so desperate now. I've been there too. Donna

[pookey30]

I JUST WANT TO THANK EVERYONE FOR ALL THE HELP AND SUPPORT I HAVE BEEN GETTING. I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT ALL MY FELLOW EMETS !!!


MY SON IS 3 IN TWO WEEKS TIME. I TOLD YOU ALL IN THE FIRST POST ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK. HE ONLY WEARS NAPPIES DURING THE NIGHT. HE WOKE ME UP THIS MORNING TO TELL ME HE HAD DONE A "POO". I TOOK HIS NAPPY OFF AND HE HAS DIHORREA AGAIN. I AM ON MY OWN AGAIN TONIGHT AS MY OTHER HALF IS WORKING NIGHTS. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IF HE STILL HAS THIS SV ??????????? I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS. NOW I JUST WANT TO GO..... HE SEEMS BRIGHT ENOUGH PUT LOOKS A BIT WHITE. HE WAS BRIGHT THE DAY HE V* SO I'M NOT CONVINCED HE IS OKAY.


HELP !!!!!!!!

[pookey30]

Hello everyone.....


Just want to let you know how I am getting on.


It is one week tonight since my son V* and today is the first day I have managed to eat properly. (More than a couple of slices of dry toast.)


Now I am scared of Sunday nights / Monday mornings in case it happens again.


I put my sons pyjamas in a boil wash (95 degrees) TWICE. I still cant put him in them incase they make him do it again!


There was thunder and lightning when it happened to him last week and it thundered yesterday. I automatically thought this would make him V* again.


AM I WEIRD? My other half says I am but I just cant get over it. I'm still getting flash backs of when it happened.


NOT COPING AT ALL. STILL WANT TO GO....


Seeing a councellor on the 27th Sept to be refered.


Thanks for reading


Karen


xxxxxxxxxx

[tcsarah]

I think most phobics have supersticions about things, so say something horrible happened when you were wearing a certain top you would think twice about wearing it again for fear another bad thing would happen. I always have to 'touch wood' when I say certain things otherwise I think I'm in for it, lol. So you are difinitely not weird!


Has your son's diarrhoea cleared up? Having diarrhoea doesn't automatically mean v* will accompany it, hope this helps.


Once you've lived through a few Sunday nights/Monday mornings and your son has been just fine that suspicion should ease. I remember having the same fear of Friday nights after I came down with diarrhoea and sickness due to gastric flu early hours Friday/Sat morning, about fifteen years ago now. But after a month of being ok that disappeared.


Try and keep your chin up, Karen. My thoughts are with you.


Tracey x

[swiftette]

yup thats true,( tracey said-phobics have supersticions about things. )Last March, I came across this movie called the secret lives of dentists. HORRIBLE MOVIE!!All about stomach virus in a family-not much elsepoint to the movie.Well, that night, my six year old woke up with an sv*!! Of course I was freaked out and thought it was partially my fault for watching a movie which"tempted fate". Well long story short, every time I see it's on, I avoid it like I could catch it from the tv, so last week, I MADE myself sit and watch the whole thing just about. I was very anxious that night but I woke up the next morning without me or anyone else getting sick. You have to rationalize with yourself. Fight the fear. I know it's hard but startfighting the superstitions . It's the only way life can get back to"normal".