Selfish? Need Advice..bad :(

[kmarie]

OK..so heres my problem...


Myhusband (we havent even been married a year) loves doing emergency service type jobs. He is on a voulenteer fire department and is working on getting hims EMT liscence.


WELL..he now wants to go work part time at the local ambulance company as a drive (and then EMT once he gets his liscence...which means he will be on call a couple of nights a week and may be working an overnight shift every couple of weeks..


not a problem right?.... WRONG...night time is horrible for me...not so bad when im with someone ..but if Im alone?? good lord...constant panic..Im scared TO DEATH of being home alone at night time..what if soemthing happens? Idont drive so I cant leave the house if I need to..what if Im sick? or what if i have a medical emergency and cant get to the phone for help?what if someone breaksin?what if there is a fire? it all scares me so bad..i actuallyc ry when I think about it


I can sometimesdeal with him being toned out for fire/first responder calls durring the night....most times i lay awake..worring...panicking..pacing..and crying.


He really really wants to do this...if he could hed do it for his full time job (the pay really really sucks though)...and everytime I say im not sure I can handle being home alone he gets this horridly sad face..and looks so dissapointed.


I feel really selfish...id be much happier if he never went to work for the ambulance (dont get me wrong..its a noble thing to do and we need people to do it..but my husband??)...i explain this to him..tell him im honest..and explain that I would be happier if he didnt do it..but I know its soemthing he really wants so im gonna try really really hard..


and Im going to...but what if I cant deal with being home alone when he works a night shift..or if he gets called out on a transfer for hours on end?


its so hard...its either im happy or hes not..either im happy and hes miserable becuase he cant go do his perfect job..or i say got for it so hes thrilled..but ims tuck at home panicing myself sick..


what do I do guys? I just wish he didnt want to do it...life wouldbe os much easier...i know i have to face my fears..but I dont know how..or if I can yet..what if I say got for it..and then i really really cant deal and he has to stop? it will make him sad..and mad im sure...


I dont want to hold him back..but I dont know..one of us is gonna get the s***ty side of this...


any advice? words of wisdom? ideas on how to deal with being alone?


thanks in advance..i know that was long..but i needed to vent so bad...

[2jo2]

Do you see a therapist? Because there's some reason why you feel afraid at night. I don't mean to be all analytical here but if you're ok being alone other times of the day except night, then what is it about the night that scares you? Is it the dark? Is it sleeping alone? My mother in law is the same way, my father in law works shift work and has midnight shift straight for 7 days in a row. She doesn't sleep that whole time, or else my sister in law has to come and stay with her. She just needs another body in the house. As far as being afraid of something bad happening, do you have a dog? They're great for protection! I have two, and they keep me calm when I'm home alone at night, which is alot. My husband is an architect and works a ton of hours. There's lots of times I go to sleep alone. The chances of having a fire at night are slim. Nothing's on and no ones up to cause it. Same with a medical emergency. I don't want to downplay your feelings at all, because I know they're real, but if would help you alot I think if you could identify what it was that scared you about the night. It helps me to feel more powerful if I have a plan of action for anything that may happen. It puts you more in control. I hope you're doing better with this, because people need ambulances all times of the day, and your husband is really doing a great service by wanting to be an EMT. I'm sure he feels awful having to leave you alone. Talk with him and maybe he'll help you with these things. Let us know how you're getting along. Take care!

[trickyvicky]

Hi,this is a difficult one as 1) Your husband needs to do things in his life that will give him some kind of satisfaction.i.e work.2) i understand your aniexty,i don't have a problem being on my own at night ,but i don't have any family to turn 2 through the day or nite....I'm agrophobic and i always worry that what if i fell ill and had to go to hospital,i just would kick and scream!!!! the only suggestion i could give is write a list of all the things that would worry u sit down with your husband and come to a compramise on what the alternative things u could do when he's at work,like if u needed help,who would u call.....I don't know where u are but in the UK we have a 24hr number for the Samaritians and they are great to speak 2.When i have felt suicidal i have called them u don't need to give your name or anything they are just trained counsellors there to give u support at anytime of the day or nite.sometimes it's nice to just have someone to tell u it's going to be ok and reassure u.....maybe u could look out and enquire for something like that where u live!!! u sound like u are aware that u husband needs to do something like this and the more and more we stop them from doing things because of our fears,all it does is push them further and further away from understanding.....


hope u can work something out,just try and be honest with him and explain why these things worry u,i'm sure he will understand!!!


Take care vickyx

[Galadriel]

Hey Kmarie!


I know this is a tough situacion for you, but I agree with the others that you have to think about what it is about nighttime that scares you, and what could you do about it to make it seem less worse? I don't think insisting that your husband stay home is the exact solution, cause that could just make it worse in the long run. You need to figure out what it is about it that bugs you so, and think of some coping strategies. Maybe a family member or friend you could call in a jam? Just some suggestions....tell us how it works out!

[Eternity]

Have a friend spend the night?

[crazybeautiful]

Have a friend spend the night?

I'm sure she can't do this everynight..


Kmarie, I hate being home alone at night. I agree it scares me. I also agree with everyone else. There are some things you can do though.


You could get an alarm system, keep the phone near your bed at all times, have a friend or family member check in on you.


Hopefully you'll be okay!

[kmarie]

Thanks guys..I know my husnad has to do this..and I cant stop him..becuase he wants to..and needs to..and should be able to!!


I dont know exactly why im afaird of night time..or what could happen then..day time is ok..my parents live right down the road..and I know I can call them anytime..but I dont because I dont want to wake them for some stupid reason like I hear odd noises.


I think part of my problem is I dont have the confidence in myself to make it through tough situations alone..like..i dont feel i have the strenght and courage to do it..ya know? part of it is i sleep much better with someone besided me..always have and probably always will.


My parents were in emergency service jobs all of my life..my dad was an emt and firefighter and my mom is a cop..so i have lived with it..but they never left me home all alone at night (not until i was 18 for gods sake!!)..


I dunno...i know i will deal with it somehow...becuase I want my husband to be happy..and knowing he is out helping someone really makes me proud.


k..idea here..it think part of it is i have always had someone to take care of me if I needed them..like my parents...or my husband...if he goes and leaves me here alone..im alone..with no one to take care of me..and Im scared that I cant take care of myself in sticky situatuons...


it bothers me so much..i feel so stupid..helpless..and really selfish..im not sure what I will do...maybe buy myself a german shepard..LOL..i have a basset houd...but he would just lick introuders to death..


I know I bounced around a lot..sorry about that..hope it makes sence..all in all..i guess I dont feel that I am really able to take care of myself or handle sticky situations..something goes wrong and i panic and turn useless.


lordy guys..i feel like a dork..a childish dork..thanks for listening

[siafi]

You don't sound stupid or childish - I totally understand your feelings! I agree with you though, that your husband should be able to participate in this program. And I really, really, really think that you can handle it! Just make it a special "you" night - relax with a good book or rent a movie. When I'm home alone I close all the curtains, turn on all the lights, and maybe turn on the tv or the radio for some company. I think you should try it for at least one night, and try to stay as relaxed as possible so you can start feeling comfortable being alone at night. Let us know how it goes!

[SimplyMe]

Aww, kmarie, don't beat yourself up. you are good to want your husband to be happy, that is so sweet and unselfish. You said daytime is ok right? So what will happen at night that can't happen thru the day right? That si a question you could ask yourself when youa rea alone and feel scared. Your parents are still up the road, your phone is still working etc. Maybe you could do a trail next time he is called out at night. Try and remind yourself that youa re ok. Also could you get an alarm system in your house w/ a panic button in your room, and also smoke detectors in every room, maybe that could help you feel better. Sleep w/ the tv on or a night light or soemthing. Do you have any friends that are night owls who you could talk to on the phone and be busy? I know night time seems scarier because there isnt' as much going on outside but everything you need is still going on, in that you can still get help or support anytime you need it. Hope this helps!

[HDogg]

I can totally relate! My husband works for the cable company and whenever he's on call, he has to leave at all hours of the night, so the insomniac perverts of the world can have their Playboy and "Skinemax."


I hate the thought of being sick alone at night. That is what scares me the most. I live sort of in the country, so it'sa very safe neighborhood. I fear having a fire or dying in my sleep of carbon monoxide poisoning, even though having hubby here wouldn't help anyway. I just hate knowing that if I'm sick in the night by myself, I can't call anyone, b/c it's the middle of the night. That's how my crazy brain works--so I know what you're going through.