How does your spouse or bf/gf handle your anxiety and fear?

[Goingmonkeys]

Hi all,

A bit new here but nonetheless a strong survivor of this wretched phobia going on 14 years out of the 25 I've spent on this planet. Not sure if this has been discussed, but I'm genuinely curious how your spouse or bf/gf go about tending to your panic episodes? Do they do anything specific, or do you sought the opinions of other emetophobics (since we're qualified!). I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 years now, and I didn't hesitate one moment on our first date to spill the beans about my phobia. I wanted to make sure I could be with someone who can calm me down and help me maintain some normality in life. I don't know if this is selfish or not, but I think it's a fair evaluation of another person if the phobia takes a big chunk of your life and time. Just want to share some of what my boyfriend does to bring me back to planet Earth:

1. Firstly, he knows right off the bat when I'm about to have a moment. I'll immediately say, "Getting anxiety." He knows exactly what that entails. I don't need to explain what is causing the anxiety, because it is, has, and always will be about the same thing. He'll inquire what triggered it. If it's food, he'll list every reason why it's fine right down to the subatomic details. If I heard a virus is going around, he'll list everything I do right that prevents me from infection. He'll then proceed to turn on the shower and get it hot, which is my go-to source for calming my anxiety through the relaxation of hot water and steam, and spend the remainder massaging my back and repeating: "You'll be A-OK, I promise." 99% of the time, it works! Sometimes it'll take up to an hour before my breathing is relaxed, but he never hesitates because repetitive reassurances is the best way to combat repetitive anxious thoughts. You gotta keep it up!
2. He will eat the same food I do if I'm unsure about it, which he doesn't mind. He has zero fear of getting sick, but in some weird way it reassures me seeing him eat the same thing I am, that way later on in the day if I have a bellyache and he doesn't, then it's just me being silly. It also makes dining out a lot more enjoyable for me, and he'll do anything to see me relax for a moment.
3. If he does get sick from other reasons (one too many gin and tonics for example) he'll calmly warn me that he needs to be ill, and that I should either put ear plugs in, or take a moment to go on our apartment deck until he's finished.
4. He never misses a beat in hand washing after coming from outside - mostly for my sanity than his.

It's such a nice feeling finding someone who's on the same wave-length as you, and takes each episode seriously as if it were the very first.

Does your spouse or bf/gf have any tricks to making you feel better quickly and/or alleviating fear?

[Maige]

Well, the person I like (isn't exactly with me yet as she doesn't know) is very understanding of it. She's also across the continent from me but I often tell her when I'm doing particularly bad. She always asks me if I want to be left alone or if I want to keep talking; and if I want to keep talking she always does her best to distract me by babbling on about something unrelated, which always definitely helps me. <3

[socitycourty]

MY DH seems to have lost patience over time....I honestly keep things to myself unless it's real bad.
Suffering in silence sucks

[NicManri]

My bf is pretty patient, especially since he learned its a ligetiment phobia. He does get annoyed that I hate going out during flu season as he is an active person and loves to do things. However he is very tolerant of other things like my weird food habits. If I don't like the way something looks/smells/taste he knows I'm not going to eat it and doesn't bother me or make me feel bad about it. This year he's been better about hand washing and disinfecting. He even changes out of his work clothes when he gets home, he works in a gym, ick. And if I'm feeling neasous he'll ask if its in my head or real and get me tea or whatever I need. So over all I guess I'm pretty lucky, even if he can't fully comprehend it at least he try's most of the time.

[ashley11]

I am the same as socitycourty I only tell my hubby if it is real bad. I suffer through panic in silence. It sucks but at the same time I have never liked to talk or have someone touch me when I have an attack. My parents always tried when I was a kid and I hated it. When I first started dating my husband and told him he tried to help too but he never understood it. He is awesome support and great with taking the kids when they are v*, but he never really got the panic attacks. It usually happens in the middle of the night so he is either at work or asleep.

[MaybeBaby]

My boyfriend is pretty good when I'm truly panicked. He went through my gallbladder issues with me. Since no one knew what was wrong with me. There was constant nausea. Which meant I was in a state of constant panic. I was in so much pain and so nauseated, he was really there for me. He would even take me to the ER in the middle of the night and just hold my hand and try and catch a few winks. If I am having a panic attack he'll try and distract me, and if I need to be left alone he's okay with that too. He does sometimes joke like he's gonna throw up, but only when I KNOW he's not sick at all. He'd never do it in the middle of a panic attack. Also sometimes when he wakes up too early he will get nauseated, sweaty and sometimes throw up. He'll tell me and turn on the fan in the bathroom. Wash his hands really well and then let me go bleach crazy... you know, just in case.

[jmoore10]

I'm lucky to have a patient and supportive husband. Sometimes I don't know why he puts up with my shit!
He's always quick to reassure me that nothing bad will happen but will sit for hours with me when I'm having a panic attack to help me through it, even in the middle of the night if he has to. He will sit and hold/stroke my hand and arm for hours until I stop hyperventilating and shaking. He also just talks non stop about random stuff like golf or work stuff kind if like a distraction technique.
I try to hide it from him when I'm struggling because I don't want to be a burden or annoy him but he knows me too well and ends up calling me out on it.

[KimberlyP]

First, that guy sounds like a keeper, GoingMonkeys. What a great guy!

I've always had this phobia but it was dormant until about 2.5 years ago, I married my husband six years ago. It has definitely been a learning experience for him but he is extremely supportive. He is the same as your BF: he doesn't fear, and actually welcomes, v-ing. Sometimes he gets frustrated but when he sees that it's a legitimate panic attack and I'm about to freak out, he does these special things that calms me down. He allows me to wake him in the middle of the night for him to do the calming. He handles 100% when our kids V. One especially bad stomach virus that hits my poor kiddos, he came home early from work because he knew I was freaking the eff out. He is very good at using Zylast. He's just a great guy.

my heart really goes out to the people whose spouses aren't supportive. This is a terrifying phobia, nobody should have to handle it alone, let alone with someone who is rude about it.

[mess_of_a_dreamer]

Holy crap, he sounds AMAZING! Would you mind cloning him lol? I've never had a boyfriend so I guess I wouldn't know...I've kind of contented myself with the fact that I probably never will, and that's honestly okay with me. I'll just get a bunch of cats when I'm older!

But the only people in person who know about this phobia are my parents - well, I'm not sure if they even really know about it. I think I've mentioned to both of them at some point (it's been years) that I fear it more than anything else in the world and they were just like, perplexed and said I should just v* to make myself feel better. Once rather recently my mom said she felt like she was going to v* and I ran out of the house and sat on the lawn lol and she was like "oh, it's okay, I'm fine now, it was just a split second feeling!" so I think maybe she has some idea. But I don't think she really understands. I don't really talk about it with my dad. I told him once years and years ago and he thought I was delusional I think lol. But from where he's from v* and d* are seen as totally normal and happen a lot but it's the respiratory stuff like colds and sore throats he absolutely FREAKS OUT over and thinks I'm going to die if I get a cold lol. I don't really have a problem with colds. They're unpleasant obviously but I've had enough to know how to deal...

I've also mentioned it to a couple of internet friends (outside this site) but they haven't really said anything about it one way or another. I wish wish wish people understood this though. But I'm just naturally secretive, not just about this - anything I feel like has the potential for embarrassment. Like for instance, I don't mind telling people that I'm irrationally afraid of tornadoes or tsunamis but I do mind telling people exactly how afraid of death I am, and how I spent a good year of my life not being able to sleep alone because I was afraid either my parents or I wouldn't wake up in the morning. I don't mind telling people I'm obsessed with Harry Potter, but I don't like people to know I like Taylor Swift. This is all in-person only...on the internet I'm much more free, which is why I feel like I need​ the internet. It's the only way I can really get out my feelings.

[Erin80]

I need to pretend I'm not bothered by it at all - he thinks "facing your fear" is the best way to deal with it. So if I acted scared or freaked out when one of my kids gets sick, he would force me to deal with it the next time. I play my phobia WAY down, and because of that, he deals with all v*'ing if he's home.

[staystrongxx]

my boyfriend is pretty much amazing at handling me. he's just an amazing guy over all, and so understanding. he doesn't get embarrassed when I bring sanitizing wipes with me places, he doesn't get mad when I won't go somewhere because someone there is sick. he's very good at calming me down when I'm panicking thinking I've caught something. I love him so much,I got really lucky. I told him right off the bat about my phobia because I'm pretty open about it.we've been together 2 years in March.

[bswarac]

I have the most amazing, wonderful, and supportive husband. He has been the only person in my life truly understanding of this phobia, and how it rules my life (everyone else is always angry with me, or not understanding). I am so incredibly grateful to have found him along this journey. He bends over backwards for me when times are tough, and will be there for me no matter what (panic attack, *SV, etc.).

[Felle]

My boyfriend is very understanding cos he's got a phobia himself (not emet), and he is so amazing. He doesn't get mad at me, he understands what I do when I'm on a countdown ans he is so supportive. Never complains about my precautions but can get annoyed when I spend our last money on mints.. :P but he knows that it makes me feel better so he doesn't make me stop or anything. I'm so lucky. I also told him as soon as we got together (august 2012) but since my emet wasn't too bad then, he didn't get to actually experience it until this winter. He is a trooper.

[MrParker]

Well I don't have either of those but I do know for sure that my close friends, family or parterns sometimes find it hard to deal with my anxiety and stuff. One of my close friends suffers from emetophobia so we can relate to each other. I don't really talk about my anxiety that much anymore in fear of stressing, upsetting or angering my friends, family or partners. It may not be healthy to not tell them these things but I'm to scared to confide with my friends, family or partners.

[MrsFox]

My husband is for the most part, wonderful. I can completely understand sometimes he gets frustrated, because he's never had any mental health or anxiety issues of any nature and sometimes I think he just wants the power of his words to be enough!

I also tend to not wake him at night anymore because he works long hours with early starts and the guilt was killing me - he didn't move to reassure me there so I felt he was getting annoyed. That's all my own assumption though.

He's seen me power through and deal with others being sick and like me he's a bit disappointed I'm struggling so much with being sick myself. He's always fiercely protective though and is the first to jump in if someone pulls the old line 'well nobody likes it...'

OP, you got a keeper