I HAVE PACKED SOME BAGS

[pookey30]

I have just been upstairs. My son is stirring. I'm so scared that he is going to wake up and be ill again.


I am on my own with him all day everyday and on Friday and Saturday nights too as my partner works nights. I can't cope with this so I have packed some bags. I'm going to write a letter and I think I will go. I really can't do this.


I want to take my 12 week old baby with me but what do I do when she is the age when she will v* properly? I want to take her so that my partner can cope better with child care for a 3 year old on his own withoutmy 12 week old daughter but then I don't want to take her as I dont know where I will end up.


I really feel bad about going but I cant stay.


I will let you all know how I get on. I will write the letter and then see how I feel.


[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[shiva]

I really hope you read this before you go. You just can't do this. Please don't do this. Don't let this stupid phobia tear you from your family. You can't choose one child over the other. What will you do with her when she's 2? Come on, please just stay home. Go lay on the sofa, watch some t.v. and get some rest. Your children are being taken care of. There is nothing you have to do. Don't burden your kids with this. Trust me. My mom left when I was young and then came back. You don't realize until you are much older how it can affect a life. I think many of my problems are because of this. I would have so much rather had a crazy mom who was around than to feel unloved. Please do not leave.

[pookey30]

Thanks Shiva,


I have been on the phone to the Samaritans for the past hour. I want to go but the thought of leaving them is tearing me apart.


I have a baby monitor on so I can hear if my 12 week old daughter wakes up. I cant sleep incase I hear my son wake up over the monitor and start to cry. If he wakes up crying I know he will be s* again. It's 0224 now and I'm not going to be fit to look after them tomorrow.


I am so so scared that he will be ill again. I would be here on my own tomorrow and I cant cope with this. I would cut my legs off to be able to get rid of this phobia.


My bags are packed and I am dressed. The only way to get away from this fear is to go. Be away from my son incase he does "it" again.


I really want to go but my partner is self employed. If I go he wont be able to work and we would lose the house.


What shall I do. I want and need to go for their sanity and mine. The fear of this is killing me. I'm shaking and I have palpatations. That is with my sonbeing asleep. What am I going to do if he wakes up?


[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]


Karen

[shiva]

Is there ANYONE who can come sit with you tomorrow? Is there anything you can take to help you relax? Why don't you bring the baby down with you? Then you can turn off the monitor and get some rest. The good thing about vomiting is that our bodies know exactly what they have to do to get the job done... There is nothing you can do to help your son get through it. He will be okay even if he's vomiting and alone. You don't have to be there. Is there a t.v. in your bedroom? You could put it on for him tomorrow and give him a bucket and stay downstairs. Anything is better than leaving them. Please trust me on this one. If you can get through this, you will be that much stronger. You will not go nuts. Your sanity is not at stake. I know it feels that way, but once it is all over, these feelings will pass and you will be glad you didn't forsake your legs! Seriously, you can do this. I know you can. It's not fun. It's not easy. It's not at all comfortable, but I know you can handle it. Please hide your keys or something. Just stay home and make yourself deal with it.

[samara's on tv]

Don't leave.I mean what kind of image does that portray to your son if you leave when he gets sick? I mean wouldn't that make him feel like he isn't going to be LOVED if he's sick? I know how you feel...well sort of. When me and my sisters were little and my sister was to get sick I would avoid her like the plague and I think that has played a BIG part on me and her not getting along over the years...because she was sick A LOT. I hope you don't leave...the best thing to do is stay and try to work through it...do anything you can to help you relax. My prayers are with you.


~Monica

[mommyof3]

OK like I posted earlier to someone else, I am totally clueless when it comes to the health care system in the UK, but you have to be seen. Yes, I will say it--you have a mental illness. It is not rational to consider leaving your precious babies over a phobia. Get yourself to the emergency room. Beg to be admitted to the psych ward. YOU MUST GET HELP. It could be as simple a thing as getting started on proper medication and getting regular therapy. Do what you have to do for your babies and GET HELP. Bang on the door of a local psychiatrist and beg him/her to see you. Anyone with an ounce of compassion would re-arrange their schedule to help someone as desperate as you. Take a moment and look at it from your son's perspective. Please post back and let us know what is going on.

[shiva]

I am going to go and get some rest. I hope that you decide to both stay home and get some help. You can do this and I will be thinking of you. Please give this all you've got.

[spilled_milk]

Please, please, you just can't leave for good. Think of your children, and think about how torn up they would be if you leave! I am still only a teenager, and the thought of either of my parents leaving, although they are irrational and I am sometimes afraid of them emet-wise, just tears me apart. I honestly think that your childrenwould MUCHrather havea mother that is afraid than having no mother at all. You MUST see a doctor and soon. Do anything, survive this night, do not leave, and then get some help. Even if that means leaving your family temporarily to get help, like in a hospital, it is better than leaving for good. How would you feel leaving behind two people that you love? how would your children feel, knowing that they had been separated? You need to get some rest, can you call someone to come sit with you tonight?


I really hope you stay...be strong. You can do it.


<3 Anya--

[zane2673]

I have to agree with Mommyof3, I think your problem goes deeper than this phobia. I'm anemet and believe mewhen my children get sick I initially go panicky but then my mom instinct takes over and I get over it and be the mom I'm meant to be. I have the melt down after there done being sick, but I would never think of walking out on them over something they can't control. Please, please don't leave!!!


Please think of the long term ramifications in all this. Is an episode of vomiting really worth throwing your whole life away for?? I understand your fear of the vomiting but its not rational to want to walk out on your family over it. Walk around the block yes, but pack your bags and leave, no.


Please find someone to help you ASAP, and stop you from making the hugest mistake that won't just reck your life but those around you.

[stella9]

This is very frightening to me. We all hate v****** and we all want to just leave, but we know we can't. Let your partner care for your three year old. It may not be a virus. If it isn't, so be it. If it is, it won't go much beyong 24 hours. Can you imagine tomorrow night at this time, being without your kids forever because you left on account of one v**** episode? You will never forgive yourself.


Stella

[japa]

pookey -I agree with the others who have said that you need to go to the emergency room, tell the doctors that you want to desert your family and why, and I'm sure that you will be able to spend some time in the psychiatric ward. You will receive medication and counseling. Maybe that sounds bad to you that you'll be in the psychiatric ward, but there you will get better and you will no longer want to leave your family. When you come out, both of your children will have a mother restored to them in better mental health. Please get the help that you need. It is so much better than just running out on things.


For some reason, you have set up your only solution as leaving your family. What about getting help from professionals? Why don't you try that first?

[japa]

See this kind of thinking is just flawed: Going is NOT the ONLY way to get away from the fear. You need treatment. Even if you wake up tomorrow and think that you have calmed down, please please please still get treatment for yourself.

. The only way to get away from this fear is to go. Be away from my son incase he does "it" again.





[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]


Karen

[bexcelica]

pookey - i agree with everone as well. we are all going to be here for
you whenevr you need it online.. we will talk you through this if need
be. just please dont leave. aim: bexcelica. youll be okay - i know its
hard to think about - and trust me i know its hard from experience- but
you wont die if you v*. also, if you leave like that when your kid is
ill, he may grow up to have emet too. and if you would cut off your
legs to get rid of this, just try to sacrifice this night (by not
leaving) for the sake of your child. remember we are all ehre for you.



becky

[crystalmom]

Please don't do this. Son't let this overcome you and tear you and your family apart. How could leaving possibly solve your problems? It won't. Think of those precious babies. I know it is scary thinking of them v*ing, but you are a mother, and you have to find it within yourself to hang on. Please get some help, find some support. Please don't do this to your children, or to yourself. It will NOT help. Your emet will still be there, plus more problems. Please don't leave your kids.


Crystal[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[tcsarah]

Oh, Karen my heart goes out to you, you are in such a distressed state right now, but leaving your children is absolutely not the solution. If you leave you will have removed the fear of the children v*ing around you, but you will still be phobic, nothing changes there,and addedon top of this you will be racked with guilt and feel utterly miserable from here on because you have left your babies.


You need help and asap - no waiting two/three months for therapy. Go back to your doctor and make him see how utterly desperate you are, surely you should be able to see someone pretty much straight away if it is an emergency, like it is in your case. Are you on any medication? I think it would help.


I think I remember you mentioning your mum sometimes helping out - could she come and stay with you for a while?


Please keep us updated with how you are doing. Take care.


Tracey

[kel12347]

Pookey, how are things now? Are you okay? How's your boy? Today would probably be a good day to get on the phone and demand help from anyone and everyone in the medical profession that you can find. Cry to them and explain your problem over and over until you get through.


You can do this, sweetie, you are much stronger than you think!

[spilled_milk]

Pookey, please, are you okay now? I really hope you did not leave, and stayed strong.


Pkease, please get help! You need to demand it! No one is going to refuse someone that is so afraid that they are going to the extreme to abandon their family.


<3 Anya--

[pookey30]

Thankyou everyone !!!


Well I am here. I don't know how. I finally fell asleep about 4am on the settee. My baby was coughing and sneezing at about 5am so I went up and brought her down to sleep in the lounge with me. My little boy was still asleep in the bed with his dad.


At 7.30 my other half left for work. At 8.45 my little boy got up. He looks so white. I keep trying to make him smile to see if he is okay. If he doesnt smile I know he feels ill again.


At 8.30 I phoned the doctors. I havean emergency appointment for 4.10pm this afternoon. I'm going to beg for some medication that will lesten the anxiety until I get this thing sorted. I won't be able to stay without it.


At 9.30 I called my Gateway worker. She is the one who has put me forward for therapy. I was in tears to her on the phone and let her know that my bags were still packed and that I would be going if he was s* again. She is making some phone calls to see if she can get me to see the psyciatrist earlier. She will call me back before Friday to let me know.


My little boy must be okay as he is asking for food. I have given him a boiled egg and a slice of dry toast. He helped himself to a small banana and I have given him plain boiled rice for lunch. I took him to the fields round the corner where we live to feed carrots to the horses. Anything to take his mind off being ill. Now he is laying on the settee watching Superman.


My other half will be home between 6 and 7. Only then will I be able to relax.


I have been busy trying to sort this out. This phobia is a monster. A monster I am determained to get rid of. I don't want this to ruin my life and the lives of my children. It's not fair on them to have a mother like me.


Thanks again to everyone for your support. I just hope it's 6 months or a year until the next bout of s*ness. (Although it is only a month since the last time.)


I will let you all know how I am getting on.


Love to everyone here on this site.


Thanks again


Karen (Pookey30)

[shiva]

YAY! YOU DID IT! You should give yourself a huge pat on the back because I was so scared that you were going to make the biggest mistake of your life last night. I am so proud of you and you should be, too. You sound like you are doing just fine. I know you are more than likely uncomfortable as hell with anxiety, but you are doing it! I am so proud of you for making the proper phone calls and appointments. You are going to be okay! I am so glad that you had this board to turn to last night. And I cannot say it enough, I am so proud of you that you stayed home and that you are doing a tremendous job with your son today. Hopefully he will be okay now, and hopefully you can get some help at your appointment. Seriously... Give yourself some credit for this one.

[zane2673]

I'm so glad you stayed!!!! You did it one step at a time just the way all of us get through it when it happens. I trust you'll be fine and with the right kind of help maybe you won't have to go through as badly the next time it happens. Good luck!!!!

[rileyl]

Karen -


Sweetie, you have been so brave. I understand the terror that you felt because I have felt it with my own children. Here's a story that I hope will help you. Once when my son was younger (maybe 2 or 3) he hada stomach virus. I had been up with him at night when he was v'g. Shortly after he finished v'g and I got him cleaned up, I remember him looking up at me and his eyes were filled with such love - I mean total adoration. I have never had anyone else look at me that way. I think in that moment I realzed how much my kids need and appreciate (in their own) way the fact that there is someone who looks after them when they are sick.


By the way, I hated every moment of caring for him when he was sick (except for the above moment [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]) and was, at least internally, panicking. I still hate it when my kids are sick; I still panic every time. The important thing to remember is that if you made it through once, you can do it again.


That being said, you still need to find ways to take care of yourself. This means getting the right therapy and possibly medication and finding another person who can help out when your partner is not there. It also means being totally honest with your partner about just how terrified you are. He may need to make some adjuctments to help you through this.


Keep us posted.

[mommyof3]

Karen I have been worried about you all day and just now was able to get online. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!! You did it. You should be proud of yourself. Don't you feel good about how well you took care of your little guy?


Did you get to see the dr.? Did you take your little boy in? If your baby is sniffling and such he may have the same thing and not necessarily a sv*. Little kids v* so much more easily than adults. My daughter V*'s when she has a cold!


Anyway, post back and let us know how your appointment went. Be assertive with your doctors about getting treatment for yourself. Just keep reminding yourself that you are doing this for your kids.


Hugs!!!!

[kel12347]

Great job, Pookey! This is a huge triumph for you!

[bexcelica]

thats sooooo good you stayed . we're all so proud

[shiva]

How was your day? How is everything going?

[rileyl]

Something else just occurred to me - you might have some post-partum stuff going on. You did just give birth 12 weeks ago. My phobia was definitely worse right after the birth of my second child. The hormones might be making it even worse for you than usual.

[jennyleigh1975]

I havent posted til now, but I have been reading and checking up on you. I am so glad that you stayed, that is such a victory. Im glad you were able to get in with a doctor today too. I was thinking the same thing as rileyl, maybe part of the reason you havent been dealing well, is because you did have a baby 12 weeks ago.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing!!!!

[murphy]

WAY TO GO. WE ALL KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!!!!!!!


Murphy[img]smileys/smilies_04.gif[/img]

[wing]

I'm so glad you did not leave. Relieved beyond anything. You did get through this even if he did not get sick. Use this as strength. You're strong believe that =]. Take care. =]

[2jo2]

I am so proud of you!! You stayed, this is the first step. I feel your fear and your frustration in the pit of my soul like it is my own, and I can so relate to that feeling like leaving is your only option, but someone already said, that leaving would just be a temporary relief, and that is exactly on point. I hope that the doctor can give you help before Friday, because you sincerely need it sooner. I'll be thinking of you. Your story has really touched me, I hope for the best for you and your family. Hang in there.