Very OT: Social Anxiety, Interview Anxiety, Feeling Lost

[alesh31]

Hi everyone,

This has nothing to do with v*ing but I needed a place to vent, and to possibly get feedback or comfort. I'm twenty-one years old, about to graduate from college, and like most soon-to-be grads, I have no freakin idea what I'm doing with my life. I have a vague idea of the direction I want to go, but my social anxiety has been severely holding me back. I've been in college for four years now, I've made friends, got a job tutoring on campus, occasionally go out on the weekends, participate in group discussions in class. But lately, and I think it's the anxiety of everything coming to an end, I haven't been able to interact with people the way I'd like. This sounds strange but I'll explain. I've always had social anxiety--in high school I always deemed myself "awkward" and I only had about three friends. College helped with my anxiety a lot as I was forced to make friends with the people in my dorm and I was constantly in social atmospheres. But as college progressed and I moved off campus, I saw less and less of my friends and now I can't even describe my anxiety. When I see someone on campus my heart starts pounding just at the idea of saying hi and possibly having a three second conversation. I'm having the worst interviewing anxiety (I have two interviews coming up) and I really don't know what to do about it. I had a Sykpe interview today and I don't think I did well AT ALL. I get so nervous and can't say all I wanted to say, or say it in the way I wanted to say it. I know interview anxiety is so normal, but I just can't see how I'm going to be successful if I can't do it successfully. I have run out of ideas of ways to cope. I'm constantly thinking about my future and it's really the scariest thing in the world.

Does anyone else have social anxiety and how do you cope? I've been using coffee as a way of being social--that sounds weird but it's literally been a drug for me lately. But I know that's a bad thing too, because coffee makes you even more anxious. I just don't know what to do, I wake up so sad every morning, I have this deep feeling of impending doom, like nothing will work out for me or I won't land a job. I need to know where my social anxiety stems from. I'm extremely insecure and it gets in the way of everything. I'm losing motivation to do my school work, I'm afraid I'll fall behind (this may be senioritis though).

And the Skype interview was for a 5-month program volunteering in Israel--it's something that I feel will really break me out of my shell, but at the same time I'm so worried I won't like it, or I'll be severely homesick.

I just hate that everything is so up in the air, and I am not doing a great job of expressing my feelings. My brain is in knots and I don't know how to cope. If you made it this far, thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. I needed to spew out all my thoughts somewhere, and I've been having a hard time vocalizing them to friends. Thanks.

[rakastan]

I'm sorry nobody else has responded. I've found just jumping into the deep end is the way to go. I can feel incredibly uncomfortable at social gatherings or meetings, but nobody has ever guessed, based on feedback I've received. Also, I had a huge fear of public speaking. So I took a public speaking class, which helped a bit. And after law school, I intentionally took cases that required me to go to court. Now speaking in front of a packed courtroom is second nature. Once in a while I still get scared, but I manage quite easily. You really just have to "fake it til you make it". Major life changes are never easy, and being scared is totally normal. After all is said and done, you'll be surprised at how easy it really was. Though you will miss summer vacations for quite a few years!

[mdgirl1977]

I'm going to write you a long response when I get home because I am my sons therapy appt but let me say this - I was you 15 years ago to the letter. I will tell you this - I turned out great at work. still ackward around friends but I learned how to interview like a rock star and I will share my tricks with you. typing on my tiny phone is hard....

also , fellow Israeli here!!!

[alesh31]

Thanks for these responses, they really do bring me relief. I've been feeling like with the Israel thing, that's really what I need to do--just jump into the deep end. I'm never going to know how that turned out for me unless I just DO it...it's so easy for me to just say forget it, I'll find something to do at home, but I am so curious as to what the program can do for me as a person--the problem is when I think about it, I already get homesick!!

And mdgirl1977, you don't know how much that means to me--I love when people tell me they were in my shoes, it's the most comforting thing to hear, especially the fact that you came out of it and can interview and have a job and everything. I'm looking forward to your interview tips, thanks so much!!!!!

[mdgirl1977]

Hi again! Sorry for the delay in writing you a long response. At work seems like the perfect time

So growing up we moved a lot. I went to something like 13 different schools all over the east coast of the US and Israel. I lived overseas for 6 months here, a year there. It was tough but it made me learn how to make friends, even superficially. You are leaving school after 4 years of a nice comfy existence and that is scary, but it is also an amazing opportunity to reinvent youself. When I turned 18 I decided to bite the bullet and move to DC on my own. I knew no one, had no place and no job and no money. I found an apartment and a job and got into college. I remade who I was. In HS I was the nerdy girl who read Stephen King books and knit. When I moved to DC I wore black clothes and sexy makeup and worked at clubs. It was great! You should look at going to Israel (or just getting out into the world) as the same chance - to look at yourself and figure out who you want to be, to new people. It is a rare chance to do that and I am jealous. Do not be afraid to go to Israel. I lived there 7 times growing up and it is such a welcoming and friendly place. Everyone is your cousin or friend or something. I swear, you will never be in a more welcoming, happy, lovely country. There is always something to do, see, eat.

About interviewing specifically:

1. So first I research the company so I know who they hire, what they are about. I write down a few questions to ask (ie, what is a typical day like in this job, what are opportunities for growth, why did the last person leave). That shows interest.

2. Also, even if you are crazy nervous, try to imagine a string coming out of the top of your head that is pulling your head up, your shoulders back. Smile. Learn how to do a solid handshake. Look at your face in the mirror and force yourself to make eye contact.

3. If you are nervous, it is ok to tell the interviewer but say it like "I was looking forward to this interview for days so I apologize in advance if I am a bit nervous"...that breaks the ice and shows not only that you are excited but also that you are human.

4. Dress for the interview. if it is a corporate job, think navy/grey/black suit. Pantsuits are fine but make sure they fit. Most of my suits come from goodwill, but they fit great. Nice shoes and purse too. No backpacks or scuffed up heels. Even skype interviews should be dressy, but a blazer is not required. A blouse and cardigan are fine. Artsy fields you can be more liberal, but still stay away from jeans/khakis/t's. Grooming is also key. No crazy makeup or hair. Low pony, not high. Tasteful studs or small hoop earrings. No glossy lips or crazy lined eyes. Hide visible tattoos. No strong perfume.

5. Always bring extra copies of your resume in a folder. Offer them at the start. Ask if you can take notes, it shows interest.

6. Don't talk over the interviewer. I do this and it is hard to stop yourself when you are eager. Let them get out the question but nod along as you are listening.

7. Finally, always end the interview with thanking them and letting them know verbally how excited you are in the position and hope to hear from them about next steps. Send a follow up thank you email/note within the day.

Be confident in yourself. Don't be afraid to talk about how awesome you are. Think of yourself as your own marketing department and you are the product. Sell yourself!

I hope that helps Most of my jobs were out of my league but I got them because I faked confidence. Currently I am the director of adminsitration, head of HR and head of accounting at a large company but I can't even balance my own checkbook!

[regina]

If you can, do a practice interview with a friend. The questions probably won't be exactly the same but it will help you with formulating answers a little bit easier.

[WoofGirl]

You sound just like me!!! I have Depersonalization, so I always feel like everything's a dream or unreal and I think that's where a lot of mine comes from. I'm totally fine with friends and I can go out and be loud and have a good time, but in situations that I'm not with my friends, even if it's like checking out at a store, I get so nervous. I'm 19 and just want a job already

[alesh31]

thanks for all the responses!!

sorry I didn't respond earlier mdgirl, I really, really appreciate you taking the time to type out those tips for me. I have an interview later today, I just CAN'T wait to get it over with. I hope it goes OK, I can't help thinking I'm going to forget everything I want to say or touch upon. Hoping it goes fast...

[lee007]

Hi everyone,

This has nothing to do with v*ing but I needed a place to vent, and to possibly get feedback or comfort. I'm twenty-one years old, about to graduate from college, and like most soon-to-be grads, I have no freakin idea what I'm doing with my life. I have a vague idea of the direction I want to go, but my social anxiety has been severely holding me back. I've been in college for four years now, I've made friends, got a job tutoring on campus, occasionally go out on the weekends, participate in group discussions in class. But lately, and I think it's the anxiety of everything coming to an end, I haven't been able to interact with people the way I'd like. This sounds strange but I'll explain. I've always had social anxiety--in high school I always deemed myself "awkward" and I only had about three friends. College helped with my anxiety a lot as I was forced to make friends with the people in my dorm and I was constantly in social atmospheres. But as college progressed and I moved off campus, I saw less and less of my friends and now I can't even describe my anxiety. When I see someone on campus my heart starts pounding just at the idea of saying hi and possibly having a three second conversation. I'm having the worst interviewing anxiety (I have two interviews coming up) and I really don't know what to do about it. I had a Sykpe interview today and I don't think I did well AT ALL. I get so nervous and can't say all I wanted to say, or say it in the way I wanted to say it. I know interview anxiety is so normal, but I just can't see how I'm going to be successful if I can't do it successfully. I have run out of ideas of ways to cope. I'm constantly thinking about my future and it's really the scariest thing in the world.

Does anyone else have social anxiety and how do you cope? I've been using coffee as a way of being social--that sounds weird but it's literally been a drug for me lately. But I know that's a bad thing too, because coffee makes you even more anxious. I just don't know what to do, I wake up so sad every morning, I have this deep feeling of impending doom, like nothing will work out for me or I won't land a job. I need to know where my social anxiety stems from. I'm extremely insecure and it gets in the way of everything. I'm losing motivation to do my school work, I'm afraid I'll fall behind (this may be senioritis though).

And the Skype interview was for a 5-month program volunteering in Israel--it's something that I feel will really break me out of my shell, but at the same time I'm so worried I won't like it, or I'll be severely homesick.

I just hate that everything is so up in the air, and I am not doing a great job of expressing my feelings. My brain is in knots and I don't know how to cope. If you made it this far, thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. I needed to spew out all my thoughts somewhere, and I've been having a hard time vocalizing them to friends. Thanks.

Hi Alesh, I think you are in a lot of stress lately. I think you should focus more on the positive side of things rather than on negative ones. They just mess with your head. A lot of people who have social anxiety deals with this kind of emotional strain.