please help me - in the middle of a panic attack

[ilana620]

Hi All,

I've been doing CBT for my phobia for a few months and it's been going well. But I've been stepping it up lately (intentionally making myself gag and swallowing large pills) and I'm now in the middle of a major phobic reaction. My heart is beating fast and my hands are freezing and I feel quesy.

Part of me just wants to v* and get it over with, but of course the other part of me is terrified. Any words of encouragement would be much appreciated.

[mhartse]

Hey, how are you feeling now? Any better.... good for you for stepping it up and tackling this beast.

[Syrup]

You're doing awesome!!!! How are you now?

[ilana620]

It's subsiding a little. Thanks, Michelle.

I know that with CBT, I'm just supposed to "stay with it" and not do any of my old avoidance techniques, like drink hot water, eat ginger, or take an anti-emetic. But I admit that I needed a distraction and watched some tv to help me calm down. Not ideal, but it is what it is. Clearly, I'm not over the beast yet. Really sucks.

[mhartse]

I could never blame anyone for acting how they act during a panic attack. .... because its just that, an attack of panic! We all handle it different... When different situations come up its new and hard to handle. Im not over it at all either, so no worries.

[ilana620]

Thanks, Syrup. It's a lot better now.

Of course, I'm still scared about my next exposure session tonight. I have to brush my tongue with a toothbrush to stimulate my gag reflex at least twice. Fun times!

For what it's worth, the CBT is definitely working. It's just really, really hard sometimes.

[AoD]

Ok, I'm never going to do CBT if it means having to make yourself gag or v* on purpose. You're very brave going through that type of treatment.

[ilana620]

Michelle: I appreciate your kind words and support. What's difficult is that even in the midst of the panic, I feel great conflict over when I know I should do and what I want to do. What I should do is stay with it, feel what I'm feeling, teach my brain and my body that I'm okay. What I want to do is take a sleeping pill to help me mentally escape and then hide out at home to physically escape.

AoD: Thank you for commenting on my bravery. I didn't feel so brave yesterday. I try to remind myself that we're not all one attribute or another. I'm not brave. I'm not cowardly. I have moments of both all day, everyday. We all do.

And I want to be very clear that CBT does NOT mean that you have to make yourself gag or v* on purpose. The activities I'm doing are one that I've worked closely with my therapist to come up with. We started the process about six months ago with very small steps. Think of it like entering a freezing cold lake. You could jump in all at once and deal with the terrible shock of that. Or, you could go inch by inch, slowly acclimating as you go. The former is a lot more jarring. The latter takes longer and brings with a certain amount of anticipatory discomfort, but it has the potential to be a much more tolerable way to get in.

I've been going *very* slowly and seeing good results. Six months ago, if someone even suggested that I leave the house without my beloved Dramamine (my anti-emetic of choice), I would have said "never." Yet two months ago, I threw all of my pills away and am doing relatively well without them! Six months ago, if someone told me that I'd be a regular sushi eater, again, I would have said "never" but I'm having (raw) sushi out at a restaurant tonight (in public!).

CBT is by no means easy or fun, but it's clearly working for me. I only wish I had started it sooner.

The one thing by CBT therapist cannot offer is empathy. He doesn't know what it's like to have this phobia and that is why I am incredibly grateful for the support of this online community. You guys really helped me in my hour of need. I truly appreciate it and will look to return the favor with others in the group.

[Dairyfreelife]

Ok, I'm never going to do CBT if it means having to make yourself gag or v* on purpose. You're very brave going through that type of treatment.

My CBT never has or will involve that, but it's different for everyone. I know for a fact that making myself vomit/vomiting does not have much effect on my phobia. I also gag a lot due to anxiety and throat issues, so it's not helpful. CBT is entirely individualized for what the person needs to get themselves over their fear. Right now, seeing puke is helping me. I have been watching House for example and when I know a vomit scene is coming, mute it, but watch the scene. Over and over again if I must. My biggest fear now is other people vomiting, so my therapy is entirely focused on that aspect, and not so much myself getting sick. You don't have to actually make yourself vomit to get over your phobia in most cases, but in some cases it may be for the best, may be what the person needs to get over the fear.
Point is, don't shy away from something known to be very helpful in phobia relief for fear of that happening. It is so worth it to get over this stupid fear.

[ilana620]

Thanks for the good explanation re: CBT. I think it's helpful to see the range of ways this phobia touches people and the range of treatments that all fall under CBT. I fear seeing others v* as well and watched a lot of videos on YouTube earlier in my treatment (over and over again as well). I eventually habituated to them and then moved "up the ladder" to harder work.

The treatment is indeed tough at times, but life with a phobia is worse. At least it was for me. But I lived with it for a decade before seeking help. And even once I knew help was available, I waited five years before reaching out. People need to go at their own pace.

Appreciate all the support I've gotten on this thread and am so glad this forum exists. I can't tell you how much less lonely I feel knowing all of you are out there.