I've had an intense fear of vomiting since I was about four years old, coinciding with sexual abuse by my cousin. I started reacting to all stress and anything that wasn't routine with stomach aches, and it got so bad that my mom could barely even make me go to the store with her without me getting a stomach ache and then freaking out because I thought I would throw up. I went to therapy for the abuse immediately after it happened, and then I went again for the stomach aches. The first therapy was pretty ineffective, maybe because I was so young and didn't understand what was going on. The second one was awful because the therapist wouldn't even let me talk and kept trying to treat me for what he thought was wrong with me rather than what I came to be treated for. That one only lasted for four or five sessions... but I digress. I think my fear got the worst when I started high school. I would get a stomach ache every morning, never fail, when I thought about getting on the bus. I had thrown up on the school bus once in kindergarten, but ever since then I have hated to be in cars or other places that make me feel trapped. If I had to throw up I would be forced to do it infront of everyone else and they would all think I was disgusting. I never did throw up- I got carsick occassionally, but that was always just nausea. As a result of this entrapment/vomiting fear, I would beg my mom for rides to school because I knew she would pull the car over if I had to throw up. When she refused, I would beg to stay home all together and I missed school a lot because of it. She made me go to the doctor finally, and he basically prescribed me Prevacid and told me I had acid reflux to shut me up. This gave me a tangible reason to feel ill- acid reflux meant it wasn't just in my head- and so I felt better for a little while. Then it stopped working and I started taking the Prevacid plus Rolaids all the time and they became a crutch. When I was little, my mom would give me papaya supplements because they aid digestion, but they stopped working after a while, too. It really was all in my head. The stomach aches and resultant fear of vomiting were socially crippling and I did very little I didn't have to do- I went to school and then I came back to the safe haven of home every day and that was my life. This September I moved three hours away from home for college and I knew things would have to change because I didn't want to be freaking out about my stomach and wanting to go home all the time- even if I did I wouldn't be able to go home all the time. I also knew that it was inevitable that I would get sick and actually have to vomit away from home. In addition to vomiting, I was afraid of vomiting in the presense of others and anywhere but the bathroom at my house. By some miracle, I was able to convince myself that I didn't need to freak out in each new situation and have had very few stress-induced stoamch aches since I got here. Well, this week I got a stomach virus and spent a fair deal of time vomiting in the bathroom while 200 other dorm kids mulled around outside the door. I handled it so much better than I would have if I'd have been at home in my own bathroom- I didn't freak out or fight it or try to bargain with my stomach not to throw up. I just let it come and realized that once you vomit, your stomach feels a lot better and the nausea subsides. This is a huge breakthrough for me after about 15 years of struggling with this in my mind, and I'm so proud of myself!
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