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Thread: Suicidal!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
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    889

    Default Suicidal!

    I'm having great nausea right now but I'm fighting it with whatever sanity I have left! If I had a firearm I wouldn't breathe my next breath! I hate living! Waking up knowing that sometime during the day, I'll need an anti-emetic because of this CURSE that is called life! I don't want to move because I'm afraid I might make myself vomit! That's what is preventing me from finding a knife! I hate it all! I don't care if I'm weak, pathetic or selfish! I am selfish! I want to know what it is like going a whole day without nausea! An average person gets nauseated twice a month. A MONTH! I get nauseated every day! EVERYDAY!!!!! I'm stuck in this chair, like a fucking statue, staring at my monitor screen! This is pathetic! I can't even kill myself! I have absolutely no control over my life! I just want to be normal! Either normal or dead, and dead is the more guaranteed option!

    I want to kill myself so greatly... I really do. It is selfish I know, but I really am at the end of my sanity. I would call 911 to help myself, but even then, that involves moving and if I have to move that much, I might as well kill myself!
    I don't know why I ranted here and I'm sorry if I made whoever reads this uncomfortable, but I don't know what to do anymore! I always knew that I would die by my own hands, but I don't expect it this early! If I was just a little tired, I could bate the somnolence and I could push away the anxiety! But no! Of course I have sleep disorders! Of fucking course! Actually, I am slightly weary, but when I close my eyes, my depth perception is off and that makes me more anxious! I can't take my sleep aid or acid pill for obvious reasons, so my stomach is burning! I took 18-24mgs of Ondansetron over a 2 hour timespan with minimal help! If these were Promethazine, I'd be at least semi tired!! My anxiety would at least be semi calmed!

  2. #2
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    Feb 2013
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    889

    Default Re: Suicidal!

    Seriously though!! How long should this whole thing last!? 16*-24mg in my system! I should be feeling SOME difference, yes??? All I'm feeling right now is my stomach burning greatly (like I swallowed acid) and being chilly! It's 46 degrees Fahrenheit out so there isn't much I can do to help that (since I can't fucking move!!). If my nausea would just disappear for 30 minutes. THIRTY MINUTES IS ALL I NEED! I could take my Sleep Aid (which is also an anti-emetic; mirtazapine) and my acid pill! Without the acid burn, I'd only have to worry about medium nausea and bad intestinal cramps! And even then, I could just simply get myself tired and sleep it away!!!!!

    A gun is the only anti-emetic I trust now.

  3. #3
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    Feb 2013
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    Default Re: Suicidal!

    i think i might call the ambulance. the intestinal cramps are putting me in tears with the acid pain mixed in. i cant do this anymore. i hope my family doesnt get mad at me. i wish my mom was home. shes out early and wont be back for another 4 hours. will the burning in my stomach go away if i dont take anything? will the ambulance people be nice? i genuinly dont know what to do.

  4. #4
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    Feb 2013
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    Default Re: Suicidal!

    I wish this wasnt so early in the morning so i can have somebody to talk to. i wish i wasnt cold... i just wish i can go to sleep. the burning is the worst part now. will breaking ranitidine under my tongue help? im really desperate and i don't want to destroy my tongue if it wont work but i might try it.

  5. #5
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    Feb 2013
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    889

    Default Re: Suicidal!

    I can deal with the intestinal pain in the left and right portions of my intestine, but ht is when the pain is located behind my bladder. That's when the pain is REALLY hard to manage. I can breathe in and hold my breathe for the other pains, but that one requires me not to breathe and keep my breath steady, I also only get the urge to pass gas when that part of my intestine hurt, and I kinda have the need to use the bathrom. Standing and walking to the bathroom WILL make me vomit. I cannot take that risk.

  6. #6
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    Feb 2013
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    Default Re: Suicidal!

    I think I randomly fell asleep for about 20-40 minutes. I awoke and the nausea is gone but the intestine pain isn't. I have to go to the bathroom. Hopefully I don't get nauseated.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
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    wyoming
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    Default Re: Suicidal!

    <3 I just want to give you a big hug. Keep fighting the fight!
    If you try and tell me a phobia is unreal. I dare you to live a day, and feel what I have to feel.


    - michelle




    Check out my daily blog
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    for stories, poems, and all sorts of stuff related to my emetophobia.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Sweden
    Posts
    635

    Default Re: Suicidal!

    Big hugs. You really should see someone about this, if it makes you suicidal! Please seek help at a doctors, the a&e, anywhere. Being suicidal is serious, being suicidal cos of a phobia is probably a little worse!
    Jon Miazma Watsky forever <3

  9. #9
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    Feb 2013
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    Dunedin, NZ
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    Default Re: Suicidal!

    Hey hon. I truly think it's time to call an emergency line, whether it's a suicide hot line or the ambulance. I know it is scary, but it is way less scary than the alternative. If you can make it through to morning, then maybe you could call a psych service and get some feedback there?
    Some people are so poor, all they have is money.

    Facebook Donna Mutch

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
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    889

    Default Re: Suicidal!

    I didn't go to sleep until 12pm est. I woke up and I still am sick. It isn't as bad as yesterday, but I have diarrhea and my stomach is still /really/ nauseated and burning. I didn't take my mirtazapine yesterday so I really hope it doesn't get as bad as it did yesterday thanks to missing a dose. I didn't drink or eat anything so if I vomit it is gonna suck! I had 2 whole packets of Ondansetron before this began, and now I have 2 pills left. 2 of them. I don't think I'm taking these pills correctly because they don't work. When I get an IV at the doctors, that seems to help the nausea, so I don't know why the dissoluble one doesn't. I still have some tears in my eyes but I'm holding them back because if I start crying I'll get into that mindset again. These 2 pills have to last me until Friday which isn't going to work. I just hate it. I told my mother that I'd call the ambulance if it got that bad again but she seemed distant, as if she knew the sickness would pass. She is right but she doesn't know much about my suicidal ideations or thoughts so I won't blame her. Being sick is horrible and worse when you're afraid of something so stupid. I'm shaking not because I'm cold, but because I'm sick.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
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    6,995

    Default Re: Suicidal!

    honey I want you to do me a favor and call the suicide hotline right now. I'm worried. I wish I had logged in earlier and see your posts. it gets better.

  12. #12

    Default Re: Suicidal!

    Please please call the hotline... However bad it is it WILL get better. Trust me, I've been in your place before and it is much better now. Keep fighting but don't do it alone. Get help now! We're worried about you...

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
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    1,326

    Default Re: Suicidal!

    Please call someone!!!!! I will be praying over you!

  14. #14
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    Jun 2014
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    NYC
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    270

    Default Re: Suicidal!

    i am so very sad reading this because i have been there but honestly what helps me the most is a realization that i got from reading thrive. my anxiety is not something that is happening TO me, it is something I am creating. you can change your path, it's not easy but there is hope. i hope you are doing a little better now!
    “A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.”

  15. #15
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    Feb 2013
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    California
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    Default Re: Suicidal!

    Hi, I hope you are doing better since you posted this. Just wanted to say that taking that much ondansetron can have the opposite affect intended, it can make you feel more sick! Trust me, I've taken so so much at one time and the doctor told me too much can make you more nauseous than you were to start with! Especially 16mg. I take that much sometimes and I end up feeling so awful for days afterwards.

  16. #16

    Default Re: Suicidal!

    Do you know why you are nauseous every day? I was just wondering, because depending on what is causing this, there may be a specific treatment. Forgive me if I'm overstepping a boundary, because I don't mean to.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
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    889

    Default Re: Suicidal!

    Thank you for the responses, I appreciate it. While I did go to the doctors I didn't tell them about this (yes I know it is stupid, like really stupid not to). It was a Bowel Obstruction apparently and it resolved itself thanks to whatever they put in my IV (which wasn't exactly "pleasent."). I've IBS-C so it was a mix of a flare up and my sleep/anti-emetic use. They gave me a prescription for generic stool softener and told me that I should use them immediately. They gave me a lot of fluids but sounded off put with the 20+ mg of ondansetron (afterwhich prescribed me them). Using them would end up being counter beneficial since I'd probably end up taking an Ondansetron to avoid nausea or vomiting which can be associated with gel capsules.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
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    1,326

    Default Re: Suicidal!

    Glad you are doing better!!!!

 

 

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