I'm having great nausea right now but I'm fighting it with whatever sanity I have left! If I had a firearm I wouldn't breathe my next breath! I hate living! Waking up knowing that sometime during the day, I'll need an anti-emetic because of this CURSE that is called life! I don't want to move because I'm afraid I might make myself vomit! That's what is preventing me from finding a knife! I hate it all! I don't care if I'm weak, pathetic or selfish! I am selfish! I want to know what it is like going a whole day without nausea! An average person gets nauseated twice a month. A MONTH! I get nauseated every day! EVERYDAY!!!!! I'm stuck in this chair, like a fucking statue, staring at my monitor screen! This is pathetic! I can't even kill myself! I have absolutely no control over my life! I just want to be normal! Either normal or dead, and dead is the more guaranteed option!
I want to kill myself so greatly... I really do. It is selfish I know, but I really am at the end of my sanity. I would call 911 to help myself, but even then, that involves moving and if I have to move that much, I might as well kill myself!
I don't know why I ranted here and I'm sorry if I made whoever reads this uncomfortable, but I don't know what to do anymore! I always knew that I would die by my own hands, but I don't expect it this early! If I was just a little tired, I could bate the somnolence and I could push away the anxiety! But no! Of course I have sleep disorders! Of fucking course! Actually, I am slightly weary, but when I close my eyes, my depth perception is off and that makes me more anxious! I can't take my sleep aid or acid pill for obvious reasons, so my stomach is burning! I took 18-24mgs of Ondansetron over a 2 hour timespan with minimal help! If these were Promethazine, I'd be at least semi tired!! My anxiety would at least be semi calmed!