huge mood swings in emetophobic partner

[richard.s]

The absolute love of my life (who is 34 years old- let's call her Jill) has severe emetophobia- every day convinced she is going to be sick, food limitation and avoidance and so forth. I have researched the phobia quite a lot in an attempt to understand as much as I can and I feel I am very supportive of her.
However, this is a relatively new relationship- our very close friendship grew over a couple of years, but our 'getting together' has been very complicated (both of us left long term relationships) and arose over the past 9 months. Throughout those past 9 months Jill has veered wildly in her moods- from expressing her undying love for me, spending nights together regularly (we don't live together), planning a happy future etc, to the other extreme of saying she is no good for me, we shouldn't be together, she isn't sure etc. When this happens,I support her, say I understand and say that she needs time and that I will be there for her- which she always appreciates.
The mood swings can happen literally within minutes sometimes. I have come to suspect that they coincide with bad emetophobic times.
Jill makes me so happy and I love her so much. The mood swings are taking their toll on me. Just at the moment it's so hard as we are meant to be going to Paris together on 2nd January for 3 nights. This was booked a while ago in an 'up moment'. Jill has been looking forward to it until a couple of weeks ago. Now she is in a big down mood and is saying she shouldn't come etc. I know she is really worried about her emetophobia- having to eat out, potentially not able to find safe foods to eat, different water.
My question? Does emetophobia often come with such extreme mood swings? Last night I am sure her down mood kicked in because we were both going to have a packet of crisps (chips in the USA) but I ended up forgetting to eat mine and this freaked her out as she then thought as she'd had more to eat than me then that would be bad. It was after that she started getting down about Paris.
I really need help- any light that can be shone on this for me would be hugely appreciated. And, indeed, anything I can do to help her. Thanks.

[mmilden]

Everything you are saying sounds pretty typical to me. I have many of those same concerns and also suffer from OCD, so I have many rituals as well. It sounds like Jill may have OCD as well, although it may be obsession-only (called "pure O") if she does not have any rituals related to her fears. If she is seeing a therapist, I would highly suggest you attend a session with her, and get feedback from a profession. There is a fine line between supporting someone with fears/obsessions and playing into them, which can actually increase there severity. When Jill is telling you how she feels and expressing her desire to do these things with you, it probably isn't just because she is in a good mood and feeling happy- I'm sure she genuinely feels these things. It's just that when we emets get in "low phase" or begin obsessing about a particular fear or scenario, it is all-consuming and leaves room for nothing else. Things that we desire or previously enjoyed can feel meaningless in the face of our fears. It isn't so much of a mood swing, as it is her emotions being triggered by something fearful or an obsessive thought. You can have conversations with her to help figure out what those triggers might be. That has been helpful to me and my husband.
As far as your trip goes, plan plan plan. Plan restaurants that will be "safe" to eat at, plan to bring cleaning products that she could use to disinfect your hotel room if she needs to, plan to have down time where she can "decompress" if things get stressful or overwhelming. Plan to pack bottled waters and safe snacks. Talk with her about what you can do ahead of time to make things comfortable for her. After that, talk about the scenarios that she is worried about, and talk through the "worst case scenario". Sometimes rationalizing a scenario can make it more manageable.
You are being very supportive, and she is blessed to have someone who cares so much about her. I hope you are able to build a happy and strong relationship together, and enjoy your time in Paris!

[richard.s]

Dear mmilden thank you so much for this considered and informative reply. Very helpful and gave me a much needed boost. x

[pogopig]

Hi Richard. Your partner is lucky to have you. One thing to keep in mind is that this is a phobia that there's no escape from. I can never escape from my own stomach and the terror that one day I will be sick. With just about every other phobia you can at least take a break. The constant fear is exhausting and makes me moody, upset and sometimes furious. I also think about leaving my boyfriend every day as relationships are really hard for me to deal with.

All you can do is carry on supporting your partner. Get her to talk to you when she's in a relatively calm and good mood and ask her how you can help her. Has she ever had any professional help? Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can be helpful for phobias. It's helped me a bit, although there's still a long way to go.

[richard.s]

Hi Richard. Your partner is lucky to have you. One thing to keep in mind is that this is a phobia that there's no escape from. I can never escape from my own stomach and the terror that one day I will be sick. With just about every other phobia you can at least take a break. The constant fear is exhausting and makes me moody, upset and sometimes furious. I also think about leaving my boyfriend every day as relationships are really hard for me to deal with.

All you can do is carry on supporting your partner. Get her to talk to you when she's in a relatively calm and good mood and ask her how you can help her. Has she ever had any professional help? Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can be helpful for phobias. It's helped me a bit, although there's still a long way to go.

Thanks pogopig- also a very informative reply, much appreciated. It is particularly interesting (though I wish you could escape from it, of course) what you say about relationships. Jill has enormous peaks and troughs- sometimes she loves being with me, at others she says she is no good for me and we will never be together (it was only 10 months ago we left our previous long term relationships, though our friendship developed over a couple of years). Her current state of mind is that she has lost her feelings for me (which have been incredible and profound)- yet she still wants me around. 50/50 whether she'll come to Paris with me (tomorrow morning!)- but the main point is that I feel (genuinely) that her feelings for me are buried under a mound of self loathing, perhaps exacerbated by the worry of getting on a plane, eating unsafe food etc.

It would be very informative to me to know (if it's possible to answer) why relationships are hard to deal with and why (presumably) you feel a need to reject your boyfriend daily?

Many thanks

[richard.s]

By the way, she fears professional help as it might mean confronting and possibly removing what she sometimes has referred to as 'her old friend' (ie the ' security' as I understand it, of having these emetophobic feelings. This has been a real eye-opener for me- I really wish you all well, as I can see how all-pervading this phobia is.

[Rls1994]

Hi Richard and thank you for being such a supportive boyfriend! You are absolutely lovely. I get the same problems as your girlfriend and I thought I had just anger issues but I was told that fear leads to anger. I think she's angry with herself because she hates the way she is with this phobia. I am the same. I hate myself because I allowed myself to develop this horrid, HORRD phobia. I keep pushing people that like me away because I think me complaining about my emetophobia all the time is pathetic. (I am only speaking for myself here, not every other emetophobe). I think she's doing the same - pushing you away because she doesn't want you to suffer along with her. All you can do is keep supporting her and letting her know that you love her for who she is, phobia or no phobia, she is still the same person inside.

Have you tried getting her some help?

[richard.s]

Well, I am learning something about emetophobics Rls! All the replies have been considered, open and beautifully phrased, and all from people who sound lovely- like my lovely friend Jill! Thanks. Rls- that has been my approach. It is so hard to be rejected- to be told that her feelings have gone. Jill has often apologised to me saying I'm sorry I keep pushing you away. I tell her she hasn't pushed me anywhere and that I will stand by her whatever she says to me.

You give me hope. Thank you. Wish I could do the same for you!

[richard.s]

I will say this- I do not consider Jill or you to be pathetic. On the contrary, to live with these feelings every day is a titanic struggle. In my view, it is something to be understood and to deal with sensitively and supportively.

[richard.s]

I would also be interested- with reference to mmilden's reply- in any suggestions for how to support Jill without playing into her fears. I'm sure that's a huge question!

[EimsieG]

Jill really is lucky to have you! i'm fortunate enough to also have a supportive boyfriend who's been a big help! he'll always listen and give me a hug if i'm upset or worrying, but at the same time he talks me out of doing things that'll set me back, even if they make me feel better. For example, for a few months I couldn't travel on the bus because i was terrified of being sick in public. He talked me into getting the bus with him, short journeys at first, and would talk to me constantly for the whole journey (mostly about nonsense) to keep me distracted until i eventually got used to going on the bus with him. We did this for a while, over time he had to distract me less and less, and now I can get the bus without any worrying! The same goes for flying! Or another example is the other night I was staying in his house and he had an upset tummy, so my first instinct was to go home, but he promised me he was fine and talked me into staying. Even though i was nervous, I felt better about it the next day, because I know if that happens again I'll be able for it! That said, he'd never pressure me into doing something if i'm really nervous! So rather than playing into her fears help her face them. But I can't stress enough that facing fears needs to be in baby steps! It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job, as pogopig said it is a phobia that is difficult to get away from, and so it can be difficult to support. But I've come along a HUGE way over the last year or so, and my boyfriend has definitely played a big part. Thank you for looking after her!

[mmilden]

Jill really is lucky to have you! i'm fortunate enough to also have a supportive boyfriend who's been a big help! he'll always listen and give me a hug if i'm upset or worrying, but at the same time he talks me out of doing things that'll set me back, even if they make me feel better. For example, for a few months I couldn't travel on the bus because i was terrified of being sick in public. He talked me into getting the bus with him, short journeys at first, and would talk to me constantly for the whole journey (mostly about nonsense) to keep me distracted until i eventually got used to going on the bus with him. We did this for a while, over time he had to distract me less and less, and now I can get the bus without any worrying! The same goes for flying! Or another example is the other night I was staying in his house and he had an upset tummy, so my first instinct was to go home, but he promised me he was fine and talked me into staying. Even though i was nervous, I felt better about it the next day, because I know if that happens again I'll be able for it! That said, he'd never pressure me into doing something if i'm really nervous! So rather than playing into her fears help her face them. But I can't stress enough that facing fears needs to be in baby steps! It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job, as pogopig said it is a phobia that is difficult to get away from, and so it can be difficult to support. But I've come along a HUGE way over the last year or so, and my boyfriend has definitely played a big part. Thank you for looking after her!

^great advice. I had the same problem with being terrified of being sick in public, and it was my husband that became my "safe person" to talk me down when I started to get irrational. A lot of the time that's all it is- talking. Our minds become to incredibly irrational when faced with what we are most frightened off, that having a rational dialogue with another person can really help to deflate the anxiety. Keeping stressful scenarios bottled up seems to compound them (in fact, my therapist told me that ).
A note on your relationship- it sounds like Jill is having a lot of anger and frustration, and much of it is likely self-directed. It can be very difficult to share your life with another person when you have emetophobia, because it feels like you are always subjecting them to something unfair. Like, why should my husband have to deal with my craziness, my fears, my compulsions? It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that he knew all if these things about me, ugly though they were, and loved me despite them. Perhaps Jill is in a similar place right now. She may feel like she is forcing you to shoulder her burden, and it can be quite guilt inducing.

[richard.s]

Thanks Eimsie and mmilden again- good advice. Well, here we go off to Paris, with Jill saying last night she doesn't love me and doesn't want to come, and this morning calling me (feared the worst) to say, in fact, 'fancy a trip to Paris today?' Thanks for your support, fingers crossed.

[pogopig]

In answer to your questions Richard. My phobia has been so bad that I was too terrified to have ANY relationship until I was 25. That lasted one week as I was too disgusted and scared about kissing. I felt contaminated and at risk from all the mouth germs. I was too ashamed to talk about it so I dumped him.

I didn't have another relationship until I was 34. It's only possible because he knows about my problem. I still hate kissing and feel at risk all the time. I'm constantly looking at him to see if he looks pale. Every time he goes in the bathroom I get massive anxiety. If he gets ill I think I'll have to leave. I love him but every day I think it's just not worth the stress. I frequently think that he deserves someone more 'normal'.

I understand your partner's fears about getting help. It took me 23 years before I spoke to my doctor, as I felt far too ashamed. I wish so much that I'd got help sooner. I firmly believe that the longer you suffer the harder it is to overcome.

[stefaniad]

I don't know if anyone else already told you something similar but I will give you my oppinion: I am an emetophobe myself and I really did all this cancelling plans or avoiding people, and I mean people I care a lot about. My main reason was that, besides beeing afraid, I felt like my phobia would be a burden for them and I would not want to ruin all their fun or oblige them to look after me. My point is she might be pushing you away becausee she loves you and doesn't want you to miss anything or to feel forced to look after her, postponing yourself.

[richard.s]

Thanks again Pogo and also Stefania- again very elucidating indeed, I am learning so much from you all.

Back from Paris. Had a lovely time thank you. Jill was brilliant at confronting fears- the plane, eating out, not being surrounded by her things (even had chocolat chaud and croissants for breakfast all three mornings- unheard of). In fact I was the one who bottled out of something- failed to go up the Eiffel Tower due to fear of the height- something for ME to work on!. At the time of writing it seems to have done a power of good, though I am still a little trepidatious that now we are back in our (small and 'everybody knows your business') home town that she may return again to the dark place she says she inhabited before we went away. For now the possibility of us 'being together' is at least back on the agenda, and this is enough for me for now, I will continue with the support and love, buoyed along by all your comments and help.

[crd08]

I know at times my emet is really bad I have zero self confidence. I think about how much of a burden I am, how crazy I am, how much I think I will hold someone back from really living life.
I broke up with my last boyfriend because he loved kids. He wanted nothing more than to have a family, and that included kids. Me, I don't know if I will ever have kids (granted, even without emet I am unsure about kids). My current boyfriend doesn't want kids, but I still fear I'm a burden. Nobody should have to put up with me and my crazy ways except me. I often think I am much better off alone, and I know many of us get that way at times.
I often wonder if I could deal with being with an emet if the roles were reversed. She's lucky to have met someone who sees past her phobia, best of luck to you and her

[richard.s]

Thanks crd. As I said in an earlier post, I very much believe that there is an inner strength in people who live with these things day in day out. I suffered badly from depression some years ago so I guess I have a little insight into the depths and the despondency and feelings of worthlessness into which one can sink. I hope that you can get past feeling like you are a burden. Everyone is crazy in their own way, it's a crazy world! You, and all other people who have posted replies to my post, have certainly not been a burden to me, you have been generous in sharing your thoughts and advice. Thank you.

[richard.s]

Hello all again. Since returning from Paris, things have been going generally well. Seeing a lot of Jill, having some lovely times, she seemed to have turned a corner. Very positive thoughts about the future, and our (slightly complicated) personal lives seemed to be smoothing out. But last night she was crying as she went to sleep, feeling sad (this is partly to do with our respective relationship break-ups nearly a year ago), and feeling very anxious and ill. I have a feeling I need to give her some space. May I ask you- hope you don't mind- is this something endemic to the emetophobic issues- perhaps a feeling of wanting to back off when things seem to be going ok or getting more 'together'?

[richard.s]

Dear All. I am in despair and hope you don't mind me turning to this excellent forum again.
Apart from the one time mentioned in my last post, Jill and I had a wonderful January and half of February- really wonderful. Jill very positive about the future, even talking about how often she thinks about moving into my flat and what we'd need to do with it. Then, suddenly she crashed badly and since then she has been back to saying how she feels like a bad person for leaving her husband a year ago, how she doesn't think we should be together, she feels no joy in anything, she doesn't want people to think we're together so she's trying to avoid coupley things. Yet she wants me around. She's just pushing me away from any thoughts of a relationship proper- despite the fact that nothing has gone wrong with our relationship! I am trying to just give her space while saying I will not ever turn my back. She feels sick every day. I suspect there's some depression in there as well. Trying to suggest-gently- she gets some help. I just know that if she really could remember the happiness we've shared, she would think differently. Any thoughts or advice gratefully received. Thank you.

[Hello_there]

Hi, Richard. First off let me say that you're a wonderful person and it is so great how patient and understanding you are with Jill.

In response to your last post, yes it does sound like Jill could have some depression issues. Often people with anxiety disorders have depression, and you should urge her to discuss with her doctor how she's feeling. You can just say something about how you're concerned that she's been feeling badly lately and does she want to talk about it. Maybe she will tell you more of what she's really thinking, but even if she doesn't want to open up right now then you can ask her to please talk to her doctor because you hate seeing her in a bad place. You should stress how it is only out of concern for her and not wanting her to "fix her problems" like there's something wrong with her, just so she can't take your concern the wrong way which I think might be easy to do when she's feeling bad about herself if you don't say it explicitly.