OT -- Affected by Loved One’s Passing

[californiagirl]

I am curious.....you all seem to be such great people. I'd like your views on this--My mom, was diabetic for quite some time, then stubbed her toe, got a major infection from it, ended up in the ER one day, and never walked out of the hospital. That was in April of 2001. Within one month, she endured spinal meningitis which was also detected in her brain, and somehow became quadriplegic. She had no brain damage from the meningitis, thank God, but was very sick, almost died. Well, for the next 3 years or so, she got COPD, had digestion problems and lots of bad days. She eventually regained the use of her arms/hands and was ale to feed herself, and most days had a great sense of humor, it was like having my mom back, only she was in a nursing home the whole time. Well, eventually her kidneys failed, and dialysis was no longer working. She got progressively worse over a month, and told the nurse one day, "I'm gonna die today". That night, my sisters, aunt and I were all there, and we just knew the end was very close. On January 23, 2004, 3 days before my birthday, I watched my mom take her last breaths. So, on that day, I lost my mom who was also my very best friend. She was only 54!! This Thanksgiving this year falls right on her birthday, and I am soooooooo sad, don't know how to handle this. I am still having a very hard time accepting her death, and don't have the most sympathetic hubby in the world. Have any of you ever had a hard time with a loved one dying,,,,,and if so, how do you deal with it? Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you guys!!!!!

[kate1966]

Never lost anyone like that.....but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you......Welcome to this site and know that you will find plenty of support and good advice here. It's like a home away from home.....a place to feel safe and understood........I wish you the best over the holidays....hope that you can enjoy yourself...as well as remember your mother and the times you had together......I cannot imagine losing my mother or father.....but I can only begin to imagine your pain....Kate

[californiagirl]

Kate,


Thank you so much for the nice words. I will be dedicating the whole day (Thanksgiving) to my Mom......through pictures, funny stories, memories. I think that may help.

[babygap5]

I lost my father 3 years ago. Trying to hide your feelings will only make you feel worse, it's ok to cry. Thanksgiving is a time for being thankful for all that you have. It will be a sad day, yes, because it would have been her birthday, but, try this approach. Be thankful for all that she gave you, be thankful that she loved you so much, be thankful that you turned out to be a great person thanks to her.Your mother would be so proud that you would be remembering her like that,you mightfind some comfort in that. Continue to be strong, and remember, time will heal, the pain will ease over time.

[smaupi]

Charlene,


I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my father 10 years ago. He had been to the doc for a physical (he was a State Patrol Officer so he had to do it every year) and he called me and my sisters to tell us that the doc had told him he was as fit as a young pup. That night, after dinner, he drove to help my sister who was having car trouble and had a massive heart attack and died in his car, without even turning off the car or unbuckling his seat belt. My Mom and sister called me that night to tell me about it and I believe that I am still in shock. I miss my father so much, wish I could have just 5 more minutes with him...to hug him, smell him, just to hear his laugh or see him smile just one more time...but it is not meant to be in my lifetime.


The only advice i have for you is to not even try to forget your mom. Let yourself be sad and miss her on her birthday. Trying to supress your emotions will only make you feel worse. But after you miss her, think about all the great times you had with her, the fun birthdays you celebrated with her and be thankful that she is no longer suffering from being so sick. It will get easier with time. Eventually, you will think of her and smile more than you well up with tears.


good luck! susan

[californiagirl]

Thank you so much everyone, I am so glad I joined this forum. I feel so much better now. You all are so understanding and nice [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[aguerra29]

My mom passed away February 23, 1999. I was in a DEEP DARK Depression for several years. I saw a therapist for a while and tried to attend a mother-loss group. You absolutely have to read the Mother-Loss book. I am not at home so I don't have the author's name, but it is a must. THere is also a mother-loss workbook. Losing my mom was the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me. If it wasn't for my husband (then boyfriend)I would probably be dead. All I can say is that is will get better. It has been almost 7 years and I still miss my mom terribly, but the pain is not as bad. I have found that writing in a journal helps too. If you ever need to talk email me at [email protected]

[californiagirl]

Aguerra,


Thank you so much for the encouragement. If you could get me the author of that book, that would be great. I will look for it, it sounds like it would do me aloy of good to read it. The workbook would be great too. I wil keep your email address--I may need to talk soon.....,thank you!!!!!

[aguerra29]

The name of the book is Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. I just saw it on the internet for $11 at amazon. Or I could send you my copy. It is so good. It addresses losing your mother in any stage in your life, childhood, adolescence, early adult, adult. A coworker of my dad's whose mother had died gave it to me. Your husband needs to understand that grief can be a long process. I was not myself for a LONG time. You may want to consider going to therapy together to a grief conselor. Let your husband see that you are Normal. The tears and pain you feel are normal. I promise that eventually, you will find your way out of the pain. You will always miss your mom, especially on her birthday or holidays, but the pain will be less. I still cry about my mom, but it's okay. I don't feel the same intense grief. My husband always used to tell me "What was the ONE thing your mom wanted for you?" I would say "To be happy" and he would say "Then why are you going to honor her memory by being so sad" Of course it was easier said then done, but like my husband also used to say "If you were meant to go together, God would have taken you too"

[*mandi*]

Hi Charlene. I am very sorry about your mother passing. It is a very hard thing to deal with when a parent dies.


I lost my dad 16 years ago when I was only 8 years old. He had cancer I was so young at the time that I didnt realize what happened, and I missed him so much and just wanted him back. And even to this day at age 24 I still cant get over my dads death. We were very close. And if I even think about him I start to cry. Its hard for me to talk about him with others. I get so sad. And I think about how he had to suffer Its not an easy thing to overcome for me. I wish he was still here...I wish I coudl see him again. I dont know if I will ever get over him passing away.


My mom remarried a year after my father death. And he also died about 8 years ago. And that was hard to deal with too.

[luna33]

I am so sorry about your mom. I won't pretend to know how awful that must feel but my Mom-Mom (who I was so close to, she lived in our house and was like a mother to me) died suddenly on Nov. 11, 2001. That day is still very hard for me and I miss her every day. Of course that's nothing compared to the loss of your mom, and so recently. I am so sorry also that your husband is not as supportive as he could be.Hopefully he will be moresupportive of you, especially on Thanksgiving. But either way, you know you will get through it, and be stronger every day that passes.

[californiagirl]

Thank all of you for all the nice words!! For those of you who also suffered the loss of a parent, my heart goes out to you as well, I'm sure all of your parents' would be proud of you all.


Aguerra---how much would you like for the book, and more important, are you finished with it? If you'd like to hang onto it, I can order one from Amazon. Thank you so much for the offer, so nice of you !

[aguerra29]

I wouldn't want anything for the book. I was given it by someone who used it and was ready to pass it on. I am ready to pass it on to you. You can email me your address and I will get it in the mail to you. I know what you are going through and if reading this book will help (which I think it will) I am more than willing to help out.

[californiagirl]

Aguerra,


You are such a sweetheart!! I will email you my address, and if there's anything I can do for you in return, I'd be more than happy to. This means alot to me, thank you.

[tcsarah]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom, I totally understand what you are going through. I lost my mum to cancer when I was eighteen and she was just 39. We were so very close, she was also my best friend and we used to share everything. When she died I was totally lost, it was the cruelest thing in the world that could have happened to me. I really didn't cope at all well and tried to shut the grief out and never talked about it. I ended up really ill and on medication. It wasn't until around five years later I could even bring myself to talk about it.


My advice would be to talk about your feelings as much as possible, talk about your mom, don't bottle things up as that is the worst thing you cando.If you feel like crying, have a good cry, it's part of a healthy grieving process. The hurt does get less with time and one day will come when you will think about your mom and you won't feel hurt and empty anymore, but you with feel a great warmth as you remember all those lovely memories she has left you with. It's seventeen years ago since my mum died but I can honestly say not a day goes by where I don't think about her, but now I don't feel pain anymore but remember all the good timeslike howshe always made me feel like the best and most loved person in the world and the funny things she did and said that made me laugh so. I feel blessed to have had such a terrific mum for the time I did.


Somebody gave me a poem just after my mum died, which I found a comfort. I've included it below, I hope it brings comfort to you too.


Take care.


Tracey
<A name="Death Is Nothing At All">Death Is Nothing At All</A>
Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way that you always used. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner.


All is well.


Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918)
Canon of St. Paul’s Cathedral

[fafa]

So very sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. My father died 7 yrs ago in a car accident - I still miss him so much, there i so much I'd like to tell him and share with him. I woulddo anything just to have 5 more minutes with him, I think the only thing I can do is not to block him out and be hppy when I am reminded of him or think of him. My father is in me, everytime I look at myself in the mirror, I see his eyes, his nose, so he is still alive in me, just like your mum is still with you and will always be. My dad told me once that we should never be sad when people die because they will sense it and will feel even more sad for us. I don't want my dad to be sad for me.


Happy Thanksgiving.

[californiagirl]

FAFA and TRACEY:


Thank you---we seem to have alot of the same feelings about our parents. I will keep what you both said to heart, and thank you for the understanding.


Tracey, what a beautiful poem!!

[wing]

I'm not good with words but I'm so sorry about your mom.My mom is my best friend too and I dont know what I'd do without my mom. You're very brave. I'm only 16 but my mom is in her 50's too so its scary. *Hugs* I'm thinking of you.

[rockinred23]

California Girl-


I am currently going through a similar situation. My grandmother, who was more like my mother (mine hasn't been in the picture for years) passed away very unexpectedly this year on labor day -- she went to the ER for a chest x-ray due to bronchitis, and went into respitory arrest then cardiac arrest right on the xray table. She was only 67. She was my best friend and I spoke with her on the phone daily, so it has been extremly difficult without her. It's only been 2 1/2 months, and the pain is still very fresh, but there is one thing I do that seems to help...


I created a journal specifically for her. Every time I want to pick up the phone and call her, I grab my journal and write to her. I tell her about my day, what I've been thinking, how work is going...just like having a conversation with her -- only she can't respond. It seems to help with the pain and I think it's a good form of therapy. Sometimes, when I am too tired to write, I just sit in bed and have a one sided conversation with myself to her. That helps as well.


But everyone is different. Don't know if you have tried it or not, but it doesn't hurt to try -- who knows.


I am very sorry to hear about your loss.

[californiagirl]

Rockinred~~~~~


That is a great idea, I'm actually gonna try that. I have an old journal that I never wrote in, I will use that one. I am so sorry for your very recent loss. I know the pain can make you feel pretty lonely, so writing in a journal is an excellent idea. Thank you so much [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[SimplyMe]

I'm so sorry about your mother. Everyone has given great advice and ideas. I hope your memories help comfort you while you are feeling sad. My prayers and thoughts go out to you!


Also welcome to the site!