lost hope

[Mamafear]

Oh honey, I am sorry you're feeling defeated! My phobia started vaguely (so vaguely I didn't even realize it wasn't normal) when I was in my teens and went away (mostly ) during my 20s. Started really struggling in my late 20s after having my son and got worse again when our fourth child was one and got Noro. The three years that followed were the worst years of my life. I felt guilt for not being strong and scared all the time and then out of the blue last September, shortly after running away from the house for the night when I THOUGHT my nine year old was going to V, and knowing my youngest was about to start school (rock bottom for me), I found myself coping better than I had since before I had children. We'd just got back from holiday in Fiji, where I am at my least phobic, and I returned home expecting to pick the phobia up on the way through customs only to breeze through the following weeks feeling so much better. I have tried to figure out what happened, what I had done differently and after lots of reading and listening to other emets stories, I believe it was the fact that I was so absolutely terrified of my daughter starting school, and that I knew I had absolutely no control over what happened there, what she'd touch, whether she'd put unwashed hands in her mouth. I had absolutely no other choice than to throw my hands in the air and admit defeat, I had NO control and had to sit back and hope for the best. She made it through first term and so did I. I have, (despite thinking I was better) still got the phobia but I think that trying not to behave panicked on the outside even when I am actually panicked on the inside is helping me because for a long time, avoiding V was in my mind constantly but now I feel really panicky if it seems imminent but in between times my brain doesn't constantly obsess which has, for the first time in many years, allowed me to enjoy my life more. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have heard from others with phobias, similar stories, where just when they reach the point of despair, when they relinquished/lost control, the horizon brightens, so don't give up, please! I have bad days, and while our little girl (5) was sick for nine days with waterborne illness over Christmas I felt scared inside but pretended (to myself and to family) that I wasn't. I behaved as if it didn't bother me in the hope that my subconscious might believe me and I think I am making progress. Sorry about the novel sized reply, I hope you can find some hope in my words! Big hugs to you. xx

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thanks for the kind responses everyone. Its been a tough relapse of daily panic but today was a bit better. i feel like every day is unexpected right now so i can't really make plans or depend on how i'll feel. but just gotta take the good when it comes.

About 2.5 weeks ago i got an infection that caused Vertigo. which i've never experiecned before and it was terrifying, and that basically boosted up my anxiety and depression all over again. The vertigo isn't as constant as it was but it's still there, just thankful i can see the little differences. I'm off work because i do a physical job and being dizzy there isn't really helpful. So at least i'm able to sleep in if i experience insomnia (which is most nights lately) and i can rest through the day.

I just started a new anti depressant today so maybe in a few weeks i'll feel differently.

Sorry for the original message, i promise i'm not a flight risk. Just l