Just want to be "normal"

[ruhligv]

I am so tired of being a freak I just want to be normal! Why is it so hard? I want to live like I don't have this phobia and enjoy life but I don't know how to. Whenever I try it's an exhaustive trouble and though I try to enjoy it and pretend like I do, secretly I don't want to ever again. Like when my boyfriend and I went away for a couples night with his brother and his wife On New Years Eve. We had fun and I did really well, but I had to fight back major anxiety for at least half the time we were there. We spent the night only an hour away from home and I laid in bed that night terrified Id be sick and have to ride home feeling miserable in front of those people. I had fun socializing but by the time I got home I was so tired and exhausted I didn't want to move! I'm an intern at the hospital and every day I fight off anxiety and every day I come home and nap because I'm so tired from clenching my muscles during committee meetings and holding my breath and shaking inside all day.

I'm so tired I feel like I don't want to try new things because it's so much anxiety to work through and sometimes I'll work through it over and over every day but still have it! I'm better and more functional than I used to be, but it's just every day exhaustion.

Do you ever get that n* throat feeling but like there's mucous in the back of your throat you can't swallow down or bring up?

[Kelly.44]

I understand you completely. It was funny, I was diagnosed officially when I was 11 (i'm 24 now) and for the longest time I never enjoyed anything. I had to fake it and it would exhaust the fuck out of me. I remember pondering the last time I was actually happy, and was super sad when I realized it had been SO long. And one time, I think I was around 16 my brother told a funny story and I laughed, like nonstop hardcore laughing. And my mom looked at me and said she forgot what I sounded like when I was happy. Like it had been so long since I had laughed. And that was heartbreaking for me .

[stopthissong]

I think most of us would be able to empathize with you and many of us would have felt this way before.
Our lives can be really hard at time and incredibly stressful. I feel like everyone has something to deal with, some burden in their life. I think everyone would have thei version of what emetophobia and anxiety is to us. E.g. Some have an illness or disease, some have a mental health problem, some have long term family/relationship problems etc. We are the only ones that can change our lives and good on you for trying! Change is hard, but living with phobia and anxiety is much harder... However I am being hypocritical because I haven't done much to change myself.

[courtneykay]

I feel that way a lot. And I experience the mucus thing too - I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.

[ruhligv]

Kelly that is so sad I know what you mean I remember a time in my teens when this phobia was there but didn't run my life! I still traveled, ate out, didn't wash my hands all the time, didn't really ever think about it. Id have been anxious if i got it, but i never did. I want to be like that again! Stopthissong thank you for your kind words and i often think about that too. Some people get cancer, some people have AIDS, someone might have a drug addiction, disability, be paralyzed... We have this cross to bear. It's no easier or harder, better or worse. We can choose to fight it just like they can fight theirs. Alcoholism runs in my family but I won't touch it because it makes people v. Who knows what kind of life i could have chosen to live without this phobia?! Maybe I wouldn't have been able to stop or maybe id have died in an OD or accident. I believe God allows us our burdens because He knows what we need and He knows our struggles before we do. But I'm just like 'okay God you can take it away now, I'm good! ' lol

[ruhligv]

Courtneykay isn't that the worst? It's so gross Feeling. Glad I'm not the only one too!

[marzipan]

Kelly that is so sad I know what you mean I remember a time in my teens when this phobia was there but didn't run my life! I still traveled, ate out, didn't wash my hands all the time, didn't really ever think about it. Id have been anxious if i got it, but i never did. I want to be like that again! Stopthissong thank you for your kind words and i often think about that too. Some people get cancer, some people have AIDS, someone might have a drug addiction, disability, be paralyzed... We have this cross to bear. It's no easier or harder, better or worse. We can choose to fight it just like they can fight theirs. Alcoholism runs in my family but I won't touch it because it makes people v. Who knows what kind of life i could have chosen to live without this phobia?! Maybe I wouldn't have been able to stop or maybe id have died in an OD or accident. I believe God allows us our burdens because He knows what we need and He knows our struggles before we do. But I'm just like 'okay God you can take it away now, I'm good! ' lol

Your post really resonated with me as it's exactly how I'm feeling at the moment, it's so awful isn't it?
I'm 22 at the moment and have had the phobia since I was about 10. The phobia has for some reason gotten absolutely awful in the last few months, and it's so heartbreaking for me looking back on how I was as a teenager. Like you said - I still had the phobia, and every month or two I'd have a random night where I'd feel quite n* for whatever reason and would get super anxious and panicky, but it never lasted more than an hour or so and I'd be fine. Other than that the phobia never really bothered me and I got on with my life, travelled, ate out all the time etc. Yet now it feels like the phobia has completely taken me over and it seems to control my every being.

It's such a shame but hopefully we can both pull through this. Have you tried any therapy for it? I'm on the waiting list for cbt which I've heard can be quite helpful, maybe look into that?

Good luck with your journey!

[ruhligv]

Marzipan that's how I was as a teen too! Id give anything to be so carefree again! I remember getting d* from eating too many blueberries at The peir and my friends and I just laughed about it. Now I'd totally freak out and have to go home and have a melt down. I'm better now than I was 5 yrs ago when i literally wouldn't leave my house, it gave me anxiety to go to the mail box! I'm on antidepressants and I went to therapy. I just had to keep pushing myself. I'm 28 and finally went back to college, moved an hour away from home when I was 24 and I'll be graduating in May! I signed up for school and somehow forced myself to leave; first year was the hardest! But Id love to be able to travel and go for day trips and eat whatever sounded good again. Whenever I do those things Im so anxious and exhaustEd and embarrassed that I'm no fun to be around and I don't enjoy it!