i caught norovirus, did *it*,and i think my phobia got better! (POSSIBLY TRIGGERING)
before you read this, i'm one of those people who's phobic about throwing up myself. in fact, i'm VERY phobic and i have been since i was five years old but the last few years i've been trying not to let it rule my life too much. in fact, i haven't thrown up in 11 years even though i have more or less daily nausea because of anxiety, i've gotten really drunk, done drugs, had surgery...a lot of things that would make a non-emet throw up, so it's like i started thinking of myself as a person physically unable to do it. i still have more or less daily panic attacks because of the phobia though, and i'm extremely cautious about food. i think you all can relate.
I broke my 11 year streak, and to be honest, in hindsight i couldn't be happier about it!
anyway, this wednesday i went to my neighbor to buy eggs (they own chicken) and we talked for a while. before i left, she mentioned that she had a terrible stomach flu a few days ago.
I got home, washed my hands, and i tried not to worry about this too much because I've actually never caught it, nor have i had a stomach virus for 17 years so i kind of assumed i'm one of those people who are immune to it.
i started feeling a bit nauseaous and gross the next day (thursday), i woke up at 5 am with nausea and a panic attack which is nothing unusual for me. then on the friday morning, it happened again. i woke up shaking and sick, popped some anti-emetics and called my friend on skype. usually, the nausea goes away when i burp and it rarely lasts for more than an hour.
by 6 am, it had gotten worse. i couldn't stand up anymore, because i had this disgusting lump in my throat and i could hardly even swallow. i called my mom, thankfully she was not going to work so we could talk. i had a very intense panic attack, i tried every trick (chewing on ice, ginger, chewing gum, mint leaves, fresh air) but the nausea got worse and worse. it was different from the regular anxiety-nausea even though i was still panicing so hard i couldn't breathe, screaming-crying, scratching my legs until i drew blood. my mom was there to talk me through it though, and it really helped (I love her so much!)
the more time went on, the pain and discomfort got so intense at this point, i would rather have someone pour rubbing alcohol into a wound than experience this again! my mind started to shift, and i think i somehow started to make peace with the fact that i might vomit, because anything is better than the feeling of actual, intense nausea (it's different from anxiety nausea)
it was so painful and such a revolting feeling, i can't remember the last time i experienced something that made me feel so bad (physically)
by 9 am, after having fought this for four hours, i couldn't do it anymore. i was so tired (I only had two hours of sleep before i woke up and groggy with sleeping medication and panic attack exhaustion) and i can also admit that a part of me was curious to how vomiting actually feels like, i realized i couldn't even remember the feeling i was so afraid of and now i was probably really close to it.
i grabbed a bucket and let it happen. it was hard to relax and let my body do it's thing, i will admit, it was disgusting, my eyes teared up, my stomach cramped so badly, i lost my breath for a few moments. but it was strangely reliving. the panic attack is A LOT worse, but i have to say that the nausea is the worst. my mom was actually on the phone with me, and cheered me on while it happened, "you can do it! you're really strong!" since she knows how debilitating this phobia is for me.
afterward, i was almost euphoric and i was left with a feeling of "that was it? it wasn't worse than this?"
it was like a relevation, i can't explain it.
i brushed my teeth, but i was still feeling sick when i got into bed and tried to sleep. the nausea got worse and worse, and instinctively i knew it was going to happen again so i made sure to drink lots of water so i wouldn't just retch. three hours later, it did happen again. this time, i had no panic or even anxiety about it. it was more relieving than anything else, and the worst feeling was probably 15 minutes before it was going to happen. i learned that my puke threshold is really high, it takes a lot of nausea for it to happen (last time when i was 16, i was nauseaous for three days before i gave in)
after a while, the diarrhea started and it was followed by a headache, muscle aches and a fever. my dad dropped by with some electrolyte drinks, and some bananas. i spent most of the day in bed and on the toilet, and i haven't been this sick in years.
today, i'm feeling better. i still feel weak, nauseaous (and i'm very smelly and gross from fever sweat) and incredibly tired but i can't help but to have a weird sense of gratitude of what happened to me. norovirus is literally my biggest nightmare, and i survived!
my emetophobia is one of the biggest things that prevents me from living a full life, and it's a constant source of anxiety for me so i really i hope i can carry this feeling with me and remember that vomiting actually wasn't so bad, and most importantly, that i could do this alone. i was on my own the whole time, and i could take care of myself. the fear of the vomiting itself is a thousand times worse, which is really easy to tell yourself until you actually get nauseaous, but it's something i experienced as truth.
as i said, my phobia was (is?) pretty severe, so i hope this can serve as an inspiration for others and i truly hope that everyone reading this gets to experience something that lessens your phobia
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Originally Posted by surfer777
