My life is currently sh*t

[SparkleSwirl]

Warning this entry contains words such as v*, n*, etc.


This is a very long story but I'll try to make it as short as I can.
I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease at the age of 2 and a half. If I digest gluten, I will vomit for hours and develop an iron deficiency anemia for 3 years, become pale, and lose weight.
I developed emetophobia at the age of 6 from accidentally eating gluten. I vomited into the toilet for hours and hours. I was very sick. Ever since then, I've been getting panic attacks, bouts of depression, unbearable anxiety, etc.
At the age of 9 I developed a gagging phobia. From then on I had to carry a water bottle around with me to prevent gagging. I had this weird thing where I would gag from a panic attack.
Life has been going uphill and downhill since then.

Now I'm 14. In mid-January life was going good. But then my brother threw up and got very sick that day in the car. Ever since, my life has been spiraling downhill. He was sick all through February, and I was having panic attacks all day every day and developed Agoraphobia. I am too scared to leave the house now. Even going around my block makes me nervous. I have been house bound for over 2 months now. (I am home schooled so I don't need to go to school.) My anxiety is ruining my life. I am too scared of leaving my house. My Lexapro only works for the physical symptoms of anxiety. And Ive been taking it for 2 years now. I am so depressed. And yeah, I do have a reason to live, so I do see a point in living. BUT I CAN'T HAVE THAT REASON TO LIVE BECAUSE I CANT LEAVE MY FUCKING HOUSE AND I CANT DO ANYTHING. I just can't live like this anymore. I don't want help for my anxiety, I want a cure. I am so fat and ugly and worthless. My life is shit and nothing is fun anymore and all I want to do is be happy and anxiety free. Plus it's almost summer and if I don't start getting better soon my summer will be seriously fucked up. Yes, my mom knows about me, but she's not very helpful. She is going to get me Zoloft and that better fucking work or else I don't know what else to do. My friends come to my door and I sen them away and make up excuses. They call me and I do answer, but they have happy things to tell me and what they did that day or how awesome their life is and all I can do is pretend to be happy because I'm NOT happy and I FUCKING HATE LIVING IN THIS HELL. All I do every day all day is lay around and eat food and play video games. Life is so scary, uncomfortable, and shitty I HATE THIS.

[canonguy]

i definitely know what you mean about nothing being fun anymore. when that happens it's hard to find anything worth living for. i think you need a drastic change. have you considered in patient therapy? i know your agoraphobia makes that hard to think about but maybe you just need a big shake up. wishing you the best and if yo ever need to talk i'm here

[SilentFrog]

Believe me, I can relate to so many of your feelings. Have a look at some of my recent threads here, you'll see that I too was suicidal over the last few days. But - and you'll hate me for saying this - things do get better, before it happened to me, I was just about ready to punch anybody who told me that, how could they be so ignorant, what did they know - but it really is true.

I just want you to know that my PM is open, and I'm always a listening ear should you want to chat - I've been through depression myself, I've had three suicide attempts, suffered from severe health problems and I know just how bad this phobia can get, just how much it can fuck with your life. I almost dropped out of college, and I did lose all of my friends, including my best friend of eight years, because I could no longer face to meet up with him - the phobia was too intense, it gripped me.

Anyway, just consider me here to listen, relate and understand - and most importantly of all, please don't hurt yourself. Believe me, it's really not worth it.

[ChiGal]

First off, I'm so sorry you feel so badly right now. 14 is a rough age. Actually anything in the teen years are. I wouldn't wish to be 14 again to save my life.

Second, you say the Zoloft "better fucking work"...but I just want to remind you medications do not really make everything okay again. Yes they can help with the symptoms but you really need to talk to someone to work through your emotions and fears. You said the Lexapro takes away the physical issues from anxiety....so actually the med is actually doing what it supposed to do.

Which brings me to my third question, have you talked to your mom about booking an appointment with a therapist or a counselor? Or talked to her about outpatient or even inpatient treatment? You need to talk these feelings out with someone. Medications will ease the physical symptoms, you need to work on the other issues that are going on with a professional.

I was housebound for a too long because of extreme anxiety and panic and I know what that feels like. It's not a fun place to be. At all. Treatment may feel uncomfortable and scary at times but trust me, in the long run you will feel grateful for it. And you have made a big step acknowledging that things needs to change and you are unhappy, so now is the perfect time start working on a plan to get where you want to be.

Good luck!

[Maddie-_-]

you remind me of myself. im 14 too and the only thing we dont have in common is celiac. if you ever want to chat, email me on here (my instant message never works)

[cargal16]

I was really bad off in my teens. I would have constant panic attacks and had so many absent days from school just because of fear. I'm in no way cured now and I still have my moments, especially if family has been sick, but I am far better than I was. The main thing that has helped me is to push my limits. Kinda like exposure therapy. The more you do your rituals to comfort yourself, the worse you will get. Make yourself go out on a small errand or have a friend over. Start small. When you start to panic, push your way through and keep going. Try to do something fun that will get your mind occupied. The more you do, the easier it will get. The more you do, the easier it will get. There may be times you relapse but it won't be as bad and just keep pushing. Don't let this fear control you! You are bigger than it! I've got faith in you!