Recovery Journal (& Million Dollar Question!)

[Claire-]

Hi guys!

So I hope it's okay to post this here. A while back I started a sort of recovery journal, but unfortunately I got overwhelmed with the exposure and gave up before it had a chance to cure my emetophobia. But I would like to start it again, and maybe some of you will read it and be inspired by it somehow ^_^ Before I go on, I should mention that this isn't an 'I'm going to make myself vomit' journal, just graduated exposure and CBT and all that. Also, I do say vomit rather than v*, because it's the first step I think anyone can take towards overcoming their fear. Just being able to look at the word.

Moving swiftly on! The techniques I'll be using to try to cure myself are: CBT, Thrive, anchoring and, positive visualisation and graduated exposure. CBT and Thrive are basically the same things (changing your thoughts so that your feelings change), but I'm putting that out there in case anyone wanted to know.

Every day, I am going to challenge myself to do two things that scare me. It doesn't matter if they're small - I'll still praise myself for them because anything is better than nothing! So one day, it might be eating without washing my hands. Another day, it might be playing the piano in front of an audience or doing a speech in front of a group. Basically, anything that I'm afraid of, I will push myself to do. Eventually, I'll raise this up to three or four things, and start pushing myself to do the harder things on my list (like taking buses to places), but I'll start small.

I am determined to get somewhere with this, and I will not give up. And if I start thinking I want to, I must remind myself of the life that I want to live. There are so many things that I could do if I overcome this fear that I cannot let it rule my life any longer. Hopefully, in writing this all down, you guys will be able to see my progress and it might even encourage you to take the same steps!

It's 11pm right now, so I shall be starting tomorrow But right now my stomach's gurgling, and it was starting to freak me out. My thoughts were going 'What if I vomit? What if I get diarrhoea? I couldn't cope with that!' and I was starting to have a panic attack. I'm changing those thoughts to 'Even if I vomited, I could cope. Vomiting is safe and makes me feel better. If I'm sick, it will pass and I have lots of good things to look forward to.' It's not making a huge amount of difference, but that's not the point. This isn't going to be a quick-fix! I have to keep at it, regardless of whether or not it helps this time. I can do this. I WILL do this.

I hope you all have a good day/night/evening, and thank you for reading my ramblings *hugs*

Edit: Ah! The million dollar question! So I read something the other day. It said: 'If you were told you could win a million dollars by answering the question 'Are you going to be sick?' correctly, what would you say?' And when you think about it seriously, most of the time, you'd say no. Because deep down, you know you're not going to vomit, and you'd want the million dollars thank you very much Try thinking it next time you're in a panic, it works quite well for me ^^

[paulinek]

Glad to hear you're having another bash at it, my iPads about to go flat and I'm in bed do I'll reply properly tomorrow but I just wanted to quickly say good luck and I look forward to reading about your progress

[Claire-]

Thanks Pauline! ^_^

I didn't update last night because I'm getting sick (a cold, I think) and I just wanted to go to sleep, but I'll write it up today instead! Okay so I wasn't feeling great and there wasn't much I could two, but the two things I did which I thought were good for an emet were:

1. I ate pasta (which I once threw up) even when I wasn't feeling too well, and knew it might make me feel worse
2. I walked to the shops whilst feeling awful and stayed inside even when I had a panic attack that made me feel like I might vomit

Nothing huge, but a bigger success than nothing! I was also having a really hard time last night because of the general malaise (that's how my previous stomach bug started, so naturally I was afraid). I was thinking bad thoughts, and just feeling as if I couldn't cope. So I went onto youtube and watched some comedy (Dylan Moran!) for about an hour and a half, and by the end of it I was laughing and no longer cared if I vomited or not, so I'm proud that I managed to do that!

There won't be many interesting updates til my cold has gone, but I'll keep posting for consistency's sake XD Take care everyone *hugs*

[paulinek]

Hope you're cold clears up soon they can be really miserable well done on your two achievements! Eating something you've previously thrown up is a massive thing so that's really impressive! Even non emets can tend to avoid eating things they've been ill after. Get well soon.

[pogopig]

Well done Claire, I reckon you're approaching this in a good way. I'm convinced there's no easy 'cure' for this phobia, it's just a case of fighting it like crazy every way you can think of. Was thinking of getting the Thrive book myself. I'm trying the anchoring you suggested. It's great to have some positivity and practical suggestions on here so thanks for that.