Needing Help. Please

[awkocattt]

I'm sorry if this is all over. I can't think straight. I'm sorry.
I'm 13, and unlike most people my emetophobia is not from something that happened early in my childhood. I've had this phobia for about 8 months, and it has swallowed me whole. I was put on lexapro for 7 months, and it never worked, no matter how high they upped my dosage (they ended up upping it to the highest adult dosage possible). I recently switched to Prozac, which seems to be making me dizzy, and slightly nauseous (aka the worst enemy of emetophobiacs). I'm also on xanax for panic attacks, and I frequently go over the dosage because of my 5-6 panic attacks a day.
Ever since December 8th 2014 at 1:18 AM I've been terrified of leaving my house. I refuse to eat out, and clean out the refrigerator every other day searching for expired foods, and throwing them away. I sanitize my hands at every moment possible, and I've been panicking about going back to school. Sitting in crowded classrooms with virus carrying humans, constant coughing, blowing of noses, and at least 10-12 people out sick with the flu every. single. day.
I honestly have no idea what I'm typing anymore. I just want my life to be over if I'm being honest. I have a history of self harm, and have had increased suicidal thoughts recently because of my high anxiety. And because of my sharing these thoughts with the incompetent humans I call my parents, I was placed in a mental hospital against my will. All I did while I was there was sit and cry. I cried all day long, yelled at nurses that they couldn't keep me there, and that it was my parent's choice, until I was finally released after about 24 hours.
Obviously I have trust issues with them now, along with other issues. They call my phobia stupid, and whenever I run to the bathroom bawling my eyes out during a panic attack, they yell at me. They tell me I do all of this for attention. They are the reason I self harm more often than not. They are the ones who make me believe that I am inferior to the rest of the population because of my anxiety. It feels so good to finally type this out.
I have also gone through three therapists in my eight months of suffering. Nothing helps. I've tried so hard for so long, and I'm tired. Tired of this. I want to be a normal human being. I'm tired of this. I do not want this life, nor do I believe that I deserve it.
I'm sorry you've read all of this, and at this point I'm not even sure if I'm going to post this.
All I can do at this point is ask for help. I need help from people who understand my situation. This may be my last hope. I'm sorry

[horsewoman]

Bless your heart!!! It will get better! I am going to try to send you a message.

[mdgirl1977]

I am so sorry, you seem to be in so much pain. What grade are you in? Middle school? Do you see a therapist? It seems like maybe an inpatient stay where you can get stabilized, away from all of your day to day stresses, may be the your best option. Have you considered that? I know it seems like emet is the issue but I see way more severe generalized anxiety, depression.

[Athena]

don't give up yet as you grow older you get stronger you're still so young and i feel your pain ive been there i didnt go out of my room for two whole years because of my fear and i self harmed and was on a billion pills but pills dont really help try and stay positive you need to find things that give you comfort if its pain that fine theirs things you can do to cause yourself pain without harming yourself like putting your hands in ice water or wearing an elastic around your wrist and snapping it. tea does wonders for the tummy whenever you feel anxious try and sip none caffeinated tea chew ginger go outside and get fresh air lay down on the ground naked all those thing stimulate the senses and help anxiety listen to music or listen to natural sounds there all over youtube hang in there as your mind matures it will figure out how to cope and live with it's problems! It wont be easy but there still so much you gotta do and learn that doesnt involve v* like education romance hobbies friends partying traveling life has a lot of good things worth living for make little goals and work towards them! best of wishes!

[pogopig]

My parents were the same when I was growing up. I've ended up feeling totally worthless and extremely ashamed of having this fear. Just remember you didn't ask to have this fear, you are NOT attention seeking. It's a mental health issue and you need support. You are NOT stupid or worthless. Don't let your family make you feel bad. They should be ashamed of themselves.

It's not easy but things can and will get better.

[jumperkar1]

Wow girl I am so sorry. But I know how you feel. Ive been struggling with this since I was in 7th grade. (18 now) I was actually around your age when i started having actual panic attacks. And for 2 weeks straight I had panic attacks basically constantly and it was SO scary. And I've had it ever since. I go through bad stages and okay stages. And now its bad again. But please please don't give up. Ive been there I've been your age going through it before. And well yeah I still have these problems, its not nearly as bad as it was. Don't be afraid to message me or reply if you want to ever talk and if you need someone there. I know how scary it can be

[veronicac2212]

I also went through about 2 years where I couldn't leave my house, or even my room for some time.

I don't see how your parents can think you are faking it if you have seen doctors and therapist. They should be able to tell your parents that anxiety and phobias are very real things.

i know growing up at your age my parents also thought the same of me, which is crazy because my mom also had anxiety and fear of vomiting! When I would tell her my stomach hurt or I felt sick or that I didn't want to go somewhere, she thought Inwas just faking it! She never tried to talk to me or try to understand.

Athena had some very good points. Many of the things she mentioned are what helped me. I had to find things I enjoyed and gave me comfort and did them often. Nature IS something needed that helps. Sunlight, fresh air, it helps to ground your mind. I had to gradually expose myself to the outside world to overcome my fear of getting out of the house.

A lot of times feeling out of control is what fuels this fear of being sick. I know I have control issues, and not sure what caused it. I am 32 and this fear started when I was about 9. I had years where I felt fine, and years where I regressed and felt bad again. Don't give up because there will be better times. It's just a matter of discovering what helps you cope. Like mentioned by someone else, pain can detour your fear, but I recommend using something that does not actually harm your body. I use to put really cold objects on sensitive areas like my stomach or lower back or neck and it helped a little.