I'm sorry if this is all over. I can't think straight. I'm sorry.
I'm 13, and unlike most people my emetophobia is not from something that happened early in my childhood. I've had this phobia for about 8 months, and it has swallowed me whole. I was put on lexapro for 7 months, and it never worked, no matter how high they upped my dosage (they ended up upping it to the highest adult dosage possible). I recently switched to Prozac, which seems to be making me dizzy, and slightly nauseous (aka the worst enemy of emetophobiacs). I'm also on xanax for panic attacks, and I frequently go over the dosage because of my 5-6 panic attacks a day.
Ever since December 8th 2014 at 1:18 AM I've been terrified of leaving my house. I refuse to eat out, and clean out the refrigerator every other day searching for expired foods, and throwing them away. I sanitize my hands at every moment possible, and I've been panicking about going back to school. Sitting in crowded classrooms with virus carrying humans, constant coughing, blowing of noses, and at least 10-12 people out sick with the flu every. single. day.
I honestly have no idea what I'm typing anymore. I just want my life to be over if I'm being honest. I have a history of self harm, and have had increased suicidal thoughts recently because of my high anxiety. And because of my sharing these thoughts with the incompetent humans I call my parents, I was placed in a mental hospital against my will. All I did while I was there was sit and cry. I cried all day long, yelled at nurses that they couldn't keep me there, and that it was my parent's choice, until I was finally released after about 24 hours.
Obviously I have trust issues with them now, along with other issues. They call my phobia stupid, and whenever I run to the bathroom bawling my eyes out during a panic attack, they yell at me. They tell me I do all of this for attention. They are the reason I self harm more often than not. They are the ones who make me believe that I am inferior to the rest of the population because of my anxiety. It feels so good to finally type this out.
I have also gone through three therapists in my eight months of suffering. Nothing helps. I've tried so hard for so long, and I'm tired. Tired of this. I want to be a normal human being. I'm tired of this. I do not want this life, nor do I believe that I deserve it.
I'm sorry you've read all of this, and at this point I'm not even sure if I'm going to post this.
All I can do at this point is ask for help. I need help from people who understand my situation. This may be my last hope. I'm sorry