I thought I was doing better

[mvrbchd]

Hey everyone,

I haven't been on this forum in years and years, but tonight I am desperate for help or maybe just a listening ear. I have had emetophobia for as long as I can remember. As a child, I remember whenever someone would get sick around me, I would be traumatized for months, taking panic attacks every night, suffering from depression. It even got so bad so that when I was in high school, a boy got sick in my class (I wasn't in the room at the time because he had said he felt sick and looked like he was going to get sick so I asked the teacher to go to the bathroom to escape) and it was enough to make me leave school altogether and beg my parents to get me a tutor for the remainder of the school year. Over time, occurrences would happen and I would go through the same cycle of panic attacks/depression. The worst part about it, was that during this time, and all throughout my phobia, I've ALWAYS felt sick to my stomach which only compounds the problem. Anyone who knows me, knows that I feel like I'm going to be sick almost every day at one time or another. A few years ago, things started to get a bit better. I was better able to cope with other people being sick (I still couldn't be in the same room or in close proximity but at least I wouldn't stay home when I heard a flu bug was going around or not hang out with anyone for days who had recently had the flu). Being emetophic, I rarely got sick myself, but the last few years I did have a very bad case of food poisoning which was one of the worst experiences of my life. But once it was gone, I didn't get the anxiety and depression like I used to and life went back to normal after a few days of feeling better. I thought I was finally doing okay with the phobia and working towards being over it.

I was wrong.

I am 29 years of age now, and just recently moved all the way from Canada to Edinburgh, Scotland and ever since this move, I feel like I am right back at square one. I haven't had feelings like this since I was a teenager, I'm constantly taking panic attacks, feeling so sick every night that I'm up until 2 or 3 am every night with a face cloth and about 2 gravol inside me. I can't get on the bus without taking an attack and having to get off two stops later thinking I am going to be sick. All I think about when I go anywhere is "what if I get stuck somewhere out in public and get sick". On top of that, it seems that everywhere I walk in this city, someone has gotten sick on the side walk and then I start to panic.

I don't know what to do about this anymore. It has taken over my life. I don't want to be around people. I have someone staying with me this week, visiting from Canada and I just want them to leave because having people around when I feel this way makes me feel ten times more sick than when I'm alone. Its gotten to the point where I don't want to get into a relationship again because I don't think I will ever be able to live with another person, in fear that they may get ill or that I may get ill in front of them. I honestly feel like if this continues, I won't be able to have friends, or have a normal life, or even a normal job.

Has anyone been so bad that they couldn't function anymore but have come out of it? If so, how on earth did you find the way to cope. I've been to numerous therapists when I was younger, and they either wanted to give me medication or they wanted to do exposure therapy. And as soon as I heard what that entailed, I panicked and quit going. I'm so lost and feel so helpless

Sorry for the long post. I feel extremely sick tonight and just needed to write something to take my mind off of the way that I am feeling.

[Afdpt]

First of all, remember that you got better before so you can again!

A big move like that is likely to spike anxiety in anyone. So many changes can be stressful to the body.

I have not used a formal therapist but know others have had success with it. The thing about therapy, from what I've heard, is that it may requires a little shopping around before you find the one who is right for you. So don't be discouraged because you haven't had success in the past, keep looking. CBT seems to be the most successful for treating emetophobia so maybe search for someone who can offer you that. And if that therapist doesn't seem to be working out, try another one.

Just please, never give up! I'm living proof you can recover from this! If there is anything I can do to help you at any time, please let me know!

[AZCH]

I'm sorry that you're going through a rough patch right now, but I second what Afdpt said in that a stressful move like that can increase your anxiety. It's also super important to remember that you DID get through it once so you can do it again. I would say you should focus on bringing the anxiety down by making sure you're getting some exercise (heart rate up) even if it's for 10 minutes a day, do guided relaxations, if you feel tense at all slow down and focus on relaxing those muscles, etc. I would also advise finding a good therapist, if they're not understanding keep searching until you find someone you're comfortable with. You might want to consider medication in the short term, if it can help you start getting back to a normal life. If it's something you are open to make it clear to your therapist what your goals are (ie, not to be on it long term, etc.).

Also, while exposure therapy sounds scary, I did go through it (along with CBT) and I can say it helped a ton with things like not panicking when walking by it on the street, etc. It should start at a level that doesn't cause a high level of anxiety and your therapist should be super understanding about not doing things that increase your anxiety except for slightly at the time. For example I started with just reading and writing the word and did that until it caused no anxiety before doing anything else. Those are the main things I have experience with so I can't speak to other methods but I can say that those two things, and REALLY making relaxation/anxiety reduction a priority have been very helpful to me. I wish you the best and let me know if you need anything!

[horsewoman]

Bless your heart! I feel for you, I can get caught up like that any given day. Like everyone else said, the stress of the move probably contributed to the return of the phobia. In some of my reading, I have come across that when we are stressed we think of the biggest, scariest thing to distract ourselves. In my worst times I do turn to the medication. (Xanax) and it helps tremendously. It helps me get passed the obsessing. It doesn't take much, too much can lead me to depressive thoughts. That and relaxation. Look up relaxation you tube videos and listen to them. I didn't do exposure therapy.. having a child and being around kids did that for me. Lol. I hope you find relief.. It passed before and it will again.

[mvrbchd]

Thank you everyone for your replies. It really helps to know that there are people out there who understand what I am going through. I can't really talk to family or friends about it because they just don't get it, and when I do talk about it, it makes me feel like I am weird. I used to take Ativan for my panic attacks but it actually started making me feel nauseated and dizzy so of course I stopped taking it out of fear of getting ill. I have started looking for a therapist here because at this point I definitely need to do something. I've resorted to basically locking myself in my flat when I'm not at work, which is causing some serious loneliness/depression. I hate that this is controlling my life. I moved here to travel and see and do new things and this phobia and return of my anxiety has completely prevented me from doing anything. I've lost over 10lbs in the two months since I've been here because I've been too afraid to eat most days, unless I am home. I have however been listening to relaxation recordings each night in bed and that has been helping me get to sleep so that is a start!

Thanks again for the advice and support. I hope everyone is having a great weekend

[thecheesecake17]

Mvrbchd - are you in a stressful job? Or facing a threatening situation each day? I bet if you really analysed yourself you aren't half as bad as what you think. To me it sounds like you know its all anxiety taking over. It's powerful though so I can understand your pain.

Also I'm sorry Scotland has made you worse - its meant to be one of the most relaxing places!! Haha. Seriously though, are your fears about being unwell or just generalised? If you're fearing getting sick and avoiding eating then I can almost guarantee this is making you so much worse. I'm one of those who thinks food is gonna make any sickness worse when in fact, I feel sooooo much better when I've eaten, but its been a war to get myself to eat. When we don't, were not only looking at food as evil and depriving our bodies of vitamins and minerals but we are making the next illness we get 10x worse. I dropped two stone from April-July and never felt more panicky and anxious. Also I had to drop coffee for a few months cos that was my nemesis. Are you also a caffeine fan? I bite my nails and stay awake so much more cos of this....and it sucks.

It sounds like you are letting a few bad experiences wrap your entire life, which is something I despise cos I'm completely the same. Boyfriend had food poisoning in may and it was one of the worst experiences of MY life haha so I can't imagine going through it myself...he was calm, just very very depressed and unable to eat properly for about a week but never thinks anything when he feels sick.

I'm also like you and almost just wanna give up on everyone and not ever get married or have kids and live alone so no germs get me but at the end of the day if you're gonna catch something you're gonna catch something. In your earlier post you said cos youre emet you hardly got sick.... Well that's the good thing with us - we notice people are sick but somehow we never are? And yet we have endless n*.... That's a strange one but also quite powerful.

Lastly, are you definitely feeling n*? If you are I'd say its a combo of not eating and any meds you're taking but n* is soooo powerfully faked and magnified in our silly minds - literally, when I used to feel a bit 'weird' after dinner or just cos I was n* for whatever reason, I'd panic. Then I'd sense that panic and call it n*. Then after an hour of panic I'd be exhausted and finally calm down. Then realise there was no n* whatsoever, just the anxiety. Other times I've had n* where I've thought 'screwed. Gonna go to the bathroom' but, usually by this point, once again the anxiety exhausts me and if I feel like its gonna happen I almost make my peace with it. But I bet you haven't even needed to v* in sooooo long, and I bet ALOT of your feelings are acid, acid is such a grim thing...it confuses us, it makes me feel like its n* in the throat and it flares up every few weeks then I stay away from everyone in fear....try and analyse what this n* feels like. Does it make you wanna be sick? Or is it dull??

I'm always here to chat if ya want.
Im very sorry Scotland is making you worse haha

[mvrbchd]

Well my work life is pretty stressful, but it has been that way for a long time. I work full time as an accountant here in Scotland but I also work about 25 hours per week doing consulting on top of my full time job, so I'm literally ALWAYS working. The weird part about this whole emet thing is that I had it for many many years (since I was about 7 or 8 years of age: my best friend passed away from choking on her v*** and unfortunately my parents told me exactly what happened and from that point forward I had the phobia), but then it seemed to lessen substantially from about age 24 until just a few months ago. I've actually been ill more than most emetophobes (about 4 or 5 times in the past 5 years) and have dealt with it quite well when it happened. It was always worse for me if I saw someone else getting ill. And I don't think that I am as bad as others as I don't get upset if my dog gets sick, I don't have a problem seeing or saying the word, I don't get anxious if I see it on TV or a movie (unless its a reality show and someone is actually getting ill, then I will turn away). It has literally been since moving away that it has come back with a vengeance.

A lot of my fear is actually getting sick in front of others, so I get very anxious now when I have to be in a closed room with people, or I am not near a bathroom (ie on a bus or walking somewhere outside). Also, when I have friends or family staying at my flat, I get anxious that I may get sick while they are there and they will hear me OR that they will get sick while here and I will hear them. But once again, this wasn't happening prior to the move. In fact I felt great for a long time, I ate normally, a lot actually, I worked out all the time, I would sleep at other people's houses and vice versa with no issues, things seemed to be a lot better. I also had a car back home which allowed me to come and go as I pleased, whereas here I don't have one yet so I rely on walking everywhere or taking a bus, so if I begin to feel sick, I don't have a quick escape back home which causes more anxiety.

I guess the short version of what I am trying to say is I know that it is ALL anxiety related. There is no way one person can actually be sick with a flu bug or food poisoning EVERY single day. But for me, the hard part is keeping the anxiety levels down. I also used to love coffee but since moving here have had to give it up as it just made my n** worse (which is a shame since they have the best coffee!). I also have had to completely cut out alcohol since even one drink will make me feel super ill. So I know that this is illogical, and I know that for the past 6 years or so I have been able to live a normal life, but for some reason, the anxiety is taking over and I can't get my illogical side of my brain to believe the logical.

[kam142]

Hey! Just wanted to say I think you're so brave for moving by yourself (emet or not that's still a huge deal!). It actually sounds like you've got really good insight into your thinking and reactions... you're just maybe a bit stuck with changing them. I'm at that point too... I can identify my negative thinking styles but I just can't stop the panic response. Ps I'm in Scotland too and the weather this time of year defi doesn't help things! I feel trapped either in my car or my house all the time and I hate it! Oh and coffee makes me feel crap as well (still haven't managed to give it up though!)