Help regarding relationships. :/

[Rls1994]

Hey all. Not sure if any of you remember me, but I used to post on here regularly. I took a break from here as this site was just fueling my phobia more than anything. Sorry, but it was.

But... It's almost winter, and my anxiety is really high again since we all know what goes around this time of year. :/ Anyway, I'm in a relationship, and I'm a very honest person, so I told them right away that I was emetophobic and went into details about what caused it. They didn't say anything about it, so I'm not sure if that's bad or not. They start working tomorrow, and I'm really afraid because working places, colleges, care homes, etc, are generally where you pick up the SV*. We're in a long-distance relationship, so we cannot see each other every week, but still... I'm worried because, as far as I know, you can be contagious before you start showing symptoms (correct me if I'm wrong, please) and I'm afraid it's going to happen one day when we're together. I feel like I have hide it because I'm the sort of person that will keep asking if they've been sick recently, or know anybody that has, and I don't want to annoy them or push them away.. And if they do get sick, then I'd avoid them for weeks.. Stupid, I know.

If you're in a relationship, then how has it been?

[Lindseyrin]

I just joined today after wanting to for s while, and honestly I'm going through it right now too. But, I live with my boyfriend and he's never gotten sick around me through the years. But tonight he feels sick and I am so terrified. I keep asking him how he's feeling, and begging him to take one of my zofran and he says no. He just went to bed and I can't go sleep with him, if he gets sick I won't even be able to sleep in the spare bedroom or house. I'll have to spell in my car. Ugh. I know where you're coming from but I keep telling myself that no matter what, he is worth it. And I have to be a stronger person for him. And his wellbeing. Just think of how much better you being around will make him feel if he's not feeling well. It helps me. Good luck! I know how you feel!

[Lindseyrin]

Also- he does know how I am about the whole sickness ordeal. Make sure he understands and supports you. Like, if a part on s show comes on where someon gets ill, he will warn me ahead of time and tell me I'll want to leave the room, or burry my head into his chest. Make sure you've got that support from him.

[Afdpt]

In most cases of a Stomach bug I'm pretty sure you're not contagious before symptoms start. I believe rotavirus in children is an exception to that but something like noro is pretty much only spread after the first episode of v*/d*. So I hope that bit of into helps you.

I think it's great that you were so honest about your phobia from the beginning. He may have not said anything because he didn't know what to say (because this phobia does sound a bit ridiculous to those who have never experienced it and truthfully it is ridiculous when you think about it but knowing that doesn't make it go away, unfortunately)

My husband has known of my phobia since we've been dating. He was always very supportive of it without encouraging it. I, in turn, tried to keep my crazy rituals and habits and questions to a minimum on a regular basis. So I wouldn't question him about if anyone he knew was sick, or force him to wash his hands all of the time. However, on the rare case that someone we knew had been sick or we seemed to be possibly exposed in some way I would ask him to do a good hand washing and let me wipe down his cell phone etc. He thought it unnecessary, but allowed it without complaint, and I think that was because I didn't do it all the time. I've always told him that someday when he gets sick, I'm probably not going to sleep in bed beside him, and warned him not to take itnpersonally. He agreed. And I have never not spent a night beside him, because until the first episode of v* I will force myself to stay (even if he says he feels sick)

So basically I made it work in my relationship by suffering silently most of the time, and then going full blown emetophobe on occasion haha. I did things that made me uncomfortable, especially when he wanted to. I only ever brought up the fear/anxiety to him if it was really bad and eventually he could recognize my panic attacks before me sometimes.

You will figure out what works best in your relationship but honesty is definitely key. Let him know of ways that he can help you but also try not to take advantage. Don't miss out on things just because you're afraid. Just like anything in relationships it's a give/take situation.

[thecheesecake17]

Im also like you guys and do the constant-analysing
'Are you OK? What did you eat? Feeling better? Am I talking too much?' Etc haha.

I'll be honest, being in a relationship does make it both better and worse. I was confident for the first 3-4 months that I'd be fine if my Guy was sick then one night we had the BIGGEST fight and I went to my nextdoor neighbours where my friend lives and he stayed at my place and when I returned to 'make up' with him, he said 'I'm sorry but before we start, I'm gonna v*.' I had no time to panic and I sat there next to my bathroom and for the first time actually coped with hearing someone ...even though it was quite SCARY. Thankfully, he was sick cos he thought we were gonna break up so as soon as he was done, we were eating again after a few hours...(a sign that some people really have softer stomachs for sure!)
Anyway, about three months later he had two v* episodes, one random one, then one very very bad case of either fp or sv*.. And well, I liked to imagine I'd be practising for my own kid and taking care of him and stuff but I sat there petrified and ran after an hour and didn't kiss him for five days...so I disappointed myself completely there.... I think if he had told me it wasn't contagious I would've been OK but the thought of being like he was - bedridden for almost a week, I just couldn't handle it, I went back to my own place across the city.

I can't even say I have grown at all in my emet , even after falling in love for the first time... And last night he said 'When we having our little son then?' As a joke... Cos were both students but I can't think of our hypothetical kids without picturing around 7000 panic attacks in the duration of pregnancy ...this truly truly sucks when we are with someone

[Afdpt]

Cheesecake - I spent my entire life convincing myself and those around me that I didn't want kids when it reality I was too afraid of having to take care of kids who were sick or dealing with morning sickness. That was actually what was my biggest motivation to recover. When my husband and I got engaged and I finally admitted that I definitely wanted to have children with this man, and I knew he really wanted them too. It really made me push myself harder than ever in order to get better. So, something to think about if you do want children (just not the sickness.)

I started paying attention to those around me who have kids and realized that while it seems they are constantly online posting about their kids being sick, it's really not that often. It turned out it was just multiple parents talking about their kids beings sick, not the same ones over and over again. And I would look at their pictures and posts of all of the happy times they had together and realized that sickness was such a tiny part of their lives. While children get sick more than adults, they're still not sick all that often when you consider all of the days in a year.

So if children are something you do want in the future, it's never to early to start preparing yourself for that. I'd be happy to share some of my other tips for how I mentally have coped with the idea if you'd like.

[horsewoman]

I've got to weigh in here, was totally scared to have kids.. I almost waited too long.. But something just told me it was time and now I have my one and only little boy.. Love him so much.. I have learned to cope so much better because of him.. I couldn't cope with family members being sick before I had him.. I'd run far, far away..lol.. It was so scary at first, but you stay even when they're sick... Even if you have to take that nerve pill to get through it, I don't have to anymore, but I did the first couple times we went through sickness... Don't let this phobia keep you from having kids, I regret not having more.. too late now.. but that's okay... What is amazing and what I learned so much from is to watch kids, even when they're sick.. They don't worry about it.. They're fine after it happens..they take a lil nap and wake up starving.... My boy is 9 and he's showing some signs of being scared of v* but i think he's mostly scared he'll have to have a shot!!! Needle phobia...lol...

[thecheesecake17]

Aww, this was very very good to hear. It turns out the majority of you guys have kids and seem to deal with it just fantastically!!
I suppose it's natural to want kids and we have to push the selfishness and nervy bit out the way. After all its another human life and we had to go through bad immunity with our parents at one point... I personally think I'll have your mindset Afdpt and be like 'screw you emet. I'm gonna get through this. Ofc I am!' It sometimes feels that way when I'm having a panic day....

Haha horse!! Yep, the running away is familiar but as you say, I've heard its different when it's your own, I just hear some panicky stories on here which make me happy to be childless but I know I'll regret it when I'm an old woman surrounded by cats!! And not everyone gets morning sickness too bad from what I've read on here, definitely manageable......I'm gonna remember to watch my child when he or she is sick, you're so right, everyone always recovers and then gets hungry....I'm guilty of that!! After my little n* panic a couple of days ago(still can't even say it was proper n*) it vanished and my stomach rumbled so much and I ate perfectly fine the next day..I should listen to my instincts more haha.

Thanks for the replies and encouragement folks

[thecheesecake17]

Afdpt - Some advice would be perfect if you have the time! Did you say you have kids or that you are just completely unafraid now?

I'm not thinking of walking down the aisle and all that kinda stuff yet but I find my boyfriend looking at babies and nudging me and talking more and more about 'our' kid(HE TOTALLY DIDNT DO THAT LAST YEAR AT ALL) And when he does, I get a really tingly feeling, as if like 'ohmygosh that's gonna be so amazing!!!' He talks hypothetically but when we were having waffles the other day he said "Do you seriously consider NOT being a mum? Sorry but that's...kind of a deal breaker, I want them!"....well that's a SCARY thought haha but we have a bit of time to discuss that I think. He's just turned 20 and I'm 22... So I'm kinda at the point where I'm thinking "Get your adult head on. So many women in the world don't even have anti-emet medicine and just face the awkward bits!"

Maybe I should get like a baby-doll to practice with? Hahaha....maybe I'm going crazy...

[Afdpt]

Well definitely consider if you do actually want children. Really think about if you want them because YOU want them or if you're just willing to have them because he does and you love him. I believe relationships need to be give/take and all about compromise but I think children are too big of a deal to take lightly.

That being said, if you do want them you can totally do it. So many on here are full blown emetophobic when they raise their kids and still manage to get through every bug. Recovery is obviously ideal, but enough parents on here prove that it's not necessary.

I would make a list of the things that scare you about children. The morning sickness you'll possibly endure, the times the infant spits up, the first vomit after starting solid foods, the first full on bug, having multiple children with the same bug at the same time, having your spouse catch it too, being sick yourself as you take care of the sick family, car sickness, etc. Really dig for those scary times and start having a plan now ... Way before those things happen. Imagine how you WANT to respond(I would guess calmly, comforting them, etc) and imagine yourself doing that even in your scariest situation. Remember that when you have to clean it up its just vomit, just stomach contents (food and acid) nothing else. Remember that's not dangerous or something to fear. Remeber that when it's actually happening it lasts seconds at a time and then it's over. Remember that each person will have anywhere from a few hours or a couple days MAX of the sickness then be better. That the joys of parenting will greatly outweigh the few hours per year that they're getting sick.

I would challenge you to work through all of those potential scenarios that scare you. Write them down. Write every fear you have associated with it and how you can tackle that fear. If you get to one that challenges you in particular, let me know and I can help you work through it