Starting Therapy

[Rinkosparrow]

Hey everyone,

I thought I would share with everyone my treatment with emetophobia. I started with a new therapist last week, but I've had some therapy regarding my phobia for a while (it didn't really have the effect I wanted...which was to be rid of it entirely). But I'm hoping it'll work this time around, especially since I am older now and much more aware. (Kind of a long post though)

I thought I should give you some background info, in case it helps anyone out there reading this feel a bit of relief that they're not the only ones out there (disclaimer: some of this might be triggering to some, I apologize in advance. I've hid triggering words with an asterisk (*)).

So to begin, I have severe emetophobia. I've had it since I was 12. I had a traumatic incident when I was 11, my dad took me to a house he was building to safe-guard at night, since there were no locks on the house (basically, he wanted to be the security guard and decided to bring his 11 year-old daughter along, and convinced me it would be "fun"). Once we got there, I realized there was no heating and they had freshly painted the walls. It was also February and snowing outside (I live in Canada). He fell asleep and I lay awake, uncomfortable and wanting to go home. Since I couldn't, I just stayed awake and my mind wandered a lot. I tried sleeping and it didn't work. A few hours into the night, I started feeling n* and I wasn't sure why. But then I started getting scared. I wanted to go home, so I tried waking up my dad and he wouldn't listen to me, he ended up just falling back asleep.

A few hours later, I tried waking him again and I told him I wasn't feeling well and I had to go back home. He was angry that I had waken him up and made him drive me back home. On the drive back, he didn't speak to me at all and I was scared over the way I was feeling and scared that I had made him mad (though I was confused as well). Once I got back home, I sat in front of the toilet for hours because I felt so s*. My mom didn't really help either- all she said was, "go to the bathroom" and basically left me there.

After a while, I began to v* and for the next two or so days, I was bedridden. I would fall asleep, wake up, v* and fall back asleep. That was my routine. I wasn't given any medications and no one took care of me. I was scared whenever I threw up (not sure if there's an abbreviation for that on this site) but obviously I did it anyways because I didn't know any better.

When I got better, I remember feeling absolutely, 100% better and fine. In fact, after it happened, I left the bed and ran to eat apples

Anyways, the next year after that, in the wintertime, I started to feel panic. It just happened on its own. I was in class one day and I walked in and felt really scared that I was going to be sick. I started skipping school and started carrying medication around with me. My parents, especially my dad, didn't understand what was going on, and my dad would force me to go to school. I would starve myself for days, only drinking tea and taking over-the-counter drugs and I lost a lot of weight. And my grandparents, who I live with, would take care of me but because they're from a village in another country, they didn't understand what the real problem was that I was having.

During the year I v*, I had a lot of stressers- I was self-harming myself (I don't anymore), I was depressed (still have depression) and I was getting bullied. I learned in therapy that phobias often develop in childhood if multiple stressers are present. That was certainly the case for me.

For the rest of my adolescence, it was the same thing being recycled- I would eat less in the winter, almost to the point of starving myself if my phobia got really bad and I would get bad anxiety whenever I felt s*. However, I was still able to travel during this time. I would starve myself on planes and I would abuse over-the-counter anti-n* pills, if I could. I would subsist on liquids, if I was able to. I also suffered from a lot of acid reflux and doctors would always just give me pills. If I told them I was having acid reflux because I wasn't eating, they assumed I had anorexia and that the reason I wasn't eating was because I was scared of gaining weight. Instead of referring me to an eating disorder program, they just told me to eat more.

I went to therapy in elementary school for about a year or two, but mostly it focused on my home life and the bullying that was happening to me. I went back to therapy in grade 11 because I was getting bad anxiety in math class. We focused a bit on my phobia then and did an EMDR test, but it didn't really help me. I think it was because I was too scared to really let it help. Then I started with a new counselor in 2012 and I stayed with her for about a year and we did some therapy regarding my phobia, but I don't remember much about it and most of it revolved around my r*pe that happened in 2012 (another traumatic event that I am still healing from, as my r*pist continued to stalk me up until last month, even).

Anyways, despite all that when I was 12, I could still eat normally, especially in the summer months. One time, in grade 11, I relapsed really badly, I skipped school for a month and abused Gravol.

When I got into university (where I am now), it was okay for the first 2 years. It's been five years now, and the past few years have been really hard (because of that other traumatic incident from three years ago). I've been seeing a counselor at school for about a year now, but it was hard to focus entirely on the phobia because of other things going on. We did talk about it though in depth at times, but it was mostly just that- talking. We were supposed to begin acting on it, she wanted me to bring food and eat with her and if I got anxious, to communicate that with her. She believed that for me to get over my phobia, if I were to v* again, it should happen in a safe space to counteract what happened when I was younger. I don't know how I felt about that approach...

However, she's been so busy that it's been impossible to meet her. I was getting desperate and I couldn't wait any longer, so I'm seeing a new therapist now. We started last week. This year has been really hard on me in regards to this phobia. In the past 3 months, I've lost 11 pounds (I'm 5'1" and am supposed to weigh around 113 lbs), gained it and lost it again (I'm currently around 102.2 lbs). My period was supposed to start about a week and a half ago and it hasn't. I've been restricting food greatly because I'm too scared to eat, in case I do v*, in case I disassociate, in case I get anxiety (my anxiety has gotten worse over the year).

After my traumatic incident from a few years ago, I didn't heal properly and got worse emotionally/mentally. Then I entered into a 2.5 year relationship that was very stressful and triggered a lot of flashbacks in regards to both of my traumatic events. I recently separated from my partner because it was getting too difficult to handle and it was making me more s*. My anxiety has gotten worse, I've been dealing with excessive stomach acid to the point that I'm afraid I might have an ulcer but I'm too scared to go get it checked because I'm afraid my doctors will become impatient with me and won't take care of me, and if they order an endoscopy (I've had a lot of doctors dismiss me, or just tell me to take antacids, which are fine, but they don't get rid of the acid completely because it comes back because my eating habits are out of whack and I stress a lot).

I've also had to deal with IBS (I'm pretty sure I have that), but it can be managed with a better diet. It's hard though, when you're not eating well.

Anyways, this phobia has greatly restricted my life. I'm too scared to go out, to eat, to take better care of myself. It's obviously been really hard to be in a relationship too, since I'm too scared to eat at other people's houses or eat out. I'm scared of touching surfaces and have OCD. I'm frightened of traveling and being around sick people. Whenever i feel sick, I get a full-blown panic attack, I take Gravol, I cry. I will do whatever I can in my power to not v*. My family has had to deal with a lot, with my fear, my anxiety, my panic attacks but I'm glad they've been so attentive, especially my siblings. My parents don't really understand.

So anyways, I started with a new therapist last week and she's worked with emetophobes before. She told me that she worked with one lady for two years who was a complete emetophobe, she was too scared to even leave her house. But now she's out and goes to work and hasn't needed to see her for four months.

We simply talked in the room and she asked me about my phobia and my life experiences. My homework for this week is to simply notice any thoughts that are emetophobic in nature. Like, any thoughts of fear or anxiety in regards to anything going on. I've noticed a lot of thoughts over the week, like "don't go near that person" or "don't go out, don't touch that". It's been interesting to note how many thoughts there are.

Currently at the moment, I'm actually feeling pretty s* and I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something. It was really cold out today and I had to run errands since my mom hurt her arm and she can't drive, and I was the only driver around, so I kind of had to do it. I also haven't been eating well and I'm really weak. But I've been feeling n* on and off the past few hours and I'm starting to really panic now. I think I might have a fever but I'm not sure. Everyone has gone to sleep and that makes me more scared because I feel so alone. I figured I had to eat something though since I haven't eaten much all day (all I had today was cereal, a granola bar, some nuts and a pear). I just can't figure out why I feel this way and it's really scaring me. I've just been feeling off all day.

I'm going to take a pill if this gets really bad. Anyways, there's my story. Sorry it was so long. If anyone has anything to ask or anything to say, feel free.

[pogopig]

I have nothing helpful to say but I couldn't ignore your story. I'm so sorry for the terrible things that have happened to you. Just remember that you did NOT deserve what happened. It was NOT your fault. I hope you make good progress with your therapy. You deserve some happiness and to be looked after for a change instead of abused. Good luck.

[Rinkosparrow]

I have nothing helpful to say but I couldn't ignore your story. I'm so sorry for the terrible things that have happened to you. Just remember that you did NOT deserve what happened. It was NOT your fault. I hope you make good progress with your therapy. You deserve some happiness and to be looked after for a change instead of abused. Good luck.

Thank you so much for the kind words <3 They made me feel better. I really appreciate it.

[pogopig]

Have you managed to address the emet in therapy yet? When I had CBT it really did take the edge off my fears, so I hope it'll help you too. I also have OCD which can make it even harder to over come the phobia. It can be done though, don't give up.

[Rinkosparrow]

Have you managed to address the emet in therapy yet? When I had CBT it really did take the edge off my fears, so I hope it'll help you too. I also have OCD which can make it even harder to over come the phobia. It can be done though, don't give up.

Yeah, we mostly talk about the emetophobia in therapy, although I have other issues too. But I'm working on those steadily as well, and they also have to do with anxiety. But you're right, CBT does take the edge off things. I've only seen my new therapist twice now, but the homework she's given me seems okay. It's still scary doing some of it, it's like my brain just does not want to accept it and refuses to, and then my body follows suit. For example, she gave me some homework last week and she said one thought that I should practise saying to myself over and over again is "it's not that I'm afraid of being sick, it's that I'm afraid of losing control, it's that I'm afraid of uncertainty". At first, I didn't want to say this to myself. I really resisted because that was scary enough to admit it. But then I would say it to myself when I wasn't full or after I had eaten, and that made it easier to accept. So I wake up and say it, or when I'm hungry, I say it. Sometimes, I've caught myself saying it after I've eaten (but only a little bit). It actually has worked and it's weird...thinking to myself, admitting that it's a fear of loss of control feels more like a relief? I don't know how else to describe it, but it makes more sense. And if I tell myself that it's not really me being scared of being sick, that makes me feel better too. Because then it's like...oh right. I did use to live a life where I wasn't afraid of v*.

But of course, that comes with it's own challenges too. I understand that therapy is all sorts of shades of gray. So sometimes, I say these mantras and they feel calming and strangely empowering. But sometimes, I don't believe them. I think I do have a fear of n* and the physiological symptoms of v* and I'm going to bring that up to my therapist too when I see her next, because I want to know if there's something I can do with that. But we're taking it slow and I appreciate that.

Another piece of homework she gave me was to contemplate and meditate on my life pre-emetophobia and she wants me to realize that I did use to live a life where I wasn't controlled so vehemently by this fear. That's been harder to do because I was a child at that time, and obviously I can't turn back into a child, so that's a bit hard to reconcile with because I don't feel like I connect with that girl anymore. And actually, it's hard to even accept that I used to have a life without emetophobia since it was so long ago. It doesn't even make sense.

The last piece of homework she gave me was taking a walk down the street and lingering there for a bit and then coming back home. This is meant to fight against my fears of going outside in the winter when it's cold (I'm sure everyone on these forums understands that fear, so I don't really have to explain it). I've been staying inside as much as possible, only going outside for necessities (which I'm patting myself on the back for, at least). I still haven't gone for a leisurely walk because it's been so cold outside and I can't seem to get over my fear with that just yet.

In the first week of therapy, all she told me to do was recognize when my emetophobia was speaking in my head. That was hard for me to do because it felt like those thoughts were a part of me. Like, they didn't feel like separate from me, I actually feel like they were a part of my being because I've internalized them so deeply. But all I did in that first week was simply notice them. Not judge them, not deny them or accept them. Just notice them. And over the week, I realize that my emetophobia speaks to everything: meeting people ("don't go near them", "don't shake their hands", etc.), going out ("don't step into that store","don't touch that", "don't sit there", etc.), anything to do with food. It's a lot. I was actually really surprised. And slowly over the week, I just cognitively could remove myself from these thoughts and realize that that was the emet speaking.

Of course, I do sometimes still feel like these emetophobia thoughts are helping me and I need them. I feel like I can't just suddenly abandon everything. But I think it's slowly getting better.

I've been dealing with a lot of excessive acid reflux lately, to the point that I'm not eating properly (no surprise there), and my stomach hurts. I was taking Zantac for a while, but I started getting dependent and I think the effects wore off a bit. So I started drinking fennel tea which helped. However, yesterday I had these milk noodles (they might sound gross, but they're an Indian dessert and I don't know how else to describe them haha) and I guess it was a trigger for me. Today I've been in a lot of pain and I actually thought to myself that I should force myself to v* to stop that pain. I mean, I seriously contemplated it. I didn't really have the bravery or confidence to do it, and if it came down to it, I don't think I could have done it. But I was amazed at how long I didn't panic.

In the end, I didn't v* and I did panic a bit at the thought and I called myself crazy for thinking it in the first place. But, there you go.

I'm really starting to feel hopeful about this. I'm a cautious optimist because I've lived with this for so long and it's hard to imagine not having emetophobia. But I've been reading a lot of articles and doing a lot of research and trying to find stories of people's recovery and it's giving me hope, even if it's slow.

[Rinkosparrow]

I also understand about the OCD. I live with that as well. It also makes things harder, even when we know something is irrational. Also, I always think my replies won't come out long but then they do sorry

[pogopig]

Wow it sounds to me like your therapist knows what she's doing. Stick at it and I'm sure you'll see some positive changes. I think you're right that we're not suddenly going to abandon everything, I think recovery is a slow and difficult process. I mean we can definitely beat this fear, we just have to work at it.

I think it's ok that you can't connect with the pre-emet girl you used to be. I feel the same, as my emet started when I was 11. I can see that it's useful though to remind yourself that you used to live without being controlled by a phobia. I'll try that myself.

As you know (you responded to my post -Been sick, no details) I v*ed yesterday morning, for the first time in about 10 years. Yes it was unpleasant, but nowhere near as bad as we think it's going to be. Have you tried Thrive? I'm thinking about it. This virus has made me even more determined to beat the fear.

[pogopig]

Ha ha, I don't mind your long responses. You've given me some useful therapy tips to try.

[Rinkosparrow]

Wow it sounds to me like your therapist knows what she's doing. Stick at it and I'm sure you'll see some positive changes. I think you're right that we're not suddenly going to abandon everything, I think recovery is a slow and difficult process. I mean we can definitely beat this fear, we just have to work at it.

I think it's ok that you can't connect with the pre-emet girl you used to be. I feel the same, as my emet started when I was 11. I can see that it's useful though to remind yourself that you used to live without being controlled by a phobia. I'll try that myself.

As you know (you responded to my post -Been sick, no details) I v*ed yesterday morning, for the first time in about 10 years. Yes it was unpleasant, but nowhere near as bad as we think it's going to be. Have you tried Thrive? I'm thinking about it. This virus has made me even more determined to beat the fear.

I'm slowly, slowly becoming more hopeful that I can beat this phobia but I have my off days as well. My stomach acid had gotten so bad that I had to go to the hospital yesterday. They said that I'm at a risk for getting an ulcer, so I have to take antacids and eat. That's my problem- eating well. I restrict food because I'm scared I'll v*. But it's gotten to the point that I have to eat more substantially now...because of the pain, I had awful n* yesterday and then when I got home from the hospital, I was starving but didn't want to eat. I ended up dry heaving once and it just happened on its own, but I survived. I didn't even have panic over it, mainly because I wasn't expecting it, I guess. But today I've been nervous that I would dry heave again, or worse, v*. However, I managed to eat better today than I have in a while. I also felt horribly n* twice, but I just let it pass and I drank some water. It was really bad... I'm trying to tell myself these days that no matter what happens, everything will pass. Things can't stay around forever, it's a physical impossibility. And that thought has helped, but sometimes I still feel the fear despite.

I also ended up getting my emet around 11-12 years old. I'm proud of you going through the v* though, that must have been nerve-wracking. Have you already done CBT or therapy? And no, I've never heard of Thrive, what is it?

[Rinkosparrow]

I've also realized that I have a fear over the physical symptoms as well. Like, I know most people on these forums have a phobia around the physical symptoms and the act/thought of v*; for myself, it's the dizziness, the feeling of losing control, the actual feeling of getting sick, and heaving that scares the shit out of me as well. I've read people on these forums saying that the actual act of v* isn't so bad, but I'm wondering if that's true and my phobia is negating those words, or if I just happen to be scared of the symptoms as well. Does that make sense? Like, my mantra for this week is supposed to be "It's not that I'm scared of feeling sick, it's that I'm scared of losing control, I'm scared of uncertainty", and that does make sense and it does make me feel better to admit that. However, I don't know what other mantra I should say to myself about being scared of feeling sick, which I actually think I have a fear of as well.

[pogopig]

I'm sorry you were feeling sick. If you can manage to sort your eating habits out it will help. I know it's scary. As a teenager I didn't eat much at all due to fear of being sick. Yes I was terrified when I realised I was properly ill, but the fear of it was much worse than actually being sick. I have to admit it's shocked me (being sick), I really don't know if it's going to make the phobia better or worse.

I had CBT a few years ago. It wasn't perfect but it definitely helped, I'd always advise people to try CBT. It's not an easy option though is it? You have to be determined and brave to get through it and get the most out of it.

Look up Thrive and emetophobia on Youtube. There's lots of people claiming to be cured of their emet by Thrive. There's also a long presentation by Rob Kelly (founder of Thrive I think) which is worth a watch. He seems to really understand emet more than any therapist I've ever met. There's a book you can get off Amazon 'Cure Your Emetophobia and Thrive'. I've not got it myself so I can't personally recommend it, I'm a bit cynical, but I might get it. Anyway have a look and decide for yourself.

[pogopig]

I think a lot us us are scared of absolutely everything to do with v - all the physical symptoms as well as lack of control and embarrassment. What about saying 'being sick is unpleasant but not that bad, I can get through it.' Something like that.

[Feroz]

i didn't read all your post but it seems you had a very rough life!!