Hey everyone,
I thought I would share with everyone my treatment with emetophobia. I started with a new therapist last week, but I've had some therapy regarding my phobia for a while (it didn't really have the effect I wanted...which was to be rid of it entirely). But I'm hoping it'll work this time around, especially since I am older now and much more aware. (Kind of a long post though)
I thought I should give you some background info, in case it helps anyone out there reading this feel a bit of relief that they're not the only ones out there (disclaimer: some of this might be triggering to some, I apologize in advance. I've hid triggering words with an asterisk (*)).
So to begin, I have severe emetophobia. I've had it since I was 12. I had a traumatic incident when I was 11, my dad took me to a house he was building to safe-guard at night, since there were no locks on the house (basically, he wanted to be the security guard and decided to bring his 11 year-old daughter along, and convinced me it would be "fun"). Once we got there, I realized there was no heating and they had freshly painted the walls. It was also February and snowing outside (I live in Canada). He fell asleep and I lay awake, uncomfortable and wanting to go home. Since I couldn't, I just stayed awake and my mind wandered a lot. I tried sleeping and it didn't work. A few hours into the night, I started feeling n* and I wasn't sure why. But then I started getting scared. I wanted to go home, so I tried waking up my dad and he wouldn't listen to me, he ended up just falling back asleep.
A few hours later, I tried waking him again and I told him I wasn't feeling well and I had to go back home. He was angry that I had waken him up and made him drive me back home. On the drive back, he didn't speak to me at all and I was scared over the way I was feeling and scared that I had made him mad (though I was confused as well). Once I got back home, I sat in front of the toilet for hours because I felt so s*. My mom didn't really help either- all she said was, "go to the bathroom" and basically left me there.
After a while, I began to v* and for the next two or so days, I was bedridden. I would fall asleep, wake up, v* and fall back asleep. That was my routine. I wasn't given any medications and no one took care of me. I was scared whenever I threw up (not sure if there's an abbreviation for that on this site) but obviously I did it anyways because I didn't know any better.
When I got better, I remember feeling absolutely, 100% better and fine. In fact, after it happened, I left the bed and ran to eat apples
Anyways, the next year after that, in the wintertime, I started to feel panic. It just happened on its own. I was in class one day and I walked in and felt really scared that I was going to be sick. I started skipping school and started carrying medication around with me. My parents, especially my dad, didn't understand what was going on, and my dad would force me to go to school. I would starve myself for days, only drinking tea and taking over-the-counter drugs and I lost a lot of weight. And my grandparents, who I live with, would take care of me but because they're from a village in another country, they didn't understand what the real problem was that I was having.
During the year I v*, I had a lot of stressers- I was self-harming myself (I don't anymore), I was depressed (still have depression) and I was getting bullied. I learned in therapy that phobias often develop in childhood if multiple stressers are present. That was certainly the case for me.
For the rest of my adolescence, it was the same thing being recycled- I would eat less in the winter, almost to the point of starving myself if my phobia got really bad and I would get bad anxiety whenever I felt s*. However, I was still able to travel during this time. I would starve myself on planes and I would abuse over-the-counter anti-n* pills, if I could. I would subsist on liquids, if I was able to. I also suffered from a lot of acid reflux and doctors would always just give me pills. If I told them I was having acid reflux because I wasn't eating, they assumed I had anorexia and that the reason I wasn't eating was because I was scared of gaining weight. Instead of referring me to an eating disorder program, they just told me to eat more.
I went to therapy in elementary school for about a year or two, but mostly it focused on my home life and the bullying that was happening to me. I went back to therapy in grade 11 because I was getting bad anxiety in math class. We focused a bit on my phobia then and did an EMDR test, but it didn't really help me. I think it was because I was too scared to really let it help. Then I started with a new counselor in 2012 and I stayed with her for about a year and we did some therapy regarding my phobia, but I don't remember much about it and most of it revolved around my r*pe that happened in 2012 (another traumatic event that I am still healing from, as my r*pist continued to stalk me up until last month, even).
Anyways, despite all that when I was 12, I could still eat normally, especially in the summer months. One time, in grade 11, I relapsed really badly, I skipped school for a month and abused Gravol.
When I got into university (where I am now), it was okay for the first 2 years. It's been five years now, and the past few years have been really hard (because of that other traumatic incident from three years ago). I've been seeing a counselor at school for about a year now, but it was hard to focus entirely on the phobia because of other things going on. We did talk about it though in depth at times, but it was mostly just that- talking. We were supposed to begin acting on it, she wanted me to bring food and eat with her and if I got anxious, to communicate that with her. She believed that for me to get over my phobia, if I were to v* again, it should happen in a safe space to counteract what happened when I was younger. I don't know how I felt about that approach...
However, she's been so busy that it's been impossible to meet her. I was getting desperate and I couldn't wait any longer, so I'm seeing a new therapist now. We started last week. This year has been really hard on me in regards to this phobia. In the past 3 months, I've lost 11 pounds (I'm 5'1" and am supposed to weigh around 113 lbs), gained it and lost it again (I'm currently around 102.2 lbs). My period was supposed to start about a week and a half ago and it hasn't. I've been restricting food greatly because I'm too scared to eat, in case I do v*, in case I disassociate, in case I get anxiety (my anxiety has gotten worse over the year).
After my traumatic incident from a few years ago, I didn't heal properly and got worse emotionally/mentally. Then I entered into a 2.5 year relationship that was very stressful and triggered a lot of flashbacks in regards to both of my traumatic events. I recently separated from my partner because it was getting too difficult to handle and it was making me more s*. My anxiety has gotten worse, I've been dealing with excessive stomach acid to the point that I'm afraid I might have an ulcer but I'm too scared to go get it checked because I'm afraid my doctors will become impatient with me and won't take care of me, and if they order an endoscopy (I've had a lot of doctors dismiss me, or just tell me to take antacids, which are fine, but they don't get rid of the acid completely because it comes back because my eating habits are out of whack and I stress a lot).
I've also had to deal with IBS (I'm pretty sure I have that), but it can be managed with a better diet. It's hard though, when you're not eating well.
Anyways, this phobia has greatly restricted my life. I'm too scared to go out, to eat, to take better care of myself. It's obviously been really hard to be in a relationship too, since I'm too scared to eat at other people's houses or eat out. I'm scared of touching surfaces and have OCD. I'm frightened of traveling and being around sick people. Whenever i feel sick, I get a full-blown panic attack, I take Gravol, I cry. I will do whatever I can in my power to not v*. My family has had to deal with a lot, with my fear, my anxiety, my panic attacks but I'm glad they've been so attentive, especially my siblings. My parents don't really understand.
So anyways, I started with a new therapist last week and she's worked with emetophobes before. She told me that she worked with one lady for two years who was a complete emetophobe, she was too scared to even leave her house. But now she's out and goes to work and hasn't needed to see her for four months.
We simply talked in the room and she asked me about my phobia and my life experiences. My homework for this week is to simply notice any thoughts that are emetophobic in nature. Like, any thoughts of fear or anxiety in regards to anything going on. I've noticed a lot of thoughts over the week, like "don't go near that person" or "don't go out, don't touch that". It's been interesting to note how many thoughts there are.
Currently at the moment, I'm actually feeling pretty s* and I'm not sure if I'm coming down with something. It was really cold out today and I had to run errands since my mom hurt her arm and she can't drive, and I was the only driver around, so I kind of had to do it. I also haven't been eating well and I'm really weak. But I've been feeling n* on and off the past few hours and I'm starting to really panic now. I think I might have a fever but I'm not sure. Everyone has gone to sleep and that makes me more scared because I feel so alone. I figured I had to eat something though since I haven't eaten much all day (all I had today was cereal, a granola bar, some nuts and a pear). I just can't figure out why I feel this way and it's really scaring me. I've just been feeling off all day.
I'm going to take a pill if this gets really bad. Anyways, there's my story. Sorry it was so long. If anyone has anything to ask or anything to say, feel free.