How does your partner deal with your emet?

[thecheesecake17]

Pretty sure I've posted something on these lines but I'm curious as to how your SO copes with your stomach problems/emet. I currently have both and am struggling immensely at the moment (I've posted way too many times on here this year already!) And it has come to my attention that it's having a substantial effect on our relationship. I get the feeling that it's affecting us more as my reflux problem worsens, whereas if I had zero stomach problems I wouldn't even make a big deal if someone threw up in front of us....but these days, I am in this cycle;

Wake up - eat - weird stomach - sometimes panic and general anxiety - go to town or Uni together - cuddles and dinner - anxious about my stomach - awkward bedtime cuddles as I become more isolated due to what I feel - sleep.

Whereas it used to look more like wake up - eat - great day together - dinner - more good times - even better times watching TV in bed - sleep.

Today he took me for dinner and I'm still shook up by my n* attack on Friday so I've been eating very abstract portions and didn't dare order a burger or anything sizeable. Instead I sat there with a plate of chips, even the waitress said "is that all ? Are you sure?" And he was there, ready to order me my usual big burger, waffles and coke but I just cannot be a girlfriend at the moment and it leaves me wondering if he's gonna leave me :/ ...I can tell he's patient but I see it in his eyes that he thinks I don't love him, when this fear has become my only dedication. I try and explain...but he continually kept making jokes about "How I can make my girlfriend fall back in love with me"... It made me mad as Ive explained my emet and stomach problems to him for over a year and it's like he still doesn't get it. When he's sick, he is very very cool about the whole thing. He cried when he got noro last year though so when I'm bad, I remind him that what he had once last year, I feel I have almost everyday. Then he gets it...

Sorry guys. Feeling like emet is winning so much these days.
Any insight?

[pinki1983]

hello thats a hard one isnt it my husband says he understands my phobia etc and says will help me but if my daughters are ill and i want to try and front my phobia by standing outside door for reassurance he shouts at me and says if you dont like it go dont need a show etc and i feel he dont understand me at all. I have asked him to read some stories on here to see that other people are like me and im not strange etc but i think he reads up feels sorry for me hugs me then next time it the same all over again. Thats why i am so glad i found this site so have people who understand me to talk to. It does ruin our relationship at times as he had a bad headache once (once in the 10 years together) and vomited all down stairs as wasnt quick enough to bathroom. He has a stressful job which causes headaches if he comes home with one i make him sleep in spare room which is quite often. I don't think he means to be this way just dosent understand how something like this affects me so much x

[Afdpt]

Best thing is to continue open conversations about it. My husband has always been my biggest supporter. He's known about my phobia since we've been dating and basically he deals with it by being g supportive but not coddling me either. He's there for me and doesn't dismiss my fears as being silly but he also pushes me to do normal things and not allow my life and our relationship to be run by the fear. He's tough on me in a good way. When my phobia was bad and I wouldn't want to eat, he never let me feel like that was ok. He was understanding that my fear was real but also pushed for my health by encouraging me to eat all the time. If I was having an actual panic attack and couldn't eat he wasn't mean and making me feel bad about it but if I was just feeling very anxious and iffy about eating he'd push it. It's one of the things that helped me realize that food actually made me feel better almost 100% of the time.

[anna81]

My husband doesn't really care! He knows about it but hasn't got much sympathy (if any)!

[tiredofitall]

My husband is a martyr and will power through any illness, injury, etc. and expects everyone else to do the same. He knows I hate v but has no idea that I have an actual phobia and we've been married for 26 years! I just keep it from him and deal with it myself. He's not going to be of any help anyway and to be honest, when I feel really ill and/or anxious I just want to be alone anyway. He was good about dealing with the kids when they were young and would v, but that's the extent of his sympathy. I've learned over the years that I'm alone in this.

[thecheesecake17]

My husband is a martyr and will power through any illness, injury, etc. and expects everyone else to do the same. He knows I hate v but has no idea that I have an actual phobia and we've been married for 26 years! I just keep it from him and deal with it myself. He's not going to be of any help anyway and to be honest, when I feel really ill and/or anxious I just want to be alone anyway. He was good about dealing with the kids when they were young and would v, but that's the extent of his sympathy. I've learned over the years that I'm alone in this.

This is my new goal, to keep it to myself! But how did you deal with your kids? Did you just get on with it?
To be honest I never really admitted I had it until he saw this in my history in the searchbar and I had to explain although I was so humiliated I told him 'I have general health anxiety and if inhave a headache I'll panic' but I'm sure he's googled the E word :/

I get the alone thing too to be honest, my best friend(who's also emet) told me yesterday "You know what, I always have to have someone there when I'm gonna be sick cos it calms me"... But I couldn't agree less. I just wanna go to a hole and die alone when it's just me!

[Miss_Pink24]

My husband kind of "gets it", but I don't think he really knows what it is like for me. I mean the only time it is a genuine issue is if he has been sick and/or I have real nausea. Like he got what we believe to be food poisoning once and he was really scared; could I be there to comfort and help him though, no I couldn't. I just hid downstairs and text him the next morning with all of these questions. We were not married at the time, but I felt like a totally shitty fiancée that I could not be there for him when he really wanted me. Day to day emetophobia does not really affect me so it is not really an issue for him. I have told him that I am worried about having kids, but he just says things like "that'll definitely get you over it". Which may be true, but it is not the most helpful of responses.

[alesh31]

I don't think I'd be able to hide my phobia from my partner. My last partner was an emet himself which was both good and bad. If I felt ill he was always empathetic and knew how to comfort me but at the same time kept his distance because he was afraid of catching something himself. My current bf is sweet with me. Sometimes he gets annoyed with me about it but we've sort of gotten to the point where he can make me laugh about it/ make me realize how silly some of my afraid moments are, which helps. But he always plays the process of elimination game with me where we'll figure out what's ailing me and come to the conclusion that I won't v. Having a bf who is supportive and who understands all this is definitely a must for me!

[thecheesecake17]

Very interesting guys, thanks.
We had a row recently as he has quite severe moodswings when he's stressed(we are quite busy at uni) and I've had to put up with him being angry, short-tempered, immature and generally hard work and when I tried calmly telling him, he went on to say my anxiety attacks are worse....so I'm not sure if it's fair? I try to hide it now as he uses it in his defense but I don't think it's fair as my anxiety only strikes up when I'm n* and that isn't even the same thing..is it? Ahhh whatever. I hope he can become more supportive

[CMM811]

Honestly my husband didn't "get it" until we had some deep deep marriage therapy sessions. Then he understood it more. But for the most part I'm pretty normal until someone is sick or something like that, then panic sets in. I try to not let anyone know about my panic, I see it through and "walk" away from it like a boss and go about my day. Yes I have bad bad bad days and I have bad days but I try to have more good then bad. I read a quote on Pinterest that said something like we are only given one life, we chose how to live it. So I try hard to stay with that quote, don't get my wrong v* is my ultimate fear, but I do my best to not let it control my life or my families lives. Also when my hubby and I got together I told him I don't do puke. He said I don't do poop. We shook on it. Should have spit and shook but that may have been too extreme 😜. So for the most part he gets it he helps when he can, but typically he doesn't know my off days, he doesn't know when I have n* from my pms or from something I ate. Maybe a few days later I may tell him but I do my best to conquer it myself and live my life, not let the fear live my life.

[thecheesecake17]

Honestly my husband didn't "get it" until we had some deep deep marriage therapy sessions. Then he understood it more. But for the most part I'm pretty normal until someone is sick or something like that, then panic sets in. I try to not let anyone know about my panic, I see it through and "walk" away from it like a boss and go about my day. Yes I have bad bad bad days and I have bad days but I try to have more good then bad. I read a quote on Pinterest that said something like we are only given one life, we chose how to live it. So I try hard to stay with that quote, don't get my wrong v* is my ultimate fear, but I do my best to not let it control my life or my families lives. Also when my hubby and I got together I told him I don't do puke. He said I don't do poop. We shook on it. Should have spit and shook but that may have been too extreme 😜. So for the most part he gets it he helps when he can, but typically he doesn't know my off days, he doesn't know when I have n* from my pms or from something I ate. Maybe a few days later I may tell him but I do my best to conquer it myself and live my life, not let the fear live my life.

I think it's the best way, you've obviously done well because you're married and you've obviously not drove him insane, you seem to keep it subtle...I'm trying that too but the balance is hard, I am with my bf everyday as we live and study together so any strange personality I show if I feel n* or generally unwell', I can tell he knows but I don't wanna lie and be like "I'm fine!". Hard one. The majority of replies seem to keep it to themselves so maybe I'll try to!

[Amandaalee1]

My fiancé has known about my emet since we started dating. He also saw my phone history and saw this website and I was so embarrassed but at least now he knows I'm not the ONLY person in the world with this fear and that there's actually a lot of people who deal with this. He got annoyed because I wouldn't ever eat meat and I would wake him up in the middle of the night because I was having a panic attack. He finally convinced me to go to my doctor and get on depression/anxiety medicine, which has helped SO much with panic attacks. He's semi-supportive but nobody will ever completely understand unless you have this fear. I'm so thankful for this website and people who understand!!

[JasonJ]

Totally understand, my phobia's seemed to be winning lately too. How my girlfriend can handle it is beyond me, but I'm lucky as can be for it. :/

[JadeNight]

I don't think my girlfriend knew a lot of my emetophobia when we first started dating due to me being recovered for the most part. It wasn't a major part of my life that I felt it necessary to introduce. However in October she got sick (alcohol) and I sat inside her bedroom blasting music and panicking. I felt like such a jerk. I then told her about my phobia. About two months later she got sick again (alcohol, again lol) and I sat with her in the bathroom - I actually wrote about that experience on here.

However the real deal was about two and a half weeks ago when I contracted norovirus and I was up most of the night getting sick. I was a mess. I just wanted it to stop and I was embarrassed but she took very good care of me and handled me crying and my panicking with grace. Since that day I am still hearing about it going around my state and it makes me nervous. I have begun washing my hands a lot more often when I used to be so recovered, I wouldn't care. So it's been kind of a tough road with me but she has been very amazing and understanding. She doesn't judge me and reminds me that I won't get sick again and that I'm okay.

[thecheesecake17]

I'm so sorry jadenight - that sucks. Any advice on how it was made easier? I know that sounds silly....

However the point is you kinda won over emet cos you took care of your gf! When my ex passed out/got sick from alcohol I ran to my room and was very angry at him, a little unfair on my part as he never drinks cos he knows I hated it...

I just read my original post on this thread and hate to say, I broke up with him....I don't wanna think emet contributed to it but I think it did. My last memories of the house we shared of me constantly panicking. I kinda wish I never told him about it cos I know he will share this with his friends probably :/
Sigh.....

Amazingly though, I won't get cocky but since I finished with him my stomachs been great...strange.

Interesting replies guys

[cbrink816]

My husband is as supportive as he can be. He doesn't understand my emet. He doesn't see why I get so scared and why my anxiety is so bad, but when it is bad, he is always there to try to calm me down. He will drop everything to hold me and try to get me to feel better, but if I need space he knows to give me that too. I'm very lucky because I think it's better that he is so calm doesn't get worked up about v* and d* because if he did, we'd be freaking each other out. Lol

[Shubertgoddess]

Mine doesnt really know. Even after 7 years. I have IBS AND anxiety, so basically he attributes any stomach issues to my "bad stomach" and if I'm bugging out, it's anxiety. He never asks what Im bugging out over and if he does, I usually just play along and tell him "i dont know what makes me anxious". Its easier than the conversation about an irrational fear since he has a real problem understanding irrational fears. We did touch on it slightly, when I got food poisoning last year. He was super cool about it and was like if it happens it happens and you'll be okay and we'll deal with it (i never did V*, as a friend brought me zofran, but I wound up being sick for like 3 days).

I have noticed though, the worse my anxiety is, generally (it ebbs and flows over the years. Sometimes it's non existent and sometimes it's an everyday struggle), the worse my emet is. In the last two years, both have been especially bad, after at last 5 years of neither being too bad. But that can also be directly linked to more stress in my life now, than there was then. Whether you believe it or not, everything is linked!

[Shubertgoddess]

Pretty sure I've posted something on these lines but I'm curious as to how your SO copes with your stomach problems/emet. I currently have both and am struggling immensely at the moment (I've posted way too many times on here this year already!) And it has come to my attention that it's having a substantial effect on our relationship. I get the feeling that it's affecting us more as my reflux problem worsens, whereas if I had zero stomach problems I wouldn't even make a big deal if someone threw up in front of us....but these days, I am in this cycle;

Wake up - eat - weird stomach - sometimes panic and general anxiety - go to town or Uni together - cuddles and dinner - anxious about my stomach - awkward bedtime cuddles as I become more isolated due to what I feel - sleep.

Whereas it used to look more like wake up - eat - great day together - dinner - more good times - even better times watching TV in bed - sleep.

Today he took me for dinner and I'm still shook up by my n* attack on Friday so I've been eating very abstract portions and didn't dare order a burger or anything sizeable. Instead I sat there with a plate of chips, even the waitress said "is that all ? Are you sure?" And he was there, ready to order me my usual big burger, waffles and coke but I just cannot be a girlfriend at the moment and it leaves me wondering if he's gonna leave me :/ ...I can tell he's patient but I see it in his eyes that he thinks I don't love him, when this fear has become my only dedication. I try and explain...but he continually kept making jokes about "How I can make my girlfriend fall back in love with me"... It made me mad as Ive explained my emet and stomach problems to him for over a year and it's like he still doesn't get it. When he's sick, he is very very cool about the whole thing. He cried when he got noro last year though so when I'm bad, I remind him that what he had once last year, I feel I have almost everyday. Then he gets it...

Sorry guys. Feeling like emet is winning so much these days.
Any insight?

Is there a way you can talk to him about this? Put it all on the table? I know for me, it makes it worse when he has the expectation of what our day is going to be like (because for everyone else this is a non issue) and then either my stomach issues or emet or anxiety get in the way. More often than not, it's anxiety or my IBS (which are often directly linked).

We didnt talk about either for a long time. And for a long time he didnt even know I had anxiety. Actually, he didnt even know until last year that I had IBS and we've been together 7 years. But as my IBS has gotten worse - Im one of those lucky ones who has both IBS-C and IBS-D and it's just the luck of the draw which one it decides to be each week - I felt like he HAD to know. Him not knowing and me being weird about it or always seeming "sick" to him, was putting a wedge between us. The stomach issues he understands. He had intestinal surgery in college so he has similar stomach problems. The anxiety, he's still working to understand. Bless him, he tries. But it's so hard to understand when you dont know what it's like to basically feel like the world and everything inside your brain is suffocating you.

After lots and lots of difficult discussion, he has started to understand.... at the very least, he's started to understand what he can do to help me, and what he should not do, even if he thinks he's helping. More often than not, that means just leaving me be and not asking a bunch of questions until I have calmed down a little and can hold a conversation. When I can hold a conversation, start talking to me and have me tell you a story or tell you about something that happened. Ask questions and stay engaged and eventually, it's like it melts away.

BUT - this isnt about me. The point of that story was that we HAD to have the hard conversation so he didnt think it was him. I had to tell him things that embarrassed me or that I didnt really want to share, because it was more important to me that he kind of understood what was going on in my head and that he KNEW it wasn't him and it wasnt our relationship. It is NOT an easy conversation to have; but it IS important. Now if you have kind of had the conversation, but not gotten very deep into it, perhaps its time for that to happen. You HAVE to get deep for him to REALLY get it. If he's a good guy - and he sounds like he is - he'll be willing to work with you and understand.

[AyeeAllison]

I'm extremely thankful my boyfriend, as well as many of my friends are understanding about my phobia. I went to Louisiana over spring break because my boyfriends best friend turned 21. He got SO drunk (as most 21year olds do) and we went to a fast food restaurant because of course it's perfect drunk food and he lost it in the parking lot and I had the worst panic attack in the car. His girlfriend talked me through it (she is such a a sweetheart. I thank god she helped me so well) and I was okay after that until the next morning. He was still sick when we came back to their house and we were going to go to lunch even though he still was sick. He had a trash can in the car and I lied about having a migraine so I wouldn't have to go and so I wouldn't have to be around him because even though he's great, I just can't be around someone if I know there going to be sick. You all completely understand where I'm coming from but I just felt horrible coming up with that lie to protect myself from this crazy phobia. It's hell on earth at times, but I've come to realize it's just who I am and I'm just going to have to deal with it for a while until I get the courage to do therapy (attempted it once, had a horrible experience.) just make sure your partner knows that this isn't a choice, you aren't choosing to act this way, it's just how you are and its nothing to be ridiculed for and you shouldn't feel ashamed about it. It's not easy as it's not a common phobia like flying but it's still a real phobia and it deserves as much knowledge and education from partners, friends, and family. Wishing you all the best! Always here to talk if you need it!

[katiesummmerfield]

My boyfriend is seriously the best, we've been dating almost 3 years and I can't remember when I told
Him about emet but he is seriously SO supportive. Whenever I'm feeling anxious and I wanna go on the forums I tell him "hey I need to read my website for a little" and he goes "okay can I read with you" and I've actually shown him some posts on here and he totally gets it. I've been having a lot of panic attacks emet related lately and he's always there to talk me down and reassure me that I won't be sick. Last week we were out with one of his friends, and his friend kept talking about this one time he made himself v* as a joke and my boyfriend pulled me aside and was like "should I tell him to stop talking about that?? I'm gonna go tell him to stop I know it's making you anxious". Seriously bless his soul, I am so lucky to have a partner who understands completely