I am scared

[Eszter Szabó]

Hello!
I'm new in this site but in reality I have this pfobia since the age 10. Now I am 18 but nothing changed. When my mother first noticed that there is something wrong with me it was too late, I constantly thought about suicide, because I thought that I am a freak who does everything wrong. My mother and I went to a psychiatrist who said there is nothing wrong with me and I have only depression because I was bullied in school for years before we went to her. She gave me Xanax and Escitalopramon and I had them for years. When I became 18 in 2015... So last year I needed to change doctor because I wasn't a child anymore. The new doc said the same and I had the same medicines too.


Now I had enough because I want to live my life like before this fear. I told my mother that I want to find a psychologist who will really help me and I think we found one. But I am very scared because he game me a "mission" (sorry if I made a mistake, I am hungarian), that I need to eat in school every day for two weeks and I need to write about my feelings and thoughts when I eat there. The thing is I haven't eaten in school since this fear started and in middle school I haven't eaten at all. So I am very scared, because I fear if I eat then I will get anxious and I am going to be s**k. I have made the decision that I am going to try everything, because I am the only one who can make a change, but I fear even now.

Sorry, it is very long, but I needed to talk to someone who actually understands what I feel and not just says that he/she understands.

[jessica.leigh]

Welcome Eszter!

While I don't think this idea is the healthiest, it really helps me in those situations. For me, probably about half the time I eat I feel some kind of discomfort after, whether it's mild n*, indigestion, digestive upset, etc. When I'm feeling particularly anxious, I'll often eat foods that I know aren't going to give me food poisoning or be as likely to upset my stomach. For example, rather than a plate of enchiladas or sushi, I'd have some peanut butter crackers, banana, and a string cheese. Sometimes it helps me feel less anxious to know that the food I ate will not give me food poisoning and I can just concentrate on my anxiety being caused by ME, and it can be easier to get past that anxious feeling.

Good luck! You can do this!

[andee]

Hi and welcome. I remember doing the same thing when I was in school, many years ago. I actually ate lunch in my guidance counselor's office for a while, then had a friend eat with me too. And yes, eating "safe" foods that you like and won't worry about is also helpful. And I always read when I am eating to keep my mind off it. Maybe you could do some of those things. I would definitely try what you are asked. He probably wants you to acknowledge how you are feeling and then slowly work on those feelings. And the more you eat at school, the easier it will get. Good luck!! Hope we can help you in the future!!

[thecheesecake17]

I also stick to a diet of bland foods when I'm alone(not eating at home with my family) and it does help ALOT, especially cos ALOT of bland foods are starchier and help with any acid indigestion. Problem is is that it's not too healthy having the same of one thing.... I spend my days at university constipated cos I eat a diet of white bread, mackrel, tuna, pasta and bananas. Like literally...I'm even scared of cheese sometimes.... Whereas at home for some reason I eat EVERYTHING under the sun and believe I'll be OK cos I'm safe with my parents.

Take some cheese and crackers and bananas to start with, its highly unlikely you'll ever get sick from these....even if you do, this is the food doctors suggest to recover.

[Eszter Szabó]

I am very thankful for your responses and I am sorry I did not write before.

The two weeks I had the mission for came and went and yes I was scared, it was amazing. My classmates saw me eat for the first time in three years and they were so surprised and happy (some of them know about my fear), and I was so happy, too. My best friend was just amazing, when I did not eat she was like an angel and she was always there for me, she ate with me. Yes, there where times when I felt very s***, but one or one and a half hour later I felt totally fine.

Yeah, at home I eat everything... like at home I am like an eating machine and now at college I eat anything, too, but I can remember my first week in college, it was very bad, I constantly feared of eating in front of everybody, but then I thought/felt that I am very hungry and it changed. It is now like a second home to me where I can eat as easily as with my parents. Now I really started to have a war with my fear, because I want to live my life like I lived before when I was a little girl and in one and a half month summer comes and I won't have school for two months. I made plans that I will go to places I am scared of, because for example I never was on a party before, because I fear that I am going to be s*** in front of everyone, or going to cinema (I was there two times: 1,with my mother and I had a great time, I felt with her very safe, I wasn't s*** at all,2.I was with my brother and his girlfriend, but I was very anx****,because of her and the others in the room I needed to go out). I will try to eat in public as much as I can and yes I know that two months won't make my fear go away, but maybe I can change somethings.