Desperate to overcome this

[MissK]

Hi all,
I'm writing from a place of desperation as I feel like Emetophobia has taken over my life. I'm sure many others have been in my exact position and feel like they've come to the end of the road. I just need to write to get this out and talk to someone about it.

I've had this ridiculous fear since I was about 11 which was also the last time I was sick. I'm 26 now. I was wrongly diagnosed of an eating disorder at 11 as I stopped eating because I didn't want to be sick. I managed to snap myself out of it and start eating again when my parents brought in a therapist to get me to eat food again. Throughout my teenage years I didn't think about the fear too much except for when I felt sick which luckily wasn't very often. I moved to the other side of the world about 9 months ago to get some overseas work experience and since then, this phobia has taken over my life. When I first arrived in London, I was quite anxious having never been to such a big city (I'm from NZ). One day, as I was on the usual sardine packed train, I heard someone near me being sick which gave me the worse panic attack of my life. I had to get off the train and could hardly walk because my legs were like jelly. Since then, my anxiety has been at an all time high and I now think about being sick nearly 24/7. I have since quit my job because I would have a panic attack every time I set foot on a train. I then started having panic attacks all day at work. It all got too much and I was barely functioning. I am now working from home but unfortunately things have not got better as some days I'm scared to even leave the house in case I have to be sick (my rational mind tells me this is absolutely ridiculous!).

I have decided to go back to my home country as London was never really the place for me anyway. I am of course now freaking out about the 25 hours of flying I have to get through to make it back home. I am so sick of this stupid phobia. No matter what I'm doing, somehow my mind always finds a way to worry about it. The only time I have minor relief is when I'm exercising. I know this phobia is completely in my mind but I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. Just the thought of having to be sick scares me SO much. I genuinely don't think I can handle it. Other people being sick also scares me if it's somewhere I can't escape immediately (ie. a packed train!). Being sick is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I fall asleep. I've become an obsessive hand washer and always carry hand sanitizer with me. I also carry crystallised ginger and indigestion tablets with me if I have to go out somewhere. I am really exhausted and over this. I am flying out in about 6 weeks and want to feel calm and relaxed rather than have a panic attack for 25 hours. When I flew here I was fine and quite relaxed but now I don't think that's the case as my anxiety is so so high all the time. I'm trying to tell myself if I was able to do it and be calm all the way here then I should be able to do it on the way back.

I've heard of the 'Cure your Emetophobia and Thrive' book - has anyone had any success with this? Or any other programme/therapy for that matter? ANY help at all would be greatly appreciated.

[thecheesecake17]

Hey

I am terribly sorry you're going through this battle every single damn day. What I can say, though, is that I think you've thought about your emet THAT much that you're playing out a fantasy of what this 'horror' is gonna be like for you when actually, on a scale of 1/10 of worst things in the world, I don't think v* would be ten if you really analysed it. You seem fully aware of the rational and irrational and I think you need to just let it go cos whether you're sick or not, the absolute panic about it will make it ten times worse....think about the last time you were n*...what was going through your mind? We're you thinking overload about what might eventually happen or how uncomfortable you are...most likely the first...you seem to be stable enough to know your anxious mind is playing games with you and yep, it happens but I really think you'll power through this in the right mindset

I'm not gonna stand up and say I'm cured but I was exactly as you are in 2007/2008/2009 after my mum came down with a bug of some sort in '08 and I would stay indoors for a week even if I felt sick for ten minutes. But....and this was scary....(trigger) December 1,2009 was my night. I fought it off for five hours and told myself it was anxiety but the more I lied to myself the more the fever went up and the next thing I knew I did THE gag. The gag which always happens before I v* (from what I remember when I was a kid) ...yep, I wretched for a good hour. Amazingly, I didn't quite manage to v* but believe me I was exceptionally close and I casually faced the fear..turns out I was very sick with influenza and I got the type which causes v* from high temperature..I was very angry haha and stomping my foot saying "why me!" ...I was 16 at this point and to see what I've made myself depresses me...I was so confident back then...I freaked as each hour got worse but I soldiered on and when the moment came I thought of Beyonce and how she would cope, this may help you in the very worst case scenario - picture yourself as a hero, one who isn't phased so much by something like n*.

However, deep down in me I feel someone exactly as you - but I applaud you for moving all the way to the UK and even considering travelling cos I'm petrified. I wanna be as you are - you don't see how inspiring you are! That's like my ultimate dream and every little battle you win against emet - you're stronger everyday.
Do you feel n* ALOT? If not, ID really really truly fixate on the better things in life. Since I altered my diet a little and cut out stresses in my life, the n* has died down...as has my emet-brain....sure, I wanna kill myself in bad times of feeling rough but, believe me when I say this, I went around 200 days from "oooooo morning. Oh damn - v*. Will I face it today?" ---->>>>> "oooooo morning. Ah! I have that nice cereal today! AND I get to see my parents and little parakeet!" ....the recovery? Honestly? Fixating ALL your energy on anything BUT V*.... I wont lie, I'm still underweight and hate food scenarios unless it's bread or crackers but..for the most part, my day revolves around my favourite things, not my least.

Message me if you're struggling

[yesIamabadger]

Hi MissK,
I have had the phobia since I was about 8, because I remember some particular awful times when I did V*. However, I also recall a time when I felt sick and was sure I would be, but approached it calmly and didn't freak out, and I can hardly remember that time because it went so smoothly that I hardly remembered it.
I found out about the 'Cure Your Emetophobia and Thrive' book and was desperate to buy it. Now being 3/4 through the book and I am already feeling better. I realised that the reason the times I was sick and struggled have stuck with me, is because of that struggle. I freaked out and shouldn't have done because realising it now, the times when I didn't struggle, I made the whole situation less dramatic and the experience wasn't all that bad, I got over it, and forgot it. The book has taught me that I find these experiences traumatic because I THINK they are, if I choose not to think of them as traumatic, and don't freak out, they are sooooo much easier to cope with, then I move on and forget what happened in no time.

I really recommend the book.

I hope all goes dandy for you

[MissK]

Thanks so much for responding thecheesecake17

You're right, I can rationally say that it is not the worse thing in the world even if I can get so worked up thinking about it and making it out to be the worse possible thing. I used to tell myself, if other people are capable of casually doing it then why not me? I was most definitely thinking about the worse possible situation the last time I felt n*.

It's amazing you were able to bring yourself to do 'the gag'. I can very much relate when you say you were so confident at 16. Even when I was about 11 - the last time I v*, I remember being scared but I was standing over the toilet telling myself 'It's ok, this happens to everyone, you can do it' and managed to do it twice. But now.. I feel like I need to get that confidence back! I like the idea of envisioning myself as a hero, remaining calm in all situations no matter what.

My phobia has really only become very severe since I moved here 9 months ago because my anxiety is so high. I moved here with my boyfriend which helped immensely but I never really thought about v* 24/7 as I do now. I'm quite sure you would be capable of travelling too! You sound like you're doing quite well. For me, it helps travelling with someone else to calm/distract me. I always make sure I book a window seat as it feels more 'private' as no one can really see me and I can huddle up against the window to sleep. The view above the clouds also serves as a nice distraction
I usually feel n* when I'm anxious, it kind of seems to be every second day - funnily enough the days where I don't get much exercise. I go to a climbing gym every second day as this is one of the only things keeping me sane right now.. and gets me out of the house. Like you, I have altered my diet and have cut a lot of stresses out too. I'm just waiting to move back to my home country to see my family/friends again which I think will help a lot in getting my anxiety down.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I read this a few days ago when you posted it but only got around to responding now. I've felt so much better since reading this though, it helps to know other people are/have been through a similar experience.

Hey

I am terribly sorry you're going through this battle every single damn day. What I can say, though, is that I think you've thought about your emet THAT much that you're playing out a fantasy of what this 'horror' is gonna be like for you when actually, on a scale of 1/10 of worst things in the world, I don't think v* would be ten if you really analysed it. You seem fully aware of the rational and irrational and I think you need to just let it go cos whether you're sick or not, the absolute panic about it will make it ten times worse....think about the last time you were n*...what was going through your mind? We're you thinking overload about what might eventually happen or how uncomfortable you are...most likely the first...you seem to be stable enough to know your anxious mind is playing games with you and yep, it happens but I really think you'll power through this in the right mindset

I'm not gonna stand up and say I'm cured but I was exactly as you are in 2007/2008/2009 after my mum came down with a bug of some sort in '08 and I would stay indoors for a week even if I felt sick for ten minutes. But....and this was scary....(trigger) December 1,2009 was my night. I fought it off for five hours and told myself it was anxiety but the more I lied to myself the more the fever went up and the next thing I knew I did THE gag. The gag which always happens before I v* (from what I remember when I was a kid) ...yep, I wretched for a good hour. Amazingly, I didn't quite manage to v* but believe me I was exceptionally close and I casually faced the fear..turns out I was very sick with influenza and I got the type which causes v* from high temperature..I was very angry haha and stomping my foot saying "why me!" ...I was 16 at this point and to see what I've made myself depresses me...I was so confident back then...I freaked as each hour got worse but I soldiered on and when the moment came I thought of Beyonce and how she would cope, this may help you in the very worst case scenario - picture yourself as a hero, one who isn't phased so much by something like n*.

However, deep down in me I feel someone exactly as you - but I applaud you for moving all the way to the UK and even considering travelling cos I'm petrified. I wanna be as you are - you don't see how inspiring you are! That's like my ultimate dream and every little battle you win against emet - you're stronger everyday.
Do you feel n* ALOT? If not, ID really really truly fixate on the better things in life. Since I altered my diet a little and cut out stresses in my life, the n* has died down...as has my emet-brain....sure, I wanna kill myself in bad times of feeling rough but, believe me when I say this, I went around 200 days from "oooooo morning. Oh damn - v*. Will I face it today?" ---->>>>> "oooooo morning. Ah! I have that nice cereal today! AND I get to see my parents and little parakeet!" ....the recovery? Honestly? Fixating ALL your energy on anything BUT V*.... I wont lie, I'm still underweight and hate food scenarios unless it's bread or crackers but..for the most part, my day revolves around my favourite things, not my least.

Message me if you're struggling

[MissK]

Hi yeslamabadger,

Like you, I think past experiences when I was a child have made it unnecessarily traumatic when it doesn't need to be as it's just a normal bodily function. My mum has a stomach ulcer and was always very anxious, this combination meant she was sick quite often especially when she was stressed out. I remember an ambulance turning up to our house once because my mum couldn't stop v* We also went on a short 3 hour flight before and my mum was so anxious she was in the toilet v* nearly the entire flight. So I have always associated it with these horrible experiences. Considering this, my mum handled it all very well and to her v* is nothing as I guess she got used to it.

I've heard many good things about that book, so I'm thinking I'll invest in it. It sounds like it's helped you tremendously.

Thanks so much for your message. It's really encouraging to hear from people who are overcoming this phobia and know that it's possible to get through it.

Hi MissK,
I have had the phobia since I was about 8, because I remember some particular awful times when I did V*. However, I also recall a time when I felt sick and was sure I would be, but approached it calmly and didn't freak out, and I can hardly remember that time because it went so smoothly that I hardly remembered it.
I found out about the 'Cure Your Emetophobia and Thrive' book and was desperate to buy it. Now being 3/4 through the book and I am already feeling better. I realised that the reason the times I was sick and struggled have stuck with me, is because of that struggle. I freaked out and shouldn't have done because realising it now, the times when I didn't struggle, I made the whole situation less dramatic and the experience wasn't all that bad, I got over it, and forgot it. The book has taught me that I find these experiences traumatic because I THINK they are, if I choose not to think of them as traumatic, and don't freak out, they are sooooo much easier to cope with, then I move on and forget what happened in no time.

I really recommend the book.

I hope all goes dandy for you

[mvrbchd]

Hi MissK,

I don't have a lot of encouragement for you but just wanted to say you aren't alone. I also moved to the UK 7 months ago and ever since I moved here my phobia has become completely overwhelming, to the point that I will not longer get on a bus but will walk hours per day if I have to, to get to work or wherever it is that I'm going. I bought the Thrive book but haven't finished it as of yet. Hopefully we can beat this thing eventually! I'm really sorry you are having to go through this as well.

Melanie

[MissK]

Hi Melanie,

It's always nice to know we're not alone in these situations. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has found moving to another country very overwhelming! I find London especially crazy due to the amount of people here (my city only has 1 million). I got to a stage where I stopped getting public transport all together as well. I have managed to get back on the train just to go a few stops so I can go to the gym as I refuse to let my anxiety it stop me from doing this. Although I do not enjoy the short 10 minute journey on the train, I'm always fine on the way back after I've exercised as it makes me feel quite relaxed.

I've decided I'm going to purchase the Thrive book too. I'm certain we can both overcome this! If you really want something, then nothing can get in your way. I'm sorry you're going through this too, but from what you've said I feel like I can completely empathise with you as it sounds like we're in similar situations.

Hi MissK,

I don't have a lot of encouragement for you but just wanted to say you aren't alone. I also moved to the UK 7 months ago and ever since I moved here my phobia has become completely overwhelming, to the point that I will not longer get on a bus but will walk hours per day if I have to, to get to work or wherever it is that I'm going. I bought the Thrive book but haven't finished it as of yet. Hopefully we can beat this thing eventually! I'm really sorry you are having to go through this as well.

Melanie

[andee]

Good luck with everything Miss K. It's a long hard road and sometimes you feel like you are at the end of your rope...but we all understand here and we all help each other. You will find great people here...best to you.