My hatred of babies and reproduction--not emet

[redastrid]

Of course part of the reason I don't want to have kids is because of emetophobia, and partly because I would become depressed avoided high-impact activities for 9 months, and also of course, because I'm 19. But there's a bigger philosophical reason I have for not wanting kids, and it makes my dislike of children go beyond the more normal "I don't like babies." I am physically disgusted by babies and women who want to be or are pregnant, or have young children of their own. It doesn't matter how great of a relationship I have with someone, once she gets pregnant it drives a wench into our relationship. I stop being honest and open about my feelings with them and instead hold them at a distance for fear that they will discover my disgust and (understandably) loose their respect for me. And there's also the inevitable part in which we suddenly have nothing in common anymore because their whole lives and point of view changes.

No, I don't have mommy issues, but I am adopted, and I do believe that's why I'm so disgusted by pregnancy and babies. I don't think it's unnatural, I'm not jealous of babies who stay with their birthmothers, and it's not that I haven't been exposed to it enough.

I think in a world with a growing population of 7 billion, it's completely unethical to birth your own children. Obviously there are a million and one reasons why poor women have more children, and for the most part I don't blame them for it. Right now I'm talking about educated, middle- and upper-class Western women who decide to get pregnant. We all KNOW that the Earth is steadily reaching carrying capacity, and we all KNOW that there are children without families around the world who will never, ever get adopted and will die in poverty before ever reaching adulthood. Don't try to tell me that adoption is "too hard" or that there aren't enough babies in the world to adopt. That's bullshit, and I think you know that.

We know the facts, and yet many women are still desperate to have a baby of their own. What especially angers me is when someone with a debilitating genetic condition risks giving it to a child. WHY do people keep doing this?

In conclusion, I really do think that pregnancy and childbirth is a beautiful, brave, hardcore thing. My hope is that one day it can become a reasonable and safe option for women all around the world. I've even considered becoming a midwife because while I'm not dumb enough to think I can stop people from having kids, I do think there is hope for better maternal care. BUT I do not think that pregnancy is a reasonable choice in the planet we live on today, and that is what makes my stomach turn when people around me have children. I may be called selfish for not wanting a baby of my own, but I feel it is more selfish to have one.

Does anyone feel similarly or completely differently?

[joeylynn]

I too dislike babies but love toddlers...so I get what you are saying! I'm not adopted but have an adopted daughter (she was 9 months old at the time of adoption) and no this doesn't have anything to do with my dislike of babies.....didn't like them before I got her and she just had a baby so now I'm a grandmother to a beautiful baby boy who I am terrified of!!! Funny dontcha think???!!!

[hlov2]

Sooooo...I'm confused... You hate it and are disgusted by it, yet think it's beautiful and hardcore?

[princess-moon]

I sort of agree with you, well your overall point at least. Being “disgusted” by pregnant mothers and babies is a stretch for me, but it does make me cringe a bit when I hear about people having a ton of kids. People are free to do what they want, but…
It is heartbreaking, all those poor kids out there who need a home. I’ve already concluded I want to adopt anyways (because of sickness with pregnancy plus personal reasons too actually), so I’m with ya

Plus I’m 18, young like you. By the end of our lives the world will be so extremely populated, it ain’t gonna be funny.

[redastrid]

hlov2 Yes, that's correct. I guess I have a complicated relationship with the whole thing. I have no problem with the act itself. That part doesn't disgust me and it's biologically very interesting. What disgusts me is what I perceive to be hypocrisy in people I otherwise love and know as educated and generous. Partly because the planet is already in trouble, and even though one kid won't make a difference, every person saying "one kid won't make a difference" makes a lot of kids, which does make a difference. And also every time I meet someone who is having a baby, I immediately think of one more kid losing a chance to have a nice home. I was very lucky, but that was mostly by chance. I could have been one of those other kids pretty easily!

I guess I want everyone who CAN to either not have kids on purpose, or to try to adopt. It seems like for a lot of people, neither is an option that they ever consider...I want people to think about this more so that someday it can be an ethical and completely personal decision whether or not to have a baby.

[tiredofitall]

You think that people should not have their own biological children because other people that you deem selfish had them and couldn't or wouldn't raise them so the rest of us who truly want to be mothers should take care of their children instead? That's ridiculous and insulting to all the amazing, loving, caring parents in the world who give birth to and raise wonderful, productive members of society. While I applaud those who adopt, if you did your due diligence you would know that it is a very expensive and lengthy process with no guarantees. Many people I know have gone down that road only to end up heartbroken and childless in the end. While you are entitled to your option, to call those of us who wanted to bear our own biological children selfish is cruel and immature. Perhaps once you grow up you'll see how absurd you sound.

[Charzy14]

I have to agree with tiredofitall. I have 5 beautiful biological children that I do not regret having BY CHOICE, and I will never see it as SELFISH! And seriously???..."unethical" to have babies? Not even close. What is unethical is someone trying to convince others to abide by her own opinions/beliefs to not have children of their own. Yes, adoption is great for many reasons, but to say people are selfish for wanting their own babies is ridiculous. IMO, I think you may have resentments of sorts in terms of your own life. Please don't judge others for their choices in regards to procreation, for it is none of your business what others do and procreation will never change.

[CMM811]

My first thought reading this was "wtf seriously how can someone have so much anger and hate and one sided views" then I reminded myself you are 19, and that is in no way a jab at you. At 19 I thought my views should be everyone's views and what I felt strongly about I voiced it. I too didn't want children mainly for emet reasons, and I can be a selfish person. Then at 21 I got pregnant with my son (yep a accident but I wasn't going to give him up or abort) I was a child having a child. But he changed my life, he gave me love I never knew existed, he made me smile on my darkest days. He made divorce simple (you may say that's impossible but for 2 parents who love their child so much it was simple), he made Friday nights in with him better than going out. He stole the heart of my husband and became the bestest big brother to his baby sister at 4 years old. And I have 2 babies of my own now well not babies 10 & 5 and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I always remind myself to slow down and see the world through their eyes because I will learn something new everyday. There is no one on this earth who could possibly convince me that birthing my own children is wrong. It is sad there are so many children out their waiting to be adopted but you make it sound like its so easy. "Oh hey I'm gonna adopt a baby today", it's not. I've seen many heartbreaks and lots of money and our imperfect system toss children around because mom thinks she wants to be mom again for a bit, so no adoption isn't easy. Women and men were put on this earth to procreate. Because there are some out there who do this and don't take care of their children doesn't mean that the women and men who would be amazing parents shouldn't. It's very naive and unrealistic for you to think midwifery would be a good field for you. You won't ever be able to change the mind of a woman who craves her own baby. Midwifery is about the natural birthing process, to help and make a woman feel secure and safe. You sound like you would try to break her down for wanting her own child. I would dare you to speak these words in a room full of IVF families, they are people who have given up everything and put everything in to having their own child. As you grow up, your views may change but until then I would seek help, because you have a lot of anger towards women in general it seems.

[yourjedi]

Many women and men out there consider themselves to be “childfree,”due to their dislike of children and/or their desire to never have a baby. So, that part of your post is nothing out of the ordinary and many people feel the way you do. To me, it's refreshing that women no longer feel the need to procreate because it's their “duty” and that men don't feel the need to be forced into a patriarchal,nuclear-family position. Solid. You're not alone there. My own sister dislikes children. I do well with children in my own family but can barely stomach strangers kids. Your thoughts here are nothing out of the ordinary.


Where you go a bit radical is with the idea that having children is an inherently selfish decision because there are so many unwanted children in the world. This may make sense when you're talking about animals, since buying an animal is 100% a decision that someone makes and carries out, but this does not work when you're talking about human pregnancy.


For starters, half of all pregnancies are unintended, so to put the selfish label on someone who actually didn't actively choose to get pregnant is a bit unfair.


Then,to imply that women who do want to have children are selfish is also unfair. Aside from the fact that we are biologically programmed to want to have children and reproduce, you're borderline using the PETA approach for animals for humans. Adopt unwanted children and don't have any of your own. PETA, though, fully admits they want to phase companion animals out through this method – are you suggesting that we just don't have kids anymore and phase out humanity because the planet is screwed? I mean, it's not my fault that the planet is messed up, it's not my newly pregnant thirty year old neighbor's fault, so why should we not have the opportunity to have kids?


Should more people consider adoption? Absolutely. But I'm not sure where you're getting the idea that adoption can't be tremendously difficult, because it can be, and is for many people.


I fully understand not wanting kids – sometimes I don't think I do.But, no one should be forced to feel bad because they want kids of their own for the reasons you state that are completely out of their control.

[Maige]

Man, I also have to disagree with the 'Don't try to tell me that adoption is "too hard"' bit. If I were ever to have a kid, I'd definitely want to adopt...but unless I'm suddenly rolling in money, I'd NEVER be able to do it. Adopting a foster child in Canada can cost as much as a few thousand dollars, a number of money I've never seen in my whole life. Adopting a child internationally in Canada can cost much as twenty thousand dollars.
Plus...what about the gay parents who live in a country or state or whatever where adopting a child is simply not an option for them because it's against the law? :/ A lot of them have a surrogate, which I'd assume you don't like either because they're still bringing a new kid into the world rather than getting a home for one currently living. Others might have a trans man in the relationship who, if they haven't transitioned or are comfortable with it, give birth to the child themselves.
So yeah. It can be very difficult.

[blueridge212]

I'm not going to berate you for your opinions because I think everyone is entitled to their own (although I don't necessarily agree with yours), but I will strongly urge you not to become a midwife. Midwives are supposed to help pregnant women through pregnancy and labor, and since you are a self professed hater of pregnant women I don't think it's a great career choice lol. You acknowledged yourself that poor women tend to have more children for "millions of reasons," why don't you go into a career of education that can help them understand their options as far as birth control/family planning? That way you can actually help curb the problem that you see with overpopulation, you can help an underserved (and large) portion of the population, and you can probably tie it into your advocacy for adoption. Just a thought.

[KimberlyP]

I understand that you don't like babies or pregnant women. I also understand that people have a legitimate phobia of both and we especially are not people to question someone's 'strange' phobia. What does concern me is the way you speak of adoption and children and prospective parents. You're nineteen so I'm assuming that though you're naive you also have common sense but I feel the need to say this. Children are not dogs, you can't go to one central location to pick the cutest one out and take it home and give it a name. There is tons of money involved, months and sometimes years of waiting, there's legalities and birth parents and all types of hoops to jump through. I have struggled with infertility although I have two beautiful children but my heart and home can hold more. But because of the hoops one must jump through I have had to come to the reality that my family is complete and I will have no more children either through adoption or naturally. It's not as easy as you make it sound...

I commend your desire to have every child have a home but to belittle and scold people who do have their own children is not only strange and immature but it is also cruel. I hope as you get older you maturity grows and you grow out of this very weird world view when it comes to children and parents.

[Seabreeze]

I don't like kids, never did. So I choose to not have any kids. What other people do is their own business tho. I do wish people would see the world is over populated. Maybe not have so many?? people like the Duggers disgust me.

[Truche]

I hate babies and kids.

[Gummy-Galaxy]

Are you me? Because I feel EXACTLY the same!!! And what with today being Mother's Day and all, I feel disgusted. Reproduction is not special or a miracle or even very difficult - Moms are not "chauffeurs and nurses and chefs" - people earn those job titles by hard work and dedication, not by pushing a flesh monster out of their bodies.

[Maige]

Are you me? Because I feel EXACTLY the same!!! And what with today being Mother's Day and all, I feel disgusted. Reproduction is not special or a miracle or even very difficult - Moms are not "chauffeurs and nurses and chefs" - people earn those job titles by hard work and dedication, not by pushing a flesh monster out of their bodies.

I may be reading your post incorrectly, but are you saying that Mothers don't work hard and put dedication into their parenting?
I mean, yes, there are many crappy Moms out there, but if that is what you're saying, that's highly insulting to all of those parents who do their absolute best to care for their children.
Unless you're talking about that they don't deserve that title for the act of giving birth itself.

[Charzy14]

Are you me? Because I feel EXACTLY the same!!! And what with today being Mother's Day and all, I feel disgusted. Reproduction is not special or a miracle or even very difficult - Moms are not "chauffeurs and nurses and chefs" - people earn those job titles by hard work and dedication, not by pushing a flesh monster out of their bodies.

Sick, sick, sick. You wouldn't be here to say this BS if it weren't for your unperfect mother bringing your "flesh monster" ass into this world. Many mothers are dedicated hard workers even if they aren't perfect parents. I am betting you are not a mother and for some reason resent mothers because of some false crap you learned in your lifetime. You need help if this is how you feel about reproduction. Scary that people such as yourself feel this way.

[paulinek]

It doesn't matter how great of a relationship I have with someone, once she gets pregnant it drives a wench into our relationship. I stop being honest and open about my feelings with them and instead hold them at a distance for fear that they will discover my disgust and (understandably) loose their respect for me. And there's also the inevitable part in which we suddenly have nothing in common anymore because their whole lives and point of view changes.

Is this just you theorising about how it might be in the future were you to get a woman pregnant or has this actually happened?

Please don't become a midwife - why would a man who hates babies and is disgusted by women who want to be/actually are pregnant want to be involved closely with the pregnancy, birth and babies as a career? You are the last person on earth I would have wanted near me when I was pregnant.

Your whole post is contradictory. If you feel you don't want kids at this time in your life, then fair enough, don't have any and not everyone loves babies/kids, so stay away from them but your arguments as to why no one else should have children are seriously flawed, inflammatory and insulting to loving mothers who do a great job of bringing up their children. You only talk of women in the whole reproduction issue too - don't forget there's not a woman on earth who can get pregnant without input from a man.

[YellowBeads]

It's normal not to like babies. I've never understood why anybody would want to have a child. And the funny thing is that I LOVE BABIES!!! They're my favorite little things ever! But it flabbergasts and disappoints me when one of my friends has or wants a baby.

[redastrid]

Obviously I don't know everything, and clearly I'm young and probably overly-opinionated, but I'm not naive or immature. Like I said, I'm adopted myself and understand that for many people it doesn't work out. I KNOW it's not easy, but if you want a child why wouldn't you be willing to at least try?

I completely understand why those of you that have had your own children disagree with my opinion. But at the end of the day, my opinion changes nothing, and to you I'm just a naive kid on the Internet...so why are you spending your time being offended by what I think? And why do you think it's less immature to berate a child for their dumb opinion that they'll grow out of anyway?

I am trying really hard to convey that I don't think people who have their own kids are "bad," and I don't think there's anything "wrong" with reproduction and motherhood in of itself. I am definitely not trying to force my opinion on other people. I was just interested to see what people had to say.

I should also clarify that I'm a woman since it seems like a few of you assumed otherwise. And no, I don't hate women or have mommy issues. I am a feminist and a bisexual, and I have a wonderful adopted mother who I love, and a wonderful birthmother who I love.

I also never seriously planned on being a midwife, more of just a passing occasional thought, but I'll say it more clearly: I've never considered midwifery as a means to try to stop people from having kids. That would make for a horrendous midwife. I considered it because I love women and I think pregnancy is fascinating. Then I remembered I hate babies so my bedside manner would probably suck.

[KimberlyP]

I think you're misunderstanding. I don't think anybody was angry with what you said but merely bothered. Also, you mentioned that you're a child but you're actually not a child, you're a grown young woman, that confused me just a bit. I don't understand what you mean by that.

I think that you opened a very sensitive and for some people a very painful door. Many women struggle with infertility and don't have the money to adopt children, so they're left childless. I know it can be hard for someone who hates children and doesn't want any of their own to understand but for some women it hurts terribly. It's so hard to hear tone of voice over the Internet and I truly don't think you meant to be rude and I don't think anybody was trying to be rude to you. Like I said, it's just a painful subject that a lot of people feel passionate about. When you post something that has such strong opinions from both sides you're bound to get upset feelings. A lot of people don't like babies, which is completely fine but if you post it on a forum you're bound to get people who have an opinion that differs from yours. Add in the emotion and you should expect people to leave comments.

[redastrid]

What I meant was that if someone views me or another member as a child, they shouldn't use words like "sick."

[maeflower]

Are you me? Because I feel EXACTLY the same!!! And what with today being Mother's Day and all, I feel disgusted. Reproduction is not special or a miracle or even very difficult - Moms are not "chauffeurs and nurses and chefs" - people earn those job titles by hard work and dedication, not by pushing a flesh monster out of their bodies.

You were once a "flesh monster" too.

[paulinek]

To the OP sorry for assuming you were a man, it was the bit about getting your girlfriend pregnant that threw me. Your post was very strongly worded and when you start using words like disgust and hatred in relation to reproduction and babies it's bound to get parents backs up. Your post and subsequent responses are a bit contradictory/backtracking so I don't think you know yourself entirely how you feel but you were after other people's opinions and you've certainly had some which has hopefully answered what you wished to know.

[kthomas629]

Maybe I'm going to be the big bitch here, but as someone who despite her emetophobia could not wait to become a mother and watched many friends struggle with infertility issues and cannot have the children they desperately want or deserve I have to say this, emet or not, please do not ever have children. You sound selfish, cruel, thoughtless, heartless and down right mean. No child should ever be so unfortunate to be raised by someone like you.

[Charzy14]

Maybe I'm going to be the big bitch here, but as someone who despite her emetophobia could not wait to become a mother and watched many friends struggle with infertility issues and cannot have the children they desperately want or deserve I have to say this, emet or not, please do not ever have children. You sound selfish, cruel, thoughtless, heartless and down right mean. No child should ever be so unfortunate to be raised by someone like you.

I do agree with this.

[CMM811]

Maybe I'm going to be the big bitch here, but as someone who despite her emetophobia could not wait to become a mother and watched many friends struggle with infertility issues and cannot have the children they desperately want or deserve I have to say this, emet or not, please do not ever have children. You sound selfish, cruel, thoughtless, heartless and down right mean. No child should ever be so unfortunate to be raised by someone like you.

Amen to this. A mother (or father) emet or not, had to be completely unselfish and see the world in a totally different way, there is not a straight path to being a parent.
As for the other remark. I'm a nurse, a chauffeur, a trampoline, a chef, I'm everything, and your damn right I worked my butt off to become them. No j don't have a degree, but I have the 'battle scars' the bags under my eyes, and a heart filled with so much love, it's better than a degree. And to say reproduction isn't hard. GTFO. Carry a baby for 9-10 months, feel sick, your boobs grow a ridiculous amount and even breathing on them makes you cry, then let's talk labor. My son was 27 hours 15 no drugs. My daughter was 23 hours home birthed no drugs nothing but my own mental state to get me through the pain. To tell me it wasn't hard, you have no idea. As a emet mom not only was I enduring contractions but I also had transition nausea so while I was battling my body I was also battling my mind. And dedication...again please. My life is dedicated to my family and making sure they are healthy, safe, growing, learning and experiencing. So I'd say I'm dedicated. More than anyone at a "job" because I can't just quit being a mom one day, it's with me forever.

[sdfl]

Although this opinion is bound to get the hairs raised on the backs of a lot of mothers here, I can honestly say your thoughts on babies and natural reproduction don't bother me. You are allowed to have said opinion and whatever reasons you may have for it. Let's try and understand things on both ends of this "debate."

I am a mother. I've met countless people who say babies and children disgust them. It never affects my love and regard for my children. I personally love children and babies.

[jkl81]

I just don't think there's any reason to be against having children for environmental or overpopulation reasons. We don't have a problem with overpopulation in wealthier, more developed countries, because women have access to contraception and have the ability to not have to be with a man if they don't want to. In most cases we reproduce roughly at the replacement rate +- a couple tenths of a percent. Yes in less developed countries overpopulation is still a problem, so those concerned about overpopulation should advocate for equality of opportunity for girls and women and access to contraception for those who want it. It's also true we have environmental challenges to deal with, but my thinking is that our population will peak in the developing world as it has in more developed countries and we'll be fine ultimately. If you don't like kids, that is your right. You should exercise your right not to have them.

[yourjedi]

Maybe I'm going to be the big bitch here, but as someone who despite her emetophobia could not wait to become a mother and watched many friends struggle with infertility issues and cannot have the children they desperately want or deserve I have to say this, emet or not, please do not ever have children. You sound selfish, cruel, thoughtless, heartless and down right mean. No child should ever be so unfortunate to be raised by someone like you.

Whoa, whoa whoa, now that's a bit much. Please recognize that this is a nineteen year old, first of all, and remember that her opinion has zero bearing on your life. You can disagree with how she feels (as others have respectfully done), but to throw around names like "cruel" and "thoughtless" is pretty ridiculous. It isn't like she's going around screaming at women in fertility clinics. How many opinions do you have regarding people and their decisions that you may be in the minority of? Are you also a terrible person then? Just because she feels this way about pregnancy or motherhood doesn't mean she's a bad person.