Childhood loss - survey

[sage]

Please let me know how many of you have experienced loss in your childhood (such as the death of a parent, sibling or significant other - or divorce or perhaps moving away...any other kind of tragic event such as a fire or theft, etc. would be interesting to know.)


Then I'll tell you about a study I found on anxiety disorders.


Thanks!

[pink_flamingo]

The only person i know that has ever died is my grandfather. I was 8 or 9 then.

[rhinoseri]

Well, my Aunt dying when I was nine, my Great Grandmother when I was
about eight, and my Great Grandpa when I was ten... I think that's
about it.
Edited by: rhinoseri

[allyryder]

Well....I never really lost anyone close to me thus far.....however....I know this sounds to 'pathetic' but my mother was both physically and emotionally abusive to me. Oh yeah, she worked nights as well...so she would leave me at night.

[harmonygirl72]

My mom left when I was 8. I was still in touch with her, but she "left" the house and I was raised by my dad. I know this is the root of a lot of my issues, but I'd like to hear what you have found.


Mary

[giff1949]

I had some losses of a different type (sort of). When I was ten, we moved about 800 miles away from our home and family due to a job transfer for my father. I had a very good friend that I left behind besides my grandparents. I was absolutely crushed. I was very shy and did not make friends that easily. Then, just when I was getting adjusted to that move, we were transfered again, this time clear across the country. This went on about every 18 months from the time I was age 10 all the way through my teens. That meant I changed schools all the time and was in 3 different high schools in 3 different states. Each time, I made friends and had to leave them. I felt so much sadness and grief knowing I would probably never see them again. I never felt like I belonged anywhere.

I don't know if this is the kind of information you are looking for.

I do know, though, that my emet started long before my moving around did. It got much worse during those years but it was already with me by age 5.</font>Edited by: giff1949

[symphonicfaith]

My parents divorced when I was reallyyoung, probably around a year old, so I don't remember that. I lived with my mom, and saw my dad every other weekend. When I was 4 or so, my great-grandmother died. I was old enough to remember, but not really old enough to quite understand what was going on.


&lt;Zachary&gt;

[pippi]

none of the above

[clairethebear]

I lost my grandad when I was 14 years old. Never really got over it I don't think. I was very very close to him and adored him. At the same time due to reasons I won't go into my grandma died when I was about 16 or 17 and we were not close so her death did not really affect me and to this day I am not bothered by it. Sounds awful I know but if you knew the full story you would probably understand quite clearly.

[ejb199]

nothing remotely traumatic ever happened during my childhood - my parents are together and no one close to me died.

[x hannah x]

My dads mum died before I was born then when I was about 6 my dads dad died, a year after that my gran died and then 2 years after that my Grandad did too.

[jlockyer]

I've had emet all my life and my parents found I was terrified of v* and v*ting when Iwas about 3. No losses at that time although my borther was born and I've always wondered whether the trauma of having my mother leave me alone (while she was in hospital) and then coming back with a new baby probably caused some sort of reaction.

[rachelle]

Hmm, ive never thought of this b4 but I guess ive experienced quite a few 'losses'.


My grandad died wen I was4 years old from cancer - apparently I was really close to him and spent a lot of time with him wen he was ill. Then wen I was about 6 my auntie and cousin moved to america. I cannot explain how close our family is. My cousin was like a sister to me and my auntie like a second mother, so this really affected me badly. Also my Great Great Grandpa died when I was about 6.


My Great Aunt and Uncle(who, again I was very close to) both died when I was about 10. My Great Grandad died around the age of 12. A cousin of mine was recently killed in a car accidentand my Great Nana has cancer currently and only has a small time to live.
This sounds so horrible now ive seen it in writing [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]


Rachel xxx

[2jo2]

My parents divorced when I was very young (maybe 1 year old), and both parents remarried when I was about 6 years old, and each had a child when I was 7. I'm still dealing with the divorce, and resentment of my dad. My dad's parents were more like my other parent than he was. I lived with my mom and stepdad and half brother, and am very close to them. I had visitation with my dad one long weekend per month, and always felt like an outsider with them. I'd be very interested to find out about your research on this.

[e-lizabeth]

my father left when i was about 7 or 8 and my parents divorced a few years later. my grandmother died when i was 7 and my grandfather when i was 9, then my uncle died when i was 11 - these were my mother's entire immediate family, so she was pretty devastated by all the loss and retreated a bit.


also, i was sexually abused when i was about 11 for a few years....

[kmarie]

I lost a two great grandmothers...and my cousin drowned in a river in texaswhen I was in 5th grade..he was only like13..we were pretty close..


thats about it..my parents are still together (going on 26 years)..we never moved more then a mile from where I was born..parents both worked..dad was an administrative assistant..and my month a cop/detective (heard some scarey and nasty stories from her)...never abandoned...


pretty normal childhool..except for loosing my cousin.

[sage]

Wow, guys...these bits of information are amazing. Keep going! (Others, I mean - please feel free to add in to the thread). Also, for those of you who lost grandparents "only" (or an aunt or cousin), can you tell me how your parents reacted around the house? Were they devastated? Anxious? Angry? Secretive or distancing? That would be cool to know. Again, I don't want to influence the group by giving too much of the theory (and I'm not even sure I believe it, so I'm sort of testing it out).


Also, thanks to those of you reporting abuse. This is also a form of "loss". So anyone who had abusive parents, was sexually or physically abused or abandonedor frightened by any of the above, please report it. (if you don't feel comfortable putting it up on the board, please send me a Private Message - I've already got 3 of those and I really appreciate it).


Thanks, guys!

[clairethebear]

My mum reacted badly to my grandad's death obviously but due to problems with my grandma she was never allowed to show it so she kept it to herself really. We bring it up sometimes when things remind us of him and we both look at each other with tears in our eyes and then usually give each other a hug! When my grandma died my mum's reaction was completely the opposite of my grandad. She felt nothing and felt a huge amount of guilt about this which caused her to go through her own depression and she sought help from a spiritual counsellor for her guilt. She did not love her mother and I did not love my gran. Sounds awful I know.


Also of interest I never ever knew my grandparents on my dad's side. My grandma apparently ended up in a mental hospital after my dad's birth with postnatal depression and remained there until the day she died and my grandfather was an alcoholic. My dad was looked after by a lady after that. For me I really don't feel like I had a life with grandparents in it. I only knew my grandad for a short time - it just wasn't long enough at all. He died of leukaemia. My grandma then died of bowel cancer. Sorry I am going on a bit now. Hope this interests you Sage. Thanks a lot. Claire x

[Jenneh]

well, my grandad and grandmother on my dads side died when i was about 10 yrs old. my dad was obviously upset, but he never showed it.so, it was all quite secretive really.


when i was 11, i moved house, move area, moved schools moved everything.. and THEN to top it all off, my grandad died. tht was very upsetting for us all... dont think i've ever really got over it.


i was also physically and emotionally abused as a chld. and up until i was about 11 years old, my parents owned a shop, and so i NEVER saw them unless of course it was to abuse me. they were always too tired, or too busy. i nkow that defenitely affected.


i wil be interested to no wat ur theory is!! lol.


Jen xxxx

[kmarie]

My great grandmonthers died (both my dads grandmothers) and he was upset but not bad.


I also forgot (and feel horrible)..that my grandfather (my dads dad) died 5-6 years ago. My dad was upset..but didnt really show much emotion.


The night we found out about my cousin we were camping..a police officer came and took mom to a phone to talk to my grandma who told her..she came back crying..and she and i cried all night...as for at home..we were all sad..but we talked about it..a little..and were ok...

[cheerio]

My grandmother died in my presence when I was about 7 or 8. I was the one who noticed that she was sleeping with her eyes open on the couch. My mother sent me upstairs to a bedroom with my little brother and told me to wait there until she came and got me. I watched the fire engines and ambulance pull up in front of her house figuring she was just sick. She had bad angina and had been taken a couple of times from our house and her house by ambulance before. My mother let me believe that she was in the hospital for at least a day before she finally told me she had died. She did not allow me to attend the funeral. My mother was an emotional basket case for at least a year or two after her death. I can remember her constantly crying, she never went to church with the family after that, she drank more and was not very good at handling her alcohol. She was always sick for days after drinking. I can remember being at a christening party an hour away from my house and she had too much to drink and was vomiting in the car on the ride home. We had to make many stops for her to empty her bucket. I honestly believe that was when my whole emetophobia started. We moved at least 5 or 6 times while I was growing up. If you have any more questions, feel free to email me.

[symphonicfaith]

(Recap: My great-grandma died when I was 4)
My mom and 6yr old brother were both quite upset. I don't remember them being absolutely devastated, because I think they knew she was going to die soon -- she was fighting a losing battle with cancer. But I do remember them crying a lot, though I didn't quite understand what was going on.

[Lizzie]

Parents divorced when I was about 3 years old. Emet started shortly after that age.... My stepmum use to be very stricked and I use to get hit a lot for doing and learning stuff wrong schoolor athome.Fistsuse to come flying round my head and body and nails use to scrach me down my back....Last time I got a hiding waswith a beltat the good old age of 16.


When I came to live with my real mum my stepdad sexually abused me for just over a year.... Got kicked out the house and told that I had made it all up to split the family up even thoughthere was dna proof thatit all happened...I of course thenended up back at my dad's with my stepmum. Ohhh I think my childhood was well.. lost somehow... ha ha.. I am still the black sheep of the family... ahh well..... some parents huh...


Collette

[lizard79]

my great grandmother died when i was 6, house got broken into when i was about 8, grandmother got breast cancer and suffered terribly with it until she died when i was 12, other grandmother got alziehmer's and died when i was 16, two great aunts died also when i was young. there were other people who died as well, but i didn't really know them much. more people have died since i have been an adult as well. my parents had me when they were almost 40, so everyone else in the family was older as well.


i never cried when any of them died. don't know why. i cried when one of our cats was put to sleep and also when the house was broken into.

[rhinoseri]

Well, my Dad poofed for about three weeks or so when my aunt died, and
he was with my uncle for that time, and my Mom was sorta strangish
then. She told me oftenly "Make sure you don't die today, because the
way our family's going..."



With the Great Grandparents deathses, they weren't as affected.

[siafi]

My great-grandma and my grandpadied when I was 4, and my grandma when I was 8. And here's my two cents on the topic: NEVER TAKE CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 10 TO A FUNERAL!!! Kids (like me back then) have no concept of what is going on at the time, so it is meaningless to attend unless maybe it is a parent or very close family member. All I knew at age 4 was that my mommy was crying and SHE'S not the one who is supposed to fall apart - it's MY job to cry around here! It's pretty scary to see the people who you depend on for the most support just crumble right in front of you. Also, i think the whole open casket experience has scarred me for life. I need to start a website for a phobia of death

[Louise]

My dad left my mum when i was 2. My grandad died when i was 7, my great auntie died when i was 9, my great grandma died when i was 10 (she was 101 tho!)


thats all the losses i can recall.. [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]

[SimplyMe]

When I was one we moved to Germany cuz my dad was in the military, my parents divorced when I was 2 and we moved back tot he states. I had a great uncle die when I was 12 but I didn't really get it then (I've had a few great aunts and uncles die) as far as close relations go my grandmother died when I ws 16 after suffering 12 years w/ Alzheimers and we would go visit andhelp my grandad every other weekend 2 1/2 hours away, my dad died 7 weeks tot he day after my granma and evn tho I didnt' see him uch it's still my dad, then when I was 19 my grandpa died. My Mom was very upset about my grandma but she also knew it was coming and somewhata blessing when my dad died she was upset becuase she had loved him even tho they couldn't be married to each other but she wasn't hysterical or anything shes always the type to cry easily so she cried alot (most people do I'd imagine in these situations even if they dont' cry easy) then my grandfathers death I think was a little harder on her but she coped as well as can be expected. I'm not sure if this is relevant but I don't cry in these situations. I will privately and to myself but I wont' at a funeral or a wake or to/with other people.( maybe just w/ my mom or soemone close near me I will cry in front of them.) As I have gottena little older it's a little harder to control but I will fight crying in front of people tooth and nail only doing it when it is uncontrollable and my chin starts shaking lol. Edited by: SimplyMe

[soluene]

My history isn't very traumatic - my grandmother died when I was about 8, but I don't really remember much, including how my parents reacted. I am also like Simply, though - I could not express any sorrow or "weakness" around my parents. I did not even want them to attend soccer games or gymnastics meets for the fear that I might get hurt and they would see me as 'weak'. Our family never communicated very well.


But the most traumatic event of my teens was when my grandfather moved in to our house when I was 16. He could no longer live unassisted, and he took over my room and my bathroom for almost a year. I was moved into a tiny den next to my parents bedroom, with no space of my own. The stress in my house was incredibly high, as my mom had to take care of her father-in-law 24/7, and my dad didn't help much. Although I'd been afraid of v*ing before this, it did not dominate my thoughts until that year. That year, I lost several pounds and refused to eat almost everything. I was fatigued all the time, was always in the nurses office for some reason, and convinced that I would v* at any second - this went on the WHOLE year. You said once that the stress in families is often seen in the children. I have never connected this terrible stress with my anxiety before! It makes a lot of sense now.


My heart goes out to all of you who have suffered abuse, neglect, loss...my story and history do not compare to yours. I admire all of you for your strength and determination to beat this phobia!

[EstherB]

none of my close relatives died when i was a child. my parents aren't together but that didn't happen until i was17-18 (and stretched on until i was 19)and already had the emet (although it did get a lot worse around that time). i did get taken out of school though, as my parents were quite religious at one stage and they took my sister and i away from mainstream school and set up a christian school with some other parents from our church at that time. there were only about twelve kids and one of them bullied me. anyway, the situation meant that i pretty much lost myverybest friend, laura, to whom i was really, really close,and i found it really hard to fit back in with all the other kids when i went back to mainstream school after a year. but 'losing' laura was hard - i still remember how miserable, lonely and jealous i felt. i didn't have emet as a young kid, but had a kind of fixation with v**** - i used to reread passages in books where the characters would be sick, and i remember trying to make myself sick at school to get attention from teachers...weird to imagine now! as a teenager, i again lost my best friend who went off with girls who were more popular at the time, and left me feeling really awful about myself. i also loved french - it was my favourite subject and i was/am good at it to the extent that my teachers described me as the most gifted student of languages they'd ever had, and also said that i had a gift for languages which bordered on being 'odd' - anyway, i'm telling you this to get across how much i loved learning french and loved the lessons. anyway, i got so far ahead that the teachers couldn't really teach me anything, and so i got bored and lost my motivation. i definitely count that as one of my significant losses - my enjoyment of and unadulterated love for learning french and other languages. i don't know if it could have contributed to my emet though. my emet didn't get really bad until i was about 17, and then it got progressively worse as i got older, getting markedly worse when i went away to university. it carried on getting worse and worse until i was 22 when the doc put me on seroxat/paxil which helped enormously, and since then it's just got steadily better (i'm 24 now, and off seroxat). sorry this is so long, got carried away thinking about stuff! hope i haven;t bored everyonetoo much!!


love esther xx