I don't really know where to begin...


I'm 20 years old and I've suffered from this phobia for about 7-8 years now. I feel very strange finally being able to talk about it with people who understand how I feel... I've had severe panic disorder, agoraphobia, and depression over this for just as long. I dropped out of high school during the beginning of my sophomore year, and homeschooled the rest of the way through. I couldn't be around anyone. I stayed inside my house for more than two years without ever even leaving to go to my mailbox... I've now put off going to school for two moreyears, quit a good job I had, and I feel like I'm losing hold of my goals and dreams. I'm sometimes so frightened by the thought of getting sick that I won't eat for days and days... I'm scared of eating out or being around people who are sick, even people I really care about. The thought of getting sick sends me into a violent panic episode. I get mad at people when they drink so much that they get sick. I'm scared to get sick in front of anyone. Hell, I'm just scared in general about the whole thing... It's ruining my life... It's ruining my relationships... I don't know what to do!!! I've spent THOUSANDS on psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, and hypnotherapists to try to get rid of it, but nothing seems to help. Frankly, I'm just sick and tired of being scared! I really don't know how it all started... So far the only thing that people really seem to agree on is the amount of death I've had to deal with. I've lost over 40 people that were VERY close to me, and I've been told that's not a normal thing to deal with. I really thought it was! I don't know... I'm very confused and angry and upset about it. I just can't handle it anymore. I want my life back!!!