Can see why people make themselves vomit

[crimgoddess]

Well- Last night was another allnighter for me. I generally pull one a month- when I have a lot of deadlines approaching for school projects, or have a stack of marking to do. I just find it easier to plough through, grab a larger-than-usual coffee in the morning, and go about my day. I generally only sleep about 4 or 5 hours a night anyway, so it's really not a big deal for me.


Anyway I talked to Suze at around 4:30/5:00am my time, and then got ready to go wait in line to pick up my student loan with a bunch of whiny undergrads who are complaining about 1st year being "too hard". Whatever, we all have our crosses to bear. While I was getting ready, I started to feel really nauseous. Not the little twinge in my stomach that I usually get if I haven't slept and need some breakfast- but real "holy crap I'm going to puke" nausea. I used to have a fear of vomitting- but I get sick so often (motionsickness, no immune system, etc.), that it has downgraded itself into an extreme dislike. I'll prevent it if I can- but if it needs to happen, it needs to happen. (I still fear others being sick around me- which I find absolutely retarded- but that's a whole other thread).


I was planning on taking some motionsickness pills anyway, because after I got my loan processed I was to head to Walmart- a half hour busride, and this particular bus has a history of making me motionsick due to the way the route is constructed. So, I took some, had a glass of water, and continued to get ready for the day. I looked in the mirror-I was never so pale in my life. I'm pretty pale to begin with, but this was beyond anything I have seen- the whites of my eyes seemed dull in comparison.


The nausea kept getting worse and worse- and then I knew the inevitable was going to happen. I vomitted what was in my stomach- water and the pills (disolved). I know that, that is all that came up because I actually opened my eyes and looked- which is rare for me, because I usually keep my eyes closed until I flush. Afterwards, while the nausea was still there- it was nowhere as severe as it was previously. It was back down to manageable levels, and I got some colour back in my face.


Before, I never really understood how people can make themselves vomit.....I was always on the side of preventing it if possible, but only letting it happen if it was an inevitability. After examining how I felt beforehand- and how much better I felt afterwards, I can see how people can force themselves to get through that one minute of unpleasantness, if it meant that they would feel a lot better afterwards. I get it now. I can also see how it's not really that big a deal- afterwards even though I still felt some residual nausea, I was still able to go about my day (head to class, groceries, and library). I think that if I wouldn't have vomitted, I would have probably felt worse for much longer, and the day would have been a write off.


I'm not saying that the next time I feel nausea I will force myself to vomit- but I do understand those people who do take that route. It definitely has it's advantages.


*amber*

[silver]

First of all, sounds like you have a good sense of humor about things. I really liked your comment about the whiney undergrads!!![img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]


You are very brave, and I would love to hear your thoughts and experience in getting over this stupid fear. I haven't v* in so long and it was so traumatic, I want to go back to being able to do it and get over it and feel better like you said. When I was a child I could do that, now I can't.


Wait to go with managing this fear and not letting it take over things. I really would love to hear what has helped you because it seems like you have a good handle on things.

[crimgoddess]

hey Silver- thanks Being a grad student for 2 years has made me bitter and less sympathetic to undergrads, haha.


I have had a fear of vomit/vomitting since I was about 6 or 7 I would say- for a long period of time, part of that did manifest itself in a fear of myself vomitting, to the point where I managed to not vomit for a period of a few years when I was a teen. That was really not the prudent way for me to go, since I get extremely motionsick and catch random illnesses often, and spent a lot of time suffering trying to prevent myself from vomitting. Sometimes for a period of hours I would sit in the bath with my knees to my chest concentrating on forcing the food to stay in my stomach. I realize now that it really was a waste of time- that period of excruciating nausea was much worse than that few moments of discomfort that vomitting causes.


When I was 18, I vomitted for the first time in years- did what I could to prevent it, but nothing worked and it happened.....and my reaction was "that is IT?!". In that period where I didn't vomit, I built it up to be much, much worse than it actually was. Now knowing that I usually feel better afterwards, it helps me give in. I still do what I can to prevent myself from vomitting- drinking water, pacing, heading outside for some fresh air, etc- but if these don't work, and the nausea is persistent, I'll let it happen. It's a lot better than spending hours worrying and being completely useless- and since I am nauseous quite often (I know for a fact its not due to anxiety), it's a lot more productive for me to accept it. I by no means like vomitting- but I don't think it would be classified as a fear any longer.


The worst thing is that I still fear others being sick around me! It's completely stupid- I know that vomitting isn't a big deal, and can see why people find it to be beneficial when they aren't feeling well (because of feeling better afterwards)- yet if I see someone vomit in my proximity, my first reaction is to get the hell outta there. I'm working on it, and am admittedly a lot better now than I was a few years ago. I don't think I'll ever get to the point where this fear doesn't exist- I just want it to become a non-issue for me.


The irony of this situation is not lost on me [img]smileys/smilies_11.gif[/img]


It's funny how when we were kids we wouldn't overthink things.....if we had to vomit, we just did it- and didn't worry about all the other crap that comes into our mind when we feel nauseous now. I hope you get back to that point again It is completely and totally possible! You can dooooo eeeeet!


*amber*Edited by: crimgoddess

[suze]

Sorry you weren't well, Amber, I take all the blame!! You know, when I read everything you write, you seem so logical and sensible that I do wonder why you have this fear at all - but we all know that the thing about this damn fear is that it is so, well....irrational, it does defy logic!


I do wish I was as rational about the actual act of vomiting - I actually might be it's just that it's been so long for me - 23 years-ish. The last time it happened, I remember feeling so bad that I was more than happy to let it all come up, anything to get rid of that feeling. I really hope that when it gets that bad again, then I'll feel the same.


My biggest fear is it happening in public, and it all stems from a friend who sat on the stairs at work and threw up into a cardboard box while all these students were just passing around her. I kept trying to get her to go to the toilet, but she wouldn't cos she said it would make her worse. Ithought, for **** sake, wouldn't you rather vomit twice as much in private than in front of these kids that you teach? I couldn't come to terms with that mentality and it's screwed me up ever since.


Nevertheless, I still panic when I'm nauseous, but there's a bit of a "well, come on then, show me how bad it really is" attitude in me when I'm completely alone. Put me in public though, and I can freak out big time. Seeing someone else vomit? Providing I can turn away and move in another direction I'm fine. Stick me on a bus or in a car with them - another freak out big time occasion!


Finally, whiny undergrads? Absolutely! I'm getting e-mails of students wanting answers to past exam papers, cos they "can't revise without them"! Er, please, just learn the fricking work and do a bit of reading - I don't spoon feed anyone other my kids!


Apologies to those students (and there are a number out there!) who do genuinely work hard and feel the need toput the hours in and stretchthemselves - I love you all!

[mjewell]

My biggest fear is it happening in public, and it all stems from a friend who sat on the stairs at work and threw up into a cardboard box while all these students were just passing around her. I kept trying to get her to go to the toilet, but she wouldn't cos she said it would make her worse. Ithought, for **** sake, wouldn't you rather vomit twice as much in private than in front of these kids that you teach? I couldn't come to terms with that mentality and it's screwed me up ever since.


Nevertheless, I still panic when I'm nauseous, but there's a bit of a "well, come on then, show me how bad it really is" attitude in me when I'm completely alone. Put me in public though, and I can freak out big time. Seeing someone else vomit? Providing I can turn away and move in another direction I'm fine. Stick me on a bus or in a car with them - another freak out big time occasion!

me too!!! The thought of doing it in public is what scares me to death, or being stuck in a crowded place with someone who is.

[samara's on tv]

My sister is like that. She'll vomit to make herself feel better. I still don't get it. I mean I understand that you feel that way though. My biggest fear is not the vomiting itself as much as it is I'm afraid I won't be able to stop and it'll keep happening after I eat again or something. The last time I vomited, the next day I wouldn't eat ANYTHING and I wouldn't DRINK anything...I was so scared it would happen again. But good for you and your logical thinking...my logic is a little skewed.


~Monica

[angel13]

You're lucky to be able to think that way, Amber! I understandyour logic.


Now I'm going to be graphic here, but what actually scares me about v*ing is the v* itself, and how disgusting it looks, feels and tastes...but when you said you only brought up water and the pills, I thought to myself "Yeah...I think I could handle that!" . If I v* again I'd much prefer it was like that, rather than traumatic and painful, and...disgusting, lol.


If its over quickly, like it was for you, then I think I would be fine. V*ing oncewouldn't be so bad - its just if it was an sv, and it kept up for hours on end, THEN I wouldn't be able to handle it.


^_^ Thanks for sharing -helped me see it all from another angle!

[lilyann]

You go, Amber! I "let" myself vomit this morning too! This is the second time in 2 1/2 weeks and it has been 11 years before that. I think it was the morning sickness again as I am 5 months pregnant. But what happened is this--my 6 year old son was getting ready for school this morning. He ate his breakfast and went to get dressed, then came out of his room and said he threw up. I didn't believe him at first and thought he was lying because he sometimes does that to get me going knowing I fear it. I told my husband to deal with him, then my husband reminded me that I wanted to try to deal with it the next time. So I went and looked. And sure enough, he had spit up some of his breakfast. I was actually able to clean it up (need a big pat on the back for that as this was my first time cleaning up!). We deemed he was okay and just a little overfull and sent him off on the school bus. But then 1 1/2 hours later, while I was getting ready for work, I felt the nausea building up. I sat for 15 minutes trying to figure out what I was feeling and then what I was going to do about it. I decided that if I needed to give in and v*, I would go in the bathroom and it would show itself. It did. And it wasn't so horrible. It was like the last time 2 1/2 weeks ago. I still felt funny afterward but went to work anyway and was able to make it through my day. I still feel a little funny now, but am not sure what is going on. Anyway, I feel I am finally starting to deal with this. This was my goal, to be able to just do it and get it over with like everyone else. Luckily, my experiences since deciding this over a month ago have been mild, so they have actually been helpful. So yes, if you put your mind to beating emet, you can do it!! And like you told me Amber, I am taking baby steps and it is working. Thank you!

[suze]

Wow, Lilyann, inspirational - you deserve way more than a pat on the back!

[crimgoddess]

Way to go Lilyann! You should be SO proud of yourself that you kept a cool head, and were able to clean up the mess. That is such a major accomplishment, and think of it the next time your son is sick and you start to panic. You were able to clean up after him this time- which means that you can do it again in the future.


And good for you for giving in and letting yourself be sick as well- it really sucks, but the alternative of worrying and waiting is even worse. Wow, by comparing this post to some of your previous ones, you can really tell how much you are improving, both in action and in attitude. You are SO going to beat this- just be patient and give it time


Angel- I hear you. I think part of the reason why I fear others vomitting is the fact that it IS so gross. At least if it's myself, I am confident that I will make it to the bathroom, and that I can flush before I look if I feel so inclined. With others, there is always that uncertainty that you may come in contact with it- which is completely illogical, because even if they vomitted on you, whats the worst that can happen? You'll need to change clothes and shower- its not like its permanent. But still the very thought makes me shudder.


If it makes any of you feel better- I usually contract 1 or 2 stomach viruses a year. But, the only time I remember it causing me to vomit repeatedly and uncontrollably was when I was 9, and I literally threw up for 48 hours. In all the times that I have been sick, that was the only time where I really felt that there would be no end. Now, when I get one- I will usually vomit twice- if I vomit at all. Usually I just get extreme nausea and diarrhea. Having only one really severe vomitting episode inthe dozens of stomach viruses that I have had over the years ain't bad


Suze, if only I was as logical and rational about this as I am about most everything else! I actually get in trouble for being too logical when it comes to discussion and debate- yet when it comes to this phobia and myself, logic flies right outside the window. And I can't believe yourcolleague would prefer to vomit in full view of her students as opposed to making her way to the bathroom! I'm sure even non-emets would probably have a hard time wrapping their minds around that one. At least make it outside!


*amber*

[crimgoddess]

PS- about undergrads- if I hear one more complain about having to read 30 pages a week for the class I TA, I will go insane. Or, if I hear "will the exam be based more on the readings, or more on the class discussions?" ARG! Same question- every year, every class, every semester- and the same answer- BOTH!


*amber*

[lilyann]

Thanks guys! I need allthe support and encouragement I can get right now. I went to my first therapy session tonight so I am working really, really hard at this. I am hopeful I can make some progress here[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]!!