Please help if you can- my child was ill and now terrified to be near her!!!

[worriedmama]

Hi everyone,
I am new as I have had this phobia nearly 40 years and until the last few days been terrified even to type emetophobia into Google.
But I need urgent help as it’s now not just me that it is affecting.
I have a 18 month old daughter who had her first gastro a week ago today.
I sat in a chair next to my mother, who was holding her, as I could not bring myself to hold her. I wore a mask, gown, gloves and face shield.I held her foot and consoled her as she was sick again and again.My mother hissed at me that I was sick too, just in the head, and I needed help, and not to DARE pass this horrible mental illness I had to my daughter.
I felt SO anxious it is impossible to describe.
My phobia is of being sick myself, or exposed to others who I know are infectious, ESPECIALLY if they are actively sick. So this was pretty much hell.
As this was happening it snowed outside trapping me in the house for 96 hours.
In that time my mother and father both got sick, my mother right in the laundry room, contaminating well, pretty much everything.
Since then I have bleached and bleached and bleached. But of course I’m sure I haven’t got everything.And the 3 of them are still shedding virus and it is undoubtedly everywhere.
I have continued to wear all my protective gear.
The snow melted and I was able to get to work and then another house which is “sterile”.
The problem is, I don’t want to go back.
I do, but I don’t. I want to see my daughter but I now look at even a picture of her and I feel terror before I feel anything else.
I know that there can be particles everywhere and people can shed them for up to 30 days.
I can’t bear the thought of my poor daughter seeing me in my hazmat getup for 30 days.
But I can bear it more than the risk of getting ill.
My mom tells me I am SO MESSED UP and it is NO BIG DEAL while I hide here and cry and shake and type this. But she just does not get it.
I am reaching out for whatever help that anyone can give. Have you been there?Am I crazy?How to deal?Please write back if you can.I feel so alone L

[claire43]

Oh no. I'm so sorry this has happened. I absolutely understand how u must feel. I realise that your mother isn't able to appreciate how scared you feel but she shouldn't have reacted that way. All of us who are mother's and grandmother's have felt this way. The added guilt we put on ourselves is bad enough without someone else berating us. I'd b a liar if I said u are 100% safe BUT you have definitely used all the proper precautions. You made sure your daughter was well looked after and knowing how scared u were that in itself is something to b proud of. I have a 25 yr old daughter and I raised her as a single mother and did my best not to burden her with this fear. Thankfully she isn't bothered by v*. I also have a 2 yr old grandchild n a second due in April so I too will have to somehow come up with coping skills cos young kids to tend to catch things and pass them on. All I can say is you've got through this nightmare situation and come out the other side. There's a very good chance that you'll not catch this as it's been a while. When ur feeling stronger go and speak to ur Dr. Explain your fear cos most have no idea how bad this phobia is and try medication.

[worriedmama]

Oh Claire thank you so so SO much for replying to me. It is a huge comfort. Honestly you are the first person I have ever connected with that has suffered this awful phobia and while I am not grateful either of us have it I am so grateful to you for your support. It makes me feel better knowing there is someone who raised a child on her own (I am also a single mom) to adulthood and survived. And she is OK! And so are you! I will hang in there! Thank you so much for being there. I feel less alone now.

[claire43]

Your very welcome. I only wish there was some magic cure out there for us. I have suffered with this from a very young age and I am 50 now. All I can offer is my support and a shoulder to cry on. This is a very lonely phobia. When I try to explain to people close to me how it makes me feel all they say is that everyone hates to be sick - they have no clue of the absolute dread and panic it causes us. I was on the bus to work Tuesday when I noticed how unwell the woman sitting next to me looked. I could not wait to get off the bus cos I was sure she was about to v*. Tonight I feel n* and have some stomach pain and I feel so anxious that I am unable to sleep. I have to get up in 5 hours for work and there is no chance I can relax enough to sleep. Hope you can see a light at the end of the tunnel and that you can put this nasty episode behind you very soon. In my experience I am thankful that my daughter very rarely got sick when she was young. As she got older I was always 'getting her water' while she basically looked after herself. The things we do just to get through tough times haha

[worriedmama]

Thank you again Claire for your kindness.
Yes I have often wished for magic around this horrible curse!
I hope that your anxiety over the bad bus ride settles and so will your tummy and that you get some sleep tonight.
Hugs from across the pond J

[kspappas]

Hi there,
I just want to chime in and say I can relate 100%, although I do not have the hazmat gear you've described! LOL! I've wished for it many times though. I also feel the very same panic and fear when faced with it, and I am so sorry that your mother made you feel even worse. That is completely inappropriate for her to treat you that way, although I know dealing with emetophobes must be frustrating for other's they are only making matters worse. I hope that you are healthy and have had some time recover. Hang in there. Sometimes all you can do is roll with the punches.

[AshTin81]

You are not alone! My youngest has a sv right now and I'm a mess! So glad to hear I'm not the only one! No one understands. They just make me feel guilty and crazy. They don't know how it feels to be completely debilitated by this fear so much that you can't care for your own child. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but know that you're not the only one struggling with this.

[Sadteacher]

I am absolutely terrified to become a mother! I want children so much but I do not know what I will do if I am all alone and my child gets sick! My fiancé works away so I am alone most of the time.

[Bhots23]

I take great solace in reading these words as they make me feel that I am not alone.

I am so sorry that any of us have to get through this. I'm currently locked in my bedroom with tears in my eyes while my wife is downstairs with my daughter who doesn't feel well.

It kills me to not be there for her but she picks up on my anxiety and it affects her.