18yrs-old and not living due to emetophobia

[emilyc]

I just need to vent a little, maybe you guys can understand and offer some kind words. I've had emetophobia since I was a little kid, but these past two months, it's gone out of control. I'm an 18-year-old girl and I fear I'm missing out on life due to this phobia. I should be enjoying my senior year of high school, yet here I am, in a constant state of panic. I make my mom sleep in my room with me out of fear that I'll get s* and it's so embarrassing. I can't eat anymore due to the fear. I am working on this with my therapist, but it's only helped slightly. I'm just so afraid that my life will be torture forever.

It's weird because as a kid and young teenager, I never v'ed, ever. I went probably like 13 years without n* or v* until this past February. I got the sv* and I was panicked about 30 mins before v'ing, but when it happened, I literally said to my mom: "oh my god, this is what I've been afraid of? seriously? this is nothing!" and proceeded to be s* the rest of the night without any worries. Yeah, I was tired and uncomfortable, but I certainly wasn't afraid. My mom said she thought she'd have to rush me to the ER and have me sedated when I got s*, since she knew what terror this fear brought me. When I was fine and relaxed, we both were shocked and very proud. I have no clue why months later, I'm so scared of v* that I literally can't sleep or eat sometimes because of it. I know deep down that I can handle it, yet I get so scared anyways.

What makes it worse is that I have a poor stomach to begin with. It gets upset when I'm stressed or nervous, and my nerves have been insanely bad lately, obviously. Every single day I either feel pain, bloated/fullness, or n*. It confuses me so much and makes me so upset. Not only am I mentally struggling, but now my body feels gross too. Part of me feels like I'm not even afraid of v*, I'm afraid of the unknown. I feel so awful everyday and I'm afraid that when I actually am s*, I'll be like, pfft this is just anxiety, and not be prepared because of it. I can't sit in front of the toilet every single day awaiting the one day when I'm actually s*. I just don't know how to be carefree and tell myself that I'll live my life and when I'm s*, I'll deal with it then. I guess it's hard because I feel s* everyday, so I never know when I need to deal with it and when I don't.

My last big worry is the fact that I probably should be on medication. Before this fear got out of control, I was seeing a therapist for my severe OCD. I still see her and she helps with my fear, but on top of this fear, I have a plethora of other OCD obsessions. I want to get on medication and get better, but every medication I see tells me that n* and v* are side effects and it terrifies me. I know that it takes months sometimes for meds to kick in and start making you feel mentally better, I don't think I can handle months of n* or v* and not being calmed from the meds on top of it.

I guess I just feel so lost and desperate. Everyday is a struggle to get through and I don't look forward to waking up anymore. I don't know how much longer I can do this and I just want to feel less alone.

[canonguy1]

i understand. it is very hard to live like this. have you heard of the thrive program?

[omnismoriar]

Hi Emily,

I want you to know that you are absolutely not alone in this. I know exactly how you feel. Like you, I have had this phobia since I was a child (about second grade, I am now 20) and it plagues my existence every single day. More recently I have been having stressful events in my life which has increased my anxiety. As my anxiety increases, I think more and more about my phobia. It has come to the point where I feel absolute dread at the thought of living the rest of my life knowing that I will be s* someday. It sounds crazy to my friends and family when I tell them that my fear of v* makes it so that I would rather not be alive than have to deal with being s*. Yet here I am, watching my whole life stretch before me and feeling horrified by it. But, also like you, I don't want to feel this way. I want to live my life and be free of this psychological torture. I want to live the way that other people live--without fear.

That all said, I don't have all the answers but I want you to know that you're not alone. I went to therapy for my phobia when I was in middle school and what really helped me was to develop coping mechanisms. Some of these mechanisms were different mantras that I would tell myself when my anxiety would get bad. For example: "I know that I am feeling bad and I am afraid that I will be s*, but I have endured through this feeling before and I know that it is just my anxiety and it cannot hurt me. I have been through this before and I was alright." It also helped to imagine my anxiety as an entity in my life that pretends to be my friend under the pretense of caring about my wellbeing, but is actually toxic. Then tell yourself, this person/entity is a liar. It does not care about me and it does not control me. I am in control of my life, not my anxiety." On a side note, I know how you feel when you begin to feel physically unwell due to your anxiety. Sometimes when this happens, I will chew on a piece of gum or eat a mint.

If it would help you to know this, I have been prescribed Alprazolam (generic: Xanax) to take as needed. I usually take it whenever my anxiety becomes particularly difficult and I just need a little more help calming myself down than usual. I have never experienced any n* or v* while taking it and I have been prescribed it for over a year. Perhaps a medication such as that would assist you in your journey to overcome your anxiety.

I hope this helps. Please reach out if you need anything or just want to talk. Sometimes all it takes is someone who understands.

[hjoy.99]

I completely understand what you are going through and it is honestly awful. I am 17 and deal with thinking I'm feeling s* every day as well since I have a sensitive stomach (probably due to the constant anxiety) and I am never sure whether the stomach pain is going to make me s* or if it's just something harmless (and it's always nothing!). I developed the phobia when I was around 7 years old and I have no idea how or why it began because I haven't had to v* since I was 5 years old. My phobia has been going on for so long and has all the sudden gotten worse at this age. I totally understand your embarrassment and I also tend to need my mother to reassure me that I'm okay or just be with me when I'm afraid I'm sick. I am a senior as well and I just want to be able to enjoy my life and have joy and do everything my friends want to do. But this phobia is crippling and I'm always afraid someone is sick and that I could catch it too.
But there is something that always comforts me during anxiety attacks. I listen to worship music (Especially Bethel Music and their spontaneous worship songs that you can find on YouTube) and I talk to God. Praying through this and asking God to fight through my anxiety has helped so much. I think it is mainly a fear of losing control and when I just surrender and realize that God is control, I know that with His strength I can do all things and get through all things.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all this as well but it is so nice to hear that someone is going through exactly what I'm going through and that I'm not alone. Just keep pushing through, and every time you get through the anxiety, that is a victory that you can look back on and realize that there was nothing to fear, even though it is so hard sometimes.
Also, I usually just try to reassure myself that what I am feeling is just my anxiety and sometimes I'll just talk to a friend and get my mind off things by laughing and trying to pretend I'm fine (because I always am even when I think I'm feeling s*). So keep fighting, you got this and you are never alone.

[cmu315]

It's wonderful you're seeing a therapist and getting the emotional support you need. Is she able to refer you to a psychiatrist, maybe one that specializes in phobias and has experience working with a population afraid of medication side effects? It may be worth asking. It sounds like you are feeling pretty depressed and hopeless, and you deserve to live life to the fullest!

[AndreaAndee]

Just to add, so many meds have listed these side effects. But that doesn't mean they will occur. I would definitely give meds a try. You could even ask your doc for one that has the least side effects. I've been on SSRI's forever and they do help. And no side effects for me like that. Yes, you shouldn't be living in fear or ritual constantly. Please check with your doc next time!! Take care and hang in! It does get better as you get older.