Hi there. I'm a 22 year old male living in the US, and I've been browsing this site for a while now. I finally decided to make my first post. Be warned that this isn't going to be pretty, if you are adverse to talk of the NV, severe mental illness and suicide then please do not read.

I have become an absolute wreck lately. A few months ago, I got so terribly ill that I ended up losing ten pounds (which doesn't sound like a lot, but I was already underweight at the time. I ended up at 130lbs, I'm 5'11"). I have had the phobia for as long as I can remember, and I also happen to have IBS and generally go through n* every single day, but this was so much worse. I ate, maybe, 300-500 calories a day for three months. I never actually v*, but the feeling like I was going to was constant, day in and day out. I was prescribed Zofran, but that barely helped. I had panic attacks constantly, sometimes multiple ones a day. This ended up with me being sent to a mental health treatment center after I admitted to my family that I had been calling a suicide hotline pretty regularly, and all I could think about is wanting die every single day. I already have schizoaffective disorder on top of the phobia, and the phobia has led into other phobas such as phobia of germs and agoraphobia, but my medication (Lamictal, a mood stabilizer) kept me fairly stable until I got sick.

Ever since then, I had been placed on different meds, and I have regained weight and an appetite. However, a new fear has set in that has made my life Hell. I constantly think about the NV. As I'm writing this right now I'm probably going to have to take an Ativan (benzo for the treatment of severe anxiety) because I can feel a panic attack incoming. I have read the statistics, that an average American will get it at least 5 times in their life, and it has left me nearly paralyzed. My appetite has plummeted, I'm losing my ability to focus, I've been having troubles sleeping, both sleeping too much and too little, I've been obsessing (more than usual) about keeping everything sanitized, and I've begun to fear going outside for fear of being exposed (I don't leave my house much anyway). I don't think I've ever even had it, and if I did I don't remember, so that means I will likely have it 5 times. How can I possibly cope with this knowledge? I see my psychiatrist and therapist on the 25th, but that seems like it's ages away. I'm scared to tell my family members because they already worry about me to death (ever since I got sick a few months ago I've spent most of my time in my room and going to see various doctors), and they don't quite understand the severity of my phobia. The worst part? My birthday is in 5 days, and I think I'm too terrified to leave my house...

How does one cope with having the phobia and knowing the NV is out there? It's like it evolved specifically to ruin our lives. I just wish I could be like an alcoholic or one of those YouTubers who does food challenges all the time, being able to v* and not care about it. As it stands now, though, I would definitely choose death over v*, any day. I honestly fear for my life if I get NV, not because of the complications that can arise from the illness itself, but from it leading me to suicide. I really don't want to do it, but I feel like I would have no choice. I want to have a future, I want to go back to college and get my degree. I want to have a family, with a nice dog and a cozy house. But at any time this thing could strike, and I'd be powerless. It's unbearable. I'm crying as I'm typing this.

I'm not sure what I expect out of posting this, but I just feel like I need to get it off my chest. I thought this would be the place to do it at. I've never met anyone with the same phobia, so I don't really have anyone who can relate to my plight. I really ​hope I haven't upset anyone reading this.