Thoughts of NV Rule My Life

[Justa]

Hi there. I'm a 22 year old male living in the US, and I've been browsing this site for a while now. I finally decided to make my first post. Be warned that this isn't going to be pretty, if you are adverse to talk of the NV, severe mental illness and suicide then please do not read.

I have become an absolute wreck lately. A few months ago, I got so terribly ill that I ended up losing ten pounds (which doesn't sound like a lot, but I was already underweight at the time. I ended up at 130lbs, I'm 5'11"). I have had the phobia for as long as I can remember, and I also happen to have IBS and generally go through n* every single day, but this was so much worse. I ate, maybe, 300-500 calories a day for three months. I never actually v*, but the feeling like I was going to was constant, day in and day out. I was prescribed Zofran, but that barely helped. I had panic attacks constantly, sometimes multiple ones a day. This ended up with me being sent to a mental health treatment center after I admitted to my family that I had been calling a suicide hotline pretty regularly, and all I could think about is wanting die every single day. I already have schizoaffective disorder on top of the phobia, and the phobia has led into other phobas such as phobia of germs and agoraphobia, but my medication (Lamictal, a mood stabilizer) kept me fairly stable until I got sick.

Ever since then, I had been placed on different meds, and I have regained weight and an appetite. However, a new fear has set in that has made my life Hell. I constantly think about the NV. As I'm writing this right now I'm probably going to have to take an Ativan (benzo for the treatment of severe anxiety) because I can feel a panic attack incoming. I have read the statistics, that an average American will get it at least 5 times in their life, and it has left me nearly paralyzed. My appetite has plummeted, I'm losing my ability to focus, I've been having troubles sleeping, both sleeping too much and too little, I've been obsessing (more than usual) about keeping everything sanitized, and I've begun to fear going outside for fear of being exposed (I don't leave my house much anyway). I don't think I've ever even had it, and if I did I don't remember, so that means I will likely have it 5 times. How can I possibly cope with this knowledge? I see my psychiatrist and therapist on the 25th, but that seems like it's ages away. I'm scared to tell my family members because they already worry about me to death (ever since I got sick a few months ago I've spent most of my time in my room and going to see various doctors), and they don't quite understand the severity of my phobia. The worst part? My birthday is in 5 days, and I think I'm too terrified to leave my house...

How does one cope with having the phobia and knowing the NV is out there? It's like it evolved specifically to ruin our lives. I just wish I could be like an alcoholic or one of those YouTubers who does food challenges all the time, being able to v* and not care about it. As it stands now, though, I would definitely choose death over v*, any day. I honestly fear for my life if I get NV, not because of the complications that can arise from the illness itself, but from it leading me to suicide. I really don't want to do it, but I feel like I would have no choice. I want to have a future, I want to go back to college and get my degree. I want to have a family, with a nice dog and a cozy house. But at any time this thing could strike, and I'd be powerless. It's unbearable. I'm crying as I'm typing this.

I'm not sure what I expect out of posting this, but I just feel like I need to get it off my chest. I thought this would be the place to do it at. I've never met anyone with the same phobia, so I don't really have anyone who can relate to my plight. I really ​hope I haven't upset anyone reading this.

[Dr.EmTim]

NV is scary. I’m totally with you, friend. Try to look at it in perspective. You have a whole life ahead of you, years and years and years of happiness, friendships, great experiences, love... NV is so so tiny in comparison. Those 5 times you might have it might take up a few tiny days of your whole entire life. Yet, the worry is pulling you away from those good parts of life. Something as trivial as NV really isn’t worth all the worry. You’ll probably deal with it way better than you expect, anyway.

I’ve been freaking out all week because NV is going around my college. I hate the anxiety so much. I think the reason I hate being s* is because of the panic it causes me. It really wouldn’t be that terrible if I could be like “ok whatever” when it happens. Our brains are stupid when it comes to anxiety

Anyway, keep fighting, and I hope seeing your psychiatrist helps. Make recovery a priority.

[canonguy1]

i understand how scary it can be knowing the endless scary possibilities that are out there. i wish i could say it was easy to realize how small they are in compassion to the rest of it but it's not. i''ve gone beyond fearing NV, v* and things to fearing my reaction to it. how much i will spiral is my new concern. i always suggests this on here but try out the thrive program. didn't work 100% for me but it will at least explain what is going on in our heads.

[shell361]

Hopefully this will help, you said the average American will get NV 5 times in their life which may be true but you're not an average american in this situation, the average person is not as hygienic as they think they are, they may shower daily and brush their teeth twice a day but they don't wash their hands anywhere near as often as they should and that's why they will catch it 5 times in their life, most people are quite happy to travel to work on public transport, paying using cash, touching handrails, opening doors along the way then sit down at their desk and eat without washing their hands and those that do don't do it well enough.
Your an emet so the statistics that apply to the average american in things like this don't really apply to you because you fear the outcome you avoid the things that will lead to it, the average person doesn't care and getting s* doesn't enter their mind until symptoms start and even then most still won't care

Like you I fear NV and hate the thought that its out there but knowing that all you need to do is wash your hands properly before eating or putting your hands in your mouth/touching your face helps a lot, that alone will make you unlikely to catch it which is a huge source of frustration because if everyone did that NV outbreaks would be rare