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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    UT
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    10

    Default When is it "safe" to be with my boyfriend again?

    Hello, I'm sort of new to this forum; I guess I made an account years ago and forgot I had it, hahaha... Goes to show how much I had been improving in terms of my Emetophobia- until now, of course. Hopefully this post doesn't get too long, but I will appreciate anyone who can give me some advice.

    So, I live with my boyfriend. He takes antidepressants and recently (for about a month) they have been messing with his digestive system. Because it's caused by his medication (or at least, we think so), I had never worried when he would be feeling "sick" (that's how he describes any degree of n*, so you can imagine the panic I feel every time he says he feels "sick"), bloated, or having bouts of d* now and then. I would still interact with him as normal, kissing him and hugging him and sleeping with him, because obviously side effects of medications aren't contagious. Unless it wasn't his side effects and he had really been sick for a long time... Anyways, that's another story. I digress.

    On Thursday evening (3/29) he had been feeling bloated, n*, and generally unwell. I chalked this up to his medication, as usual, even though he had been having d* for the past couple days. He had just eaten dinner and had been eating normally all day and all week, so I didn't think he could have been sick because he obviously wouldn't have been hungry. I hugged him and went to bed, opting to sleep in our other bedroom just in case he was sick (thank God I did). At about 11pm, I woke up to the sound of him v* in his bathroom. I quickly closed my door and proceeded to worry all night that I would get sick. He didn't even close his door until the next morning, so our two cats were going in and out of his room/bathroom and our living area all night, most likely tracking the sv* everywhere. He only v* that one time.

    I quickly left for work the next morning (3/30), obviously frantically texting him all day with my usual rules for quarantine and sanitization. He was feeling too weak to clean that day, however, but still kept himself quarantined (other than when he texted me to tell me that he had gotten his blanket out of the dryer since he was freezing cold -- UGH, imagine my frustration hearing that. So obviously I'm terrified to use our dryer at all now that he touched it, even though I sprayed it with Lysol twice). After work I headed straight to my uncle's house to spend the weekend with family for Easter. All weekend I was worrying myself crazy, wondering if I had somehow caught his sv*.

    Saturday (3/31) he was still feeling weak, dizzy and achy. I was still at my uncle's house so I was getting periodic updates from him via text. He spent most of the day sleeping, but had told me that he had left his room to get a glass of water and to heat up his soup (so obviously now I'm not going to be using our kitchen or silverware for two weeks).

    Sunday (4/1) I left my uncle's house and came back to our place. I cleaned the kitchen, light switches, doorknobs, floor, etc. in our main living area. Obviously I didn't even go anywhere near his room. He was still feeling weak, but better than he had been feeling the previous days. He still hadn't cleaned his bathroom at all. I spent the majority of Sunday out and about in town so I wouldn't feel trapped and anxious in our apartment.

    Monday (4/2) I left for work in the morning, and he said that he would clean his area that day, since he was feeling better and much less weak. His appetite had returned, too. He proceeded to lysol spray his entire bathroom, his bedroom, his computer, his light switches and door knobs, his carpet, everything. He changed the sheets on his bed, and (at my instruction of course) put his dirty sheets, clothes and towels into a trash bag. After completing his cleaning, he asked if he could be "released" from his quarantine. I told him he could, since at that point I was already keeping myself locked in my room whenever I was home and intended to do so until he wasn't contagious anymore. Plus, one of our cats had been out and about in our living area the whole time. He made himself dinner and such, touching our silverware and everything (ugh).

    Tuesday (4/3) He went back to work. He was feeling back to his normal self again, with the exception of still feeling slightly achy. From this point on he has been out and about in our apartment like normal, sitting on the couch, using the kitchen, cooking food (for himself, obviously), etc.

    Today (4/4) He is feeling normal again. We are both starting to get antsy about being with each other again. He has been so understanding and sweet about my Emetophobia, more so than anyone I have ever known. He has been doing (mostly) all that I ask of him in terms of cleaning and quarantine, and wearing disposable gloves to do just about everything while he was sick. While he has been extremely understanding and accommodating, though, I still don't think he truly understands why I still go straight to my room and shut myself in every time I come home from work, why I won't eat any of our food at home, why I have barely been eating and why I'm still so worried of catching his sv*. In his mind, now that he is feeling better, he isn't contagious anymore. I miss being with him so much, but obviously my fear is so much stronger. I hear him through my closed bedroom door making dinner or speaking to our cats and I cry because of how badly I want things to be "back to normal" again.

    Next Tuesday (4/10) we are supposed to go to a concert together, and I'm terrified; obviously at that point it will not have reached the "safe point" of two weeks since he has been sick yet. I want to wait at least two weeks to touch things in the kitchen or make food at home again or sit on the couch to make sure the sv*particles around the apartment are well and truly dead. Keeping ALLLLLL of this in mind, my two questions are:

    1) Is 2 weeks the absolute longest a sv* can survive on a surface or inside of someone? Or, more specifically, will it be totally safe to interact with him and the apartment normally after 2 weeks?

    2) When will it be safe to be with him again? I don't intend on kissing him for a while still, obviously, but the concert coming up is for a band we both love and have been wanting to see for a while. I'm just so torn because my Emetophobia is still so strong right now, and I'm still terrified of getting sick.


    Please help me out, I'm still so scared but I miss him so much, too.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    255

    Default Re: When is it "safe" to be with my boyfriend again?

    You will be fine to go to the concert!!! Honestly, if it was viral you were likely already exposed very early on even with the caution.. so I don’t think the additional avoidance is goin to do much other than make your life more difficult
    Last edited by Malalcala; 04-05-2018 at 08:02 AM.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    UT
    Posts
    10

    Default Re: When is it "safe" to be with my boyfriend again?

    Do you think I have already been "exposed"? I mean, I'm not sick right now and it was wayyyy over 48 hours ago that I even touched him last (last Thursday before he v*) so I'm not worried about my "initial exposure" anymore, but I never even did anything that would have exposed me at the beginning of his illness. I was careful about staying away from him and his room, not touching my face or mouth, not touching anything in our apartment, etc... And I'm pretty sure it was viral because of his symptoms...

  4. #4
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    255

    Default Re: When is it "safe" to be with my boyfriend again?

    Honestly, I think when we live in the same small space with someone even with all our best emet-style cleaning and caution it’s probable that you have had exposure at some point. Obviously you may be correct that you had avoided it early on but if that were the case it sounds like your cleaning was thorough after the fact & by this time the chances that you would encounter a new exposure that you haven’t already seem very slim.
    And yeah.. it sounds viral to me too but it could always be food or med related (or the meds made something worse for him).
    Last edited by Malalcala; 04-05-2018 at 06:37 PM.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    UT
    Posts
    10

    Default Re: When is it "safe" to be with my boyfriend again?

    Ok, that makes sense. When do you think it would be okay to be with him again? Like, being able to hang out with him and hug him and all that. I'm scared that there's a chance that he might have missed something in his cleaning, or that he hasn't been washing his hands well enough, etc. etc. Like I mentioned, our two cats have been wandering around our apartment this whole time, and they were in his room with him the night he v* so I know they're probably tracking the sv* everywhere around the apartment.

    Also, for clarification purposes, at this point it's been a week and a day since he v*, but he only started feeling completely better again on Tuesday.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    255

    Default Re: When is it "safe" to be with my boyfriend again?

    So I guess the thing is that there is a lot of different info re: viruses that cause gastro & even the solid resources offer different timelines ect. So there IS no perfect answer..

    Not to mention you have no way of knowing what really caused him to feel crummy. I think many people on this site have different safety behaviors and comfort zones but I am personally a big proponent of trying not to let this thing run your life.
    I think if he didn’t clean perfectly or if the cats played a role or whatever then you probably had exposure... and thus far you have been fine. I think the chances are low that continuing to avoide him or things in your house is going to make a difference. In fact, I would even argue that if you avoided him for a month and never got sick it would ultimately be worse for the phobia because you may equate that month with the REASON you stayed healthy when in fact you may have never done any of those things and still stayed healthy...
    Does that make sense??? I know that’s speculation & there are no guarantees but I would try to live as normally as possible to combat the anxiety behavior.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    UT
    Posts
    10

    Default Re: When is it "safe" to be with my boyfriend again?

    Well to anyone interested as to how everything turned out, long story short: I'm fine!

    On Friday (4/6) I went straight from work to my uncle's house for the weekend, rather than hanging around the apartment; even though my boyfriend had been feeling better all week, I felt stressed and trapped in our apartment so I thought it best to try to relax for the weekend away from that stress. I got home on Sunday (4/8) and FINALLY got up the courage to hug him. I was worried for a split second but immediately after I felt all of my worries just melt away and it was so refreshing. Unrelated, but about half an hour later I had a slight stomach ache from some greasy food I had eaten, but nothing ever came of it other than one single loose BM (sorry, TMI) and I've been fine since.

    Anyways, the next day (4/9) after work we went out to dinner together, and for dessert we split a piece of cake and ice cream (like, we each had a fork and just dug in hahaha). I was so proud of myself for that! We went shopping a bit and it was great.

    And yesterday (4/10) was the concert! It was so much fun and I was so glad I didn't let my phobia get in the way of me going. I still haven't kissed him yet, and I still am too afraid to let him sleep in my room, and I'm also still too afraid to use our kitchen or sit on our couch. But I've already made such huge improvements and I know it's only a short matter of time until things will be back to normal.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    181

    Default Re: When is it "safe" to be with my boyfriend again?

    Hi here, I feel like I wrote your post myself. My husband had the *SV for sure last Thursday. It’s been 9 days. I was away prior to him getting it so had no exposure. He was supposed to pick my daughter and I up at the airport and on my layover, I received the dreaded text that he could not pick us up and was sending my daughters grandfather (ex’s father) to get us. I didn’t come home at all and we went to my mothers for 3 nights. My husband sprayed Lysol and used only one bathroom and I asked him not to sleep in our bed. He doesn’t get my fear but after this, it’s become clearer. We’ve gone through 3 large cans of Lysol. He has spent a fortune on cleaning products and even tho I have been so mean about this (because I’m terrified) he has tried to follow all my “rules”. I’ve read about a study that *SV is found in saliva up to 13 days after *V has stopped. I’ve made him rinse with antiseptic mouthwash for days and keep all of his hygiene products away from mine. I still haven’t kissed him I miss him and he misses me but is trying. There is so much more I could write about all the stuff we’ve been brought this week but it would go on and on. How are you?? Did you ever get your boyfriends illness? Hope you are well

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    UT
    Posts
    10

    Default Re: When is it "safe" to be with my boyfriend again?

    Hello! First of all, I hope my response can bring you some comfort; I know how stressful it can be when you're in a situation like that, but take a moment to just breathe and know that it will pass!

    No, I never got his illness! I was very thorough about hand-washing and cleaning, and there were a lot of "rules" I established in his recovery to ensure that I wouldn't get it (or at least to minimize my chance of getting it). I made sure that he got a new toothbrush, completely sanitized his bathroom, put brand new sheets on his bed, put all of his dirty laundry into a trash bag for two weeks before being washed (it actually ended up being longer, hahaha...), etc., etc.

    While the precautions I took were very strict and I wanted to make sure that there was absolutely no chance of me getting sick, the amount of time we spent apart was painful. I think it was about two weeks (or even a little more) from the day he v* that I finally worked up the courage to kiss him again. It was about another week and a half after that until I let him actually sleep with me. It all seems very harsh and cold to someone who doesn't understand, I'm sure, but to myself and most people on this site, these precautions are measures that we have to take for our own sanity and peace of mind. Realistically, I probably could have kissed him much sooner than I did and still would have been fine. In fact, the weekend after the weekend he got sick (about 9 days after he v*), he went over to his family's house for a Sunday dinner and none of them got sick, even though he hugged them (I didn't go with him because my anxiety was still too out-of-control).

    Throughout all of this, he has remained very patient and understanding (bless his heart). Just like in your case, before he got sick he had never really seen this phobic side of me; I had told him about it before on many occasions and warned him that if he were to ever get sick, I would go into panic mode and my phobia would take control. While he was aware of it and accepted it, I don't think he realized how truly terrifying a situation like his sv* could be to me until the situation was upon us. Now he knows for sure how much of a toll these things take on me but he is very understanding about it. I'm sure that your husband will understand, too! It's already so nice of him to be following your "rules" and requests about hygiene and cleaning. I know that you feel that you're being "mean" about it to him; I felt the same way when I was dealing with my boyfriend. I felt like I was constantly snapping at him to stay out of the kitchen or to wash his hands again and again, but he knew that my anxiety and emetophobia were the cause of it so he never took it personally. I'm sure your husband knows, too. He can probably see how stressed the situation is making you and just wants you to be feeling better.

    As for the sv* particles in saliva, I have read many, many, many contradicting reports (trust me; the two weeks after by boyfriend was sick I did a LOT of reading on this and similar subjects). Long story short, I think you should be fine. Given the fact that he has been repeatedly using mouthwash, it should be next to impossible that there would be any particles left. Usually they are only present during and immediately after a person has v* (and since it has been 9+ days since your husband was sick, plus the fact that he was using mouthwash) the particles should be well gone by now.

    Hopefully this response wasn't too long, and hopefully it can give you the information you needed! If there is anything else you'd like to talk about, please let me know! I am always here to help and bring you any bit of solace and comfort that I can! You'll be okay!

 

 

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