I'm new and this is my story (long and I apologize for that).

[ash813]

Hi, I am new to this site as a member but I have been reading posts here for a while. Let's see, sorry if this is kind of rambly (if that is even a word) but I just think that I would feel better by sharing about myself and my experiences. I chose to do a bigger font in hopes that it makes it not seem as long. I won't use any trigger words (n* and v* is as far as I will go, those words don't bother me fortunately but I see no reason in making others feel any more uncomfortable). I guess I will start at the beginning.....

I was not always an emetophobic (or whatever we are called). In fact this has been going on for only a couple of years. I remember exactly when it happened about 2 years ago and it was when I had an adverse reaction to an antibiotic (which I ended up being allergic to). I didn't feel good for the whole round of it but I never v*, only felt bad. Once I was done with it, something in me changed and I found myself not able to function like I normally would. I became too scared to eat out or to have anything meat related for fear of food poisoning (not my brightest moment since almost anything can plague you with it). To this day, I am still very wary. I am in the habit of buying frozen fully cooked foods (meat and such) because it makes me feel better about consuming it. If I do happen to eat out, if i see even a little bit of pink or off coloring, I will not eat it. Sometimes I stay awake all night with n* and I believe most of it stems from anxiety (diagnosed with a generalized anxiety disorder) and I am fully aware that it is mainly in my head but it makes no difference. If i feel unwell in any way, my mind will be sure to spiral it out of control. Sometimes, I take sleeping pills just to get me to go to sleep so I can get a break from my thoughts (not the smartest decision).

I haven't really told anyone about my fear (except for my boyfriend and only because we live together and it's kind of hard to hide it). Luckily, he is supportive and doesn't judge me and has been a great help when I start to spiral into the anxiety abyss. He seems to think that my fear is from a time when I was about 10 years old and had an awful case of Salmonella (not from food but from my older brother's pet turtle). I have never v* so much in my life that I can remember and the illness lasted over a month. This seems unlikely to me to be my trigger because I have v* numerous times since then without issue. I have never been a drinker and still will not drink to this day because it can lead to v* and alcohol just doesn't appeal to me. I don't know if it is a control issue and I don't like feeling out of control with myself or what. I have no clue. I know that v* is inevitable and that it will happen at some point no matter how much I do or don't worry about it. If it needs to happen, it will happen, I know that. That doesn't mean that I won't try to stop it though. I don't really know what scares me so much about it. I have experienced it before and I know I will again, but it's different this time. I start to think obsessively about it. I have even thought about making myself v* just to prove to myself that it is not that bad and I will survive, but haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

Lately (the past couple of months), I have been having gallbladder issues (might be gallstones, I find out tomorrow). One of the symptoms of gallbladder issues is n* and sometimes v*. Luckily the latter hasn't happened but the n* does. I know some of it is in my head but some of it has to do with whatever is wrong with me. I had a ct scan a couple of weeks ago and got injected with dye through an iv and days before I was researching side effects of the dye and what to expect. I was obsessed and nervous that I would have an adverse reaction (I didn't and the scan was over before I knew it) but for the days leading up, I was a wreck. I'm also worried about if I have to have surgery, what will the side effects of that be and it just seems to be a never ending cycle. If it's not what I am eating, it is what my body is going through and if it wasn't that, I'm sure I would come up with something else to negatively overcome my thoughts.

My fear has been much worse lately due to the health issues I am having and I just think that knowing I am not alone in this fear and having others to relate to can help ease my mind a little. I am a very open person, any questions or comments (even critical ones) are encouraged and I will answer to the best of my ability and I will try not to be so rambly (I just looked up this word and urban dictionary has a definition for it and that is good enough for me). Thank you for reading this or skimming it. I look forward to hearing from others and hope everyone has a fantastic day/night/birthday (if that applies).

[AndreaAndee]

Hello and welcome! You will find great help here. We have all felt those feelings and have thought a lot of those same thoughts you have. This fear can be awful. Hoping your health resumes and that will give you a more positive outlook. I get a lot of health anxiety and then the obsessive thoughts start. Hang in there and hope you feel better!

[Pigatron]

Welcome, and thanks for sharing your story. I've had this phobia since I was 13 (I'm 41 now) and have been on this website, off and on, for a long time. It has comforted me in times of panic over the years, even just to know that there are others out there who have these same thoughts. Which, to me, honestly sometimes seem so insane and impossible to explain, even though I live with this every day. Good luck with your gallbladder situation!