Feeling REALLY low

[bethany]

hello all, please bear with me as this is rather long, but i needed to get it out.

I haven't posted in a really long time, mostly b/c for a couple years my panic and emet have not been bothering me. I've still been afraid to v*, but I didn't have the anxiety unless it was going around really bad at school or something.
Three weeks or so ago, my twin (redapple) got a stomach virus and V'd. It was the first time in eleven years she had done it. It has been years longer for me. When she got sick,I couldn't care for her, b/c as an emet myself I panicked. I wanted to die b/c I couldn't care for her when she needed me most. I went in a downward spiral, and couldn't stop the anxiety tremors and trembling for 3 days straight. Even after the trembling stopped, I felt anxious constantly, it was really hard for me to go to classes and things. My relationship with my boyfriend was strained b/c he just doesn't understand, and when I just want to stay in and sleep in my own bed instead of staying with him, he gets angry. I can't explain the panic and feeling of dread to him, he just doesn't get it.
Last week was a really good week for me I was able to go to sleep easier at night and things started looking up. I went to the doctor on Friday, she put me back on Prozac and suggested counseling.
Then last night I got nervous again and today has been
bad too. My stomach hurts and my face is flushed. The thing is, I have dealt with this anxiety my entire life. But, after two years of doing really well, I feel like I can't withstand another bad bout, so a lot more depression comes on with this anxiety. I really would just rather die then live like this. What kind of future could I have with this constant fear of v'ing, that brings the agoraphobia and social anxiety?
Is there anyone else out there just at times feels like they don't want to go on?

I try to keep the faith. I've been praying a lot more, and I'm trying really hard. But everytime I have an good day it seems like the next day is that much worse. Like last week I had a really good week, and now I'm back low again. It just seems like when i'm on an up something triggers a low and I just get kicked down again. It's so frustrating and discouraging.

my sister v'd, and she's okay. I feel like she gets to move on with her life now. she did it, and she turned out okay. but i'm the lowest i've been. i feel like she's quite the lucky one and i'm in for a tough road ahead.

sorry this is so long, any encouraging words and prayers would be VERY appreciated. I hope you all are well. much love and prayers for all of you.
-megan

[princessmel]

I'm sorry you are feeling so yucky right now. I know how you are feeling. Think about it though. You've been doing so well for two years. That's great. Your sister got sick. So what. It happens. Don't beat yourself up about it b/c you couldn't help her at the time. You are obviously at very good stage of this phobia where you can deal with a lot, but not that yet. I think I'm at that point too. If my husband got sick, I would probably freak, but I'm not sure. You have to take one day at a time. Little steps. It's hard, but you have to do it. Don't let this one incident throw you off. It's good you went back on the medicine and a therapist might be of help to you. I finally went to one, and I feel great afterwards. Keep your chin up and keep moving on. So you toppled alittle bit. It's ok. Just breathe and try to relax. Let me know how you are doing, ok? Take care. Mel [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[angel13]

Hey megan, sorry to hear things are getting you down! This phobia can be a real bastard (for want of a better word) sometimes. I really know how you feel! It can be so frustrating when you're going well, everything is wonderful in your life, then BAM, you're back to being terrified of the world again. I'm glad your sister has been able to move on, but don't feel bad if you aren't quite ready for all that yet! V*ing is not the right cure for every emet. I know I wouldn't be ready to do it myself, or be by someone as they did it. But that's ok =] because you can take as much time as you need to conquer this. Mel is right - keep your chin up, a smile on your face, and have a "Do your worst, emet! I can take it!" kind of attitude. This low point you're going through will pass, and you'll be stronger. If you fall off your horse, get straight back on again!


If you have MSN at all, you can talk to me anytime, about emet, or anything else ^_^ [email protected]

[laneyb]

I am feeling very low at the moment too. I guess its the time of year and all the sv's flying around the UK at the moment.


I have days when I feel like I just cant go on, but I have to force myself to work, cos If I dont go in, I dont get paid, cant pay the bills and so on.Things have gotten so badon occasion with ill people coming into work, that Inow come home for lunch (I only live 10 mins walk from work) so that I dont have to use the work toilets. I even rejected an offer to go out for a drink with a fellow team leader yesterday at lunch becos I knew if I did I would have to use the toilet!!!!!


Sometimes I think Im loosing my mindand I really need help. I do find it fantastic to be able to come onto this site, it kinda settles my mind a little. I have so far refused to go onto medication but I do have a little bottle of diazepam for when I panic so much, its kinda nice knowing theyre there if I need them.


On a lighter note, just think in a months time or so, Spring will be here and hopefully this wretched season of illness will be over!!


Laney [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]

[bethany]

Thanks so much for all of your replies guys. Sometimes there's no one to talk to, and it's nice to hear from people who understand. I am feeling a little better today, just trying to keep myself busy. I have 18 credit hours this semester, and I'm involved with a few clubs, plus I work, so it helps to get my mind off of things!
You are all such a blessing to me and to each other. Take care. *prayers for all*
-megan