My phobia is ruining my relationship

[sweepi]

Hi all, just after a bit of advice really. Ive had emet for as long as I remember and it got so bad I was hospitalised a few years ago. Things are much better now but ive recently got engaged and trouble is looming [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img] My fiance is getting more and more frustrated with me and its becoming a real problem.

Basically my phobia is an annoyance to my fiance, a BIG one. We're both home all day, most days but when it comes to my fear he gets annoyed. Tonight im on the sofa, i think because ive talked to much about the stomach pains im having.

I love him loads, and sometimes hes great and really tries hard and does help but
his patience is fading by the day. Im pretty sure about two things, my phobia ANNOYS THE LIVING HELL out of him and its becoming clear i may never have his support if i want to beat it, which is a terrifying thought.

Has anyone worked through this type of thing in a relationship?

Thanks for reading, Sweepi




Edited by: sweepi

[curly wurly]

Sorry you are having such a tough time. I know it is hard for our loved ones to understand, but it does seem your fiance is not being very understanding. My husband has always known I do not like v*, but it is only recently that he has learnt just how bad my fear is. He still finds it difficult to understand but he is trying hard.


I cannot see why he has banished you to the sofa. He is your fiance and should try to understand just how bad you are feeling. He should be supporting you not making you feel worse. I hope you manage to sort this out and your fiance learns to understand how you are feeling. Good luck!

[emetojackie]

Hi there,


I'm so sorry to hear that your having a bad time I remeber at the second school I went to a lot of my class found out about my phobia.. and a lot of them would go out thier way to scare me about it. One girl who used to V* a lot would always be so careless about it, and knew how much it hurt and upset me.


If I were you I'd be having some serious words with him. I mean, it can be so hard to get through to people especially when its not affecting them themselves, you get a lot of people who can't see something being that bad unless it actually affects them.. But if your seriously considering spending the rest of your life with this man it does need to get sorted. As curly wurly said he SHOULD be supporting you - it's almost as if he's bullying you and do you really want to get stuck with a bully?


If he cannot help you then I'd think twice about him, theres so many other people out there who could be so understanding and considerate.. maybe your fiance is that - but he just doesn't realise the severity of how you feel about it.. But I'd lay it out to him now.. no hiding your feelings as it'll make it 10x worse in the long run..


Nice to see some fellow United Kingdomers! *waves*


Take Care x

[lgood22573]

My husband of 12 years is completely unsupportive of my emet. I
am able to have a "somewhat" normal life, with working and a child
but if ANY V* comes in the picture or sv*, I completely fall apart. He
thinks it is absolutely ridiculous. The most insensitive thing he says
is if I think I am really nautious. "Go stick your finger down your
throat and get it over with, it's not a big deal and you'll feel better".
Yeah right! When he** freezes over. Some how we manage to
make our marriage work, but my emet does not take over my life, I
am not afraid to work or be around people, I am just overly cautious
about germs and what I will eat in public. But he is not supportive in
the least, and he never will be, I have learned to accept it.

[mitch04133]

I dated a guy for 5 years who was completely unsupportive of my emet. He would be mean to me, wouldn't comfort me, and that would make things worse. I am now dating a wonderful man who is completely supportive of my emet. He tries everything he can to help me though panic attacks, anytime I feel sick, he does everything I ask him to, and most important he never makes me feel stupid about my phobia. In fact since I started dating him, my emet had gotten so much better that I rarely even feel sick anymore.


My advice to you is, sit him down and really explain what you go through. Have him come on the site and read some posts. When I first started dating my bf, I told him early on in the relationship about my emet. At first it was hard for him to handle, but than he did some reading and he started to understand how scary it is for me, now he does anything for me. He has become a handwasher, never complains about not going out to eat, throws away food if its been out or in the refrig to long. He accomidates to my needs without a second thought.


It is hard for the other person to understand what we go through, but he needs to make the effort to understand. I hate to see you go through life with an unsupportive husband. Please try to speak to him about it. Good luck.


MicheleEdited by: mitch04133

[thestruggle]

The thing you really need to do is take a step back and try to understand what areas of your relationship are being affected by the emet. It's easy to say that if he really loved you he'd be more supportive. But I know from my own relationships that our partners endure alot of hardship from this illness also. We are often too caught up in our illness that we don't fully realize what we dump in the lap of others. You have to remember that to those who don't suffer from emet our fear is is completely irrational. It's kind of looked at as a personality flaw. Someone without emet will never fully understand the terror that many of us endure every day.





Having said that, simply try to find out what parts of your illness bother your fiance the most. I know in my case, I didn't realize that we hadn't gone out as a couple for over a year. No movies, no dinner at a restaurant, no playing cards with friends.I remember the depression and wishingI could do all the things that I was missing out on but it neverdawned on me that my fiance was missing out on life just as much as I was. It wasn't until I started to do much better that I realized the extent to which my illness disrupted my family and their daily lives. And all of it for anillness that was "in my head". Do your best to look after your role in the relationship. If he is unwilling to offeryou any support or communicate with you on how your illness is affecting him thenobviously there isn't going to be much you cando to correctthings. If he is just completely unwilling to understand what you're going through then the relationshipjust isn't going to work. Emet will always be a part of your life and it will always affect you, whether your're "cured" or not.

[ontariogirl]

My teenage years, yuck. I scared the boyfriends away. It was horrible.
Later on I hid the phobia. I was friends with this guy for 11 years, we got married lasted maybe over a year & divorced. He had no idea either. I hid the 'petrified of vomiting" I had no idea I had a phobia. Learning from the past and losing relationships I had to hide it very well. Then 7 years ago I met a man, found out I have a phobia and I was relieved. For the first time I told him about my phobia. He is very supportive. He understands if I don't go out with him to places, he understands whenI am feeling panic to just leave me alone. He understands why I complain so much from a pain in my stomach to a cut on my finger thinking its infected. He loves me for who I am and I can't ask for a better person in my life

[lyndsayanne]

hi


I have to answer on this topic. I have been with my partner for 7 years and we have two wee boys together and he has never been very supportive of my phobia and although i was hospitalized after a breakdown he still does not understand. however what is the alternative i would simply not be able to cope without him struggleing with emet and my kids therefore i think that i am better with him than without.


lyndsay[img]smileys/smilies_05.gif[/img]

[neesy]

Lyndsayanne, apologies if this you have posted about this, but was your breakdown due to emetophobia? (if you dont mind me asking)!

[lyndsayanne]

yes and no partly due to post natal deprresion and anxiety anxiety caused n* and eventually i could no longer face eating sleeping or even drinking


lyndsay

[~daisy~]

I went out with this guy for a year and a half and after a year of seeing him, I told him about my phobia and he was very understanding of it...but he would still ask me to go out to eat or do other things that he knows I wouldn't do...and he would even get mad about it sometimes...so I guess he didn't understand it 100%. But then again, you can't really understand it that much unless youhave it. So all I asked him is not to get mad at me because of it. Buthe ended up cheating on me and breaking up with me because I couldn't do all the things he wanted me to do. I just wish some people would be more understanding of this...[img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img]


Vero

[lyndsayanne]

hi


I think that it is a hard phobia to understand if you don't have it, my partner tries to understand but it gets to the stage he will just say go and do it IF ONLY IT WAS THAT EASY! But to most people it is a natural bodily function. I really wish I could find a way to over come it because don;t want my kids to feel this way when they are older.


lyndsayanne

[fifitrixibell]

I met by boyfriend a few years ago, when we were both non-drinkers. Now he has re-discovered alcohol and it is causing problems. Sometimes he understands, if he's in a good mood, and other times he will say to me 'you always feel sick!!!'

Once, when he v* whilst i was staying at his university, i stayed in someone elses room and refused to go into his. It terrified me because i hardly knew his other uni friends and i had to stay up till 6am....and the next day HE got mad at ME!

I once again, told him how distressed i was and everything was okay...

But last week he v* up loads after drinking excessivly...drinking absynth which is practially illegal! I ran upstairs and my hosuemate looked after him, but the amount he v* you would not believe! The next morning i left the house and he knew i was ingoring him. I got back about 8pm and still ignored him. I just didnt know what to say. I didnt think he could be so insensitive to get so horribly drunk whilst living in my house. It's like he doesnt get how much i dislike it. Him being downstairs doesnt make a difference, i still become a nervous wreck. In the end he started getting angry saying he could accept that i didnt sit with him but he couldnt accept that i got so mad!!!
He doesnt get that its not just about sight of v*, after all, not many people like that, but for me it relates back to having no control. I'm 20 years old for Gods sake and i still need someone to sit with me when i feel ill and make me feel better.

I just want him to do some research and look at peoples stories and experiences so that he understands how terrible emets feel at the prospect of someone v*

Edited by: fifitrixibell

[japa]

fifitrixibell -


What concerns me about this is why does your boyfriend feel the need to drink to this much excess and how often does it occur? His not understanding your concerns is really a secondary issue to the fact that he is abusing alcohol. Do you want to be with a guy who loves to get wasted this much (leaving issues of vomiting aside)? Just think about it.

I met by boyfriend a few years ago, when we were both non-drinkers. Now he has re-discovered alcohol and it is causing problems. Sometimes he understands, if he's in a good mood, and other times he will say to me 'you always feel sick!!!'

Once, when he v* whilst i was staying at his university, i stayed in someone elses room and refused to go into his. It terrified me because i hardly knew his other uni friends and i had to stay up till 6am....and the next day HE got mad at ME!

I once again, told him how distressed i was and everything was okay...

But last week he v* up loads after drinking excessivly...drinking absynth which is practially illegal! I ran upstairs and my hosuemate looked after him, but the amount he v* you would not believe! The next morning i left the house and he knew i was ingoring him. I got back about 8pm and still ignored him. I just didnt know what to say. I didnt think he could be so insensitive to get so horribly drunk whilst living in my house. It's like he doesnt get how much i dislike it. Him being downstairs doesnt make a difference, i still become a nervous wreck. In the end he started getting angry saying he could accept that i didnt sit with him but he couldnt accept that i got so mad!!!
He doesnt get that its not just about sight of v*, after all, not many people like that, but for me it relates back to having no control. I'm 20 years old for Gods sake and i still need someone to sit with me when i feel ill and make me feel better.

I just want him to do some research and look at peoples stories and experiences so that he understands how terrible emets feel at the prospect of someone v*

[sally]

Hi,


Every fall-winter, I don't sleep well - as I am waiting to hear one of my kids get sick-and then I go into a complete panic--my husband does not understand and he just tells me to stop it or knock it off...I want to run as far away as possible-I am so sick of feeling likea freak--every year he says he will try and be kinder about my problem but every year he gets meaner......he acts like I WANT to be this way--I am so grateful to find this site and know that others are like me...husbands, wives, friends of people like us need to understand that we don't act like this to cause trouble--I would like to hear from others about this too....

[lyndsayanne]

hi sally


i have similar problems with my partner he hates it when i get panicky and is always telling me of cos in the winter months every time one of the kids cough i am like" r u ok do you feel sick " and on saturday i had a really bad panic attack through n* and had to leave the room and come upstairs cos i could see he was getting annoyed with me having read some of the other posts alot of people r of the opinion if he does not support you then leave again i don't see that as an option as in every other aspect of our relationship is fine and also i think from our partners point of view it is a very hard phobia for them to understand


feel free to pm or email me


lyndsayanne

[swoopes]

Sally- I am awake many nights waiting for the sounds of my kids to throw up too. It is hard in the night time when not much is going on to distract your thoughts. I have been told I may require to be hospitalzed for 3-4 days to get a jump start on my therapy any advice about if it is a good idea-swoopes

[crimgoddess]

I think sometimes we need to step back and realize that living with someone who has this phobia isn't easy. The fact that I have it frustrates the living hell out of me- and if it frustrates me,I'm probably right in assuming it frustratesmy partner.


My boyfriend is a nurse and sees/has to deal with vomit on an almost daily basis (especially at the moment- lately he has been assigned a lot of drug overdose cases). So, when I start in on something related to this phobia, his entire body language changes, he talks in a short clipped manner, and you can really tell it's a major annoyance. As more time goes by, the more it frustrates him- and from his position I can really see why.


When you're feeling sick would you want the person who loves you's biggest concernt to be ifyou are going to vomit, when, and where- not empathy for not feeling well? Also, when going out and having a good time, would you want your partner to constantly monitor how much you are drinking and remind you not to go overboard- not because you necessarily want to prevent them from not feeling well, but because you are worried how them drinking to excess may affect you? I know that I am guilty of these things, and outside of the situation I can realize how they can be a source of frustration- or even hurt. But at the time, its so hard to let these things slide.


That's not saying that anyone should disrespect you- as much as I think they should cut us some slack, I do think at times they need to be cut some slack as well. This phobia is devoid of all logic or rationale- and how we justify our actions to ourselves in relation to it can seem completely bizarre to others and difficult to understand. I know for myself, as someone who only fears others being ill, some of the actions of people who fear themselves getting sick sound completely counterproductive and strange- and this is from someone who does have this phobia, but with a different variation. That's not saying that the people are strange or wrong-but at times this phobia can take over.The way I see it, perhaps the focus should be more on treatment and getting cured- that way the focus will be on the positives and the move towards change as opposed to the negativity of this phobia.


I know it seems completely harsh, but I know myself I would not knowingly enter into a serious relationship with someone who's emet is severe. I know that I just don't have the patience to deal with it, and would rather not knowingly put myself in a situation that I know will be a great source of conflict and frustration. I know this seems to be a completely bizarre statement for an emet to make, but I know my limitations as a human being. If the phobia developped afterwards, it would be something that I would deal with to the best of my abilities, but as for a pre-existing condition, it would be extremely hard for me.


I have a hard time having this phobia myself!!!


*amber*


Edited by: crimgoddess