OT--Pathetic Again--In a Bind

[californiagirl]

Sorry, gonna be long, but please read, I need some serious guidance --


Ok, I know this is rather horrible of me and somewhat controversial, but here goes: I signed up with the www.classmates.com site, where you can read about and contact old friends and people you went to school with. Well, I am having marital probs and the biggest is that my hubby doesn't show me any physical attention, and s*x (sorry) is once, maybe twice a week and boring. Well, he doesn't touch me any other time, and gives me small pecks rather than real kisses, things like that. When I confront him, he says things like, "I don't feel like it". He is a decent guy, but says very hurtful things to me until I'm crying, then he wants me to shut up because I'm annoying him. ANYWAYS, during a vulnerable moment I sent a message through Classmates to a guy from middle and high school that I always had a major crush on, but we actually never spoke to each other! He wrote back that same day, and he gave me his phne #, so we've talked a few times as well. He is going through a divorce, and I'm unhappily married. Here's the weird parts: He told me he always thought I was "hot" but was too embarrassed to talk to me, he says that he feels "happy" when we talk, he says that if we would've talked back then, our lives would be differentnow because we'd prob be together. Here's the REALLY weird part: We had mutual friends in school, and he was talking to one of them about me just a few days before I contacted him out-of-the-blue!!! Also, the night he got my message was his first night alone-his wife had moved out!!!! Mind you, we graduated school 20 years ago! All of a sudden we both were thinking of each other after all this time. How weird is that?!?!?!?! He says it's "fate", and wants to see me next month. He lives about 4 hours away in California, and I have this uncontrollable urge to see him, and look forward to talking on the phone again this weekend. HELP!!!! Am I terrible? Do you think this is fate and is maybe meant to be?? What would YOU do?? I'd love some feedback.....Edited by: californiagirl

[stella9]

Bad move to act on this one. Both of you, meaning the ex-class mate, are going through rough marriages. The only thing that this could spell at this time is T-R-O-U-B-L-E. Just having s*x with this guy, would make you an adulterer. There is no other way to say it.


If you are having marriage problems, work them out FIRST. Either get into counseling or get a divorce. Then, if you wish to develop something with your ex-class mate, you are in the free and clear. Fooling around with this now could only complicate whatever problems you and your spouse are having. It will resolve nothing.


I am sorry to be so blunt, but after being a private investigator for so long I know the drill. Even though I do corporate investigations, I am also trained in domestics. What you are expressing is not fate, its trouble. You know how many ex-classmate stories I have heard? This is not the unique, but the typical scenario. How simple - pull someone from the past. Its comfortable. Its a known people pool to pull from. While he thinks you called him "out of the blue," you did not. Its a whole lot more comfortable to gothat direction (backwards) than to move forward into the unknown. If for any reason it is "fated" for the two of you to betogether then youwillget together - after your divorce.


Stella


I

[gubba]

If you think that you can meet him and do nothing, then I think it will be o.k. If you think that you will jump him and get involved, I think you should resolve issues at home, or get separated and move on. Don't cheat and then let your husband say that you were the unfaithful one.

[curly wurly]

I think you should be very careful. You have had a tough time at the moment and it would be awful if you got hurt again. I think it is important that you try and sort out your marriage problems first. This would just create more problems. If later on things do not work out with your husband then you could have contact with your old friend, but at present I think it is more important to sort out your feelings for your husband without any other complicated situations. I hope everything goes well for you.

[shiva]

You could be careful, you could ignore it all together or you could throw caution to the wind and go with your gut. Thing is, once you do whatever it is you are thinking about doing, it cannot be reversed. You need to make sure in advance that you are able to deal with whatever consequences are around the corner. Every action has a consequence... If you are fine with the possible consequences then that is your decision...

A couple quick stories for you.. I was married for 6 years when I met my fiance. We met online (yuk-I am very ashamed of that.. Neither of us were looking, it just happened) There was just this connection. My marriage sucked way before I met him. I had friends and family who lived where he did, so I took a chance and flew out to meet him. It was amazing. I have moments where I regret how my marriage ended, but I don't think I would change what I have done because my life feels like it has much more meaning now.

My sister dated a guy when she was 19 (she's now 34). Anytime she met another guy she would always compare them to Adam (the guy she dated when she was 19). It was starting to get really old. Finally (after my experience), I convinced her to look Adam up. She did. She learned that he was in a bad relationship and engaged. He came home for a visit and they fell in love all over again. He quickly moved back, moved in with my sister and they got married less than a year later. They just bought a house and are planning to have children soon. They are very happy.. And to think.. She had a boyfriend and he was engaged.

However, both of those stories could have gone very wrong and had very different outcomes. We were both lucky. We all took gambles and we all ended up happy with the results. Unfortunately, life doesn't always go that way.

Have you thought about counseling with hubby?

[marby]

California Girl -


Probably not what you want to hear, but I wouldn't do it. Ask yourself if you would have ever contacted him if you were happy in your marriage (probably not since you hadn't in years) and, would you want to meet with him (I'm assuming without your husband knowing) if you were happy in your marriage? Your home issue needs to be thought about/resolved one way or another before you jump into something else. You and your classmate friend are BOTH very vulnerable right now. If there is anything there - the only fair shot you have at a successful relationship is to BOTH be available physically, emotionally and legally. I can tell you from experience that nothing good ever comes from something like this. I'm not trying to judge you or tell you how you feel - people historically have to learn things on their own - just offering up a bit of advice from experience.


Step back and think things through before you jump, OK?


Marby

[SimplyMe]

I agree w/ finishing or fixing your current relationship before tempting yourself w/ another. Personally I wouldn't go because you are both vulnerable and looking for soemthing you aren't getting and it's a recipe for disaster. I know your hubby isn't quite how you'd like him to be but he is your hubby, unless you choose to leave him. Ultimately it will be your decision but sometimes it's better to think w/ your head rather than your heart/horomones lol/emotions. I can see where you'd want to meet up, he is saying al the right things etc but even if you met up, left your hubby and got w/ this guy you would know it began dishonestly and also you'd both be going in at a time of, for lack of a better word, desperation or lonliness. Not the best way to begin a relationship. I think you should just figure out where your marriage is going and wher eyou want it to go and if you do end up single again then seek this other guys out. Good luck! We're here for ya!

[mitch04133]

Getting involved in anthoer emotional relationship is something you should not do. You are trying to make up for what you are lacking in your marriage. You need to first deceide if you are going to work through your marriage befor getting involved in another emotional relationship. Once you do something there is no going back and will you be able to live with the consequences? Please think this through before jumping into another relationship. Cheating is the worst thing you can do if you want to work things out in your marriage, and it doesn't always mean a happy ending.

[californiagirl]

Thank you everyone!!


You all made a lot of sense. The thing is, is that I don't know if I wanna continue in my marriage, and think that if I meet with the other guy (no intimacy, I WON'T do that while married), but just meet with him, talk and see what he's like. THEN, I can better weigh my options. If I feel that I would like to pursue another relationship then I'll tell hubby that I want a divorce. If I meet with this guy and miss hubby the whole time then I have my answer, that my marriage does mean something to me. I can better put things into perspective. I hate what-ifs, and if I don't do this, then I'll be stuck in this passion-less heartbreaking marriage and wonder what would have happened if I met the other guy, and if I gave up a chance at happiness by being with someone who makes me feel wanted. I will not cheat on hubby, feel very strong about that, so if I like the other guy I will do the right thing and end my marriage at that point. I just need to know how I would feel seeing him--either guilty or not, then I'll have my answer. Does this make sense to anyone??

[californiagirl]

Oh, and I need to add also that hubby blames me for all of his depression and downfalls, and says he may be "cold" toward me forever, doesn't know if he'll ever be affectionate again. This is funny, since his friends told me that he was always a depressed "doom and gloom" guy since he was a kid!!!! But it's my fault even though we've known each other for 7 years. He also said he will not get counseling!!

[mitch04133]

I know what you are going through Charlene. Although I wasn't married, I dated and lived with a guy for 5 years. He was the same way with me. No physical touching, withheld his emotions, he had emotional problems wouldn't go and get help. He yelled at me alot and called me names, wasn't supportive, he cheated on meso on and so on. I always toyed with the notion of leaving. He supported me finacially when I was layed off, and I was very dependent on him. (this was just last year) Well last Christmas when I put away all the christmas decorations, I decided by summer I was going to leave him. So I pack the things I wanted and bought seperately. Then came April 16th...


I was home all by myself like usual and my neighbor next door came over and said she was having people over for a bbq/bon fire so I went. In fact I didn't even take a shower that day or put on makeup, I was just depressed. Well later on that night they said this guy Scott and his son were going to come over. I didn't think much of it. In fact they were talking about how he was ging through a really rough divorce. So when he pulled up and walked out of his truck, the second I saw him I knew I wanted to be with him, in fact later on that night I talked to my sister and told her i just met the man I was going to marry. We really didn't talk much that night, but the following weekend we all went to the bar. I knew he was going to I got my hair done, and all dolled up. I knew at that point my current relationship was over. And the rest is history. I have been unbelievably happy for the the past 10 months with Scott, I have never been so in love. He treats me the way I always dreamed a man should treat a woman.


I think if you know in your heart you want to end your marriage, then meeting this man is the wa to end it. I am not saying it's the healthy way to end it, cause jumping into a relationship after ending one doesn't always work out. But if you feel that you "need" to do this than do it. Just be careful. I wish you luck.


Michele

[californiagirl]

MICHELE~~~~


WOW--what a similar story to mine!! So you know exactly how I feel!! That's why I feel I need to meet with this guy on an innocent level, because then I think I will have my answer, based on how I feel with him. I just cannot see going through the second half of my life in a passionless, cold-hearted marriage. I am a woman, and need hugs, kisses, and to be shown appreciation for everything I do. Thanks Michele, you actually helped me alot!!!

[tink]

Hey Charlene,

Well, it does sound like there is many issues going on in your marriage that you have been noticing way before this other gentleman came into the picture. And that should tell you alot right there. I think if you have spoken with your hubby about all this, and he isnt willing to try and make it better, then you do have a tough decision to make. Because it is your life too, and you need to be happy. Like you said, you need hugs and kisses to be happy. (as we all do in a marriage). If you are doing everything you can to make it work, then that is all you can do.

Dont take this wrong, but I was kind of giggling when I read your post. You sound so much like me!! I am a huge believer in fate, and your story sounds so amazing. I know I have put my faith into situations in the past because the parts seemed to come together so well. I always believed that a great romance would fall together much like your situation seems to be. But with that said, take your time with this. Work with your husband and find out what you really want. Try and keep this other guy out of your decisions, and do the right thing. If it is meant to be, you will be with him after your emotions have settled. You will just feel better about it in the long run if you go that route. If you end up with the new guy, or stay with your husband, you will still feel good about yourself and your decisions. Also remember, you can just be by yourself for awhile. Its not as scary as it sounds, and it clears your head so you can go forward and fall in love with no outside influences.

Take Care,
--Kim

[mitch04133]

I'm glad I could help Charlene, you deserve to be happy, and I really mean that you really do deserve to be happy. I am a big believer in fate too, but I do have to tell you that if you do decide to leave your marriage, it can be difficult. I want you o think things through but also follow your heart. My heart and my mind were on the same track and I knew it was time to leave. I think you might be feeling the same thing, but admitting that to yourself and to your husband is the hardest part. Sometimes taking chances is what makes life better and sometimes worse, but like you said, you will always end up wondering. My life is complete now I have Scott, and I am glad I took that chance, and I never look back. But it was difficult to come to that conculsion. And, Scott to left a bad marriage. His ex-wife was very mean to him too. She was very controlling. And we are both so happy that we have each other.


If I was you, would I go? I know I would. But you need to be sure that you are ready to give up your marriage if it comes down to that. No one should be treated with disrespect...

[reese]

I don't think that your feelings for anyone else should dictate how you feel
about your marriage. If you are unhappy, then you should leave regardless
of how you feel about anyone else. You deserve an emotionally fulfilling
marriage (after all, isn't that the point of marriage?), and I agree that you
probably already know exactly what you need to do.

[californiagirl]

Thank you again, all of you. There are such nice and helpful people here!! SOmetimes we need to get some advice on life situations, and every time I ask for advice, I feel so much better and can think more clearly after I read the replies I get from you. You guys understand, and reinforce the fact that I am only human, and in a tough bind. I think I know what I may do now.......

[reese]

Regardless of what you do, I hope that everything works out for the best and
that you find a happy place in life.

[happyteacher]

well said reese,


California - You can't make decisions based on whether someone is waiting in the wings to move on to, you have to make the decision based on your needs. The decisions you make about your marriage shouldn't change if you end up by yourself or with someone else.


Also, moving into another relationship right away is dangerous. You need time to heal first and find yourself first.

[arialmina]

Hi


You dont know if you see him again that you wont go to bed with him. I am embarrest to the next story and my english aren't very good. My husbant was a strong verbal abuser. He would brake anything he saw when he was mad at me. I've tried everything to let our marriage work. Communication is very important.


He told me one day he's going to do what want, and if i dont like it i must take my thing f...off. I've moved out and meet this guy who i liked long ago. Just one kiss leads to something more. I wasn't divorced yet and made a total fool of myself and get even more hurt.


Dont do this to yourself please. I know you feel lonely and sad, but think this through. This guy can hurt you even more.

[marby]

Californiagirl:


You say in your first post that you never actually even talked to this guy in high school, just had a crush on him. What makes you think meeting him one time willeven remotely allow you to determineanything? If you hate "what-if's" and feel the need to meet with the guy from high school, then it's sounds like you've already answered your question about your marriage - do the right thing and start divorce proceedings before you meet with him. If it works out - great and if not, you will still have the freedom to pursue other "what-if's". What I don't think is fair is to wait and see how you feel about the other guy before you decide what to do about your marriage. You either want to be married or not - having your cake and eating it too isn't fair to anyone (even to you, although it may sound good).


Does your husband have any inclination you are thinking of divorcing him? If not - maybe you should talk to him before you make any decisions. Together, you may decide that the marriage really isn't right for either of you.