Way OT: Advice Please! (UPDATED)

[SimplyMe]

OK. LOL prepare for a long one.


My b/f lives in S. Fla, I live in Central Fla and he is from N. Fla. (I promise this will be relevant) So we're doing the long distance thing (which sux but whatever, it's life for now). Anyhow, We had been together and broke up for a while over stupid arguments that just led to "screw this I'm done" (I know I'm a hot head) Anyhow we got back together around Christmas.


In the beginning of Jan. he had to go to NY for a w/e for work. (this too will be relevent).


So, this w/e he came up for Valentine's Day since we won't be together today. Well we had a GREAT time! He FINALLY said he loves me, it was great! So, he leaves and a while later I go online and I was going to leave a sweet comment for him on myspace. Well, I go there and one of his female friends (from N fla who I never met but am told isa great friend to him, more on that later) had previously posted soemthign but now she finally had a pic up so, curious me, I look. Oh and there were pictures! There was one of her and my b/f in NY! The time he was up there! She was kind enough to add the date plus the pic had the date on it. So, I call the b/f on his ride home. "WTF?!" I went thru the whole, was it even a business thing etc. He said yes he was there on business, she called while he was up there (he was there a fri morning-sun afternoon) and having a hard time so he told her if she could get up there they'd hang out when he wasn't working (she was there supposedly sat morning - sun morning. is that even possible, that last minute?). OK, so why not tell me? He says he thought I'd flip! Well damn straight I"m flipping now! I admit I would not have been thriled then but now I'm wondering what the big secret was if it's so damn innocent! He gave me the ex wife story too how she was very untrusting and he'd not tell her innocent things cuz she'd freak. I'm NOT his ex tho! DUH!


Anyhow, let me add he and this girl were friends for a long time, dated for a bit (broke up when she found herself interested in someone else, yeah great) and are friends still. They broke up over 3 yrs ago.


Now, here's my issue (or one of them lol). What do I do? I really don't think anything improper happened. Actually had I known about it when it happened I wouldn't have thought that at all the truth is there is some doubt in my mind but I'm 90% sure nothing did. It's not so much she went it's that he withheld it from me ya know?


So, this all happened Sunday evening. We talked then and we talked last night and he really wants to work thru this. Me, not so sure. I mean I do because I want to be w/ him, if it werent' for this there would be no question in my mind. But at the same time I'm havign real trouble w/ this. I know it's only been a day and a half since it happened but I really have issues w/ her now and its his friends. He's willing to put their friendship on hold (well, just keep a distance) until we work thru everyhting but what if we never do? I mean she lives in N fla which is where his family is. He will be up there and even if he tells me he isn't hanging out w/ her how will I know that?! He admits it was wrong to keep it from me, admits he'd have issues had the tables been turned, has apologized alot. I mean he really is trying to make things OK but I'm afraid they never will be. It's still so fresh.


So what I'm asking is what would you do? What should I do? Have you ever been in a similar position? How'd it work out? Are we doomed? lol That's more than one question uh? lol I really want honest opinions, no sugar coating lol. I'm so afraid the people I ha

[kellybean]

Hey Simply, I don't think you are over reacting at all. Your bf, was keeping something from you, and you have every right to be upset. You need to have trust in a relationship otherwise, what's the point? It would be really hard to care about the each other if you didn't think the other person was telling you the truth. If that happend to me, I would seriously doubt everything about my SO, and I would ask myself if I could ever trust him again. But that's just me, I have a really hard time trusting anyone. It's really up to you to decide if you think he's being sincere in everything he's telling you.I'm not the best advice giver, but that's my point of view on trust.


Kelly

[kate1966]

I had a similar incident...well except for the fact that me and my husband have been married for 16 yrs...and i found out over the course of about 2 months that he was calling his old "friend" from high school...and he'd been getting his haircut there from her for about the same amount of time...which i was fine with at the time b/c i thought they were just friends...and i was not jealous at all until i found on our cell phone bill that he had called her 36 times in about 2 months......so he claims that he was just feeling lonely and that nothing happened and that blah blah....but the point is....i HAD to make the decision to end my marraige or just trust that he did nothing other than talk.......so that's what you will have to do....i am getting over the hurt now....and have learned that no matter what people do, they can still love you and do things you will not like or approve......i know how you must be feeling.....but if you really love this guy and want to be with him...you have to decide whether or not to hold this against him or not........trust what your heart tells you. I hope that things work out .......and believe me....it's so hard for me to keep trusting my husband after this...but he's done one other thing that is questionable too...so but anyway.....i hope that you find it in your heart the answer you need.

[mitch04133]

I have been in the same exact situation. I was living with the guy though. I dated him for 5 1/2 years, and he was "friends" with his ex. It really bothered me. He would go places with her and not tell me cause I would freak out about it. I tried really hard to not let it get to me, but if he was hiding this what else was he hiding. I knew he wasn't cheating on me with her since she had a boyfriend that she lived with and we were all friends with, but the relationship he had with her made me feel very uncomfortable. So I told him how uncomfortable the relationship made me and told him he would have to end it to be with her. I thought this might be asking to much, but then I thought, if he wants to try and build a relationship, and trust one another, then he will have to give things up. Especially he should want to if it is hurting me and he really does want our relationship to last. So for a while he didn't talk to her, then he started sneaking around again. Needless to say I am not with this guy anymore.


I think what your boyfriend did is inappropriate. He should not of hide what happened. And if he really does want to make the relationship end he will end all inappropriate behavior. I am not saying end the friendship, but the sneaking around, the spending weekends together. (Did I mention my ex actually went on vaction without me and went with her)You have every right to wonder and question his intentions. And wheter you think something happened or not, you know in your gut if the relationship he has with her is something more. Don't lie to yourself cause you can feel those things.


MicheleEdited by: mitch04133

[tabycat]

I would just talk about it. My best friend just went through a very similar situation. She had been working at Disney World, and met this guy that she thought was perfect for he. He seemed ridiculously nice and they had fun together, he went back home(Arizona) and they stayed together. She was supposed to visit him there in October and he asked her not to, she thought it was because of work. So it wasn't a big deal, he had a "friend" that he was always really concerned about and worried that she was doing things that weren't good for her, which is understandable. Well eventually she's playing around on myspace and finds pictures of them actually kissing on there. And that's just not cool. She said if they had just been kissing it wouldn't have been a big deal because she'd been making out with one of her friends for a while and not telling him about it, but he had the audacity to get into a relationship with this other girl while they were supposed to be together still. They ended up breaking up but that was for the best. I mean you've talked to him, and I understand that feeling there are things my boyfriend doesn't tell me just because he doesn't think about it. But when I do find out I usually flip out. It would be better if they would just tell us and not try to hide things.


This post has gotten way to long I'm quitting!

[californiagirl]

I agree with what everyone's saying, he should not have kept this from you. Me myself, I wouldbe suspicious, but I have a hard time trusting, because I have an ex-hubby who would keep things from me, obviously because I'd get mad at the truth. The situation you're in would not go over well with me at all, and I'm sorry to say that. Personally, I'd give him an ultimatum, it's either you or her, and the reason I'd do that is for one: they used to be in a relationship, and two: because SHE ended things with HIM, so he may have some unresolved feelings, but I could be wrong. If their intimate relationship ended, then having contact w/each other is a ticking time bomb. I know from experience. I was w/someone who kept in touch w/an old gf, and since they were comfortable w/each other, they'd sleep together once in a while, and dumb me didn't realize it because he kept it from me. Let me just end by telling you that YOU need to feel comfortable in the relationship, and women's instincts are very strong: trust what you're heart and head are telling you, and good luck, I hope all works out for you[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img] Edited by: californiagirl

[SimplyMe]

Thanks guys! I'm really having a hard time w/ it. I don't really think anything went on w/ them and they live further apart than he and I do but why hide it ya know? I don't know. I was telling one of my friends today, he's totally "jumping thru the hoops" so to speak. He's really trying and I see that but then I wonder is it guilt or does he really want to make this work and realize he was wrong. I just don't know what to do or where to begin. I don't want to be an idiot ya know? It's like if I leave and then later find out I should have stayed or if I stay and later find out I shouldn't have I will be a moron either way. UGH!


I knew going in that he is friends w/ a few ex's really as am I so I don't feel like I can say anything about it ya know? It's so complicated. Thanks for your honesty guys! I wish there was a book where you look up the offense and it tells you what to do lol.

[tayda]

I totally don't blame you for being angry! You have every right to be. WITHOLDING information like that is equal to lieing in my books. He even told you that he would have had a problem w/ the situation had the tables been turned! It sounds like a double standard. I think that next time, he will be more careful to not get caught, that's all.


My ex- was "friends" w/ an old "friend".. either way, I will leave out the nasty details, but the situation was similar to yours... almost identical.. and I found out, and confronted him, asked him why he didn't tell me, etc... and he promised never to do it again and withhold infor.. blah blah blah


Anyways, thorughout the course of 2 months, I figured it out for myself that he was just being sly..


Not every guy is like this.. and your b/f could be sincere so don't pass judgment.. but he was wrong.. and you are vindicated in your feelings

[princessmel]

I haven't had a similar situation like that with my husband, but several with exes. I have a hard time trusting also probably b/c of my past experiences. I don't know what to say really b/c it's your choice on what u want to do. I mean I have had problems with my husband about the computer bulls*** (not anymore thank goodness), but you can get advice from anyone in the world, and it helps a little, but it's really up to you. I talked and cried to family and friends about what he was doing on there for a year, but it did no good. My mom finally got to the point where she was like, I don't know what to tell you Mel. It's up to you. Do you want to live with this or not? The fact that he was in a picture with her is suspicious enough. I would be so f***ing mad. I don't know what I would do. And why did he lie or not say anything about it? B/c heknew that u would get mad? Well, like you said, your damn right. It's bullcrap. I'm not for secretive crap. Plus, you had to find the picture on your own. Is this going to happen again? In my opinion, that's bulls***. One little lie leads to others. I would sit down and have a serious talk with him. Set some boundaries. How did you feel about this girl before this happened? Then the rest is up to you. Do what's bestfor you. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but that's totally not right. Where in Florida do you live? I live in Sarasota. South of Tampa. I hope everything works out for you.

[SimplyMe]

Thanks for all your help adn advice guys! I may be dumb but I've decided to try w/ him. Before this I never questioned his fidelity so that is playing part in it. He also doesn't see her often and we have worked out that he will not see her at all until/if I am comfortable w/ it. He will maintain a "distant" friendship w/ her. If that isn't working and it's too hard on my he will put his friendship on hold w/ her. I really hope that it's the right thing to do and in my heart I don't feel anything inappropriate happened. She also lives further from himt han I do so in some ways I think that helps. Anyhow thanks again! And please if you want to call me a moron feel free to.

[aguerra29]

If you really care about him than good-for-you for trying to make it work. The first year of my relationship with my husband was long distance. It sucked. We did the whole "we're not bf/gf" thing, so we couldn't get mad at each other for any infidelities. Now, we were quite young at the time 22-23yrs old. He was ALWAYS honest with me and I ALWAYS had the opportunity to leave. You are not married and not even engaged - so he really has no reason to lie to you. I would seriously question why he didn't tell you. I would make it very clear that honesty is a must - even if it hurts. If you find yourself always worrying and fretting about what he is doing, then you may be doing the wrong thing. What broke up his first marriage? Infidelity? What do you want from this relationship? THese are things you two need to talk about.

[joeylynn]

What's wrong with. He's a slimeball. A cheating b*. If it were an innocent encounter he would not have hid it. If he wanted company on this trip maybe he should have taken YOU -- not invited her at the last minute. Just for s* and giggles look up the cost of last minute airfare from Florida to NY and see exactly how bad she wanted to be with him!!! Besides by the time her flight got in their time would have been severly limited!!!


Kick him to the curb and find a man who will love, respect and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Have some respect for yourself.


I have to assume that you are VERY young or you would not have a problem moving on!!!


I hope you find yourself in a better situation -- soon!

[crazybeautiful]

I wish that all 'exs' could just be erased from memory! They always come back to haunt and cause all of us (especially me - who is paranoid about everything!) to worry!


I would be upset that he kept this from you, but I think you have to ask yourself if you trust this man completely and want to be with him. Then you'll have your answer.

[kellybean]

I'm glad you made a decision that you are comfortable with. Sometimes people make decisions based on what everyone else says, and they are not happy. You have to live for you. I hopeall goes well with you to!!!!![img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]


Kelly

[SimplyMe]

"What broke up his first marriage? Infidelity?"


Yes, but not his. His exwife cheated on him. That is partly why I never worried about it before. I don't really feel like anything happened it's only because he kept it from me. Had he told me I wouldn't have even thought anything bad.


joeylynn, you absolutely raise an excellent question w/ the airfare. As a nonflyer that wasn't really anythign I thought of. From what I understand she was going thru alot and wanted out of town bad regardless of who w/. However this is of course only his story so ...


I'm actually not VERY young, I'm 27 so young as in I can't retire anytime soon lol but not as in a starry eyed teenager (no offense to the teens on here). I think the reason I'm having a hard time IS because he didn't tell me. I know that's a flashing warning sign. But I also know (well from what he's told me about his ex even before all of this) that she would get on him for just talking to a female coworker and accuse him of cheating w/ her. So I do see that past relationships teach us how to act in future relationships. He's had to deal w/ my baggage as well. That said my own baggage has to do w/ not being told the truth or with holding info. So it's hard. I really don't know if I made the right choice. I'm hoping I have but who can really say. I knwo how he comes across, as sincerely sorry, admitting he's wrong, willing to do what it takes to gain my trust so part of me says "why do that if he doesn't want to be w/ me" but the other part says "because he's guilty." U;timately tho because we do have a LD relationship I don't see what he would gain from staying w/ me other than if he wanted to. We don't see each other often so it isn't a sex thing and I probably give him more sh** than anyone else. I don't know. Maybe I'm in denial.

[sillygirl]

Sorry, I am just reading this post, but I have a story that is kind of opposite, just to put things in a different perspective. My husband and I got married in July of 2003. I had one semester of college left, and was about to graduate in December of 2003. We had been together since November of 1997, no breaks - nothing. Neither one of us had ever given the opther one reason for doubt, but thought still cross our minds . . .


I was working on a project in one of my classes with a guy my husband had never met. We had both procrastinated to the last possible minute onthis project and had to get it done. My husband was working on a Saturday, and I called my classmate and we decided to work on the project. We said we would meet at school, but the more we thought about it that was stupid because we lived about 10 minutes from each other but about 20 minutes from the school, so I met him at his apartment.


Absolutely nothing happened, besides the project of course (which we did get an A on) but I had previously told my husband we were meeting at the school (because that was the plan, I wasn't lying to him) but we changed at the last minute. I told him when I got home that I had been at the other guys apartment, and he didn't really say anything. A few days later, after stewing about it, he called me at work and told me he wanted a divorce.


I was shocked - It had been totally innocent, nothing happened, I love my husband and would never cheat on him and I just couldn't see what I did wrong. But the fact was, he is kind of insecure, at it really bothered him. We ended up working it out, thankfully, but I finally had to realize that even though it was totally innocent, he was not comfortable with it. In order to make him comfortable, I made sure I was never in another situation where he would question what happened. There is a thin line of trust there, but I would rather give up this one "freedom" so to speak, then put the stress on our marriage.


So I guess what I am saying is that from my experience it is a two way street. You both need to be comfortable in order for things to work. There is a good chance nothing happened, that they really are just friends and that nothing ever will happen. But if it bothers you, he needs to be aware of that and if he really cares about you, put your comfort above anything else. As long as your requests aren't too unreasonable (which they don't sound like they are) this should not be a problem. It kind of sounds like that is what he is willing to do. I do believe trust is important, but it doesn't hurt to have a little reassurance too.

[SimplyMe]

Thanks, Sillygirl! Your post actually made me feel better. I still wish I had a lie detector machine! lol But really I"m still not totally comfortable w/ everything. I don't know. But your story did remind me of a male friend I used to work w/ and he and I went out one night to a bar and the beach (which could totally be taken wrong). He had a g/f who was pregnant and he asked me when he dropped me off not to mention it if/when I meet her. Nothing at all inappropriate happened but I guess he knew how it looked. So ... I dunno. Thanks for all your help and advice guys. I guess we shall see what happens.

[redapple]

the important thing is that you did what your gut was telling you and
what you wanted to do-- you're not stupid for that! i'm proud of
you for not being too insecure and letting this get in the way of what
you want. i would say since this is his first offense and you
really think he's being sincerely regretful, that you probably made the
right choice. but what's important is that you did what you</span> wanted. good luck! [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]