Hello everyone,
My name's Maeva, I haven't been on this forum for years. I've suffered from emetophobia for as long as I can remember, on and off, with very difficult times and easier one (when the fear is not consistent). I have been struggling for a few months now, because I work with kids and winter never comes without viruses and also because I am taking the teacher examination (not sure what's the equivalent in English) and it's a lot of pressure. I have already taken part of the exam and it was awful, because I was so scared I would feel sick during the exam that I barely ate for 3 days. The last day was terrible, I was weak, my heart was pounding etc and when I got back home, I passed out. I realised how bad it had become and that it needed to stop. I have lost almost 5kg and I have zero energy.
The days that followed the examination, I was determined to get better. I tried to eat better, to rest. And I don't know what happened in my head, but the fear somehow vanished overnight. But if I'm writing this today, it's because it was replaced with something else that is new to me: somehow, one night, I started to panic and to tell myself: "Oh my god, imagine your brain tells you to force yourself to vom because now you're not scared and this way you'll see it's not terrible?". I don't know where it's coming from, but I have been having this thought a lot and it's making me feel so so bad. Because a part of me is like (sorry for the word) "what the heck are you thinking about? It's nonsense." But I can't repress it, it's an intrusive thought that won't go away.
I am still loosing weight because I still struggle with eating even though I seem not to be scared to be sick anymore and it scares me. It's important to precise: I don't suffer from an ED related to my weight or appearance, I really want to gain the weight back, I ate seeing myself loosing that much weight, the more I see myself in the mirror the more I panic and want to eat but can't.
Is there someone out there to whom it has happened before? I feel crazy to be honest, and I can't believe I am going to say this but it's even more hard to manage than my usual emetophobia.
I really hope someone will have the courage to read my very long post ...