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  1. #1
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    UGH!!


    I can't seem to catch a break!! I have more damn problems, I swear!! My life seems to resemble a talk show! Well, if you can stand another gripe and plea for advice from me, please read:


    [b]I'll try to keep it short ~~ My hubby has a 14-yr-old daughter named Jamie. Jamie lived with her mom not far from us. Her mom is kinda awful--stays out at night w/her bf, lets the kids do what they want so they stay out of her way, etc. Well, a few years ago, Jamie came to live w/us. My daughter Brittani is the same age as Jamie. Britt was a popular, honor-roll student in school. Then, Jamie started going to the same school, and I just knew there;d be problems. Jamie would rather not do homework, and slack off. Britt wants to succeed and have a career someday, so she takes school seriously. Well, Jamie started being a real b**ch to Britt in school, so much so that the principal noticed (it was a very small school), and called me into a meeting, and I tore into Jamie because she was messing things up for Britt at school, and literally trying to break up my marriage w/her dad.We gave this girl everything--I was a REAL mother to her, Britt welcomed her as a sister, and we were living comfortable and clean. She didn't go without anything, whereas her mom's house was always filthy, stinky, and never had enough food there. Well, she went back with her mom eventually because she missed her mom. Well, 2 weeks ago, she decided to run away to see her bf. She's 14, and he's 20!!! They have been having sex, and I was lucky enough to get into her MYSPACE page and read her private emails to him. They were completely pornographic!!!!! I mean, stuff that was written has never passed my lips, and I'm 39 yrs-old!!!! Now, I am the one who meeds to take her to the dr. for an internal exam, a rectal exam (yes, exactly what you're thinking, happened), and blood tests for AIDS, STD's and pregnancy. I look at her like she's dirty, and I am repulsed by her, but here's the bad part---neither hubby or his ex (Jamie's mom), bothred to ask ME if I MINDED taking care of her disrespectful ass every day! Hubby works very long days, and I work from home, so I am stuck with her. She was expelled from school and now home schools on the internet. So does Britt (because of missing alot of school due to asthma, to get caught up b/4 high school next year). Well, we have 2 computers, my laptop and Britt's, which was furnished by her school. Well, I can't leave Jamie alone on the computer because she'll sneak and write porn to her bf again, or write other crao to her friends online, so she has to be monitored for 6 hours a day while online. I don't have the time for it, I need my computer for my work, Britt needs hers for school, and I can't expect her to "Babysit" Jamie for hours while she's online. I let Jamie use my computer and monitored her all day for the first week or so, and neglected my own work, which is now piled up!! I can't spend the time needed on this, and my huuby and I are sort of butting heads on this. I can't stop crying, I'm depressed, and hubby is frustrated. I am very upset because this has now become MY responsibility!! The problem started between Jamie and her mom, and now her mom wants us to fix it! Jamie is disrespectful, manipulative, and just a pain to deal with, and I flatly don't want to do this. So, I suggested she have a face-to-face talk w/her mom next weekend, and stay there for a while. Then, if she decides to come back with us permanently, knowing our rules and stuff, then she'll be here voluntarily and not rebel against us. If she doesn't want to live in our "strict" house, then she can stay with her mother.
    ~*~Charlene~*~

  2. #2
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    Sounds like you need Dr. Phil[img]smileys/smilies_02.gif[/img]...it's worth a shot!


    PS-I totally agree with you...you should not feel selfish at all.

  3. #3
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    Wow, stepkid/parent relationships must be so difficult, I can't even imagine. My best friend is kind of going through the same issue, only her stepdaughter is only 4, but she is a spoiled brat who gets no discipline or anything from her deadbeat mom, and her dad, my friend's husband, spoils her to compensate, so my friend is left being the disciplinarian and stay at home caretaker.


    Fortunately it has gotten better over the last year or so, but I imagine it is MUCH harder with a teenager. Is your hubby supportive of doing the tough love thing? It sounds like you are, so if you two are on the same page with that, I think you would be doing the right thing by giving her a choice - either live with your mom or live with us and live by OUR rules - no exceptions. One screw up and she's out.


    And as for the child support - ridiculous if she won't be living there. Can your husband fight that?
    \"Napoleon, you\'re just jealous because I\'ve been talking to babes online all day.\" ~ Kip

  4. #4
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    Charlene,


    I have no idea what to suggest you do, but I wanted to let you know that you shouldn't feel bad for having the thoughts that you do and this is not your obligation. I think you need to get hubby involved and someone needs to lay down some rules for this girl. (i am sure you guys have tried, but somehow she needs to be afraid of her consequences of she doesn't behave appropriately).


    I am really sorry that you are having to deal with this crap. What the hell is wrong with this girls mom anyway?
    \"This too shall pass\"

  5. #5
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    Try to remember this one very important thing; no matter how disguisted
    you may be by this girl, she is only 14- that is barely a teenager. You're
    right, it's completely not fair to you, but the life the girl has led to this
    point is not fair to her, nor her fault. I hope you can reslove the situation,
    and try to put your personal feelings of seeing her as "dirty" on the back
    burner and focus on what is really important. Trying to get some help for
    her and your family life. There is NO TELLING what has happened in her
    past to bring her to what kind of person she is today (as unseemly as that
    may be). If you honestly feel she is repulsive and that you are "stuck with
    her" then that cannot be a good situation in your house for you or for her.
    I think you're feelings are not productive for you or your family (but I
    certainly do understand why you have them). Is there any way you could
    get into some family counseling?Edited by: lgood22573

  6. #6
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    FLOWERALISON~~ Thank you for your support[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]


    MJEWELL~~ Well, her mother says she doesn't want her home at all, so there goes that idea! S**t!!! We may still take her home to confront her mother even though mom isn't cooperating. She seems to think she can impose this on us, not taking into consideration that we have a life here, and now we have been forced to "fix" this problem that she and Jamie have caused!! OMG--I guess dealing w/a 4-yr-old isn't any easier [img]smileys/smilies_06.gif[/img] I feel for your friend!!


    SHIVA~~ Her mom is such a flake, I swear!! She is the one who allowed these kids to get out of control, and now that it's at this point, she wants to dump it on us to fix, and it just isn't fair. I can't handle the thought of my quiet life never being the same again now!!


    LGOOD22573~~ Counseling is a good idea. We may try to get her into a girls group home, I don't know. The only traumatic thing that has happened in Jamie's life is that she's had way too much freedom, and now it's out of control. Not my problem, ya know? I can;t handle this, honestly, and I'm not willing to end my life now and live for Jamie, who has crapped on me sooooo bad in the past when I tried to help her. I feel no emotional attachment to her anymore. Maybe I need the counseling more than anyone else.


    [img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERYONE FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ MY LOOOONG POST, AND CARING ENOUGH TO REPLY[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]
    ~*~Charlene~*~

  7. #7
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    Oh Jeez!!!


    Hubby and I were discussing what to do with this situation, and I guess I was "annoying" him, and he started yelling at me, losing control as usual, and after all I've tried to do, tells me to "leave him the f**k alone". Fine. Now he's convinced he's having a heart attack. Well, he just found another "out" to another conversation he doesn't wanna have, and another situation he doesn't wanna deal with. Whatever! He has his brother, who lives 2600 miles away, on his medical directives policy--not me, after all, I'm only his WIFE! So, I gave him the phone, told him to call an ambulance if he needs a hospital, and to call his brother to make medical decisions for him if he is incompacitated. This may sound cold-blooded, but I'm tired of not being appreciated and taken for granted. He told me before that I'd be the cause of his death someday. I shouldn't be here anymore. I am crying hysterically, want Jamie to go home, and just want me damn life back!! I can't do this anymore. I can'tEdited by: californiagirl
    ~*~Charlene~*~

  8. #8
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    I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I bet this final problemwith your step-daughter feels like the straw that broke the camel's back. It seems to me through what you've said in this and other posts about your home life that your marriage has been doing nothing but make you miserable and anxious for a long while now. You've also said before that your hubby won't consider therapy or counselling. Well I really think it's ultimatum time. You cannot go on leading this sort of existence, being upset and sad all the time. I know it may be tough but I think you ought to consider leaving your husband if he won't agree with marriage/family counselling or therapy. I think I remember you saying you had somewhere to go if you did decide to leave - is that right? If you leave it doesn't have to be final - maybe your husband will come to his senses without you there for a while and see he needs to try a little harder at marriage and not be so dismissive of your feelings and the problems there.


    My thoughts are with you, it must be so difficult right now. Please let us know how things go, and take care.


    Tracey x
    .•:*¨¨*:•.Tracey.•:*¨¨*:•.

    Fall seven times, stand up eight.
    - Japanese proverb


  9. #9
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    Is there any way you can get out of this situation?

  10. #10
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    Californiagirl -


    It sounds like your situation has gone from bad to worse. It's hard enough to work on a marriage when it's in trouble without the added stresses of handling a blended family - and working on a blended family requires just as much effort without the added stresses of having problems in the marriage. It's just all too much right now. Maybe a break will allow each of you some down time to think about everything without the tension and emotions of being in the house together. It doesn't sound like he is going to take any action - you will have to be the one who does. You need some peace of mind and calm so you can sort through all of your feeling.


    Take care of yourself - we women tend not to do that sometimes.

  11. #11
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    I think that you need to demand that he and Jamie's mom need to sit down and figure something out. You have made it quite clear that you were attached at one time to this girl and you gave your all with her. Kids this age are pretty stubborn, sounds like everyone has been patient and it might be time for tough love. It is unfortunate that you feel this is affecting your relationship with your daughter. And I am sorry that your hubby is such a drama queen! : ) Honestly though. There is too much being thrown at you from too many directions. Is there somewhere that your daughter and you can go to get some time off. Maybe once he realizes how much you actually do he will come around and not be such a doofus? Or, maybe you will then realize how much better you are on your own. I do agree though. You have done all you can do at this point. I suppose family therapy would be a great start. However, it has to be everyone pitching in and going to therapy. You cannot fix this one on your own and no one should expect you to.
    \"This too shall pass\"

  12. #12
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    TRACEY~~ Thank you so much!! Yeh, I have somewhere to go if things get real icky. Counselling is a great idea, and I am tired of hearing him say he isn't going, so I am going to get help for myself. I can't do this anymore.


    LGOOD22573~~ Yeh, I can leave for a few days, which is very tempting!! The only place I can go is about 4 hours away in CA.


    MARBY~~ I know what you mean--us women seem to spread ourselves very thin, because everyone needs us, ya know? Hubby's friend, (who is 52 and never been married, never had kids)said pretty much that I need to think of the best needs for Jamie. Well, I plainly don't want to, because she brought this on herself, and it's an issue between her and her mom, and I don't think I should be pout in the position to fix their problem. I have my own daughter to take care of, who respects our household and doesn't cause any problems. When I think of myself, then I'm labeled "selfish", which I am totally not. Remember, this girl took advantage of my kindness years ago. I shouldn't have to sacrificemy happiness for her dysfunction.


    SHIVA~~ You are exactly right. Either he talks to the ex and works something out, or it will be ultimatum time. I can't and won't live with this kid. Not like I haven't tried to before, ya know? Oh, and hubby didn't have a heart attack after all. Gee, what a surprise! Well, we're gonna talk today about this. I think what I'm gonna do is, take her to the dr. on Thurs., then drop her off at her mom's, and they'll be forced to face each other and talk. Jamie doesn't wanna live here, and she'll make everyone miserable if she has to against her will. I'm not willing to put up with her s**t. Now, I got a call today from CA--my ex is in the hospital with congestive heart failure. Brittani is going to CA today to see him, and instead of me having much needed "alone" time for a few days, I have to be here alone w/Jamie while hubby's at work!!!!!!! I can't catch a damn break. I just want her to leave and for me to be alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is that really too much to ask?
    ~*~Charlene~*~

  13. #13
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    Maybe you should go to CA with your daughter, stay with your friends or family and be there for her incase she needs you. This has you there for your daughter and it's a completely valid reason to have to leave for a bit. That will force them to work through their problem.. You will not be there to pick up the peieces.


    Either way. Good luck. I hope things work out.
    \"This too shall pass\"

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by shiva


    Maybe you should go to CA with your daughter, stay with your friends or family and be there for her incase she needs you. This has you there for your daughter and it's a completely valid reason to have to leave for a bit. That will force them to work through their problem.. You will not be there to pick up the peieces.


    Either way. Good luck. I hope things work out.


    I would love to go to CA, but I have a ton of work to do for an attorney from my home office, and I've put it off for the last week and a half that Jamie's been here, so my work and career have suffered as well. I just decided that I am taking Jamie home on Thurs. right after her appt. Her mom will be at work and will be forced to face her when she gets home. I am taking this time to be alone and think and get caught up on my work. So this way, I will only have one whole day that I'll have to be here alone with Jamie. I'm crying again, I am fed up.
    ~*~Charlene~*~

  15. #15
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    Well, for all of you dear people who are familiar w/my crazy life, the update is that I took Jamie home to her moms. Well, now her mom has a bf moving in, and he has laid down some rules for Jamie and her brother to follow. Now, because of her new rules, she wants to come back here to live!!!!!!! She's playing a f'ing game, and I am washing my hands of the whole thing. I can't be her mom, don't WANNA be her mom, and will not raise her. I sound cold-blooded, but I'm dealing with a very troubled kid here, and just cant do it.
    ~*~Charlene~*~

  16. #16
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    Ok I don't really have any advise for you but can SYMPATHIZE completely. I met my husband in 2000 when his son was eight years old. All I every wanted for us was to be one big happy family (on our visitation days of course which were SUPPOSED to be Monday, Wednedsay, Friday and every other Sunday) well the boys mother decided that she didn't want me to "mother" him so she poisoned his mind. She kept him on our days when we had plans, she dropped him off for days at a time with no explaination. She actually went on vacation and was supposed to have been gone for 7 days and didn't come home or call for over two weeks. I'm 95% sure that she and her NEW husband (who did 2 years in prison for possession of cocaine) sell and use drugs.


    The courts (guardian ad litem) determined that they boy should live with his mother (who has no rules and buys him EVERYTHING he wants -- but has NO JOB) which was fine with me because by this time he was treating me like crap. He was MEAN, DISRESPECTFUL, BROKE ALL OUR RULES, DIDN'T DO HIS HOMEWORK and decided on his own (against our rule) that he should set up an IM with the nickname "little thug" -- his contact list included people like "coke girl". He frequently called his mom and told her that we ABUSED him (which we did not) when he was punished. She then would get GOOD AND DRUNK and prank our house for hours on end -- calling me EVERY NAME IN THE BOOK.


    Subsequently she moved him OUT OF STATE without his father's knowledge or permission so my husband let him go (we called an attorney who wanted over $5000 to fight an out-of-state custody battle). Moral of the story is that we have had no contact with the child for almost three years now and I've NEVER BEEN HAPPIER (I say that because it's true -- not because I don't care about the child). He doesn't/didn't want to live with us (my husband, myself and our adopted daughter) so we didn't see the point in FORCING him to live with us (even though we both feel we have the abilty to raise him in a healthier environment than the one he is currently in). After all his mother bought him a dirt bike, an electric scooter, an I-pod, Girls Gone Wild Videos and took him to see Emenem not to mention the new house has a built in pool -- DID I MENTION THAT HE WAS ONLY 11 AT THE TIME!!!).


    Anyway, don't beat yourself up. You tried to do the right thing by this girl and one day when she's about 30 years old she will respect you and know that you were the one who really cared about her all those years ago (maybe that's just wishful thinking because that's what I want my stepson to think after his mom lets him drop out of school when he turns 16!)


    I hope that things work out for you but don't beat yourself up. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON WITH GOOD INTENTIONS -- even if no one else believes it AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME!!!

  17. #17
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    JOEYLYNN~~~~~


    Wow, sounds like you went through a very similar situation. It is sooooo nice to get support--thank you!!!!! I feel guilty for not wanting this anymore, but now my own daughter is feeling the impact of this, and she has enough to deal with right now (her real dad is dying of congestive heart failure (another post)), and she needs me. EVERYTHING in my home has been neglected and affected the whole 2 weeks Jamie was here, and I am not ready to make it a permanent situation. I just dropped her off at home yesterday, and she's already writing to famous people like ganster rappers and stuff on her MYSPACE!!!!!!! She won't change, and I think she's waaayyyy too far-gone for me to wanna handle. Besides, this whole mess is her and her mother's deal, and THEY need to deal with it, instead of disrupting a whole family's peaceful life because of it. Thank you for your understanding, and I am happy fpr you that you don't have to deal with that mess anymore[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]
    ~*~Charlene~*~

  18. #18
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    All I can say is that when I was a kid and my parents divorced RULE #1 was no moving back and forth. You make a decision, and it's yours to live with regardless.Hopefully she will stay with her mom and learn a little about following rules.
    \"This too shall pass\"

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by shiva


    All I can say is that when I was a kid and my parents divorced RULE #1 was no moving back and forth. You make a decision, and it's yours to live with regardless.Hopefully she will stay with her mom and learn a little about following rules.


    Exactly right. I really want her to be with her mom. They are the ones with the "issues", and they need to work it out and leave me out of it, ya know? I'm beginning to feel less guilty. I raised my kids, have a great daughter who does follow rules and is courteous, and want my life to continue as such. I need to feel good about my decision. Thanks so much for your understanding. I really appreciate you Shiva, we have "talked" alot on PM and stuff, and you are really nice[img]smileys/smilies_01.gif[/img]
    ~*~Charlene~*~

 

 

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