OT: Feeling Really Sad - need urgent help

[clairethebear]

Hi Everyone


I just wanted to post right now cause I am feeling pretty bad emotionally.This is totally off topic and has nowt to do with emet. Basically someone I care about and work for has told me that she has to have surgery at the weekend cause it ishighly likely she has breast cancer. I have not seen her for a while cause she had other surgery 6 weeks ago totally unrelated to this new scare and has been recovering at home. I have just found it too much to handle and feel really guilty feeling this way cause she is the one suffering not me. I feel really sad inside and I am trying my hardest to hold back the tears but I don't know how long I can do that for anymore. I feel really bad and deeply sad inside. I feel like the news is sending me into a very deep depression and it is too much to handle. My partner does not understand and doesn't want to know and right now I hate him for that. He cannot understand why I am so upset. I cannot help the way I am and sometimes I just hate myself for being so over-sensitive and maybe just too caring and compassionate for my own good. I find it hard to comprehend how your emotions can change in the space of an hour or two. I was fine at work and having a good time with the girls and then I got the call totally out of the blue and my mood just went downhill and now I just feel so damn bad. I hope Sage is reading this cause I think I need some serious advice here. I need to find a way of coping with this tragic news before I completely crack. Please help. What is wrong with me. Why am I having this bad reaction.

[Jenneh]

thers nothing wrong with you... you've heard some bad news... ur bound to react lke that.. how else do u expect urself to react?


i konw shes the one with the bad news, but your a very caring person, obviously, and so u shud allow urself to cry.. it shud really help u get thru this hard time... especailly so u can be strong for her too....


the main thing is, if shes having treatment hopefully she will be fine, cause shes in the best hands possible...


im sorry to hear that ur partner is not being supportive of you.. im sure if it was one of his mates, maybe he would understand.. thers not much u can do about tht though, sadly...


i really hope evrything is ok.. and remember, u are ALLOWED to feel emotional as well...


Jen xxxxxx

[clairethebear]

Thanks Jenneh. That brought tears to my eyes and I am now starting to cry but it is difficult cause my partner is in the next room. I am planning on going upstairs in a minute and might call my mum although I am not sure what she will say either. Thanks for your support and I will try not to feel guilty. It is just sometimes my partner seems to make me feel guilty about having emotions - I guess he is a man after all so I cannot really expect much more.

[Jenneh]

thats a good idea call your mum, u dont need to plan what ur gnna say, or what shes going to say.... just let ur emotions ride for a little while...


we're all here for you ( + ur friend in my thoughts)


Jen xxxx

[clairethebear]

Jenneh. I feel like I just need to let it all but there is no where to be alone. I don't want my partner to find out that I have been crying. I really hate this. I wish he would just hold me and make me feel better. Right now I hate him for this and wish he would just leave the house.

[Jenneh]

i know... and i wish i cud take u away somewhere to be alone, but where i cud hug you too (((((((hugs))))))))


can u not go for a walk outside? for me, theres like a woods down my road.. i go down there wen i want to cry and be alone.. or even if u say ur gnna go have a bath.. and lock urself in the bathroom and have a good old cry there.. (infact a bath wud be good anyway!!)


maybe ur partner wil soon understand and feel guilty.. i dont know, but i hope he does..


Jen xxxx

[clairethebear]

Jenneh. I just spoke to my mum and she was great as always. She helped me to see that it isn't wrong to feel sad about someone else's sorrow. I still feel totally crap but I think you always do when you have cried and cried. I sobbed my heart out to her on the phone. My partner had left the house by this time for work so he had no idea that I was upset. My mum said that I should not be too hard on him cause blokes don't understand and all that. Thanks for your support Jenneh. You were there when I really needed someone and all I can do now is hope my colleague will be okay cause apart from that there is not a damn thing I can do to change what she is going through. Thanks again. Claire xxxxxx

[Jenneh]

ur very strong. im sure she will be ok, ur right, thers nothing u can do. but hope and pray. and i know u have the heart to naturally do that anyway.


im glad ur mum cud help you. tke care


Jen xxxxx

[sage]

Hi Clare,


Glad Jen and your mom helped. I always suggest entering into the sadness, rather than resisting it. As for your partner - never mind him not understanding. You're you and you have a right to your own emotions and feelings. I'd just plain tell him you're going to your room alone for a few hours to cry your heart out and then you'll probably feel better so he'd be best to amuse himself somehow.


Probably intense sadness like this is being triggered from old feelings of your own. Think of every sad thing in your whole life and keep crying over it until you feel better - no matter how long it takes! Grief is the healing feeling!

[clairethebear]

Thanks Sage


I spent the entire evening yesterday sobbing my heart out after my partner had left the house. I always feel like this when bad stuff happens and it never comes on gradually. It always just hits me like a ton of bricks within a very short space of time. I have woken up this morning still feeling awful and really tearful and I have to go to work now. I may even see the colleague today who announced the news cause she might be coming in to collect some work. She is a Gynaecologist and I have been working for her as her Medical Secretary for 3 years so it is kind of hard to deal with this stuff happening to someone you care about and have worked for closely for some time now. She may not be coming back after this and I will really really miss her.

[Jenneh]

((((((claire)))))))


i dont really know what to say; other than im sure ur not the only one dealing with these harsh emotions right now.. im sure others are feeling just lke you.. so mayb it wud help you to talk with someone about it... maybe even the individual herself...


im sure she wud appreciate ur support and care right now more than nething.... hope ur feeling ok being at work.


Jen xxxxxx

[Scampi]

Claire- I know exactly how you feel, and I also know from a personal experience that having a really good cry is the very best thing to do in this situation.


It was announced at a staff meeting at a school I used to work at that one of the most popular teachers had terminal cancer. Sort of in shock, I went to tell our libriarian (who wasn't at the meeting), but when I tried to tell her, I broke down completely. It was about 20 minutes before I could actually tell her what was the matter, then we both had a good cry. I think we coped with the situation after that better than those with the 'stiff upper lip' attitude, who fought their emotions.


I think it's just the way our brains deal with such shocking news - we cannot do anything about it and to fight it is unhealthy. It is a shame that your partner was not sympathetic - he is obviously 'wired' differently. There's also the possibility that hearing such news from someone so close taps straight into our own natural (usually subconscious) fear of if happening to us. Although breast cancer is possible in men, your partner won't be being told he has to examine HIS breasts every month to make sure there's nothing there. Hearing that anybody you know has a cancer scare is upsetting. Personally, I think that hearing that someone you are close to has a breast cancer scare is a double whammy - you have the upset and worry about your friend, and an unwanted 'prod' of a reminder about what, for many women, is one of their biggest worries.


Sorry to waffle on - the upshot of all this c**p is, if you feel like a good cry, go ahead and cry. You will feel better for it in the long run, and be better able to be strong for your friend.


Best wishes, Jill xx

[Galadriel]

Hey there,


Im sorry your partner is so uncaring like that. You have every right to be upset about this, and if he can't deal with you wanting to have a cry over some bad news, then I wonder what his problem is. You are having a totally normal reaction to this upsetting news, so you have every right to cry about it like that.

[clairethebear]

Thanks so much guys for all your support. I just can't get this stuff out of my head. I feel so low and depressed about it and yet I am NOT the one suffering. I can't understand what is going on really. She is someone that I work for and is old enough to be my mum! We are not friends as such in that we don't go out together but of course there is a huge age gap but over time we have begun to get on very very well and we have a good laugh when she comes into the office. I am therefore not a relative or anyone of any importance to her so I can't really understand why this is screwing me up so bad. I am a very caring and compassionate person and always feel like this about people I care about but this just feels too much to handle. Anyone think I am wierd? Need reassurance that this awful feeling will pass. She goes for her surgery tomorrow and I know that I am going to feel even worse cause I just can't get her sorrow out of my head. Please help.

[Scampi]

You are not weird. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Like I said before, I think scares like this tap into some primal fear in all of us and that makes our emotions stronger. You said you are a compassionate and caring person - that's a good thing to be, but it does mean that you feel other people's pain very strongly. Allow yourself to feel sad - it's not weird or wrong, and it WILL go away. Whatever othe outcome of your collegue's surgery, you know that the chances of surviving breast cancer are good these days, so just hang on to that thought.





Thinking of you, Jill xxx

[clairethebear]

Hi Jill


Thanks so much. You have been great. You were also great when we talked about difficulties doing things alone. I thought you might like to know that I have made a few little steps to help myself. If I can do it girl so can you!! Perhaps we could work on this together?! Thanks, Claire xxx. By the way your avator is absolutely gorgeous.

[Scampi]

Claire - thankyou -I'm blushing now! I've sent you a PM.


Jill xxx

[clairethebear]

Hi Jill


Can't find it! I am probably doing something wrong.


Claire

[Scampi]

Try again now Claire - I had trouble posting it (internet at work is via a Gatekeeper program and it went down just as I was about to post the messge - had to do it all again, but it's sent now!!)

[clairethebear]

Got it Jill. Have sent a reply. xx.

[izzybee]

I hope you are feeling better now!!


Are you?

[Jenneh]

i agree with Izzy.... how are u feeling?


Jen xxx